Noisy neighbors

Remember the scene in Jurassic park when the electric power shuts down followed by the disappearance of the scapegoat. Then it starts, the water in the puddle has ripples building in it as the earth shattering thuds of footsteps get louder and louder. Now imagine that the T-rex lived in the upstairs apartment and he likes to stroll in his apartment from mid-night until 2am. Can it get worse? You bet your brown ass it can. It so happens that this T-rex lives with a She-rex and they also happen to be nymphomaniacs. Let me put it this way…for once I am glad that guys come fast. Who has sex 7 days a week anyway?

How is it that people who don’t sleep until 4am always wind up renting out the apartment above you? And god-forbid they ever decide to go out of town for a weekend. Why that would mean I might get a full 8 hours of sleep. They can’t let that happen.

Brilliant ideas that have backfired:

I have stuffed my window panes with some padding so that they don’t have space to vibrate every time T-rex decides to take his mid-night stroll. That hasn’t toned the noise down as much as I had hoped for.

I have tried politely requesting T to tone down his midnight activities to no avail. When that didn’t work I knocked on the ceiling once with a broom. As if that was supposed to be some knock-knock joke the prick bangs back on the floor! I am not trying to have a rendezvous you dumbass.

I considered calling the cops on him but the guy is walking around in his apartment. They can’t charge him for walking in his apartment at insane hours…could they? So unless he starts playing loud music the cops aren’t going to show up.

Wrote a letter to the landlord. I don’t know if the management cares enough to intervene.

I was seriously contemplating to move my bed into the living room. The sleep deprivation is getting to me.

I thought about leaving bunny slippers at T’s door. Knowing him, he would buy me ear plugs. Earplugs would keep me awake because they are uncomfortable and I am always afraid somebody might break into my house. So I can’t wear them and sleep as I will be lying awake in bed, wondering if somebody is trying to break in and I can’t hear them. So ear plugs were out of question.

I researched sound sealing options. Sound proofing the ceiling would mean overhauling my ceiling or T’s floor i.e. not happening.

The only other thing left to do is buy one of those white noise machines. I really doubt that ocean sounds are going to be any competition for T’s midnight tubthumping.


As I lay away in bed I curse the construction people, management and T-rex: Haraaam zaaadeeeeyyy!

Obsess much?

Crystal Blur's current obsession:

Sugar rush (part deux)

Previously on Sugar Rush…

Flashback here

I wallowed in the darkness of a doughnut deprived food dungeon. Oh the sorrow! Drowning in my grief I roamed the grocery isles. How much longer will my cholesterol-starved arteries have to go on like this? I guess it was that day that the food gods decided to have mercy on me.

There it stood glowing in the gold rimmed bucket. It was the pot at the end of the rainbow. Haagen-Dazs Bailey’s Irish Cream ice cream. My taste buds had a mini orgasm right there in the grocery store. Oh the tease!

$5.99 for 1 pint? That’s a steal! I was too afraid to touch it, what if I was hallucinating this? I quickly pounced on the box and checked out of the grocery store. Drove home furiously and popped open the lid.

I felt like I had to do some ritualistic sacrifice before I could touch the pristine ice cream surface. It was time for the kill. The ice cream scoop caved into the depths of the sugar ecstasy and I piled on 3 huge dollops into the bowl. I finally let the first spoonful melt on my tongue and a dramatic play of spit fountains overtook my mouth. A small step in the dessert section was a big step for womankind.

As I sank into sugar coma I thanked the food gods from the bottom of my taste buds.

Sitayana

Nina Paley very aptly describes herself as "America's best-loved unknown cartoonist". I guess many of you are familiar with her work. I discovered her website just yesterday and I had to blog about her. She is a professional animator and all her projects are a one woman show. That means she is the writer, director, producer and everything that goes into the making of the animation.

She discovered Ramayana on her visit to India and was inspired to retell the mythological story in Sita's perspective with a Western twist.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did:

Chapter 1: Dandaka Dharma



For Chapter 2-5 you can go here


To learn more about Nina or view other animations by her visit website

Sugar rush

What’s with women and chocolate?

A question that has plagued mankind for centuries…okay fine it has plagued my mind ever since I have started writing my thesis. (Now you know how well my thesis writing is going).

To answer the question, I started with some literature searches and within no time this mystery was history. This is what I found. (Puts on nerd glasses). I would like to draw your attention to the nursery rhyme “what are girls made of?” page 9, paragraph 2.

I quote the poem below:
What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs' tails;
That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice, and everything nice;
That's what little girls are made of.

(On a side note, the first paragraph is pretty mean.)

