Saturday, July 08, 2006

A close encounter of the lizard kind

Day: Thursday night
Time: 10:30pm
Mood: Tired and urge to pee.

I make my way to the toilet and switch on the light in the bathroom to give myself a heart attack. There is a f*ing lizard in the f*ing toilet bowl. Yes IN the toilet bowl! I panic and my urge to pee doubles. I consider calling the landlord or friends for help but immediately feel like a total nitwit, as I know how late in the night it is (especially because tomorrow is a work day). I decide to take charge of the situation and shudder with disgust. Visions of the lizard crawling all over house after it jumps out of toilet bowl begin to take shape. After 5 minutes of shuddering and wincing I realize that I could simply flush the toilet. But then again there is a strong possibility (in my twisted imagination) of the lizard jumping out on me. I shudder some more as I speculate whether this lizard has special powers like flying. Finally I realize that I have no choice but to face my nemesis. Without damage control the enemy would run amuck in the house leaving me sleepless…or worse leave me no place to release the building pressure in my abdomen if it camps out in the toilet bowl. Stoopid lizard!
With cold sweaty hands somehow I flush the toilet. Triumph quickly turns into dismay as the damn lizard positions itself between water jets and suctions itself to toilet bowl. Score: Lizard 1, me white as a ghost. My heart beats louder with the first blow of defeat. I look for bleach in the closet and cannot find it. God damnit! I resort to my weapon of mass fumigation … RAID! In a previous encounter with a lizard I had discovered that Raid is not lethal to lizards. All I hoped for was that the smell suffocates the lizard and it passes out.
Armed with Raid, I position the spray as best as I could, keeping my body as further away from the bowl as possible. I did not want to be a landing strip for the lizard in the event it attempted an escape. Lizards are notorious for that. They always plan their escape route on the attacker. Shudder. 3-2-1…attack…I spray enough to kill an army of roaches and then some more and then run like hell out of the bathroom in fear of lizard jumping on me. I tip toe back into bathroom to find the lizard’s tail severed from its body and flailing in toilet bowl water. Peeking a little further I see the lizard trying to swim in the water. I quickly hit the flush and down it goes. I flush the toilet 3 times just in case it uses its suction strategy to hang on in my toilet and come out again. I can’t use toilet for the next 2 hours even with a strong urge to pee as the visions of lizard crawling up my butt dissuade me.
I go online to read about pest control and am willing to burn a hole in my pocket to get all the cracks and holes in house sealed and fumigated. To my dismay I discover lizards are not classified as pests. What kind of a sick world do we live in where creepy crawling lizards invade a person’s house and there is nothing that can be done? 2 hours later I finally reach a point where the urge to pee takes over psychoneurosis and I pee in record time with butt hanging in mid-air. Relieved I decide to call it a night. I inspect bedding for lizards. Lie awake in bed. Envision conversation with landlord.
Me: “Lizards bad. Must fumigate house.”
Landlord: “ They are harmless. Don’t worry it won’t bite.”
Me (animated): “Do you think I don’t know that already? It doesn’t have to bite! It crawls and wriggles and breaks tail off body.”
Landlord looks at me like I am a basket case.I lie awake in bed a long time before I sleep out of exhaustion.