Chapter 12: Sagar's seven (part 1 of 3)

Vyasa (V) is animatedly describing a dramatic drama script that he has been working on to Ganapati (G). G is soaking in every word excitedly because he is a sucker for action drama.

V in his best voice over guy voice: “In a world full of dirty laundry, is there hope? Coming soon to a stage near you. ‘Dhobi Ghat’. There is drama. ‘Hey Bhagwan, mere aakhri safed patloon par tumne ye keechad kyon uchala?’ There is action, ‘I need a washed pair of underwear stat. Dry stupid clothes dry’. There is romance. ‘Blank’. Okay scratch that.”

G: “Heh”

V (continues in a voice over guy voice): “Starring Lint Eastwood. Lint Eastwood voice over: ‘When you decided to wear unwashed undies, you had to ask yourself this question, do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?”

G pulls out the quill from his dhoti and revolves it: “Pow pow pow! I love Lint Eastwood!”

V: “Also starring Dinu Washing-ton. Dinu voice ‘I am not going to bury my laundry. My laundry is going to bury me.’ The only way he can survive is by doing more laundry. Also starring, Silk Smitten. Silk Smitten runs jiggling in slow motion.”

G: “Ah! I miss Riverwatch.”

V: “I don’t know man, breaking into Angallywood is tough. The politics…it’s killer but I can still deal with it. My half cousin’s wife’s uncle knows a guy who knows an assistant director. So I am pretty sure I can get around the bureaucracy with nepotism.”

G: “Well played.”

V: “But they kill you with edits and censorship man! They stripped my script to some melodramatic sob story which only a masochist could read through and the ghastly dialogues, it’s like the script is written for a 4 y old, you know a really dumb 4 y old.”

G: “Well you could do the silly stuff until you have a leg in and then once you have some street cred move onto something you would like to do.”

V: “Gah! You’re like my dad. That’s such a sell out mentality. I for one will adhere to my standards. I’m going to think big. I want to break the mould, put it out there.”

G: “Talk to me in five years”.

V: “I was thinking about this drama script called “Dhobi Ghat” where the laundry is a metaphor for life. It doesn’t matter who you are in life. Whether you are a king or a poor grad student, you always have some dirty laundry to do. Sure some people can throw money at the problem, get other people to do their laundry but the problem never goes away. There is always more laundry to do.”

G: “Obviously you have given a lot of thought to laundry”.

V: “And just like in life, with laundry we are confronted with choices. Should you play by the rules set by the clothes retailers on those itchy labels or should you risk it all and dare to wash the dry clean only clothes with the regular clothes? Should you sort the loads by the fabric composition or by color? If by fabric compo then where does the 50% cotton and 50% silk go? You see how I give life’s big questions a new perspective?”

G: “Yeah, mind blowing”

V: “Then there is the issue about color. You’d think it is a clear cut issue here. You should never mix the colored ones with the whites, cause then you are just asking for trouble.”

G: “Woah! Okay that’s going a bit too far”.

V: “We live in a sick world my friend. I had a room-mate once who not only mixed colors with whites, he washed the delicates and cottons together. What are we? Animals?”

G: “No that’s not what I meant. I was alluding to the metaphor…”

V: “Forget about the metaphor. The coolest part about Dhobi Ghat is…you’ll never guess it. Okay ready?”

G: “Please tell me there won’t be any ghastly laundry puns.”

V: “Well of course not.”

G: “Well good.”

V: “Did that take a load off your mind.”

G: “Aargh!”

V: “Okay okay, check it out, for realz this time. Ready? There will be no Dhobi Ghat in the whole story. People are going to expect it and they will keep waiting for it and I won’t give it to them. The movie will end abruptly and leave the audience hanging…like the laundry. I am going to totally go meta on the audience.”

G: “Wow! Is there something else you are looking into for, you know, back-up in case this thing doesn’t take off?”

V: “I don’t know, I probably should. My stuff could be a bit too sublime for Angallywood. When the time comes I might get a regular job, just to pay the bills and such.”

G: “Yeah, good idea. So what about the dissertation?”

V: “Heh! I’ve been procrastinating I must admit. But now is as good a time as any to get back to it. Are you up for it?”

G: “Am I? Let’s do this thing!”

V narrates: “It was high noon. The sun was blazing. The royals and the guards were hung over from last night’s celebrations. The princess’s jewels had still not been taken to the treasury. Sagar the con man had kept the plan simple.”

1 month before...

Sagar: “All we have to do is break into a palace with security system that rivals that of Brahmastra Inc., which was last we tried impregnable. We need to cross the moat with hungry crocodiles, scale the giant wall which is 2000 feet high, get past about 3000 security personnel unnoticed, find the location of princess’s bedroom out of the 349 rooms in the palace, get past the princess and her maids, steal the jewelry and live off the money we make from selling the stash.”

Bandit 1: “This is impossible”.

Sagar: “If by impossible you mean completely possible then yes.”

Bandit 1: “Okay I’m leaving”.

Bandit 2: “Even if we somehow make it in there, are we supposed to carry the whole stash out of the place unnoticed?”

Sagar: “Yeah, ideally.”.

Bandit 1: “And how many men do you think we need to do this job?”

Sagar: “Men? Have you heard of the Booty squad? Together we will be Sagar’s seven!”