Yavakridaaa

Grad student 1: “One of the visiting scholars has arrived Guruji.”

Dr. Bharadwaj: “What already? I thought they were coming next week. Argh! My appointment papyrus is messed up. My son can show them around. Let’s see, what do I have scheduled for the afternoon? Here it is … some grad student’s final defense. Ah good, nothing important. I will meet the scholars in the afternoon.”

Grad student 1 runs around looking for his mentor’s son (Yavakrida) and finds Yava pestering the new grad students.

Grad student 1: “The visiting scholar is here and Guruji would like you to show them around the ashram.”

Yavakrida (groan!): “Oh alright! Where is he?”

Yavakrida grudgingly makes his way to greet the scholar.

Ramananda (R): “Hello, my name is Ramananda, I’m here to meet Dr. Bharadwaj.”

Yavakrida (Y): “Yes, I am Dr. Bharadwaj’s son. My name is Yavakrida.”

R: “Nice to meet you Yavakrida.”

Y: “No, no, you are not pronouncing it correctly.”

R: “Okay, so how is it pronounced?”

Y: “It’s Ya…repeat it after me…ya.”

R: “Ya.”

Y: “Va”

R: “Wa”

Y: “No, it’s va not wa, you have to bite your lips while saying va, unlike while saying wa your mouth forms the shape of a lotus bud. Got it? Va!”

Ganapati (G): “It’s just a friggin name. Can we move on with the story?”

Vyasa (V): “And what would you know about having your name incessantly mispronounced, Mr. No V in my name so I don’t care?”

G: “Good God, quit being so sensitive.”

V: “So as I was saying…or rather Yavakrida says.”

Y: “Va!”

R: “Wah!”

Two hours later.

Y: “Okay you can work on the va some more later.”

R (sarcastically): “Oh, you bet. In fact I will clear my evening schedule for it.”

V: “Ganapati, stop fudging my script.”

G: “I am just giving it some normalcy. I am sure some readers will identify with R’s feelings.”

V (pinching the bridge of his nose): “Just write.”

Y: Next is kree.”

R (exasperated): “Kri”

Y: “No it is kree. Listen to the pitch carefully. Kree.”

R: “Kreeeeeee.”

Y: “Okay, now it is too much. You have to rein it in a bit.”

R: “Kree.”

Y: “Good! And finally dah! You have to emphasize on the last bit, daahhhhhh!”

G: “Why do parents keep naming their kids with such complicated names? In the good old days of Ramayana, people had sensible names like Ram, Sita, Luv, Kush. Simple and beautiful. But now they have these insanely long names.”

V: “There are merits to long names. The kids learn half the alphabets just memorizing the names.”

G: “Ah! Good point.”

Y: “Put it all together and it is Yavakridaah! Go on say it.”

R (in a tired voice): “Yavakrida…”

Yavakrida gives encouraging looks.

R (taking the hint): “daaah!”

Y: “Yes! Now was that so hard? Pronouncing the name correctly, is a simple gesture to show respect for your fellow humans, wouldn’t you agree Ravindra?”

R: “My name is Ramananda.”

Y: “Whatever! The point I make is very important. It is crucial to get the pronunciation of the names exactly right.”

Chapter 13: Sagar's seven (Part 3 of 3)

Previously on Sagar’s seven here

Vyasa: “The bandits have a small lead but they knew that it wouldn’t take too long for the guards to catch up.”

Sagar: “Boys, it won’t take too long for the guards to catch up.”

Bandit 1 bites fingers.

Sagar: “But don’t worry, I had it all planned out. Shiru should be waiting for us with getaway horses down this road.”

Sure enough good old Shiru was patiently waiting for Sagar and the bandits.

Bandits: “You are the man Shiru!”

The bandits hop onto the horses with the loot and head into the forest as they hear a distant gallop of the guards giving chase.

The guards are hot on the bandits’ trail. The bandits manage to put some distance between the guards and themselves by taking a secret pathway in the hilly terrain. After riding for a considerable amount of time the bandits are exhausted. Night befalls upon them but they keep moving. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion the bandits decide to take refuge in an ashram they come across along the way.  They sneak into the ashram, grab clothing from the clothing lines and find an empty room to hide.

The guardsmen give a relentless chase. The squad is lead by a courageous general, two veteran soldiers and two rookies.

Rooky 1: “This is so exciting. We are on a live mission!”

Rooky 2: “Man, I have been collecting souvenirs all along the way. Mom is going to love it.”

The chase leads to an ashram. General reads the name of the ashram. “Mandavya’s Academy” is carved in big bold letters at the entrance.

General: “Okay, I know this guy. He is some kind of yogic mentor. We have to be very careful. This is the grant deadline week. The mentors are a bit psychotic during this time. So what is the first thing you do when you encounter a yogic mentor that you want to take under your custody?”

General quizzes the rookies.

Rookies in chorus: “Take control of the water source.”

General: “Good. At least the academy didn’t send me total nut jobs this year. The vets will scour the ashram for the goons; rookies come with me to the mentor’s cottage. Let’s roll.”

All in chorus: “Sir yes sir!”

The general moves towards the main cottage where the mentor is burning the mid night oil.

General: “Just as I thought, last minute grant application writing.”

Rookie 1: “Why are we arresting the mentor?”

General: “It is not a coincidence that the trail leads into this ashram. I’m afraid he is our prime suspect. Lack of funding has driven many mentors to creative ways of obtaining funding. Now keep your eyes peeled for any sudden movements.”

Rookies are very impressed by the General and follow him towards the cottage. Three heads peep into the mentor’s cottage through a window and see Mandavya scribbling away, even mumbling at times. The general gives the go signal to the rookies and the three of them storm into the cottage and take control of all the water sources before Mandavya can say what.

Mandavya: “What the?”

General: “You are under arrest.”

Mandavya: “What for? What is this nonsense? I have a deadline to make.”

General: “Playing the fool, I see. Not a very original ploy.”

Mandavya (irritated): “I was finally in the writing zone. And now thanks to you morons I’ve lost the chariot of thought.”

Veteran soldiers walk in with Sagar and the two bandits.

Soldiers: “We found the jewels and the thieves.”

General looks at Mandavya with an amused smile.

General: “Let me guess. You have never seen these men before.”

Mandavya: “As a matter of fact I haven’t.”

General: “Ugh! Arrest all of them.”

Mandavya: “This is unacceptable. I won’t stand for it. I have my rights.”

General: “Oh the rights, I forgot. Soldier, read him his rights.”

Soldier 2: “What rights?”

General: “Exactly!”

Mandavya is now fuming with anger.

General: “Gentlemen, prepare the horses. We are taking the jewelry back to the palace. Bind the thieves, that includes Mandavya and take them all to the King. Let him decide what he wants to do with them.”

General steps out. The vets bind the bandits and carry the loot to the horses. The rookies are left in charge of Mandavya.

Mandavya: “Alright fine, I will come along and settle this matter with the King. Hopefully he has more sense than your General. I just want a sip of water before I come with you.”

Rookie 1: “NO! No water. You come with us now.”

Mandavya: “No need to over react. All I want is a sip of water.”

Mandavya starts reaching for a water bowl.

Rookie 2: “Watch out. Do something!!”

Rookie 1 panics and gives in to his first instinct. He impales Mandavya with a spear and Mandavya falls to his knees. Blood starts gushing out of his stomach. Rookie 2 smacks Rookie 1 in head.

Rookie 2: “What have you done?!”

Rookie 2 runs to the General.

General: “What now?”

Rookie 2: “There has been an accident. Mandavya fell on the spear.”

General: “Fuck me without ghee.”

At the palace.

King Devapann: “Yes! My General has returned. Tell me, did you catch the scum?”

General: “Yes your majesty.”

