A close encounter of the lizard kind

Day: Thursday night
Time: 10:30pm
Mood: Tired and urge to pee.

I make my way to the toilet and switch on the light in the bathroom to give myself a heart attack. There is a f*ing lizard in the f*ing toilet bowl. Yes IN the toilet bowl! I panic and my urge to pee doubles. I consider calling the landlord or friends for help but immediately feel like a total nitwit, as I know how late in the night it is (especially because tomorrow is a work day). I decide to take charge of the situation and shudder with disgust. Visions of the lizard crawling all over house after it jumps out of toilet bowl begin to take shape. After 5 minutes of shuddering and wincing I realize that I could simply flush the toilet. But then again there is a strong possibility (in my twisted imagination) of the lizard jumping out on me. I shudder some more as I speculate whether this lizard has special powers like flying. Finally I realize that I have no choice but to face my nemesis. Without damage control the enemy would run amuck in the house leaving me sleepless…or worse leave me no place to release the building pressure in my abdomen if it camps out in the toilet bowl. Stoopid lizard!
With cold sweaty hands somehow I flush the toilet. Triumph quickly turns into dismay as the damn lizard positions itself between water jets and suctions itself to toilet bowl. Score: Lizard 1, me white as a ghost. My heart beats louder with the first blow of defeat. I look for bleach in the closet and cannot find it. God damnit! I resort to my weapon of mass fumigation … RAID! In a previous encounter with a lizard I had discovered that Raid is not lethal to lizards. All I hoped for was that the smell suffocates the lizard and it passes out.
Armed with Raid, I position the spray as best as I could, keeping my body as further away from the bowl as possible. I did not want to be a landing strip for the lizard in the event it attempted an escape. Lizards are notorious for that. They always plan their escape route on the attacker. Shudder. 3-2-1…attack…I spray enough to kill an army of roaches and then some more and then run like hell out of the bathroom in fear of lizard jumping on me. I tip toe back into bathroom to find the lizard’s tail severed from its body and flailing in toilet bowl water. Peeking a little further I see the lizard trying to swim in the water. I quickly hit the flush and down it goes. I flush the toilet 3 times just in case it uses its suction strategy to hang on in my toilet and come out again. I can’t use toilet for the next 2 hours even with a strong urge to pee as the visions of lizard crawling up my butt dissuade me.

I go online to read about pest control and am willing to burn a hole in my pocket to get all the cracks and holes in house sealed and fumigated. To my dismay I discover lizards are not classified as pests. What kind of a sick world do we live in where creepy crawling lizards invade a person’s house and there is nothing that can be done? 2 hours later I finally reach a point where the urge to pee takes over psychoneurosis and I pee in record time with butt hanging in mid-air. Relieved I decide to call it a night. I inspect bedding for lizards. Lie awake in bed. Envision conversation with landlord.
Me: “Lizards bad. Must fumigate house.”
Landlord: “ They are harmless. Don’t worry it won’t bite.”
Me (animated): “Do you think I don’t know that already? It doesn’t have to bite! It crawls and wriggles and breaks tail off body.”
Landlord looks at me like I am a basket case.I lie awake in bed a long time before I sleep out of exhaustion.

The debutant

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and I was fiddling with my PowerShotS2IS again. I had spent the last two months taking photos with this camera without as much as looking at the manual that came with it. My policy has always been to shoot first ask questions later. But then again there were way too many options on the menu that didn’t make any sense and the camera wasn’t doing everything I was asking it to do. Stoopid camera. I am ashamed to admit that I surrendered and decided to read the manual.
But first I needed a subject. There he was glowing like a superstar and I made him an offer he could not refuse. I offered a personalized photo shoot for no charge and he accepted … for the most part because he was a fish.
His name is Mr. Wiggles and he is a spectacular ruby red beta fish. This wasn’t the first time Mr. Wiggles was modeling. Yes, I had made an offer he could not refuse one other time. To describe our first photo shoot in one word ... miserable failure. Okay that’s two words but who is counting? He was grumpy, I refused to read the manual and as a result we ended up with a red blob floating in a bowl. But that’s ancient history.
We began with cautious optimism. I was eagerly poring through the literature while Mr. Wiggles decided to do whatever it is that he does in the fish bowl. I was soon trigger-happy shooting red blurs in water. Wiggles understandably did not share my enthusiasm. But then it happened, the light bounced pristinely over Mr. Wiggles and he swirled in the water like an agile acrobat and I captured it in all its glory. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present my nimble finned debutant, Mr. Wiggles.

Can't get enough of Mr. Wiggles? More photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/crystalblur/

Shaken but not stirred

I had the misfortune of watching a part of Larry King live on CNN where King was interviewing Donald Trump.

I quote the following from the show:

KING: What's Trump vodka?

TRUMP: Well that's a drink that -- and by the way, the profits from that go to various studies on alcoholism and everything else.

(What? You must be shitting me! The interview continues in all seriousness).

TRUMP: But we launched a vodka called Trump vodka, and we're considering it -- and I think it will be the finest vodka anywhere in the world.

A shot of irony straight up.

Animania

Whisper of the heart

My first impression of Japanese animation was of futuristic robots, monsters and dragons. I can’t recollect how I adopted this point of view (Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon perhaps?). I had some glimpses in the anime world through Animatrix and Kill Bill and was very impressed by the animation there but somehow I did not dig any further into the world of Japanese animation. I am ever so grateful to TCM (Turner classic movies) for taking off my blindfold and introducing me to the world of anime. I feel like an explorer who has embarked on a new and exciting journey to a distant world.

Jaded by the land of Disney where I get an assurance of happy endings, anime came as a breath of fresh air. There was no commitment made to happy endings (Grave of fireflies, Princess Mononoke) and sometimes a villain was absent altogether (My neighbor Totoro, Whisper of the heart and Only yesterday). To me this was a much-needed jolt of reality in the world of animation plagued with sickly sweet fairy tales. Moreover anime had dark characters that were not just crazed deviants or purely evil (Princess Mononoke). They had their own aspirations and motivations that drove them to act the way they did.
Miyazaki: "The concept of portraying evil and then destroying it - I know this is considered mainstream, but I think it is rotten. This idea that whenever something evil happens someone particular can be blamed and punished for it, in life and in politics is hopeless."

I have to say that there were a number of things that I did not expect from anime.
1) The diversity in target audience. There was anime that appealed to every age group and demographic. Castles and magical creatures for the little ones, romance for teenagers, science fiction for the nerds and even erotica (hentai) for the pervy ones.
2) I did not expect animation to delve into intense topics as in ‘The grave of the fireflies’, which is a harrowing story of two kids, who are orphaned and victims of war.
3) I never ever expected to get so emotionally tangled with animated characters. I thought that with animation, the disconnect with reality (as in void of real actors) would always keep me aware of the fictitious nature of the medium and that would keep me from having any sort of emotional attachment. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
4) I loved the hand painted animation that these movies stuck with instead of the computer generated sleek images.
5) I was very pleasantly surprised to see such headstrong female protagonists in Miyazaki’s movies since the movies were made in the 80s.
When asked about women in lead role Miyazaki said: “That would be far too complicated and lengthy an answer to state here, so I'll just suffice by saying that it's because I love women very much (laughs).”
6) I also did not expect that I would prefer the subtitled version to the dubbed version of anime. The dubbing by Disney seems to take away the Japanese appeal from the movie. It was surprising how Disney-like Princess Mononoke felt in the dubbed version. I have decided to stick with the subtitled versions if I have the option.

So far I have watched five anime movies. Yes I know I have a lot of catching up to do.

