Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Answers to some burning questions

Q. What is CCSL?
A. CCSL = Contextual Contemporarization of Sacred Lore.
As a devout Hindu I felt it was my moral duty to popularize my rich culture and tradition. When I read the Mahabharata I quickly realised that Vyasa had much more to offer than the drab G-rated story offered on tele-series. I therefore took it upon myself to rekindle the rich traditions and morals expounded in such a well crafted and tantalizing way. Ladies and gentlemen I present "CCSL". I should admit that I have toned down the sexual explicitness here, but the original is always available. This is an effort to bring the original Mahabharata back to the bookshelves. Jai Hind. Jai Maharashtra.

Q. What is your resource for this series?
A. I refer to Mahabharata by C. Rajagopalachari as one of the main references. I brought this book back with me from my recent trip to India and as I read it I realised that this was a great spoof opportunity so I grabbed it. You can read this book in its entirety at Mahabharata . Other references come from online resources.

Q. Is the plot for your series identical to the original?
I use the original plot extensively but sometimes I make changes for the sake of humor or just creative liberties. For example, in this series Chitrangada is the younger brother while in the original he is the older brother. Another example is Amba gets a business card instead of a garland.

Q. Are there any other mythology series that you have written?
Yes. The Rishyasringa series which is also part of the Mahabharata in the book. This was my first jab at spoofing. Please refer to the sidebar for links.

Q. Can I link your post on my website?
Sure. Blogroll me, link me…all that jazz. The more the merrier. Please don't copy the entire blog and repost it elsewhere. Thanks.

Q. Have you read the Great Indian Novel by Shashi Tharoor?
No, I haven’t had the chance yet. I intend to read it as soon as I am done with this series because it has been highly recommended by readers and friends.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Chapter 5: The very secret diary of Amba