King Devapann: “Good. And the jewels?”

General: “We have them.”

King Devapann: “Bravo! You and your men have made me proud again.”

General: “Your majesty the mission did not go as smoothly as we’d hoped.”

King Devapann: “Well, nothing a bag of gold coins can’t fix I’m sure.”

General: “Actually, a yogic mentor was involved in the operation.”

King Devapann: “Wait what?! Please tell me you did not piss him off.”

General: “Um…he was impaled…”

King goes face palm. Courtiers gasp.

General: “…in the stomach…”

Courtiers cringe.

General: “…by our soldier.”

King Devapann: “So he is dead.”

General: “Ordinarily, this would be the kind of injury that you succumb to. However, the yogic mentor used his yogic powers to stay alive. He should be here shortly with my soldiers. They are helping him make his way to the court as we speak.”

King Devapann (bites his knuckles): “Somebody punch someone.”

Rookie 2 smacks Rookie 1 on the head and Rookie 1 retorts by punching Rookie 2 in the arm.

General: “Here comes the mentor now.”

Mandavya (in deep pain): “Wa-ter.”

Courtiers: Silent gasps.

Minister: “Somebody get him some wine for his pain.”

Mandavya (gulps some wine and then begins to speak): “I have lived an honest life and yet here I am with my guts spilling out. At first I did not know whom to blame for this unlawful persecution. The soldiers who carried out the act? But they were only obeying their General’s orders. So the General then, but he is only obeying the King who commands him.”

The King gulps.

Mandavya: “But no, I’ll go to the very root of the problem. The problem is systemic. It is the system that needs to be changed. And so I will take it up with Dharma, the one who wrote our laws and constitution.”

King Devapann: “You are so wise.”

Mandavya: “I have a couple of favors to ask.”

King Devapann: “Anything you want.”

Mandavya: “Arrange a ride for me to Dharma’s office and take care of my graduate students.”

King Devapann: “Done and done.”

And so Mandavya was escorted by the General himself. On the way…

Mandavya: “Wa-ter.”

General: “You will get it first thing in Dharma’s office.”

Dharma’s office was an old dingy government office building. Mandavya and the General were greeted by the reception official, a thin old bored woman.

General: “Could we get some water please?”

Reception official / R.O.(never taking her head away from the papyrus about Angallywood she was reading): “No water allowed on government premises.”

General (grinning sheepishly): “Sorry Mandavya.”

Mandavya: “I would like to speak with Dharma.”

R. O.: “Please fill out these papyrus and take a token, you’re lucky the wait will be just under two hours today.”

Mandavya: “What? This is an emergency. Can’t you see I have a spear lodged in my stomach?”

R.O. (looks at Mandavya): “You’re right. What was I thinking? You need to fill in the pink papyrus in addition to the ones I provided. Standard non-liability agreement, in case you kick the bucket on our premises. Surprisingly, it’s more common than you’d think.”

Mandavya (appalled): “This is unacceptable…”

General (interrupts Mandavya in the middle of his tirade and takes Mandavya by the shoulder): “Why don’t you take a seat? I’ll handle this.”

Mandavya sits in the waiting room, fuming with anger, sweat dripping on the binding of the spear. One hour later, Mandavya was escorted into Dharma’s office room.

Dharma: “Come in…Mandavya is it? Yes, I have your papyruses.”

Mandavya: “Look at me! I don’t deserve this. I have lived an honest li…”

Dharma: “Let me see. Impaled with spear for crimes of the highest orders. Murders, 39 of them.”

Mandavya: “What are you talking about? You obviously have the wrong papers.”

Dharma (chuckles): “Oh no, I have the right papers. You’ve killed countless bees, mosquitoes and flies when you were four.”

Mandavya: “What? You’re kidding me!”

Dharma: “Oh no, I’m perfectly serious.”

Mandavya: “How can you accuse me of crimes that I did when I was a child?”

Dharma: “Oh, so I should let you off the hook is it? What about the pain and suffering of the bees and the flies and the mosquitoes? The pain was very real.”

Mandavya (losing it): “I’ve had it with your nonsense. You have no idea what it is to live by these idiotic rules you have created. So I see it fit that as a punishment you live by those very idiotic rules.”

Dharma: “Spare me the melodrama. There is no water allowed on these premises. You can do nothing.”

Mandavya pulls out the spear from his stomach; the spear is soaked in blood and sweat.

Mandavya: “Shit just got real.”

Mandavya then shoots the spear in Dharma’s direction and it lodges into Dharma’s head.

Both Dharma and Mandavya collapse on the floor.

Dharma: “Fuck me without ghee.”

---

After a brief blackout the next thing he knew, Dharma was swimming as fast as he could to beat the million others. The rules of the game were simple, you win you live, you lose you die. In an astonishing feat of swimming, Dharma won.

Dharma: “GOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!”

9 months later, Vichitravirya’s wife Ambalika gave birth to a son. She named him Vidura. 

Ganapati: “Woah! The spear action was amazing! Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.”

Ganapati imitates spears being thrown with his trunk. Vyasa smiles.

Chapter 13: Sagar's seven (part 2 of 3)

Previously on Sagar's seven here

Bandit 1: “Booty squad? Alright I’m in.”
Sagar: “We will hit the palace on the day after the Sweet Sixteen party for the princess. We are going in as the cleaning crew. The booty squad has already penetrated the palace and has been working as the princess’s maids. They have paid off one of the security guards to let us in and out of the palace. But the security guards change shift very often so we have to time this just right. Once inside the palace, we have10 min to get to the bedroom, break into the dressing room, grab the loot and get the hell out of there.”

A soft-skinned lotus eyed woman enters the room and all the men turn their attention to her. Sagar walks over to her.

Sagar: “Booty Queen! I’m glad you made it safely?”
Booty Queen (amused): “How cute? If only I had a gold coin for every patronizing man I met. Anyhow, I’m afraid I don’t have too much time to chit chat. The princess will notice if I am missing for too long. Here is the key to the dressing room. It took me a month to get the copy made. Put it to good use. Good luck.”

Booty Queen leaves as quickly as she had appeared.

Bandit 1 (whistles): “What a woman!”
Sagar (snaps his fingers): “As I was saying. It is very important to not lose focus in the dressing room and leave within the allotted time. Got it? Game on.”

A skinny boy knocks and walks into the room.

Boy: “Shiru is here to meet with you Boss”.
Sagar: “Go over the plan again. I don’t want any mistakes. I’ll be back soon.”

Meanwhile at the palace, King Devapann and his council are discussing Yayati and his saggy balls.

King Devapann: “This is why I don’t go around seducing women along the river banks or in the jungles. It is so risky. How can you trust some random stranger you met at the river bank?”
Minister 1: “To top it off, King Yayati managed to piss off Sukracharya in the grant application season.”
Minister 2: “Yeah, don’t mess with those yogic mentors with their woo water. If you do, your ass is grass.”
King Devapann: “I don’t know what he was thinking. You have to use your common sense to stay out of trouble. If you are the king you can order whoever pleases you to well come to the palace and please you. All this running around behind women like sissies. Where are all the men I say?”

And then King Devapann uttered the famous last words that so many of us have foolishly uttered.

King Devapann: “And running into trouble with yogic mentors? Please that could never happen to me.”

The cruel universe with a twisted sense of humor let out an evil laugh and thought ‘challenge accepted’.

 

D-day arrives. Sagar, Bandit 1 and Bandit 2 are dressed up as the cleaning crew and haul their cart full of paraphernalia to the main palace gate. At the first security check point the guards screen the goods in the cart and pat down the men to check for concealed weapons. The guards look visibly tired from the late shift of the Sweet Sixteen party. They do a half ass security check of the goods in the cart. The high pitched screaming of teenage girls had taken its toll on the security. The bandit crew makes through the first security check point.