So now that we know that girls are made of part sugar, it’s only natural that we need refills. Brilliant!
Intruder: “Er…sorry to interject but as an avid reader of t-shirts and bumper stickers I have to ask this. If girls are made of sugar and spice, why do they taste like tuna fish?”
Me (jaw dropped): “You sir are a very sick man! Here is my number. Call me.”

As I was saying, girls have to constantly look for a source of sugar. And God knows you don’t have to be made of sugar to indulge in a delightful fat and sugar ecstasy. For those of you who claim that you don’t have a sweet tooth, I have two words for you: Krispy Kreme. You can get all sorts of doughnuts there but my favorite is the no bells and whistles, original glazed.

They say you never forget your first. Before Krispy Kreme I believed a doughnut is a doughnut. They are all the same. Boy was I wrong. One bite and I was floored. It was a delectable sugar meltdown tuned to perfection. Packed with 200 calories and 2 grams of fat, the doughnut was a passport to food heaven. That’s right WAS. Those sick bastards!

It happened last month. Like an unsuspecting victim I was vegetating on the couch watching TV in a zombie like state when suddenly I heard Krispy Kreme.
Me: “I’m awake I’m awake.”
That’s when it came…the cruel inhuman devastating blow. I saw it on the local news last month.
“All the Krispy Kreme outlets in our city have been shut down”, the news reporter announced calmly.
Me (nervous laughter): “Ha ha. Very funny. This is a joke right?”
The reporter continued in a baritone voice, “…the reason for closing the business…”
Me: “It’s not funny anymore. You need to shut your dill hole now channel 13!”
Reporter: “…to cut their losses.”
Me (shuddering): “Krispy Kreme no more?”

I quickly went through the 5 stages of grief in the next 5 minutes:
Denial: “This is bullpoo. I don’t believe it”
Anger: “The abomination! Curse you channel 13. Beep beep beep beep”
Bargaining: “Why did they take away all of the outlets? One would’ve been fine… I would’ve worked with one.”
Depression: “I have lost my will to live.”
Acceptance: “Oh how I will miss you glazed ecstasy. I should’ve known better… it was too good to last.”

As I wallowed in sorrow, feeling as empty as a doughnut hole, it struck me.

In a moment of Zen I said, “Doh! This is nuts.”

Me: “Krispy Kreme ran out of business? That does not make any sense.”

That’s when I realized what this was all about. Folks I put my very life in danger as I lead you to truth. This, my friends is a full blown government conspiracy.

I mean think about it, how could Krispy Kreme run out of business? I mean how stupid do they think we are? First came the weapons of mass destruction (we let that pass), then came the war on terror (we let that pass) and now they tell us Krispy Kreme ran out of business. This has gone too far.”

Adding insult to injury here is a link to a recent article on CNN. http://edition.cnn.com/2006/BUSINESS/08/08/krispykreme.hk/

Going out of business my foot!

Must bring back our preciouses…must eat them…must go into sugar coma…must bring Krispy Kreme back to our cholesterol deprived arteries.

Its war people!

Once upon a time (a not so grim tale)

(Disclaimer: Any coincidences are purely coincidental)

Once upon a time in the mystical woods there lived a lonely duck. The poor duck had the curse of intellect and could not help but analyze everything to death. The duck realized that it was different from the other ducks at an early age. While the other ducklings went clubbing or read romantic novels, the lonely duckling thought about the mysteries of the universe or read about the art of Zen. The duck thought that all the intriguing black holes were in outer space.

But it wasn’t as grim as the lonely duck made it out to be. All the reading and pondering had paved a dazzling career path for it. The duck owned a cozy pad in the mystical forest and had a cool ride. To top it off the duck had great stock options and had some nifty dance moves. But alas all this was not enough as it longed for the company of another duck. The duck seeked a companion who could hold up a conversation and share a few laughs while cruising in the pond on a lazy moonlit night. Was it too much to ask for a duck with an IQ greater than a bucket of rocks?

It turned out yes it was too much to ask for. It was a long quest that the duck endured when it went looking for its soul mate. From bar pick ups to online dating yonder it went to find the love of its life. The duck met a few who wanted riches. The duck met others who were just lonely. But alas loneliness can’t kill loneliness. So the duck moved on looking for love and companionship.

Finally when the duck was all out of hope and ready to give up love came its way as unexpectedly as it always does. The duck fell in love with a brilliant arty duck named Roberto. (Shame on all of those who assumed the lonely duck was male). Roberto was a painter and painted the lonely ducks eyes day and night. The lonely duck had the most beautiful eyes Roberto had ever seen. The lonely duck could not believe that it was now a not so lonely duck at last. Roberto and the not so lonely duck were head over heels in love.