Princess Amba's diary

Day 1: I can’t believe Ambika and Ambalika are not getting cold feet for the swayamvara. How can they not worry about getting hitched to the blind date that wins at some stupid skill game that your father comes up with?
Day 2: Thinking of breaking up with Salva. I am tired of his commitment phobia.
Day 4: The palace is packed with stud muffins. I am having increasing second thoughts about Salva.
Day 5: I can’t believe that the 60-year-old virgin has decided to show up. He probably realized its better to be laid than never.
Day 6: My sisters and I have been kidnapped by the pervy virgin. Virgin….ha! He is always staring at Ambalika’s boobs.
Day 7: I cannot believe that Salva got his ass kicked by this old man. I don’t know which is better…an old fart or a young coward.
Day 8: Ambika has been motion sick. Friggin chariot ride is getting to me too.
Day 9: Reached pervy’s hometown…stupid Hastinapur. I thought being kidnapped was going to be the worst part of the ordeal. Turns out I will be Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day 10: I can’t take this anymore. All my sisters care about are the wedding plans. I am missing Salva’s hot bod. So what if he got his ass kicked? Atleast he tried to rescue me. I am going to take it up with the virgin and go back to Salva.
Day 11: I can’t believe Vichitra agreed to let me go that quickly. Am I not good enough for him? Maybe Ambalika was right about the boob job.
Day 12: On my way to Salva’s kingdom. At last I will be united with my hunkadelic heartthrob.
Day 13: Salva downright rejected me. That punk! I am going to interview with the Hastinapur times and tell them he is lame in the sack. How dare he?
Day 14: Going back to stupid Hastinapur. I hate the goddamn chariot ride.
Day 15: Can’t believe I am actually going to become Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day16: What is going on? Vichitra had the nerve to reject my proposal? When was the last time he was proposed to by a woman? I mean really…are big boobs that important?
Day 17: Lo and behold the masterplan. It’s the most logical thing to do. I can dethrone Salva and Vichitra in one move. I am going to marry the virgin. I will then convince him to defeat Salva and take his kingdom and then our kids can be the rightful heirs of Hastinapur. Cheque and mate baby.
Day 18: Un-fucking-believable! I have officially reached the lowest low. The virgin has rejected me. My master plan fell flat on its face. Three rejections in a row…I am going to need some serious therapy.
Day 19: I am wandering around in the jungle aimlessly. Have discovered some interesting mushrooms.
Day 384: Got a pigeon declaring that both my sisters are knocked up. Great!
Day 386: Met a defense attorney…Mr. Parsuram. He thought I have a great shot at a lawsuit. I have decided to sue the virgin’s ass. Hired Parsuram as my defense lawyer.
Day 387: The court trial begins.
Day 624: Got a pigeon declaring my sisters delivered. Still waiting for the goddamn jury selection to begin.
Day 728: Jury selection begins.
Day 740: We have charged the virgin with one count of kidnapping and 3 counts of mental torture. Parsuram kicked some serious ass in the court today.
Day 743: Virgin and his lawyer were such cocky bastards. His lawyer did not give a defense argument. His only words were, “Bhishma is not guilty.” I can’t wait to take my victory lap.
Day 744: My heart skipped a beat when the jury gave its verdict. They thought it was an open and shut case. On account of being a man, Bhishma was found not guilty on all charges. What’s more….they asked me to stop my belligerent behavior and fined me 100 gold bricks to compensate Bhishma for the legal fees.” Stupid Parsuram. Now I am bankrupt.
Day 750: I am hungry, horny and broke. Screw the legal bureaucracy. I am hiring an assassin for a Bhishma free world.
Day 780: They say the 6-faced Subrahmanya is the man to meet. From the name I am guessing he is a master of disguise.
Day 785: Turns out 6-faced is not a master of disguise after all. He just had 6 plastic surgeries. Could not afford him. He took pity on me and gave me his business card. He said if I recruit someone to his company he would seal the deal with me.
Day 820: It turns out I am no good at getting men to do anything for me. Ambalika was right about the boob job. I am going to plea King Drupada as a last resort. If this doesn’t work I am officially giving up.
Day 840: Where have all the real men gone? I stuck 6-faced’s business card on Drupada’s door to remind him what a coward he is. I changed the address on the card to a location where I will bury this diary. If you are reading this diary I hope you are the champion that I spend my life looking for. I have failed to take my revenge and have become a mushroom addict.
Day 842: Blue yellow red bubbles floating everywhere. Adjfnioa. Adnfdhfi.
Day 890: Mushrooms…adfnasdoif…..
Day 913: Got arrested trying to sell mushrooms.
Day 920: Can’t take this anymore. I have decided to end my miserable life. Good-bye cruel world.

(This chapter was tailored to the writing style of the hilarious VSD series authored by Cassandra Claire. To read the VSD series go here )

(To be continued...)