Next they have to go through gate 12B which was the entrance to the dhobi square. The security guard at gate 12B had been paid off to let them through. Sagar spots the guard who in turn gives a slight nod of recognition. Just as the cart gets closer to Gate 12B a burly guard stops the cart.

Burly guard: “Where do you think you are going?”
Sagar: “We are the cleaning crew to clean up after the party. We were told to report to gate 12B.”
Burly guard: “Do you have the work approval scroll?”
Sagar: “Why yes. The work approval scroll.”

Sagar spreads his palm in the direction of Bandit 1.

Bandit 1: “Work approval scroll.”

Bandit 1 spreads his empty palm in the direction of Bandit 2. Bandit 2 scrambles inside the back of the cart and digs out a scroll. Sagar hands it over to the Burly guard. Burly guard inspects the scroll.

Burly guard: “The seal looks authentic. But you are headed in the wrong direction. You have to report to gate 14 first.”

Sagar not wanting to push his luck decides to follow the guard’s instructions and heads to gate 14. After rolling in the direction of gate 14 bandit 1 sneaks a peek at the burly guard. The burly guard stares back at bandit 1. Bandit 1 manages a smile and looks toward gate 14.

Bandit 1: “The guard is still watching us.”
Sagar: “I guess we have to make it through Gate 14 and catch up with the Booty squad…somehow.”

At gate 14 there are 2 guards stationed. They seem to be in a cheerful mood.

Sagar: “Excuse me sir, we are the cleaning crew. We were told report to you.”
Guard 1: “I wasn’t told to let any cleaning crew through today. Do you know about this Jaggu?”
Jaggu: “Nope. No cleaning crew news.”
Sagar: “Well may be there was a mistake in the paper work. The pigeons were sent out at the last minute by the ministry.”
Guard 1: “Well then sucks for you. No orders, no getting in.”

Sagar gives a vacant stare at his accomplices who have equally vacant expressions. An impeccably dressed man walks up to the security to get through.

Guard 1: “Salaam Raoji. Last night was spectacularly managed.”
Raoji: “Thanks. Who are they?” (referring to the crew)
Guard 1: “Cleaning crew. No orders came through for letting them in though. So we are sending them back.”
Raoji: “Oh thank God! I’ve been begging the labor ministry for years. The papyrus work finally went through.”
Guard 1: “You know about this?”
Raoji: “I am not letting you send them back. I desperately need extra hands in there.”
Guard 1: “Okay, so long as it’s not my head on the line.”
Raoji: “I will keep an eye on them personally. Come along boys.”

The bandits can’t believe their luck and start unloading the cart.

Raoji: “Oh no, you won’t need those ghastly bourgeois brands in there. I will give you all the supplies you need. Now hurry along, we don’t have all day.”

Raoji starts walking at a fast pace. Afraid of losing their chance to get in, the bandits run along Raoji’s side.

Raoji: “The guards are always so paranoid. Anyway, we had to get one dozen elephants for last night’s party and they have made a terrible mess in the stables. So I want you to clean up the stables before the western breeze kicks in and starts blowing the ghastly smell into the palace.”

The bandit crew is now reluctantly following Raoji with visions of giant piles of elephant poo.

Raoji: “Here you are. This is where you report to me, in the main servant quarters. Gopal will show you where the supply closet is.”
Booty Fool: “There you are Raoji.”
Raoji (not pleased): “I’m very busy today.”
Booty Fool: “I don’t mean to take up too much of your time. But the princess would like the sheets in her room changed again. The staff put in pink sheets but the princess would much rather have the mauve ones.”
Raoji: “Everyone is busy. Her room was made up to her request. We have a full schedule today, the staff will get to it as soon as they can.”
Booty Fool: “I don’t see these men doing anything. I can take them off your hands.”
Raoji: “They are about to sanitize the stables.”
Booty Fool: “Oh I’m sorry. I will let the princess know that the elephant stables have a higher priority than her room and I am sure she will be very understanding.”
Raoji: “Grrr! Okay fine take them. I don’t have time for this. You three, report to me as soon as you are done with the princess’s room okay?”

Booty Fool starts moving away in the same hurry as Raoji. Bandit crew catches up with Booty Fool.

Bandit 1: “Phew! That was close. We were…”
Booty Fool: “Sshh! Keep some distance behind me, your head low and follow me.”

Booty Fool navigates them through the palatial labyrinth. As they make their way up the stairs Booty Fool confronts the bandit crew.

Booty Fool: “WTF were you doing at Gate 14? I specifically told you to go to Gate 12B.”

Sagar: “Something came up okay. But we made it in didn’t we?”

Booty Fool: “Well hardly. You would be picking up elephant poop if it hadn’t been for me. I will take you to the princess’s room because God knows the Booty Squad wants to get some money and be done with this maid stint. So don’t screw up.”

Sagar: “Don’t worry. We have it under control now.”

Booty Fool: “Alright. Here we are. The dressing room is the first door to the right. Good luck.”

The Bandit crew opens the door to the princess’s bedroom. The three bandits enter the palatial room. Giant windows lined with silk curtains. In the center of the room there is a plush bed with a thousand pillows of different colors and sizes, the bed posts are covered with fresh flowers and the butterfly motif runs through the walls. A fragrant lavender perfume pervades the room.

Bandit 1: “Girls…yeesh!”

The bandits swiftly move to the dressing room. The door is locked. Sagar thrusts his empty hand in front of Bandit 1.

Sagar: “The key.”

Bandit 1 thrusts his hand in front of Bandit 2.

Bandit 1: “The key.”

Bandit 2: “I don’t have it.”

Bandit 1: “What do mean you don’t have it? I gave it to you to keep it safely, remember?”

Bandit 2: “Yes, and I did. It is safely tucked away in the cleaning supplies.”

Sagar: “Are you fucking serious?”

Bandit 1 (smacks Bandit 2 on his head): “You idiot.”

The room reverberates with a mysterious voice: “I-diot”

Sagar: “What the hell was that?”

Bandit 2 stands closer to Bandit 1 and they all look around feeling a bit tense.

Bandit 2: “I heard the palace was haunted. Maybe it’s true.”

Sagar: “Alright, we don’t have time for this superstitious nonsense. But if we don’t figure out how to get through this door soon, we are going to be screwed.”

Mysterious voice (reverberates): “Screwed!”

The bandits are now visibly tense.

Bandit 1: “It’s probably best that we leave.”

Bandit 2: “Should we clean the room before leaving.”

Sagar gives angry stares to Bandits 1 and 2. Suddenly, the bedroom door springs open and two shadowy figures walk in. The bandits quickly grab things closest to them and assume fight poses. Sagar stands on one leg in a coiled position with a pillow in his hand, Bandit 1 points a vase like a sword and Bandit 2 holds a chair over his head. Booty Queen and Booty Luscious enter the door.

Booty Queen: “At ease soldiers.”

Sagar (sheepishly): “Oh thank God.”

Booty Queen: “So everything in order?”

Sagar: “Well…would you happen to have an extra copy of the key to the dressing room?”

Booty Luscious (disgruntled sighs): “I told you they were not reliable.”

Booty Queen (miffed): “It took me one month and some unspeakable favors to get the key forged. One month! And yet here you are without the key. The one key! Alright this is the final time Booty Squad comes to your rescue Sagar. If you fail, I swear we will personally hunt you down.”

Mysterious voice: “Hunt!”

Sagar and the bandits look startled.

Booty Luscious: “Oh relax. It’s the parrot.”

For the first time Sagar and his goons notice a parrot perched up on a ledge in the ceiling.

Booty Queen: “The parrot has the original key on the necklace around his neck. The bastard will only answer to the princess. No matter, I know how to deal with him.”