Only Yesterday:
Loved the character detailing and the rich landscapes in the movie. There is a scene in this movie where this little girl is throwing a tantrum, as her family is ready to leave to go to a restaurant. Unintentionally the girl steps out of the house without wearing shoes (but she is wearing socks and is fully clothed). Her father gets very upset about her stepping out of the house and slaps the little girl!
I didn’t know what to make of it. I started wondering what the cultural implications of revealing ones feet were in Japan (especially if you were a woman). I realise that the Japanese have a fetish for small feet but the extreme outburst of the father in this movie makes me wonder why is it considered inappropriate to reveal your (mind you not legs) feet?

Whisper of the heart:
I felt like I was experiencing the city life in Tokyo in person while I watched this movie. The work ethic that comes across in this movie was also very striking and that’s something I have associated with the Japanese culture through whatever little I have seen or read about Japan. This movie has a very romantic premise. With Japanese romantic movies I also noticed that you could cut the sexual tension with a knife (just like in X-files with Mulder and Scully). The movies then typically end with the couple bowing to each other acknowledging their relationship. All I have to say is ... just make out already! But seriously, why the extreme censorship in the physical intimacy when the graphic violence is so over the top?

My neighbor Totoro:
Again the character detailing of the two sisters is simply brilliant. It’s a happy fun movie appealing to all ages and I loved that. The movie does not reveal certain aspects of the story. For instance, throughout the movie the kids are told that their mom is in the hospital because she has a cold. The audience does not find out what disease the mother is suffering from. To me that was very profound. In life, all your questions about the world may not be answered.

Princess Mononoke:
I have to say this movie did not grab my attention as all the other movies did. This movie is probably more appealing to the younger audience (not to say that I am old :p) But then again the violence was so graphic, how could it be a movie for kids? If it is targeted towards kids, I wonder whether the Japanese history has something to do with it. Has their past prompted them to accept violence as a part of life?

Grave of fireflies:
This movie grabbed my heart and wrenched it till I cried. I read somewhere that this movie was played in Japanese theaters back to back with ‘My neighbor Totoro’. I wish I could’ve done that. Without Totoro to cheer me up I was engulfed in a depressive cloud last night. (Note to self: will not subject self to harrowing movies without a neutralizing dose of Totoro like movies at disposal).

I could not resist digging around for more gems of anime. So I did some research and came up with a list of movies that I want to watch:

Kiki’s delivery service
Spirited Away
Ocean waves
Chie the brat
Cowboy Bebop The movie
The dimension traveler
Like the clouds, like the wind
Tokyo Godfather
Ghost in the shell
Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
Vampire Hunter
Gauche the cellist
The cat returns
Perfect blue
Millennium actress
The aurora
Howl’s moving castle
My neighbors the Yamadas

Akira

Eternal Family

Dead Leaves

If you are an anime virgin, I hope that I have made enough ruckus to make you check out some anime. On the other hand if you have been there done that got the t-shirt then do recommend other must watch anime movies and/or I would love to hear your take on any of the movies that I have listed on my ‘to watch’ list.

Arigato gozaimas :)

Totoro

Totoro, Mei and Satsuki


I am currently fascinated by Hayao Miyazaki's movies. Here is a short and sweet introduction to one of his movies.

Movie title: Tonari no Totoro (1988) or My neighbor Totoro

Rated: A for adorable animated adventure

Story: Adventures of two sisters, Mei and Satsuki with the a playful forest spirit called Totoro who rides in a Catbus. I was captivated by the imagination and animation of the movie.

Catbus

{Will blog about Mimi wo sumaseba (Whisper of the heart) when I find some time. Miyazaki wrote the screenplay for this movie.}

The march of the penguins

Readers approach the blog site in the hopes of finding Chaper 7. Instead of Chapter 7, they find Crys standing besides the Madagascar penguins smiling and waving.
Reader (R 1): About time for Chapter 7…what the?
Readers do not look even slightly amused.
Madagascar penguin (MP): Just smile and wave…smile and wave.
Crys (grinning sheepishly): He he.
R 1: Where is G. Bappa? Why are you here with the penguins? You better have a good excuse for not posting Chapter 7.
C: I do. I mean I don’t. It’s not an excuse!
R 1: What is it Crys? You do or you don’t?
R 2: Yeah. What’s going on here? The last time I visited this site, instead of Chapter 7 you came up with a sarcastic WHO blog, which by the way seemed like an over reaction to a couple of harmless comments disliking your blog.
C: Oh no…that wasn’t directed towards those comments.
MP: R 2, looks like you haven’t heard about Blindspotview uncle and his crew who went ape shit over this series under the influence of sanctimonitis. The health advisory had to take some action. Follow the links in the WHO blog to read about efforts of other volunteers fighting sanctimonitis.
R 1: Lets not digress again. We are talking about Chapter 7… alright Crys, out with it.
C: Well…I had my committee meeting this week and I have some good news and some bad news.
R 3: This better not be one of your Kaiko insurance jokes.
C: Very funny. Anyhoo, the good news is that I will be graduating by the end of this summer. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will finally get my PhD and be a doctor…. Dr. Blur …(sigh).
R 4: PhD? You won’t be a real doctor then.
C (aggravated): Not a real doctor did you say?
R 2: There there Crys, don’t listen to them. But seriously, was that the good news?
C: Hey!
R 1: Stop it you guys. I say kudos Crys and good job. You will be a great doctor.
C: Gee thanks R 1.
R 1: You are very welcome dear. Now where is Chapter 7?
C: Hmph! Oh alright, that’s the bad news. I haven’t started working on it. I just have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Uh….why are you all looking at me like that. Are you alright? That vein in your head is really popping out now.
MP: Just smile and wave now.
C: I don’t think it’s going to work.
MP (slaps Crys): Don’t give me excuses give me results.
C: What did you do that for?
C gives MP threatening looks and starts rubbing her sore cheeks.
R 4: So now that you are done with your meeting, should we expect to see the next chapter already?
C: With my dissertation writing and research I can’t be certain. Stay tuned is all I can say. You will surely bear with me while I get my degree right. Hey where are you guys going?
Readers smile and wave.

WHO health advisory

Hello friends. Today we are going to learn about sanctimonitis.

What is sanctimonitis?

Sanctimonitis is a terrible disease afflicting people all over the world. The sufferers of sanctimonitis hallucinate about threats to their cultural well being through infringement of their sacred moral ideals that they themselves arbitrarily define or make up. As a result they try to enforce their myopic ideas of socially acceptable behaviour on everyone around them.

Is sanctimonitis very common?

The official WHO count is not out yet but this disease is found more commonly than you think.

Is sanctimonitis contagious?

Your susceptibility is directly proportional to your body's gullibility index. People who display resistance to fallacious arguments have been shown to be immune to sanctimonitis.

How do you spot a person suffering from sanctimonitis?

You could not spot one until they open their mouth to talk because most of the time they look and behave just like all of us.

Can you catch sanctimonitis before it worsens?

Sanctimonitis if not treated can lead to a full-blown case of fanatic fever. And believe me there is no fun in fanatic. Common symptoms of sanctimonitis include frequent irrational outbursts on innocent bystanders, constant sermons on 'sacred' ideals followed by patronising or abusive recourses to better mankind.

Do we have rehab centers for sanctimonitis sufferers?

Gaurav Sabnis and Great Bong have generously volunteered some time to fight sanctimonitis. Gaurav in his post dissects a severe case of a sanctimonitis sufferer and Great Bong reveals how sanctimonitis has corrupted our society. Thanks both of you for the very excellent posts.

Is there a vaccine that could prevent sanctimonitis?