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Chapter 4: Meet the Focker

Vichitravirya’s honeymoon did not go very smoothly. It felt like a horrible day of playing golf. There were one too many holes to go and the equipment was malfunctioning. Ambika consoled him, “Just look at it this way honey. It can only get better.” To their dismay, it got worse. It turned out that Vichitravirya was firing blanks. Some say he died of performance anxiety. Others say, “Who cares?”
Satyavati was now in a fix. With the tragic events in the family Bhishma was the King again. Satyavati was concerned about the inheritance of the throne. She approached Bhishma about the matter.
Satyavati: “I am not happy with the way things are shaping out. I want my grandson to be the rightful owner of the throne.”
Bhishma: “Er…there is just one problem with that. You don’t have a grandson.”
Satyavati: “Stop being a smartass. I am aware of that and I have a fix. I am expecting a visitor.”
Bhishma: “What the…oh my… are you pregnant? Who is he? I am going to kick his ass.”
Satyavati: “Calm down. I am not pregnant. But there is something you need to know. Why don’t you sit down and have a glass of water first?”
Bhishma: “Oh come on. I think I can handle it.”
Satyavati: “Alright. This happened before I met your father. I was by the riverside, you know doing my own thing and out of nowhere I met this hot young man.”
(Ganapati: “What’s up with all these hook ups by the riverside?”
Vyasa: “There weren’t any clubs yet.”)
Satyavati: “He was the most kind and generous man I ever met. Did I mention he looked hot? (Sigh!) Anyway, he was always buying me stuff from Chandramukhi’s secret like perfumes and red lacy…”
Bhishma: “Good God woman! Please spare me the details. Just stick to the highlights.”
Satyavati: “Oh alright. Long story short we made out and I had a son.”
Bhishma: “What? I mean WHAT?”
Satyavati: “Here we go…take long deep breaths….”
Bhishma (sitting down): “Woah woah woah. You weren’t a virgin when you married my father? Dad was fine with that?”
Satyavati: “Don’t be silly. Your Dad didn’t know.”
Bhishma: “But that’s impossible. I know my Dad was not the smartest cookie. But even I would’ve caught that you weren’t a virgin and I have never even done it.”
Satyavati: “Obviously you haven’t heard about reconstructive surgery. I had one.”
Bhishma: “Good lord! I think I’ll have the water now.”
Satyavati: “Do you want me to continue or do you need some recovery time?”
Bhishma: “I may regret this but carry on. Where is this son?”
Satyavati: “His name is Veda Vyasa. He is a brilliant man and would be happy to offer his services if needed. Frankly I don’t see any other alternative.”
(Ganapati: Ahem!
Vyasa: What?
Ganapati: You are telling me that this part of the story has nothing to do with the conversation we had yesterday about your virginity?
Vyasa: Ofcourse not! And for the last time I am NOT a virgin.
Ganapati: Okaaaay. Then tell me about this Vyasa character, does he get to sleep around?
Vyasa: This is my book and my story!
Ganapati grins widely.)
Bhishma: “Alright I guess. It’s worth a shot.”
Satyavati: “If he is anything like his father, trust me this will work.”
Bhishma: “Will you stop with the unnecessary details already?”
Vyasa rushes to Hastinapur as soon as he receives Satyavati’s pigeon mail. As the first order of things to do, Satyavati introduces her son to her daughters-in-law.
Satyavati: “Girls this is my son Vyasa. You can thank me later.”
Vyasa: “Hello ladies. I have a big package for you. (Wink wink).”
Sisters: Groan.
That night Vyasa shows up in the sisters’ room wearing a robe that says, ‘the man (up arrow) the legend (down arrow)’. Vyasa made the best of the opportunity he had in Hastinapur before heading back to the forest. In his stay, he had threesomes with the sisters and also got jiggy with a maid on the side. And just like that Ambika, Ambalika and the maid became pregnant.
Vyasa: Go me!
After two months of morning sickness, 20 pounds in weight gain, nine months of extreme uncomfort and 12 hours of excruciating pain, Ambalika and Ambika eagerly wait in the delivery room to hold their babies for the first time.
Satyavati: “Girls, I have some good news for you and some bad news for you.”
Ambika: “Let’s get over with the bad news.”
Satyavati: “Ambika your son is blind. The only reasonable explanation for this is that you closed your eyes when you conceived him. Ambalika, your son is an albino. Let me guess, you turned pale with fear when you conceived him?”
Sisters grin sheepishly.
Ambalika: “Well… so what’s the good news?”
Satyavati: “I saved a bunch of money on my chariot insurance by switching to Kaayko.”
Sisters: Groan.
No points for guessing which kid was named Pandu (whitey). The blind baby was named Dhritarashtra. The maid gave birth to a healthy baby boy as a result of not contorting her face in any manner and named him Vidura.
(Ganapati: May I say that your knowledge of biology is pretty screwed up.
Vyasa: I have a feeling that this is going to be a painfully long ordeal.)

(To be continued...)

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Chapter 3: Bride and prejudice

Satyavati had put a ban on Santanu’s walks by the riverside. Some say he died of frustration, others say he died of old age. Chitrangada and Vichitravirya…

(Ganapati: Here on known as Ranga and Vichu.
Vyasa: Can’t you do a find and replace?
Ganapati: Can’t you choose smaller names?
Vyasa: Please write the name in its entirety. It’s really important for the storyline.
Ganapati raising his trunk: Fine!
Vyasa: I saw that. Don’t you give me the trunk!)

Vichitravirya and Chitrangada were too young to inherit the throne, so Bhishma took up the responsibility and became the interim King. Soon the two boys grew into testosterone driven horny young men. Chitrangada’s life took an unexpected turn when a Gandharva, who coincidentally was also named Chitrangada, challenged him to a battle. The Gandharva despised the fact that a mere mortal was also called Chitrangada. He decided the only way to settle this was with a battle. The winner gets to keep the name.