Booty Queen brandishes a slender wooden tube concealed in her waist band, aims it at the parrot and as soon as she blows into the cylinder a dart darts straight towards the parrot and lodges into the parrot’s neck. The parrot plunges towards the floor as the word “screwed” echo into the room in the same mysterious voice.

Booty Queen and Booty Luscious leave the room and the bandits hustle to get the key. They open the dressing room and furiously pack all the jewels and clothes into the laundry bag that Raoji had so graciously provided.

Sagar: “Wrap it up boys. We are running out of time.”

Bandit 1: “Done, let’s scoot.”

The three walk in a hurry with overstuffed laundry bags.

Bandit 2:  “Which way are we going?”

Sagar (pulls out a papyrus): “This way.”

They navigate the palace successfully to get to the gate with the paid off security guard. He lets them out. They hurry out to the cart by Gate 14.

Sagar: “Load the stuff, quickly.”

All of them scamper into the cart. Just when the cart begins to moves, it is stopped. Raoji appears to have caught up with them.

Raoji: “And where do you think you are going?”

Sagar: “Um…”

Raoji: “Is that the laundry in the cart?”

Raoji eyes the cart carefully. One of the overstuffed cloth bags had ripped open to reveal some jewelry.

Raoji: “Is that? Guards! Thieves!”

Sagar: “It’s jail or bail boys.”

Sagar whips the horses into action. The horses speed through the main gate as the guards prepare to give them a chase.

Vyasa: “That’s it for now, come back next week for our next session.”

Ganapati: “What?! You can’t stop now.”

Vyasa: “I can and I will.”

Chapter 12: Sagar's seven (part 1 of 3)

Vyasa (V) is animatedly describing a dramatic drama script that he has been working on to Ganapati (G). G is soaking in every word excitedly because he is a sucker for action drama.

V in his best voice over guy voice: “In a world full of dirty laundry, is there hope? Coming soon to a stage near you. ‘Dhobi Ghat’. There is drama. ‘Hey Bhagwan, mere aakhri safed patloon par tumne ye keechad kyon uchala?’ There is action, ‘I need a washed pair of underwear stat. Dry stupid clothes dry’. There is romance. ‘Blank’. Okay scratch that.”

G: “Heh”

V (continues in a voice over guy voice): “Starring Lint Eastwood. Lint Eastwood voice over: ‘When you decided to wear unwashed undies, you had to ask yourself this question, do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?”

G pulls out the quill from his dhoti and revolves it: “Pow pow pow! I love Lint Eastwood!”

V: “Also starring Dinu Washing-ton. Dinu voice ‘I am not going to bury my laundry. My laundry is going to bury me.’ The only way he can survive is by doing more laundry. Also starring, Silk Smitten. Silk Smitten runs jiggling in slow motion.”

G: “Ah! I miss Riverwatch.”

V: “I don’t know man, breaking into Angallywood is tough. The politics…it’s killer but I can still deal with it. My half cousin’s wife’s uncle knows a guy who knows an assistant director. So I am pretty sure I can get around the bureaucracy with nepotism.”

G: “Well played.”

V: “But they kill you with edits and censorship man! They stripped my script to some melodramatic sob story which only a masochist could read through and the ghastly dialogues, it’s like the script is written for a 4 y old, you know a really dumb 4 y old.”

G: “Well you could do the silly stuff until you have a leg in and then once you have some street cred move onto something you would like to do.”

V: “Gah! You’re like my dad. That’s such a sell out mentality. I for one will adhere to my standards. I’m going to think big. I want to break the mould, put it out there.”

G: “Talk to me in five years”.

V: “I was thinking about this drama script called “Dhobi Ghat” where the laundry is a metaphor for life. It doesn’t matter who you are in life. Whether you are a king or a poor grad student, you always have some dirty laundry to do. Sure some people can throw money at the problem, get other people to do their laundry but the problem never goes away. There is always more laundry to do.”

G: “Obviously you have given a lot of thought to laundry”.

V: “And just like in life, with laundry we are confronted with choices. Should you play by the rules set by the clothes retailers on those itchy labels or should you risk it all and dare to wash the dry clean only clothes with the regular clothes? Should you sort the loads by the fabric composition or by color? If by fabric compo then where does the 50% cotton and 50% silk go? You see how I give life’s big questions a new perspective?”

G: “Yeah, mind blowing”

V: “Then there is the issue about color. You’d think it is a clear cut issue here. You should never mix the colored ones with the whites, cause then you are just asking for trouble.”

G: “Woah! Okay that’s going a bit too far”.

V: “We live in a sick world my friend. I had a room-mate once who not only mixed colors with whites, he washed the delicates and cottons together. What are we? Animals?”

G: “No that’s not what I meant. I was alluding to the metaphor…”

V: “Forget about the metaphor. The coolest part about Dhobi Ghat is…you’ll never guess it. Okay ready?”

G: “Please tell me there won’t be any ghastly laundry puns.”

V: “Well of course not.”

G: “Well good.”

V: “Did that take a load off your mind.”

G: “Aargh!”

V: “Okay okay, check it out, for realz this time. Ready? There will be no Dhobi Ghat in the whole story. People are going to expect it and they will keep waiting for it and I won’t give it to them. The movie will end abruptly and leave the audience hanging…like the laundry. I am going to totally go meta on the audience.”

G: “Wow! Is there something else you are looking into for, you know, back-up in case this thing doesn’t take off?”

V: “I don’t know, I probably should. My stuff could be a bit too sublime for Angallywood. When the time comes I might get a regular job, just to pay the bills and such.”

G: “Yeah, good idea. So what about the dissertation?”

V: “Heh! I’ve been procrastinating I must admit. But now is as good a time as any to get back to it. Are you up for it?”

G: “Am I? Let’s do this thing!”

V narrates: “It was high noon. The sun was blazing. The royals and the guards were hung over from last night’s celebrations. The princess’s jewels had still not been taken to the treasury. Sagar the con man had kept the plan simple.”

1 month before...

Sagar: “All we have to do is break into a palace with security system that rivals that of Brahmastra Inc., which was last we tried impregnable. We need to cross the moat with hungry crocodiles, scale the giant wall which is 2000 feet high, get past about 3000 security personnel unnoticed, find the location of princess’s bedroom out of the 349 rooms in the palace, get past the princess and her maids, steal the jewelry and live off the money we make from selling the stash.”

Bandit 1: “This is impossible”.

Sagar: “If by impossible you mean completely possible then yes.”

Bandit 1: “Okay I’m leaving”.

Bandit 2: “Even if we somehow make it in there, are we supposed to carry the whole stash out of the place unnoticed?”

Sagar: “Yeah, ideally.”.

Bandit 1: “And how many men do you think we need to do this job?”

Sagar: “Men? Have you heard of the Booty squad? Together we will be Sagar’s seven!”

Chapter 11: How Yayati got his mojo back

(Here is a consolidated version of the Twitter episode. It reads like a Twitter feed, so start reading from the bottom.)

gbappa
@vyasagrad Alright jeez. So you don't have a good ending to the story. C u @D'rakshas.

vyasagrad
@gbappa What is with endings? Is it a happy ending? Is it a sad ending? Who cares? Yayati dies of old age and Puru dies of STD. Everybody dies G. That's how all stories end. There are no happy endings. No rainbows and butterflies. Alright? 

gbappa
@vyasagrad wait what happens to Yayati and Puru?

vyasagrad
@gbappa The end of chapter 11, meet you @D'rakshas

purutheguru
@yayatithehotty God u r boring. I have some awesome ruling to do so if we can cut through the monologuing and get my youth back it would be great. Kthxbye.

yayatithehotty
@purutheguru Son, you gave me the greatest gift there was. Last year has been amazing. But I have learned there is more to life than sex, alcohol and rock and roll...