Scientists are working on this problem but so far there is no vaccine available.

What can I do to help?

Follow the triple A program:

1) Awareness. You could spread awareness about this disease.

2) Acceptance. Encourage sanctimonitis sufferers to accept their disease.

3) Avoidance. Avoid entertaining psycophantic rants doled out by sanctimonitis sufferers. If encouraged, sanctimonitis may worsen.

I dream of a sanctimonitis free world.

Chapter 6: Forest hump

Kunti was a 16-year-old young and restless celebrity socialite. She was always the talk of the town. Her sizzling looks and lavish lifestyle kept her in the public eye. Her foster parents had initiated her into this opulent lifestyle through the frequent banquets that they hosted. With all the parties they hosted they also had frequent houseguests. One of the houseguests was a businessman called Durvasa. He was an enterprising businessman and had come up with the very first dating service at the time. Pleased by the hospitality he received at the stay he left Kunti a little gift.

Durvasa: “I am leaving you with a free trial offer voucher on my new dating service enterprise. Send in the voucher and you will be able to use the service free of charge.”
Kunti: “Aren’t dating services for losers?”
Durvasa: “Trust me, this is the next big thing.”

Kunti’s curiosity got the better of her that evening and she started eyeing the card.
"Tired of wandering around by the river? Want to make some hot new friends? Just send us a pigeon to Sikh of Jack Inhoff and we promise to deliver. Remember, if you don’t get it, you don’t get it."
Kunti decided to try the service and send the pigeon. Before she knew it a dreamy eyed stranger showed up at her door.

Suraj: “Hi, I am Suraj from the dating service.”
Kunti: “Habbahabba…er…I mean …you guys are fast.”
And just like that Kunti was expecting the unexpected.
Mom: "You are expecting? Kunti, how could you be so irresponsible? Who's the father?"
Kunti: "Please don't be upset ma. His name is Suraj...er...or was it Surya?"
Mom: "Aaargh! Now listen to me young lady. There better not be any sex tapes floating around or you will be in big trouble."
Dad: "Calm down honey, I am sure it was the guys fault. Why would our sweet pumpkin do something like this?"
Kunti makes a puppy face and Dad hugs Kunti.

Mom: "Okay this time it has gone too far. Kunti needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions. It's not just about Kunti anymore...we have to think about the baby's future. We need to get Kunti married."
Kunti: "But Maaa, I am not ready to get married yet."
Mom: "When I need your opinion, I will give it to you."
Kunti: "Dad...do something."
Mom shoots a 'don't even think about it ' look.
Dad: "Sorry sweetie, I think your mother is right."
Mom: "Alright, tell me everything that happened."

Kunti narrates the story as her parents listen intently with occasional outbursts of 'I am going to kill that S.O.B.' by Dad. After some thought Mom comes up with a plan. The following night Kunti is secretly escorted out of the kingdom. Under the cover of the dark, Kunti makes her way to Durvasa's house.

Kunti: "Hello Durvasa uncle. I am pleased to announce that I am preggo and you will be taking care of all the delivery expenses as promised."
Durvasa (astounded): "As promised?"
Kunti brings attention to Durvasa's business card logo 'we promise to deliver'.
Durvasa: "My publicist is going to pay for this. That moron."

After nine months, Kunti was in the delivery room yelling in pain that she would never ever do it again. Six hours later she was the mother of a beautiful baby boy. Durvasa promptly pulled out of further financial responsibilities. Kunti was now eager to go home and get back to her parties but with the little baby and no money of her own to pay the bills, she realized she had a tough choice to make: parties or being a single mom. She quickly put up her child for adoption. The adoption agency informed her that the child was adopted by a childless couple in the chariot business and that the baby was named Karna. Relieved, Kunti returned home, eagerly looking forward to the high life.

(Ganapati: I object to such character assassination of women.
Vyasa: Overruled).

Mom: "There there little one. Everything will be okay."
Kunti: "Ma, I don't know what I would do without you."
Mom: "Don't worry Kunti, I have it all figured out. We have to get you a reconstructive surgery, get you back to the gym and lose all the pounds you have packed and then my dear you will be married off and live happily ever after."
Kunti: "But mom I don't want to get married. And I don't want to go to the gym."
Dad: "Dear lets not be hasty. Lets give her some time."
Mom: "I've had it with both of you. My word is final. Now let me schedule the surgery."
Dad: "What did my poor pumpkin ever do to deserve this?"
Kunti: "Can you not call me pumpkin? I gave birth to a child last week."
Dad: "Alright sugarplum, I won't call you pumpkin."

Soon it was time to get Kunti married off. On the day of the Swayamwara there was a line of suitors waiting for Kunti's verdict. Kunti noted Pandu’s presence at the Swayamwara. He was the King of Hastinapur as his elder brother Dhritarashtra was blind.

(Ganapati: That is a complete exploitation of Dhritarashtra’s disability.
Vyasa: If you really want to know what’s exploitation try going to grad school.)

Kunti’s attraction to fair skin made Pandu the clear winner in her eyes. She felt a sense of fulfillment to be so close to her happily ever after. Little did Kunti know that Murphy's law was going to strike with a vengeance. Kunti and Pandu were childless for more than a year now and Pandu kept blaming Kunti for the impotency. Tired of the finger pointing she suggested that he marry another woman to solve this problem.

(Ganapati: So is there some sort of a hereditary impotency problem going on in this dynasty?
Vyasa: What's hereditary?
Ganapati: Never mind.)

Pandu promptly married Madri and went on a honeymoon with her to the hottest honeymoon resort in a secluded jungle. Pandu wanted to impress Madri so he decided to take her along on a hunting trip. To his delight five minutes into the hunt he spotted two deer behind the bushes just ten paces away from them. Pandu latched his arrow onto the target and shot the arrow that swiftly pierced his target. A loud yowl arose from the bush, "Whoever shot this arrow is dead meat!"
Pandu: "A talking deer?"

A man and a woman dressed like deer appeared from behind the bushes.
Madri: "It's just some honeymooners role playing."
Pandu: "Role playing?"
Madri: "Yeah it’s the latest thing to spice it up when things get a little boring."
The deerman looked very angry with an arrow sticking out of his butt.
Deerman: "What the hell do you think you were doing you moron?"
Pandu: "Who are you calling a moron? You were the one taking a forest hump in that ridiculous costume. How was I to know?"
Deerwoman (whispers in Deerman's ears): "He looks like one of those rich snobs who think they can get away with anything with money."

Pandu decides to go for a settlement with the Deerman.
Pandu: "You know what? It was an honest mistake.Let me take care of your medical bills and we call it even. How about that?"
Deerwoman: "See...he is trying to get away by throwing some money at us."
Deerman: "Curse you albinoman! You will die of performance anxiety."
Then the deerman and deerwoman left in a fit of anger.
Pandu and Madri tried to forget the incident and go on with their honeymoon. Pandu being superstitious did not want to take the risk of dying by performance anxiety. Just like his uncle Bhishma, he took a vow of celibacy.

Satyavati: “I am beginning to worry. Pandu is the King. His wives need to bear children”.
Bhishma: “You are talking to the man who has been there, never done it and got the robe. He won’t last a week with the vow.”
Satyavati: “If you say so.”
Months passed by and Hastinapur was still left with no heirs.
(Ganapati: Wait a minute…what about Dhritarashtra?
Vyasa: Gripping story isn’t it?
Ganapati: Yeah the suspense of Dhritarashtra’s fertility status is killing me.
Vyasa: Are you always this sarcastic?
Ganapati: As a matter of fact I am never sarcastic. I am guessing it is a side effect of having a constant pain in the trunk.
Vyasa rolls his eyes.)