The battle lasted three years and ended in Satyavati’s son’s death.
Bhishma disclosed the sad news to Satyavati, “Your son is dead and you are to be blamed.”
Satyavati, “How could you say that?”
Bhishma, “Let me just put it this way, the boy I named is not dead.”

And just like that Vichitravirya became the King of Hastinapur. Vichitravirya seemed very disinterested in the Hastinapur politics and had started going for walks by the riverside to clear his mind. Bhishma realized that if he didn’t act soon, Vichitravirya was going to start using his cheesy pick up lines. Bhishma asked Satyavati to keep a close eye on Vichitrvirya while he would go check out the three sisters in Kasi who were of marriageable age.

Bhishma traveled to Kasi and found himself amongst many young suitors who had traveled great distances to meet the three sisters. Apparently the three sisters (Amba, Ambika and Ambalika) were pretty hot. Bhishma’s excitement soon turned into rage when he heard nasty remarks about his presence.
Man 1: “Who is that old man?”
Man 2: “That’s Bhishma. He claims to be a virgin.”
Man 1: “Virgin? Bah! Its all a publicity stunt.”
Man 3: “I’ve heard he is gay.”
Bhishma was enraged: “Listen you no good gossipmongers. There is no shame in being a virgin and I am not gay!”

(Ganapati: Do I sense some personal anguish here?
Vyasa: That’s ridiculous! I am very popular. Girls love my six-pack. May I add that it wouldn’t hurt you to go to the gym? Look at that tummy.
Ganapati: So a virgin huh?)

Bhishma announced: “I challenge everybody here. If you are man enough, stop me from taking these three sisters to Hastinapur”.
Most people were too stunned to react to this daylight abduction or they were just plain chicken. There was only one man who accepted the challenge. His name was King Salva and he was the secret lover of Amba. Unfortunately for Amba, her knight in shining armor did not pull through and was defeated by Bhishma. Amba was taken to Hastinapur along with her sisters.

Vichitravirya’s joy knew no bounds. He was drowned in visions of foursomes. This was the first royal wedding that was about to take place in a palace instead of some riverbank. Hastinapur went all out in preparing for the royal wedding. On the day of the wedding Amba decided to speak her mind to Bhishma.
Amba: “I know you are super excited about the wedding and all but I need to say this. I love somebody else. I love Salva.”
Bhishma: “That loser?”
Amba: “Atleast he came there in person to win me over.”
Bhishma: “I will talk this over with Vichitravirya.”

Amba waits for the verdict as Bhishma goes into Vichitravirya’s room. After a momentary silence Vichitravirya says, “I can deal with that. I am okay with threesomes. Amba can go marry Salva.”
And just like that Vichitravirya married Ambika and Ambalika. Meanwhile Amba set out on a journey to meet King Salva. After a long hard journey she finally arrived at the palace of King Salva.
Amba: “Honey I am home.”
Salva: “What are you doing here?”
Amba: “I convinced Bhishma to let me marry you. So here I am.”
Salva: “I can’t marry you. I am already known as the loser who got his ass kicked by a 60-year-old virgin. Please don’t make it worse. Go back to Hastinapur.”
Amba furiously: “Well I hope you can live with the ‘lame in the sack’ title, cause I will be interviewing with Hastinapur Times as soon as I get there.”

Amba went back to Hastinapur.
Amba: “Viru darling, I am back.”
Vichitravirya: “I am sorry dear, besides three is mind-blowing and four would probably kill me.”
Amba curses: “Bleeeeeep.” Walks over to Bhishma’s room.
Amba: “Bhishma baby, come on, we all know about the cold showers you take. How about we get married? You go kick Salva’s ass once more and take over his kingdom. We can live happily ever after.”
Bhishma: “I am sorry but you are not my type.”

Amba could not bear the triple rejection. Overcome by fury she cursed: “Bhishma you call yourself a virgin when you just screwed me over? I vow to return the favor by screwing your happiness too.”
And just like that Amba enrolled for weapons training in a military camp.

(To be continued...)