(1 year later)

purutheguru
@yayatithehotty, @son1, @son2, @son3 See you at my crowning ceremony suckers.

devyaniscool
@yayatithehotty You disgust me.

yayatithehotty
@purutheguru Alright, since I seem to be running out of options I will take it if you throw in the phone# of the hotty wearing yellow flowers from last nights party.

purutheguru
@yayatithehotty The right to the throne you say? You are on like Hanuman. However, you can has my youth for 1 y only.

yayatithehotty
@purutheguru (aka son4) You are my last hope. Son please, be a man!

son3 has blocked yayatithehotty

son2
@yayatithehotty fwd re:tweet from @son1 :p Also u need a new handle...hotty?! 

yayatithehotty
@son2 fwd tweet for @son1

son1
@yayatithehotty No dad, your kingdom is not worth the saggy balls.

yayatithehotty
@son1 Son, I once more have the urge to taste the nectar of youth.Would you be willing to trade your youth for the right the rule the kingdom.

(15 years later.Yayati's 4 sons have grown into horny young teens and Yayati is a horny young teen at heart).

yayatithehotty
@sukracharya OK fine pwn3d my ass. I'm begging you...gimme my mojo back. #cbmb

yayatithehotty
@sukracharya I LOL @ ur curse. If anything the gray hair makes me look dignified. Wait what's happening with my balls? #cbmb

Sexy Sarmishta
@yayatithehotty Great! I'm preggers too...there goes my figure #cbmb

sukracharya
@yayatithehotty Curse u Yayati, I missed the grant deadline thnx 2 all this family drama. Prepare 2 be old and mojoless #cbmb

yayatithehotty
@devyaniscool Ur pregnant! But more importantly, u told on me? Not cool!

Devyani Iscool
@sukracharya I HATE YOU!!! All u care about is ur stoopid grants & research. FYI, I’m preggo and Yayati cheated on me with Sarmishta #CBMB

sarmishtasposse
@sexysarmishta Who sleeps with my bff and cheats on devyani? PINK FLOWERED YELLOW PANTS! #cbmb

sarmishtasposse
@sexysarmishta Oh no U didn't! Deets pls

yayatithehotty
@devyaniscool Looks like the dhobi mixed up the laundry again...nothing to be suspicious about...he he...I looooove you...<3 <3 :* #cbmb

yayatithehotty
@sexysarmishta Crap! 2 words for you...direct messages #cbmb

devyaniscool
@sexysarmishta And how would you know? #cbmb

sexysarmishta
@yayatithehotty Were they yellow with pink flowers? #cbmb

yayatithehotty
Is mourning the loss of his favorite underpants. @devyaniscool Get off twitter and look for them already. #cbmb

sukracharya
Hi. This is the Sukracharya. I just joined.

devyaniscool
@sukracharya Daaadd! Sarmishta is flirting with Yayati. Make it stop. #cbmb

sexysarmishta
@yayatithehotty You were looking sexy at the river bank yesterday, have you been working out? #cbmb

sexysarmishta
@devyanisposse Hi Devyani, what's up with the new ID? #cbmb

devyanisposse
@sexysarmishta @sarmishtasposse @devyaniscool Devyani so doesn't have a mustache. Devyani, as her ID states, is cool. #cbmb

crystalblur
I have 1 from the internet. Q: Why do most gay men have mustaches? A: To hide their stretch marks.

vyasagrad
@gbappa Groan!!

gbappa
@vyasagrad E-nuff with the stache jokes already :p

vyasagrad
@gbappa Eeeeeeeeee who?

gbappa
@vyasagrad Eeeeeeeeee

vyasagrad
@gbappa ooh I luv knock knock jokes...who's there?

gbappa
@vyasagrad Knock knock

vyasagrad
@gbappa Do U know any mustache jokes?

sarmishtasposse
@sexysarmishta Wait I got another 1...what is she (@devyaniscool) auditioning for? a porn movie...u know bcoz of the stache...haha LOLZ

sexysarmishta
@sarmishtasposse Haha G1 You'd think she would at least bleach the stache for the wedding day

sarmishtasposse
@sexysarmishta @devyaniscool LOLZ her dhoti will go well with her stache

sexysarmishta
@devyaniscool Heard you proposed to @yayatithehotty? Will you be wearing dhotis next?

vyasagrad
@gbappa Or so she thinks...muahahahaha

gbappa
@devyaniscool hooks up with @yayatithehotty ? Good for Devyani

yayatithehotty
so this is what it feels like to be married...

devyaniscool
Wedding day was almost perfect except for Dad’s goof up of getting @sexysarmishta to become my maid of honor. Maid dad, not maid of honor.

gbappa
@vyasagrad Stop padding up these stories like ur resume

vyasagrad
@gbappa R u crazy? 140 tweets or less…maybe

gbappa
@vyasagrad episode 11 in 140 characters or less?

crystalblur
Chapter 11: How Yayati got his mojo back

Chapter 11: RT How Yayati got his mojo back

I am now on twitter and following some interesting characters. Drop by to see what they are tweeting about.

http://twitter.com/crystalblur

Chapter 10: Divine secrets of the Yayati sisterhood

Vyasa (V): Here we are
Ganpati (G): Indeed, here we are!
V: But the question is where were we?
G blows…eh about…almost…2 years worth of dust from the last papyrus he had scribbled.
V almost falls out of his seat.
V: 2 years! Well then it is about time.

V and G get off the seats and break into a song.
Ta-tut ta-tut tut-ta!
It was 4 years ago
Was it really?
That we gave this story a go

V: I think I snapped a tendon, we should stick to writing
G (disappointed): Oh alright.
V: Where were we story-wise?
G: Let’s see…we were writing about some dude called Shankaracharya…no wait…Sukracharya. He is an evil scientist who is funded by Asuras and can bring people back from dead.
V: Wait a minute. I do not cater to evil scientists stereotypes. Sukracharya is a good guy.
G: Then why is he consorting with the Asuras?
V: Do you know how hard it is to get funding? On average 97% of the grants are rejected.
G: Alright simmer down. So there is Dr. S and he is a single father. What’s the story with the mom?
V: I haven’t made up that part yet…no questions, just a brief summary please.
G: Okay…the daughter Devyani has an affair with a student named Kacha, not knowing that Kacha is actually a spy. You know you could call this chapter ‘the spy who shagged me!’.
V stares sternly as G chuckles.
V: Take your time, we have all day.
G: Fine! The spy plots and successfully steals Dr. S’s Sanjiviniology research and then ditches Devyani. Bru-tal! Then Devyani steals the princess’s clothes and the princess in turn pushes Devyani in a dry well. Tough day for Devyani. Then a prince conveniently and believably happens to be wandering around in the forest.
V -> searing stares.
G: And the prince is gallivanting in the woods all by himself, probably looking for damsels in distress, I mean who knows what he was looking for and it doesn’t matter so long as the plot moves forward.
V taps his foot.
G: Then the prince…what is his name anyway?
V: Umm…Yayati
G: Okay, Yayati then finds Devyani and rescues her and then Devyani proposes and gets rejected by the prince because of her fat ass and Devyani is stranded in the forest.

V (rubbing his hands with excitement): Alright, here we go.

Devyani sat in the forest feeling dejected and alone. Soon the forest was enveloped in darkness and sinister howls echoed in the forest. Devyani cowered under a tree and started praying for somebody to rescue her.

Sukracharya squints at his wrist dial under the candle light.
Sukracharya (S): Where is this girl? I can’t figure out what time it is on this dial.