Dhritarashtra decides to approach Bhishma and plead for a bride.
Dhritarashtra: “Bhishma uncle, if there is anyone in the world who can help me get a wife…its you. I hadn’t realized it until I heard about an article in Hastinapur Times that ranked you as the best matchmaker in the history of Hastinapur.”
Bhishma: “Oh the irony. Always the best man never the groom. Did I top the hottest bachelor list as well?”
Dhritarashtra (cracking up): “I always loved your sense of humour. Oh…you were serious.”
Bhishma: “Alright…I will see what I can do.”
Sure enough Bhishma hooked up Dhritarashtra with his friend Shakuni’s sister Gandhari.
Bhishma: “Go me!”
Gandhari: “As a devoted wife, I don’t wish to enjoy the beautiful visions around me if my husband is incapable of sight. From now on I will wear a blindfold and volunteer myself to blindness.”

(Ganapati: What? That’s ridiculous. What’s next? Hop around on one foot if the husband was a cripple?
Vyasa: Whoever said that all the characters in the story are the brightest people on the planet?
Ganapati: Oh alright.)

Pandu was still adamant about the celibacy vow and Hastinapur was still in need of an heir. Satyavati and Bhishma called for a family gathering with Ambika, Ambalika, Pandu and his wives to figure out a way to propagate the family name.
Bhishma: "Let's get this over with as quickly and painlessly as we can."
Satyavati: "Vyasa is always available."
Ambika and Ambalika wildly gesture against the idea behind Satyavati's back.

(Vyasa:"Hey! I didn't ask you to write that."
Ganapati:"Oh alright I will scratch it out."
Ganapati pretends to scratch the sentence off the script.)
 
Bhishma: "Alright. That was easy."
Kunti: "Wait! I have heard of this dating service. Maybe we could give it a shot."
Madri: "Isn't dating service for losers?"
Kunti: "Why would you say such a horrible thing? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find someone nowadays?"
Madri: "Alright alright. Why are you being so touchy?"
Bhishma: "Well, what do you think Pandu?"
Pandu: "Does it really matter?"
Satyavati: "Let's not have an emotional breakdown now Pandu. Kunti, can you pass on the details of the dating service to me?"
Bhishma looks at Satyavati suspiciously.
Satyavati: "What? Its not for me."
Kunti: "Don't worry. I will take care of it."
Kunti immediately sends a pigeon to Durvasa.

Durvasa: "Aha! Payback time. Let the fleecing begin." Durvasa decided to overcharge heavily. He got them hooked on a sham 'buy one get two half off' deal.
Madri: “I’m pregnant.”
Kunti: “Join the club.”
Gandhari: “I’m pregnant too.”
Dhritarashtra: “I rock”
Pandu: ‘Sulk’
Madri gave birth to twins named Nakula and Sahadeva, the sons of Ashwini twins. Kunti on the other hand went crazy with the deals and ended up having three sons, Yudhishtira the son of Yama, Bhima the son of Pavan and Arjuna the son of Indra.

(Ganapati: This is getting to be quite a sex fest. Isn't this a little too much sex for a book that you intend to sell as mythology?
Vyasa: It's in my publishing contract. They said sex sells so I better add lots of it.
Ganapati: Ah! No arguing that.)

Gandhari had the longest pregnancy in the history of Hastinapur. It lasted for 2 years during which Gandhari got increasingly frustrated. At the end of the pregnancy she gave birth to a ball of flesh.

(Ganapati: “Here is a question for you. Since you explained earlier that Pandu’s skin color and Dhritarashtra’s disability was related to the mother's facial expression during conception, how do you explain Gandhari’s delivery situation.”
Vyasa: Artistic liberties.)

Satyavati invited Vyasa to figure out a solution for this unnatural delivery. Vyasa divided the mass of flesh into 101 parts and put them in jars filled with butter. After two years, 100 boys (Kauravas) and one girl arose from the jars. Duryodhan was the first child to be born from the jar followed by Dushyasan.

(Ganapati: Followed by Kaurava 3, Kaurava 4…Kauarava 100.
Vyasa shakes his head.)

Dushala was the only girl to be born.
Gandhari: “Thank god for the nannies.”
Meanwhile, Pandu's patience grew thin with the celibate lifestyle. He finally decided to screw the vow in an intimate moment with Madri. Some say Pandu died of a heart attack, others say it was performance anxiety.
And just like that, Dhritarashtra became the first blind King of Hastinapur.

(To be continued...)

FAQ - CCSL

Answers to some burning questions

Q. What is CCSL?
A. CCSL = Contextual Contemporarization of Sacred Lore. As a devout Hindu I felt it was my moral duty to popularize my rich culture and tradition. When I read the Mahabharata I quickly realised that Vyasa had much more to offer than the drab G-rated story offered on tele-series. I therefore took it upon myself to rekindle the rich traditions and morals expounded in such a well crafted and tantalizing way. Ladies and gentlemen I present "CCSL". I should admit that I have toned down the sexual explicitness here, but the original is always available. This is an effort to bring the original Mahabharata back to the bookshelves. Jai Hind. Jai Maharashtra.

Q. What is your resource for this series?
A. I refer to Mahabharata by C. Rajagopalachari as one of the main references. I brought this book back with me from my recent trip to India and as I read it I realised that this was a great spoof opportunity so I grabbed it. You can read this book in its entirety at Mahabharata . Other references come from online resources.

Q. Is the plot for your series identical to the original?
A. I use the original plot extensively but sometimes I make changes for the sake of humor or just creative liberties. For example, in this series Chitrangada is the younger brother while in the original he is the older brother. Another example is Amba gets a business card instead of a garland.

Q. Are there any other mythology series that you have written?
A. Yes. The Rishyasringa series which is also part of the Mahabharata in the book. This was my first jab at spoofing. Please refer to the sidebar for links.

Q. Can I link your post on my website?
A. Sure. Blogroll me, link me…all that jazz. The more the merrier. Please don't copy the entire blog and repost it elsewhere. Thanks.

Q. Have you read the Great Indian Novel by Shashi Tharoor?
A. No, I haven’t had the chance yet. I intend to read it as soon as I am done with this series because it has been highly recommended by readers and friends.

Chapter 5: The very secret diary of Amba

Princess Amba's diary

Day 1: I can’t believe Ambika and Ambalika are not getting cold feet for the swayamvara. How can they not worry about getting hitched to the blind date that wins at some stupid skill game that your father comes up with?
Day 2: Thinking of breaking up with Salva. I am tired of his commitment phobia.
Day 4: The palace is packed with stud muffins. I am having increasing second thoughts about Salva.
Day 5: I can’t believe that the 60-year-old virgin has decided to show up. He probably realized its better to be laid than never.
Day 6: My sisters and I have been kidnapped by the pervy virgin. Virgin….ha! He is always staring at Ambalika’s boobs.
Day 7: I cannot believe that Salva got his ass kicked by this old man. I don’t know which is better…an old fart or a young coward.
Day 8: Ambika has been motion sick. Friggin chariot ride is getting to me too.
Day 9: Reached pervy’s hometown…stupid Hastinapur. I thought being kidnapped was going to be the worst part of the ordeal. Turns out I will be Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day 10: I can’t take this anymore. All my sisters care about are the wedding plans. I am missing Salva’s hot bod. So what if he got his ass kicked? Atleast he tried to rescue me. I am going to take it up with the virgin and go back to Salva.
Day 11: I can’t believe Vichitra agreed to let me go that quickly. Am I not good enough for him? Maybe Ambalika was right about the boob job.
Day 12: On my way to Salva’s kingdom. At last I will be united with my hunkadelic heartthrob.
Day 13: Salva downright rejected me. That punk! I am going to interview with the Hastinapur times and tell them he is lame in the sack. How dare he?
Day 14: Going back to stupid Hastinapur. I hate the goddamn chariot ride.
Day 15: Can’t believe I am actually going to become Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day16: What is going on? Vichitra had the nerve to reject my proposal? When was the last time he was proposed to by a woman? I mean really…are big boobs that important?
Day 17: Lo and behold the masterplan. It’s the most logical thing to do. I can dethrone Salva and Vichitra in one move. I am going to marry the virgin. I will then convince him to defeat Salva and take his kingdom and then our kids can be the rightful heirs of Hastinapur. Cheque and mate baby.
Day 18: Un-fucking-believable! I have officially reached the lowest low. The virgin has rejected me. My master plan fell flat on its face. Three rejections in a row…I am going to need some serious therapy.
Day 19: I am wandering around in the jungle aimlessly. Have discovered some interesting mushrooms.
Day 384: Got a pigeon declaring that both my sisters are knocked up. Great!
Day 386: Met a defense attorney…Mr. Parsuram. He thought I have a great shot at a lawsuit. I have decided to sue the virgin’s ass. Hired Parsuram as my defense lawyer.
Day 387: The court trial begins.
Day 624: Got a pigeon declaring my sisters delivered. Still waiting for the goddamn jury selection to begin.
Day 728: Jury selection begins.
Day 740: We have charged the virgin with one count of kidnapping and 3 counts of mental torture. Parsuram kicked some serious ass in the court today.
Day 743: Virgin and his lawyer were such cocky bastards. His lawyer did not give a defense argument. His only words were, “Bhishma is not guilty.” I can’t wait to take my victory lap.
Day 744: My heart skipped a beat when the jury gave its verdict. They thought it was an open and shut case. On account of being a man, Bhishma was found not guilty on all charges. What’s more….they asked me to stop my belligerent behavior and fined me 100 gold bricks to compensate Bhishma for the legal fees.” Stupid Parsuram. Now I am bankrupt.
Day 750: I am hungry, horny and broke. Screw the legal bureaucracy. I am hiring an assassin for a Bhishma free world.
Day 780: They say the 6-faced Subrahmanya is the man to meet. From the name I am guessing he is a master of disguise.
Day 785: Turns out 6-faced is not a master of disguise after all. He just had 6 plastic surgeries. Could not afford him. He took pity on me and gave me his business card. He said if I recruit someone to his company he would seal the deal with me.
Day 820: It turns out I am no good at getting men to do anything for me. Ambalika was right about the boob job. I am going to plea King Drupada as a last resort. If this doesn’t work I am officially giving up.
Day 840: Where have all the real men gone? I stuck 6-faced’s business card on Drupada’s door to remind him what a coward he is. I changed the address on the card to a location where I will bury this diary. If you are reading this diary I hope you are the champion that I spend my life looking for. I have failed to take my revenge and have become a mushroom addict.
Day 842: Blue yellow red bubbles floating everywhere. Adjfnioa. Adnfdhfi.
Day 890: Mushrooms…adfnasdoif…..
Day 913: Got arrested trying to sell mushrooms.
Day 920: Can’t take this anymore. I have decided to end my miserable life. Good-bye cruel world.

(This chapter was tailored to the writing style of the hilarious VSD series authored by Cassandra Claire. To read the VSD series go here )

(To be continued...)

FAQ - CCSL

Chapter 4: Meet the Focker

Vichitravirya’s honeymoon did not go very smoothly. It felt like a horrible day of playing golf. There were one too many holes to go and the equipment was malfunctioning. Ambika consoled him, “Just look at it this way honey. It can only get better.” To their dismay, it got worse. It turned out that Vichitravirya was firing blanks. Some say he died of performance anxiety. Others say, “Who cares?”
Satyavati was now in a fix. With the tragic events in the family Bhishma was the King again. Satyavati was concerned about the inheritance of the throne. She approached Bhishma about the matter.
Satyavati: “I am not happy with the way things are shaping out. I want my grandson to be the rightful owner of the throne.”
Bhishma: “Er…there is just one problem with that. You don’t have a grandson.”
Satyavati: “Stop being a smartass. I am aware of that and I have a fix. I am expecting a visitor.”
Bhishma: “What the…oh my… are you pregnant? Who is he? I am going to kick his ass.”
Satyavati: “Calm down. I am not pregnant. But there is something you need to know. Why don’t you sit down and have a glass of water first?”
Bhishma: “Oh come on. I think I can handle it.”
Satyavati: “Alright. This happened before I met your father. I was by the riverside, you know doing my own thing and out of nowhere I met this hot young man.”
(Ganapati: “What’s up with all these hook ups by the riverside?”
Vyasa: “There weren’t any clubs yet.”)
Satyavati: “He was the most kind and generous man I ever met. Did I mention he looked hot? (Sigh!) Anyway, he was always buying me stuff from Chandramukhi’s secret like perfumes and red lacy…”
Bhishma: “Good God woman! Please spare me the details. Just stick to the highlights.”
Satyavati: “Oh alright. Long story short we made out and I had a son.”
Bhishma: “What? I mean WHAT?”
Satyavati: “Here we go…take long deep breaths….”
Bhishma (sitting down): “Woah woah woah. You weren’t a virgin when you married my father? Dad was fine with that?”
Satyavati: “Don’t be silly. Your Dad didn’t know.”
Bhishma: “But that’s impossible. I know my Dad was not the smartest cookie. But even I would’ve caught that you weren’t a virgin and I have never even done it.”
Satyavati: “Obviously you haven’t heard about reconstructive surgery. I had one.”
Bhishma: “Good lord! I think I’ll have the water now.”
Satyavati: “Do you want me to continue or do you need some recovery time?”
Bhishma: “I may regret this but carry on. Where is this son?”
Satyavati: “His name is Veda Vyasa. He is a brilliant man and would be happy to offer his services if needed. Frankly I don’t see any other alternative.”
(Ganapati: Ahem!
Vyasa: What?
Ganapati: You are telling me that this part of the story has nothing to do with the conversation we had yesterday about your virginity?
Vyasa: Ofcourse not! And for the last time I am NOT a virgin.
Ganapati: Okaaaay. Then tell me about this Vyasa character, does he get to sleep around?
Vyasa: This is my book and my story!
Ganapati grins widely.)
Bhishma: “Alright I guess. It’s worth a shot.”
Satyavati: “If he is anything like his father, trust me this will work.”
Bhishma: “Will you stop with the unnecessary details already?”
Vyasa rushes to Hastinapur as soon as he receives Satyavati’s pigeon mail. As the first order of things to do, Satyavati introduces her son to her daughters-in-law.
Satyavati: “Girls this is my son Vyasa. You can thank me later.”
Vyasa: “Hello ladies. I have a big package for you. (Wink wink).”
Sisters: Groan.
That night Vyasa shows up in the sisters’ room wearing a robe that says, ‘the man (up arrow) the legend (down arrow)’. Vyasa made the best of the opportunity he had in Hastinapur before heading back to the forest. In his stay, he had threesomes with the sisters and also got jiggy with a maid on the side. And just like that Ambika, Ambalika and the maid became pregnant.
Vyasa: Go me!
After two months of morning sickness, 20 pounds in weight gain, nine months of extreme uncomfort and 12 hours of excruciating pain, Ambalika and Ambika eagerly wait in the delivery room to hold their babies for the first time.
Satyavati: “Girls, I have some good news for you and some bad news for you.”
Ambika: “Let’s get over with the bad news.”
Satyavati: “Ambika your son is blind. The only reasonable explanation for this is that you closed your eyes when you conceived him. Ambalika, your son is an albino. Let me guess, you turned pale with fear when you conceived him?”
Sisters grin sheepishly.
Ambalika: “Well… so what’s the good news?”
Satyavati: “I saved a bunch of money on my chariot insurance by switching to Kaayko.”
Sisters: Groan.
No points for guessing which kid was named Pandu (whitey). The blind baby was named Dhritarashtra. The maid gave birth to a healthy baby boy as a result of not contorting her face in any manner and named him Vidura.
(Ganapati: May I say that your knowledge of biology is pretty screwed up.
Vyasa: I have a feeling that this is going to be a painfully long ordeal.)