Vyasa (V): Talking about wrist dials, I’m thinking of buying one with an abacus in it.
Ganapati (G): You people with your gadgets. When you are hungry it is time to eat, when you are sleepy it is time to sleep. I don’t need a dial to tell me what time it is.
V: Ganya, you are strange sometimes.

Worried about the daughter, he asks a student to go looking for her in the forest. Partly because as a tenured professor he could get away with it but mostly because he was afraid of the dark. The student searches for Devyani for hours and finally finds her and takes her home.
Student: “Can I graduate now?”
S: “That is up to the committee to decide. Remember there is no substitute for hard work.”
Disgruntled student walks away.

S: And as for you missy, do you know what time it is?
Taps the wrist dial.
S: I am sick of this behavior. Out partying at ungodly hours, the pigeon practically fainted last week from delivering your incessant pigeon mail and then there is all this expensive junk you keep buying…like this wrist dial which doesn’t even work.
Devyani (D): It works only during the day dad!

G: I always wonder why those things can’t work at night? I mean clearly we have the moon at night, so what’s the problem?
V: I don’t know. So where were we…

D: It works only during the day dad! Stop yelling at me. I wasn’t out partying, I was almost murdered.
S: Murdered? Don’t be dramatic. Why would anyone murder my daughter when I can bring you right back to life? That would be the most pointless thing to do.
D bursts into tears.
D: Nobody likes me. Everybody makes fun of me. I am never getting married.
S: Okay okay. Tell me what happened.
D: It’s Sarmishta…she thinks she is so hip. The only reason she has friends is because her dad would behead anyone who is mean to her. Anyway, I was minding my own business and I don’t know what got into her. She is probably jealous of me or something she just pushed me into a pit.
S: May be it was a mistake. May be she didn’t mean to push you.
D: She also said that your last publication had the lousiest data she has ever seen and something about error bars…that you haven’t heard about them…
Sukracharya’s face turned the deepest color of crimson.

S: I will have a chat with her Dad first thing in the morning.
He simmered through the night and made his way to the palace at the crack of dawn.

At the palace.
King Vrishaparva (KV): Sukracharya? What a pleasant surprise! Usually I don’t wake up before you can start telling time but the wife is on my case. So I do a little cardio in the morning to get the old motor running. In fact I am looking for a running partner, you interested?
S gives angry stares.
KV: Sooooo, what’s up? What brings you here?
S: I will get right to the point. I am not treated with respect and I am tired of this attitude. There are lots of other kingdoms that I can offer my services to and would be appreciated for. In fact, I am thinking of leaving you and your kingdom for good.
KV: What did the Asuras do now?
S: It wasn’t the Asuras this time. It was your daughter.
KV: My daughter? What could she possibly do or say that would make you leave?
S: I am not going to repeat the hideousness that she uttered but I want to make it clear that I will not stand for it.
KV: Okay, I will talk with her.
S: I am afraid that is not enough.
KV: Look, I would hate for things to end this way. You and I both know that my kingdom will crumble without your Frankenstein stuff. I apologize on her behalf.
S: I have put up with a lot humiliation with the Asuras harassing my students and murdering them and feeding their body parts to my pets. But this time it has gone too far. There is nothing you can say or do to stop me.
KV: I will double your salary and fund you for a year.
S: I said that I will not…really? Double!
KV: Yes.
S: I do need some more grant money and my last application was rejected. Alright you have a deal.
KV: Great chatting with you. Gotta run.

Sukracharya gleefully returns home only to find a miffed Devyani.

D: So?
S: It has all been taken care of.
D: What do you mean? Do I get an apology from Sarmistha?
S: Er…yes. She is going to mail it to you.
D (whines): Daaaad! I was humiliated. You didn’t just let them get away with it?
S: Of course not, they are going to pay for it.
D: Pay, you got a settlement? How much? Can I shop at Gocci now?
S: Sorry hon, you already spent your allowance and I need the extra money for my research.
D: This is not fair. I demand an apology from Sarmistha…no wait, I want her to be my maid for…forever.
S: Devyani, she is the King’s daughter.
Devyani makes puppy face.
S: Dammit Devyani! Okay fine, but if they don’t agree you will have to quit moping around and no more trips to the forest after dark.

G: Are all the women in your story unreasonable, emotional drags that serve the only utilitarian purpose of propagating the progeny?
V: Well they are women. What are you getting at?
G sighs.
V: I am getting hungry. Should we go grab a bite?
G: Might as well finish this chapter.
V: Oh that would take far too long. Sarmista becomes Devyani’s maid, I still haven’t figured out a way to make that sound plausible. Then Devyani finally hooks up with Yayati, the guy who rescued her from the well in the forest which by the way is an inter-caste marriage. Pretty forward of me know? Hooking up a Kshatriya with a Brahmin girl.
G: Scandalous.
V: And then of course, Sarmista also gets jiggy with Yayati…the whole catfight angle to the story.
G: Yeah let’s go grab a bite. I have a coupon for Kabooters
V: You go there?
G: Yeah, I go there for the food. They have really good wings.
V: Riiigght!

Chapter 9: The elephant man

Vyasa is waiting at D’rakshas, the local bar, chewing on some Juicy Root gum. Earlier in the day, he got a pigeon mail from Ganapati.

Running errands for mom. Will be a little late.

–G.

Vyasa is a little nervous as this is his first time in the bar. He straightens up and shifts his weight in the seat as he sees a beautiful woman approach him. She looks a little familiar and Vyasa jogs his memory to no avail. He wonders if she was in one of the Play Apsara center folds.

Waitress (non-chalantly): “Welcome to D’rakshas. My name is Laupadi.”
Vyasa: “My name is Vyasa. It is an honor to meet you.”
Laupadi: “That’s nice…what do you want to drink.”
Vyasa: “I will have a glass of soma, but I insist that I will pay.”
Laupadi (chuckles): “You are funny.”

A familiar voice interjects.

Ganapati: “No he is not. He is just weird. I will have a glass of soma on the rocks please.”
Laupadi: “Sorry, we are all out of rocks.”
Ganapati: “Alright, just soma then.”
Laupadi: “Okay. I will be back soon.”

Laupadi walks away from the table. Ganapati pulls up a chair.

Vyasa: “Ugh! Do you have to ruin everything? I was just getting acquainted with the kind lady”

Vyasa dreamily checks out Laupadi heading towards the bar. Ganapati snaps his fingers in Vyasa’s face.

Ganapati: “Oye, snap out of it. The kind lady happens to be a man.”
Vyasa (in a hushed whisper): “No!”
Ganapati: “Trust me, I have a nose for these things.”
Vyasa: “My God G…really? But that is impossible. No man can have that body….that body…did you even look at her? I don’t believe you.”
Ganapati: “Heard of tantric sex change?”
Vyasa: “What? You don’t believe in those quack witch doctors do you? This is ridiculous. You can’t change your gender. It is ludicrous. Okay quiet here she comes.”

Laupadi approaches them and places the drinks on the table. Vyasa has an abnormal grin on his face while Ganapati looks bored. Vyasa stares at Laupadi with narrow eyes.

Laupadi (talks to Ganapati): “You are right, he is weird.”

Laupadi briskly walks back to the bar.

Vyasa: “You are right her face looks weird, like it is artificial…it almost does not look human.”

Ganapati menacingly stares at Vyasa.

Vyasa: “Ahem! This soma is great. Did you try it?”
Ganapati: “Alright let’s just get it out. I know I am a little different looking. I see how people look at me when I enter a room. I am like the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about.”
Vyasa: “What? Don’t be silly. You are one of the most normal people I’ve met.”
Ganapati: “I have a trunk for a nose.”

Ganapati wriggles his trunk in the air inspecting it with his eyes squinting.