(To be continued...)

FAQ CCSL

Chapter 3: Bride and prejudice

Satyavati had put a ban on Santanu’s walks by the riverside. Some say he died of frustration, others say he died of old age. Chitrangada and Vichitravirya…

(Ganapati: Here on known as Ranga and Vichu.
Vyasa: Can’t you do a find and replace?
Ganapati: Can’t you choose smaller names?
Vyasa: Please write the name in its entirety. It’s really important for the storyline.
Ganapati raising his trunk: Fine!
Vyasa: I saw that. Don’t you give me the trunk!)

Vichitravirya and Chitrangada were too young to inherit the throne, so Bhishma took up the responsibility and became the interim King. Soon the two boys grew into testosterone driven horny young men. Chitrangada’s life took an unexpected turn when a Gandharva, who coincidentally was also named Chitrangada, challenged him to a battle. The Gandharva despised the fact that a mere mortal was also called Chitrangada. He decided the only way to settle this was with a battle. The winner gets to keep the name.

The battle lasted three years and ended in Satyavati’s son’s death.
Bhishma disclosed the sad news to Satyavati, “Your son is dead and you are to be blamed.”
Satyavati, “How could you say that?”
Bhishma, “Let me just put it this way, the boy I named is not dead.”

And just like that Vichitravirya became the King of Hastinapur. Vichitravirya seemed very disinterested in the Hastinapur politics and had started going for walks by the riverside to clear his mind. Bhishma realized that if he didn’t act soon, Vichitravirya was going to start using his cheesy pick up lines. Bhishma asked Satyavati to keep a close eye on Vichitrvirya while he would go check out the three sisters in Kasi who were of marriageable age.

Bhishma traveled to Kasi and found himself amongst many young suitors who had traveled great distances to meet the three sisters. Apparently the three sisters (Amba, Ambika and Ambalika) were pretty hot. Bhishma’s excitement soon turned into rage when he heard nasty remarks about his presence.
Man 1: “Who is that old man?”
Man 2: “That’s Bhishma. He claims to be a virgin.”
Man 1: “Virgin? Bah! Its all a publicity stunt.”
Man 3: “I’ve heard he is gay.”
Bhishma was enraged: “Listen you no good gossipmongers. There is no shame in being a virgin and I am not gay!”

(Ganapati: Do I sense some personal anguish here?
Vyasa: That’s ridiculous! I am very popular. Girls love my six-pack. May I add that it wouldn’t hurt you to go to the gym? Look at that tummy.
Ganapati: So a virgin huh?)

Bhishma announced: “I challenge everybody here. If you are man enough, stop me from taking these three sisters to Hastinapur”.
Most people were too stunned to react to this daylight abduction or they were just plain chicken. There was only one man who accepted the challenge. His name was King Salva and he was the secret lover of Amba. Unfortunately for Amba, her knight in shining armor did not pull through and was defeated by Bhishma. Amba was taken to Hastinapur along with her sisters.

Vichitravirya’s joy knew no bounds. He was drowned in visions of foursomes. This was the first royal wedding that was about to take place in a palace instead of some riverbank. Hastinapur went all out in preparing for the royal wedding. On the day of the wedding Amba decided to speak her mind to Bhishma.
Amba: “I know you are super excited about the wedding and all but I need to say this. I love somebody else. I love Salva.”
Bhishma: “That loser?”
Amba: “Atleast he came there in person to win me over.”
Bhishma: “I will talk this over with Vichitravirya.”

Amba waits for the verdict as Bhishma goes into Vichitravirya’s room. After a momentary silence Vichitravirya says, “I can deal with that. I am okay with threesomes. Amba can go marry Salva.”
And just like that Vichitravirya married Ambika and Ambalika. Meanwhile Amba set out on a journey to meet King Salva. After a long hard journey she finally arrived at the palace of King Salva.
Amba: “Honey I am home.”
Salva: “What are you doing here?”
Amba: “I convinced Bhishma to let me marry you. So here I am.”
Salva: “I can’t marry you. I am already known as the loser who got his ass kicked by a 60-year-old virgin. Please don’t make it worse. Go back to Hastinapur.”
Amba furiously: “Well I hope you can live with the ‘lame in the sack’ title, cause I will be interviewing with Hastinapur Times as soon as I get there.”

Amba went back to Hastinapur.
Amba: “Viru darling, I am back.”
Vichitravirya: “I am sorry dear, besides three is mind-blowing and four would probably kill me.”
Amba curses: “Bleeeeeep.” Walks over to Bhishma’s room.
Amba: “Bhishma baby, come on, we all know about the cold showers you take. How about we get married? You go kick Salva’s ass once more and take over his kingdom. We can live happily ever after.”
Bhishma: “I am sorry but you are not my type.”

Amba could not bear the triple rejection. Overcome by fury she cursed: “Bhishma you call yourself a virgin when you just screwed me over? I vow to return the favor by screwing your happiness too.”
And just like that Amba enrolled for weapons training in a military camp.

(To be continued...)

FAQ CCSL

Chapter 2: Indecent proposal

Santanu did the best he could to raise his son. Like every rich parent, he expressed his love to his son by buying expensive gifts. Devavrata…
(Ganapati: Here on referred to as Deva, since it’s a pain in the trunk to write the entire friggin’ name EVERY single time. Why can’t you ever come up with smaller names?
Vyasa: Are you done whining?)
Deva…
(Vyasa: Grrr. Alright fine! Just write.
Ganapati grins widely.)

Deva recently had his sixteenth birthday and this year his father bought him the fastest, sleekest and flashiest chariot with gold rims and everything. Deva did not care too much for the gifts. All he wished for was a little personal time with his dad. Everybody knows that killing some animals is the best way for a father to bond with his son. A fishing trip was definitely in order. After all, his dad would go by the river every day, but not once would he ask Deva to accompany him.

Santanu was completely unaware of Deva’s frustrations. Santanu was lost in his own world. He would not admit to loneliness but the truth was he was desperately missing Ganga. He reminisced about the coincidence that bought them together. In Santanu’s words, “Her name was Ganga and I met her by the shores of the river Ganga. They were both called Ganga! I mean what are the chances of that happening?”

That fateful evening, Santanu decided to go walk by the river Yamuna instead of Ganga. As he sauntered by the river he came across a beautiful maiden. All the blood in Santanu’s body quickly rushed to one strategic location and he found himself using his cheesy pick up lines. As Santanu approached her, he was captured by her mesmerizing smell, “You smell like heaven.”
“Wow, how did you guess that I am wearing ‘Heaven’ from the new line of perfumes from Chandramukhi’s secret?” asked Satyavati.
“I have two questions for you, what is your name o heavenly fragrant woman? Will you marry me?
(Ganapati: Okay this time he deserves it.)