Vyasa: “Oh come on…it is hardly noticeable.”
Ganapati: “You are saying that there is nothing odd about my face?”
Vyasa: “Its…its…its um.”
Ganapati: “Listen, I know what I look like and I am not ashamed of it.”

Ganapati gulps down the drink and signals Laupadi from across the room to refill his glass. Laupadi comes by the table and refills the glass. Ganapati asks Laupadi to leave the pitcher at the table and continues gulping the drink furiously.

Ganapati: “You are a nice person Vyasa…no you are not nice…you are great. But you know who is an ass? My dad.”
Vyasa: “You don’t mean that G. Believe me, everybody has issues with their parents but every parent loves their child.”
Ganapati: “Not my father he doesn’t. You want to know why I look like this?”
Vyasa: “Alright I admit it. I am a little curious to know how you ended up with a…”
Ganapati: “Elephant’s head?”
Vyasa: “Yeah”
Ganapati: “Well I was a normal human baby when I was born. But my dad didn’t even know he had a son. He was away on one of his rock gigs.”
Vyasa: “Wow! Is your dad a rock star? Is it someone I know?”
Ganapati: “He wears a leopard skirt and carries a snake around his neck. Need I say more?"
Vyasa: “Your dad is the drummer for the Himalayan Howlers! I love them…Shivar me timbers is one of my favorite songs.”
Ganapati (a little annoyed): “As I was saying…”
Vyasa (sensing Ganapati’s tone): “Sorry, go on.”
Ganapati: “Well…he is such an attention whore. Did you see his latest look? He has dread locks with a water sprinkler as an accessory. Ever heard of less is more dad?”
Vyasa: “So he is a little extravagant with his wardrobe. I’m sure he loves you even though he may not show it as well. Different people have different ways of expressing their feelings. It would kill my dad to pat my back or say something nice.”
Ganapati: “Has your Dad ever chopped off your head?”

Vyasa gasps and looks aghast. Ganapati chugs down the remaining drink to empty the pitcher.

Vyasa: “What? Your dad did that to you? Why?”
Ganapati: “Because he is a lunatic murderer.”
Vyasa: “That is horrible.”
Ganapati: “Yeah he is the dad of the year.”
Vyasa: “So is that how?”
Ganapati: “Yeah pretty much. He comes home after a long tour one day. Mom was in the shower and she had specifically asked me to not let anyone in the house. I had never seen Dad so when he returned I treated him like a perfect stranger. He reeked of alcohol and didn’t make any sense when he talked. So I didn’t let him into the house. Before I knew what was happening he chopped off my head.”

Vyasa listens to Ganapati with an expression of disbelief.

Ganapati: “Mom threw a fit when she saw what he had done and told dad that I was his son. She cried uncontrollably and demanded I be brought to life. I wish she would’ve done it herself instead of asking my drunken dad. He took me somewhere in the forest and realized that he had carried the body but had forgotten the head. It was too late to get my head because the head wasn’t kept on ice. So he decided to find an alternative. He found a baby elephant around where we were and chopped off its head.”
Vyasa: “He killed a baby elephant? This is beyond horrible.”
Ganapati: “And then he superglues the elephants head onto my body. Voila!”
Vyasa: “Wow! I mean I thought I was the ultimate gruesome fiction writer but even I couldn’t have made up something so awful. G you need a butt load of therapy.”
Ganapati: “Tell me about it.”
Vyasa: “How could your mom stick with him? She should’ve gotten a divorce.”
Ganapati: “She wanted to but my dad is a very powerful man. He has a cult following and he is worshipped like a God. Dad threatened mom. He told her that nobody would believe a woman’s word over a man’s word and that he could easily prove that I wasn’t his son. There was no facial resemblance after all.”
Vyasa: “Oh no.”
Ganapati: “So now you know.”
Vyasa: “There are corrective surgery options available nowadays you know?”
Ganapati: “Why would you say that? Why would I want a corrective surgery?”
Vyasa: “I thought you … never mind.”

Laupadi comes by the table and clears the glasses.

Laupadi: “The bar is closed now. I will leave the bill here. Thanks.”

Vyasa and Ganapati sip the remains of the drink and place gold coins on the table.

Vyasa: “Are you coming by my cottage over the weekend?”
Ganapati: “Hic!”
Vyasa: “Great. How are you going to get home? I will hail you a chariot.”
Ganapati: “Don’t worry I can ride. I came here on my mouse.”
Vyasa: “You rode a mouse? Okay! I am taking you home.”

Vyasa struggles to support Ganapati’s weight but his knees buckle.

Laupadi: “Need a hand?”

Vyasa grins sheepishly. Laupadi gives Ganapati a boost and gets him off the chair effortlessly.

Vyasa: “Wow! You are pretty…”

Vyasa luckily finishes the sentence in his mind – ‘strong for a woman’.

Laupadi (smiles): “Why thanks sweety.”

Laupadi and Vyasa move steadily towards the chariot stand and get Ganapati into the chariot. Vyasa thanks Laupadi and hands her a generous tip. Laupadi smiles and heads back to the bar. The chariot rolls on towards Ganapati’s mansion while Ganapati blissfully snores with drool coming out of his mouth. Vyasa leans back and rests his head as the chariot rolls on into the dark forest.

Chapter 8: The Devil wears Gocci

Vyasa (V): Like most girls recovering from heartbreak, Devyani decided to focus on socializing instead of brooding at home. One such warm summer afternoon, Devyani was hanging out with princess Sarmishta and her group of friends. After a game of hide-and-seek, the girls decided to cool off by taking a communal bath. Glistening in their sweat, the succulently developed women stripped off their clothes and ran in slow motion towards the calm, soothing water of the river.

Ganapati and Vyasa are lost in image for a minute.

Ganapati (G): *cough* *cough*

V (sheepish grin): Ahem…where were we? Ah, yes. Moving on.

G lowers trunk and resumes writing

V: While the women soaked in the cool water, a swift summer breeze blew by the river and shuffled the clothes lying by the river bank. The women giggled and frolicked in the water to their hearts’ content, and then decided to make their way home. The clothes were sorted out and the bathing beauties covered their assets. Princess Sarmishta noticed that her new designer dress by Gocci was missing.

Sarmishta (S): I am going to be so mad if I find as much as one stitch messed up
Friend 1 (F1): But who could possibly steal it?
Devyani (D) (walks by wearing the Gocci outfit): Ready to leave girls?
S (Gasp!): What the fuck? That’s my dress, bitch!
D (pretends to look astonished): Oh! I must’ve confused my dress with yours.
S: Confused my Gocci dress with your Valmiki-mart rags? Yeah, I would believe that…if you were blind and retarded.
D (in tears): You don’t have to be so mean! You can have your dress back.
S: I am being mean? First, you steal my dress. Then you lie about being confused. I did you a favor by letting you hang out with us A-list socialites and you were the one back-stabbing. Give me my dress back before you ruin it, you filthy low-life fat-ass bitch.
D: Did you just call me fat?
S: No. That would be filthy low-life fat-ass bitch.
D: That’s it!

Devyani lunges on to the princess and goes straight for her hair

G (excited): Catfight!
V: The princess tries to fight back, and in the tackle, there is a distinctive sound of cloth ripping, that is heard across the forest.

S: That better not be my Gocci tearing!

Sure enough, a big gaping hole had made its debut on the otherwise pristine dress.

S: That’s it! You’re going down…the well.
Everyone: Gasp!
D: No. Please. This is all a big mistake. My dad can bring dead people back to life. I am sure he could fix your dress.
S: Clearly you know nothing about fashion if you think your dad can fix a Gocci. Girls, shall we?

The princess and her friends pulled Devyani near a dry well and dumped her into it. Devyani pleaded and cried, but the girls walked back to the palace without her. Devyani whimpered in the dark well all alone, waiting for her dad to find her.