Satyavati was a little more conservative than Ganga. She asked him to request her father for her hand in marriage. Clearly not thinking from waist above, Santanu decided to approach her father with the proposal.
Father, “I will accept your proposal on one condition, you must promise that a son borne by Satyavati will inherit the throne.”
Santanu gave it some thought and saw visions of alimony pony. After some consideration he said, “As long as Satyavati signs a pre-nup I accept.”
“Hmm…alright,” said the father, “Do you want to ask any questions to my daughter?”
Santanu looked at Satyavati and said, “Are those real?”
And just like that they got married.

Deva ofcourse got the raw deal here. He could not believe his father abolished his right to the throne over the prospect of marrying a stranger. Quite unexpectedly Deva’s anguish was subdued by Satyavati’s loving nature. He felt like she was the mother he yearned for throughout his childhood. And boy did she smell great. He assured Satyavati that the throne held no interest to him and her son would inherit the throne. But Satyavati’s father was not convinced of this and he would incessantly talk about this with his daughter. Deva took it upon himself to assure Satyavati’s father.

Father, “I trust you to sacrifice your right to the throne. But I am afraid that your children may feel differently.”
Deva was now in a dilemma. The only thing that would appease Satyavati’s father was a vow of celibacy. Should Deva sacrifice his right to get laid, for a father who had chosen to get laid with a stranger over his son?
(Ganapati: Vyasa, don’t you think the drama is a little too much here?
Vyasa: No.)
Deva decided to make the sacrifice. He took the ‘Bhishma pratigya’ or ‘I will never get laid’ vow. From then on Deva was called ‘Bhishma.’
(Vyasa: Don’t even think about it. Bhishma is short enough.)

Satyavati could not believe the sacrifice Bhishma had made. As a token of gratitude she asked Bhishma to name her children. Bhishma took his sweet revenge and named her first son Vichitravirya (vichitra=weird, virya=semen). She decided to name the second son herself. Her second child was called Chitrangada.
(Ganapati: You are picking long names on purpose. I am going to start charging you per alphabet.
Vyasa: Whine whine whine.)

(To be continued...)

FAQ CCSL

Chapter 1: The 60 year old virgin

King Santanu was a great admirer of beauty. Yes he had a fetish for pretty women. Despite the cheesy pick up lines he was quite the ladies man. That’s right, size does matter. He drove the ladies wild with his oh so huge bank account.
( Vyasa: Mind out of the gutter please Ganpati and continue writing.)
One day he was passing by the river when he met a well-endowed woman in a scantily clad outfit. Santanu could not stop checking her out and she seemed to enjoy the attention. So Santanu decided to approach her. Overcome by sensations that will not be described here, Santanu said, “I have two questions for you, what is your name o well-endowed woman and will you marry me?”
“I have four words for you,” Ganga said, “show me the money”. King Santanu offered a gaudy diamond ring as a token of his lust and flashy lifestyle. Impressed but not yet convinced Ganga made a list of demands, “I will marry you on the following conditions. I refuse to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. You shall not ask me any questions about my past, where I go or what I do. You have to give me compliments every day. If you don’t fulfill any of these conditions a divorce will follow. Will you please look at my face when I am talking with you?”
Santanu: “Are those real?”
And just like that Santanu and Ganga got married. The honeymoon was spectacular. Two days into the honeymoon Ganga made a shocking announcement, “Santa honey, I am pregnant.” Santanu, “What? I knew I was good but man, I sure outdid myself this time.” After nine long months Ganga gave birth to a little boy. Santanu was ecstatic, “Ganga this is the happiest day of my life. In fact I think I want more children. I want a whole gilli danda team.” But Santanu’s joy was short lived as Ganga made another shocking announcement, “Santa poodle, our baby is dead.”
(Ganapati: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the sex and violence.)
What followed was a roller coaster of emotions for Santanu. The death of his first child was followed by six more pregnancies and all of these babies died the day they were born. Santanu’s fairy tale marriage had turned into a nightmare. He realized he was married to a serial killer. It took seven baby killings and five years before Santanu decided to ask Ganga to stop the madness.
(Ganapati: Seven babies and five years?
Vyasa: What? She had triplets once.)
Santanu: “Honey I know you are a serial killer and all, but I am not getting any younger, can we atleast keep one?”
Ganga: “Good Lord I thought you’d never ask. But by asking this question you have broken the promise you made me before I accepted your proposal. My lawyers will contact you for the settlements. As you know by now, I am not much of a mother figure, so I am more than happy to let you keep the baby.”
Santanu then uttered the wisest words he had for as long as he could remember, “Never again will I marry without a pre-nup.”
A nasty divorce followed and Ganga rode off into the sunset on the alimony pony.
And just like that Santanu became a single dad of the little baby boy he named Devavrata. Rumors have it that it was Santanu’s wild parties that scarred the little boy for life. Others say it was the mom’s serial killing that led to what Devavrata grew up to be — a sixty year old virgin.

(To be continued...)

FAQ CCSL

Vyasa's dissertation

Vyasa did his graduate studies on fictional literature and it was time he did what he had procrastinated for as long as he could. He had to write the dissertation. It was going to be long and detailed with three key elements romance, action and a happy ending. Soon the complicated plot was brewing in Vyasa’s head and he finally wrote the first draft. Vyasa realized he could get a great publication out of this and decided to contact some publishers.
He tried his luck with the most famous publisher at the time, Brahma. Brahma listened to the plot.
Brahma: “The plot is okay. But considering you don’t have any prior publications it would be a great risk on the publishing company’s part.”
Vyasa: “I am willing to do this free of charge. All I want is my dissertation read. I want my work to reach out to people. You know...the publish or perish rule. I don’t care for money. I wouldn’t be going to graduate school otherwise you know.”
Brahma: “Okay but you still haven't written the book. I can’t make any promises without looking at the final version.”
Vyasa: “Well that’s another problem. My advisor wants me to work on all these other projects and I can’t find time to write the book. I was hoping that you can provide someone to write the book for me as I narrate it.”
Brahma: “I generally don’t do this but the booty squad in your draft has intrigued me. So here is a number of somebody who owes me a favor. His name is Ganapati. He may be a little difficult to work with but that’s all I can offer.”
Vyasa: “He couldn’t be worse than my advisor. I will come by when the book is done.”

Vyasa calls Ganapati.
Ganapati: “Hello?”
Vyasa: “Hello this is Vyasa. I am looking for somebody to write a book for me. Brahma said you would be willing to help me out?”
Ganapati: “That depends on what your book is about.”
Vyasa: “The two main pillars of the book are sex and violence.”
Ganapati: “So when do we start?”

And so it came to pass, the great epic called Mahabharata.

(To be continued...)

FAQ CCSL

My first day in kindergarden (Rated PG 13 for violence)

I am four and life is changing fast and I am very confused. The first day to nursery school was such a shock for me. I don’t like it too much. I am stuck with some 20 cranky kids who are mostly yelling and crying. I decided something terrible is about to happen to all of us so began crying loudly as well. Who are these people? Why am I here? What do they want? I feel like I am in some sort of boot camp because of all the violence we are subjected to. What you are about to read is something no child should have to go through. This is what we were taught in nursery school.

Piggy On The Railway
Piggy on the railway,

Picking up stones,

Along came an engine

And broke poor Piggy's bones.

"Oh" said Piggy,

"That's not fair"

"Oh" said the Engine,

"I don't care"

I felt bad for the piggy but maybe I shouldn’t. Like the wise engine driver said, if you see someone stupid enough to walk on the railway tracks, they deserve to get run over and I should not care.

The Lion and the Unicorn
The Lion and the Unicorn

Were fighting for the crown;

The Lion beat the Unicorn

All about the town.

Some gave them white bread

And some gave them brown;

Some gave them plum cake

And drummed them out of town!

I guess I should beat the crap out of the neighboring kid for his action figure and I might get some plum cake in the process.

I Love Little Pussy
I love little pussy,

Her coat is so warm.

And if I don't hurt her,

She'll do me no harm.

So I'll not pull her tail,

Nor drive her away.

But pussy and I,

Very gently will play.

My teacher seemed to enjoy this one a little too much, wonder why?

Kookaburra
Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree.

Merry, merry king of the bush is he.

Laugh, Kookaburra,

Laugh, Kookaburra,

Gay your life must be.

I told Uncle Mishra that he is gay.

Little Bo Peep
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep

And can't tell where to find them.

Leave them alone, And they'll come home,

Wagging their tails behind them.

Does that mean no one will look for me if I get lost? I feel cold and alone.

To Market, to Market
To market, to market to buy a fat pig,

Home again, home again, jiggetty jig.

To market, to market to buy a fat hog,

Home again, home again, jiggetty jog.

After I learned this one I called Mishra aunty…well fat Mishra aunty. I got into a lot of trouble. I am confused.

Goosey, Goosey, Gander
Goosey, goosey, gander,

Whither shall I wander?

Upstairs, and downstairs,

And in my lady's chamber.

There I met an old man

Who wouldn't say his prayers!

I took him by the left leg

And threw him down the stairs.

People who don't believe in god and people who are old deserve to be thrown down the stairs.

Five little monkeys
Five little monkeys swinging from a tree,

Teasing Mr crocodile, "You can't catch me"

Along came the crocodile, as quietly as can be

and SNAP! Went the crocodile,

and then there were:

Four little monkeys swinging from a tree…
Continue until there are no little monkeys.

If you want to pick on someone make sure they are weak and powerless to get back at you, like grandpa. Monkeys are stupid.

I dedicated the next poem to Mishra aunty the last time she came over. I even added my special touch. I substituted Mishra aunty for elephant to make the poem more personal.

An Elephant Walks Like This and That
An elephant walks like this and that,

He's terribly tall and he's terribly fat.

He's got no fingers, He's got no toes,

But goodness gracious What a LONG nose!

I think Mishra aunty was deeply touched by my gesture. She was speechless.

Mom said watching TV is doing no good to me. So I have to go learn a new nursery rhyme now, about a baby falling from the cradle.

Sketching a woman

Added a new link in the link list called "Sketching a woman". It's a sketch starting from skeleton structure of a woman. The artist transform the skeleton by adding on muscle layers and then giving a more difinitive form. Check it out.

Movie review: Born into brothels

I watched a documentary called “Born into brothels” yesterday. I hadn’t heard about the movie before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was already a little spooked out by my last adventure of watching ‘what the bleep do we know?’ and so was very apprehensive about this documentary. Once bitten twice judgmental. So here I was with my friends thinking, ‘I can’t believe I got myself into this’. It was a Saturday night and I didn’t want to feel angry, useless and depressed all at once like I did after I watched ‘Salaam Bombay’. I reserve such heavy material movies for non-drinking and/or non-weekend days….that doesn’t really leave too many days in a year, but the point is I was going to get a shot of reality instead of kamikaze on a Saturday night. Clearly labeled as a documentary all hopes for sexcapades of Lolita were abolished. I felt like a puppy about to get its weekly bath.

To my greatest surprise, it wasn’t a movie focused on the sad state of affairs of the kids in brothels. The movie effortlessly connects you to these kids, their life, perspectives, hopes and goals. Filmed by a photographer and filmmaker Zana Brisky, this documentary is her effort and struggle to give these kids a chance at a better life.

Zana starts frequenting the brothels of Calcutta, India to photograph the women and their life there. Unintentionally she befriends the kids and finds herself on a new mission of teaching the kids photography. Zana gives eight kids point and shoot cameras and starts tutoring them on photography. The kids themselves photograph much of the documentary. What starts out as a fun project, shapes into an incredible inspiring saga.

One of the kids is so talented that he is chosen to go to Amsterdam for a 7-day workshop by the World Press Photo Foundation. This workshop invites 10 individuals every year from all over the world to get their views on photography. The kid does not really care about this opportunity; he is lost in another world as he finds out that his mother was burned alive and dies of burn injuries. These kids are faced with difficult decisions at such an early age. They are not choosing ice-cream flavors, they are choosing between family and a chance at a life out of the brothel at 8 years of age.

Sometimes when you hear them talk you feel like you are listening to a 40 year old person who is disillusioned by life. In other instances they are just regular kids playing pranks and laughing contagiously.

I loved everything about this documentary. The photography, the way the subject is handled, the portrayal of the kids and most of all the message of the movie. For once the case is made for them for what they are—talented, smart, hard-working, productive kids.

Rated A for Awe-inspiring and empowering. Don’t miss it.

Movie clips

Movie Review of "What the bleep do we know?"

A torture weapon to tranquilize, annoy and destroy your brain cells.
Rated: C for Completely avoidable.

This movie came with high recommendation from many friends and finally I had the misfortune of watching this sleep inducing and possibly brain damaging pseudoscience documentary. The theme of the movie is, ‘you can change the world by the power of thought’. Some of you may say, ‘so what’s wrong with that? A change in attitude could indeed be life changing’. This movie says more than that and that’s where I start getting pissed off. The disgusting manipulation of science to make data fit their theories is where the rabbit hole to bull-shit begins.
This movie is made to initiate cult following for the Ramtha institute of “enlightenment”. Let me tell you a little bit more about this institute so that you are aware of where all these scientific “experts” and “facts” presented in the movie are coming from. Ramtha institute was started by J.Z Knight, who claims to communicate with a 35000-year-old spirit Ramtha (a warrior from Atlantis). All the other “experts” are affiliated with this institute or other universities, which conduct studies that don’t follow any scientific method.
Many people don’t know what to make of the movie because they may not know enough about quantum theories and neurobiology to make a fair judgment. That’s what the moviemakers count on, you giving them the benefit of doubt.
Think about it though. Can you really change the crystal structure of water by your thoughts? The study done by Masaru Emoto called ‘messages in water’ is anything but science. The crystal structures shown in the movie were a biased subset. The researcher knew what word the bottle was labeled with so it was easy for him to pick out crystals that matched the description. A beautiful crystal for love and an ugly one for hate. I’d like to see Mr. Emoto get those results without knowing what word the bottle was labeled with.
Aside from the crappy movie content, the whole attempt at making the documentary into a movie was a complete failure.
Here are a few reviews of the movie that I enjoyed reading:
BBC review:Less Stephen Hawkings, more Oprah Winfrey
Short funny review
Very detailed review on the factual inaccuracies of the movie

To switch or not to switch

The Monty Hall dilemma

You are probably familiar with the problem from the TV show ‘Lets make a deal’. Here is the problem. There are three doors and there is a car behind one of the doors and goats behind the other two doors. You don’t know which door the car is behind, but the game show host knows where it is. You get to pick a door and once you pick a door, the host will open a door with a goat behind from the remaining two doors (i.e. the doors you didn’t pick). Then you have two choices, either you stick with the door you originally picked or switch to the other door.

What would you do?

According to Marilyn Vos Savant, if you switch you have a higher probability to win. The reasoning being that 2 /3 times you will pick the wrong door and when the host opens a door with the goat, he has no choice but to pick the only other door with the goat behind. So 2/3 of the times if you switch you will get the car.

Not convinced yet? There is a computer simulation for this problem, which is fun to try out. Go to http://www.cut-the-knot.org/hall.shtml

So would you switch or stick?