S: We in Vrishaparva take fashion crime seriously, and honey when she put that Gocci on, she asked for trouble. Let that be a lesson for anyone who even thinks to put a scratch on my Gocci. Hell hath no fury like a woman with her Gocci torn
Friend 2 (F2): Yeah, you showed her.

V: Why Ganapati, you are awfully quiet today.
G: Hot naked chicks bathing in the river, catfights…it’s all good. No complaints.
V: Huh! Who knew? Anyway, let’s continue with the story.

Meanwhile in the dry well.

D: It is dark, cold and lonely here…I am beginning to feel claustrophobic…Is that a spider? Aaaaargh!!

Devyani’s shriek reverberated in the forest. As luck would have it, a handsome youth was wandering around in the forest.

Handsome Youth (HY): Why, that sounds like a damsel in distress. Hello! Is somebody there?
D (hoping it is some handsome prince): Help!

The youth follows Devyani’s voice to the well.

D: Thank God! Please rescue me from this death hole.

The youth bends over flexing his taut muscles, and pulls out Devyani from the well. Devyani is struck by the youth’s surfboard abs and charming dimpled smile.

D (clutching the youth’s muscular arms): Oh my, looks like somebody has been working out.
HY: It is getting dark. You should be heading home.

It could be the proximity to the river, or the youth’s charismatic presence, but blinded by infatuation, Devyani proposes to the youth.

G: About time somebody proposed by the river.
V: Unfortunately for Devyani, she had uttered the words that would send any commitment-phobic guy scampering like a scared mouse.

HY: Er…I am not sure. We just met. I hardly know you.
D: Well, that can be fixed. You can know me all you want. The night is still young and so are we.
HY: Look, I am a kshatriya and you are a brahmin girl. Even if our horoscopes match, society would never accept our union. I am sorry, but no can do.
D: I can’t believe you are saying no. It’s my ass, isn’t it?
HY: There’s nothing wrong with your ass…I mean…not that I was looking…I mean…with you…I mean…I have to go now. Bye

The youth scampered away like a terrified mouse. Miffed, heartbroken, and lonely, Devyani made her way home, determined to take her revenge on the princess.

(…to be continued)

Chapter 7: The Return of the Living Dead

Vyasa walks into his cottage and finds Ganapati busting a move oblivious to Vyasa.
Ganapati (G): I have a big trunk and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny...
Vyasa (V): Still up to your old antics.
G grins: Hee hee...you caught me there. So are we going to kick some Rakshas butt today?
V: Will we ever! Ready?
G: You know I am.
V: (blank)
Crickets chirping.
G: Anytime today.
V: Alright alright. I see it in my head now. It is all coming together. This will be a story about the eternal struggle between good and evil. It will be a super action dhamaka thriller.
G (throwing punches in the air with his trunk): Action dhamaka! My favorite.
V: All the key elements for a super duper hit will come together. There will be romance, murder, magic and possibly incest.
G: Woah! Incest?!
V: I am an artist ahead of my time G.

G: All I have to say is that Vanar Sena will be pissed. If you publish this they will burn down all the papyrus stores. It is not worth it.
V: Yeah the Vanar Sena. I feel like I am living on a planet of apes.
G: Good movie though.
V: What?
G: Oh it hasn't been made yet.
V: Okaaay! So back to the story. The war between Devas and Asuras had taken a toll on the Devas. Although the carnage was gruesome in both camps, Asuras possessed a weapon that made it impossible for the Devas to get an upper hand. The Asuras had Sukracharya who had obtained a PhD in Sanjivaniology.
G: Sanjivaniology?
V: I just made that word up...pretty cool huh. And with the knowledge of Sanjivaniology, Sukracharya could get people back from the dead. So the Asuras were immortal as long as Sukracharya was with them.
G: So the Devas send an assassin to kill Sukracharya?
V: Even better. The Devas send a handsome beau to woo Sukracharya's daughter Devyani in the hopes of learning Sukracharya's secret. The brave young fellow who takes up this task is called Kacha. G what are you scribbling?
G: I was making a pronunciation key for Kacha so that people don't confuse it with Kacha as in raw?
V: Oh okay. Sukracharya accepts Kacha as a graduate student and as all graduate students do, Kacha ends up running errands for his advisor for the next few years. In a couple of dance sequences Devyani falls in love with Kacha's charming ways. Meanwhile the Asuras get suspicious of Kacha's intentions and decide to take matters in their own hands. The Asuras set out to murder Kacha. On a crisp misty morning when Kacha was out in the fields where Sukracharya's cattle grazed on grass, the Asuras slit Kacha's throat, then skinned him and chopped the body into bite size pieces and then fed those bite sized pieces to the dogs.
G: Good God Vyasa!
V: They are Asuras. You have to make the audience hate them. Besides violence in media is totally acceptable but God forbid you show them a nipple.
G: Hee hee.
V: Anyway so the dogs eat all of Kacha's body. Devyani waits all day for Kacha's return. At nightfall she finally breaks down and pleads with her father to go looking for Kacha. The Asuras cannot keep secrets well and Sukracharya figures out that Kacha is dead. So Sukracharya performs rituals and brings Kacha back from the dead. The Asuras are disappointed with Sukracharya's success and decide to kill Kacha again and dispose of his body in some other way. This time they pound Kacha's body into pulp and then grind it into a paste and dump it in the ocean.
G: I think I am going to be sick.
V: But Sukracharya is so far advanced in Sanjivaniology that he manages to bring Kacha back to life. The Asuras come up with a bolder plan.
G: Third time's a charm I hope to God.
V: This time the Asuras burn Kacha's body to ashes and then mix it in wine which they then serve Sukracharya.
G: This is really sick.
V: Sssh don't break my flow of thought. Devyani pleads with her dad again after she realizes that Kacha is dead and her dad relents to his daughter's incessant pleading. When Sukracharya starts performing the rituals his stomach starts expanding and soon he realizes that Kacha is trapped inside his stomach. At this point Sukracharya tells Devyani that he might have to pay with his life to bring Kacha back from the dead. Devyani cries inconsolably and tells her dad that she could not bear to live without either of them.
G: Wait a minute so when the Asuras feed Kacha's dead body to the dogs what happens to the dogs?
V: Yeah the dogs don't make it.
G (whimpers): The dogs die?
V: Well okay they don't, Sukracharya gets them back to life. Happy?
G: I just don't like doggies dying.
V: Moving on. So now the only way for both Kacha and Sukracharya to survive is teach Kacha Sanjivaniology.
G: Why doesn’t he pass on his secret to Devyani instead?
V: Duh! Devyani is a woman.
G: That is so sexist.
V: Hey I don't make the rules. That’s how society works. So back to the story… Sukracharya shares his guarded secret with Kacha and Kacha then tears open Sukracharya's stomach and crawls out of it surrounded by fountains of blood sprouting every which way from Sukracharya’s body. Kacha now drenched in a blood bath, lies on the ground besides Sukracharya's limp body which resembles a road kill with guts spilled out. Awesomely gruesome!
G: Yeah I don't think I am going to eat dinner tonight.
V: Then Kacha does his first Sanjivaniology experiment and passes with flying colors. It's what we researchers call beginner's luck and needless to say Sukracharya was one lucky bastard. Asuras run out of ideas and stop their murderous ploys. Finally it is graduation day for Kacha and Devyani decides to ask Kacha to marry her. Devyani is horrified to hear Kacha say that technically she is like a sister to him because he was reborn from her father's stomach. So he can't possible marry her because every time they would have sex it would be incest and incest is morally wrong.
G: What no incest?
V: Yeah I figured I had enough violence in the story to appall people. Instigating Vanar Sena will be overkill.
G: Okay I am off now. Your stories are getting too gruesome for my taste.