After a month of basking in love the not so lonely duck and Roberto realized that their career paths and lifestyles had nothing in common. The not so lonely duck missed the mystical forest and finally they decided to breakup and return to their homes for good. The two decided to remain friends and thanks to free long distance night and weekend minutes they chatted everyday. The lonely again duck finally came to terms with life and settled for a bigger house with a plasma screen TV with a private pool and lived as a wee bit lonely duck ever after.

-The end-

P.S. : This was an old post from a couple of years ago that I had not published on this blog.

G. Bappa drinks milk

Santa: Hey G! What's wrong? You don't look so good.
Ganpati: I've been binge drinking milk in India. If I have to drink one more glass of milk...
Santa: Ah!Been there done that every friggin year. 3 more months and I will not see the end of milk and cookies. I go on a 'milk and milk related products' free diet for the rest of the year man.


Both check out their tummies in the mirror.

Ganpati: Those bastards! Sometimes I wish I was lactose intolerant.
Santa: This time the joke is on them. I got everybody "Fuck milk got beer?" t-shirts.

Chapter 5.5: Kill Bully

It has been months since Ganapati had heard from Vyasa. A little concerned, Ganapati decides to pay Vyasa a visit. He reaches Vyasa's cottage to find a note on the door: "Trespassers will be cursed. You are a trespasser if you have big ears, tusks and a trunk.”

Ganapati: "Funny guy".

Ganapati decides to venture in anyway. Vyasa is buried in papyrus and wrappers of juicy root. Ganapati booms in "WASSSSUP!!!". Vyasa chokes on his juicy root.

Vyasa: “You gave me a heart attack! G...what are you doing here?”
Ganapati: “I was in the neighborhood.”

Vyasa raises an eyebrow

Ganapati: “Ok fine I missed pulling your leg.”

Suddenly Vyasa bursts into tears.

Ganapati (confused): “Er...you missed me too? You are scaring me.”
Vyasa: “I can't take this G. Nothing works in the lab. The results are FUBAR. I don't have any job prospects. When will I be able to afford a decent house and a chariot?”

Ganapati: “V get a hold on yourself.”

Vyasa bawls.

Ganapati: "Here you go."

Ganapati hands over a bottle of happy potion. Vyasa chugs it down.

Ganapati: “Slow down buddy.”
Vyasa: “There is no slowing down now.”

Vyasa continues binge drinking until he passes out. Next day he wakes up with a pounding headache.

Vyasa:“What happened?”
Ganapati: “You didn’t father any children.”
Vyasa: “Good enough for me.”

On that lazy Saturday, Vyasa and Ganapati sit down to continue writing the somewhat abandoned book.

Ganpati: “So finally, here it is...Chapter 7.”
Vyasa: “Actually this is going to be chapter 5.5.”
Ganpati: “Okay I guess.”
Vyasa: “Start writing. Life was good, nay, great for the Pandavas. And why wouldn’t it be? Their father was the King.”
Ganpati: “I thought Pandu died in the Forest Hump episode?”
Vyasa: “Chapter 5.5, remember?”
Ganpati: “Right!”
Vyasa: “As for the Kauravas, they were tired of the constant bullying by Bhima and the nepotism everywhere.”

The Kauravas have a meeting to deal with the increasing bad press they have been getting in the recent months.

Duryodhan: “I’ve had it with that big bully Bhima.”
Dushyasan: “If I am called Dushbag one more time, I am going to punch him. Even if I get an atomic wedgie for it, I will do it.”
K56: “If we don’t do something about this soon we are going to land in deep trouble. The Pandu ministry is always giving us bad press. Krips always makes sure that the first five spots in the class are taken by the Pandavas.”
K68: “I am sick of being beaten up black and blue by fat ass.”
K29: “At least you weren’t drowned. If it wasn’t for K44 I would’ve breathed my last breath. K44 had the presence of mind to ring the lunch bell.”
Duryodhan: “This has gone too far. We have to make this stop. I have given this some deep thought. Bhima’s fall is necessary for our survival. Without Bhima the Pandavas are weak. The ruin of the Pandavas will pave our way to the throne.”
K89: “But there is still one big flaw. We cannot inherit the throne unless dad becomes King. When was the last time you’ve heard of a blind King?”
Duryodhan: “Well there may never have been one before, but Shakuni mama is helping change that. Out of his own personal struggle as a cripple...excuse me...locomotively challenged, he has decided to appeal for a reform and pass the disabilities act. In a nutshell, dad is going to be a King.”

Kauravas: Cheers and applause.

Duryodhan: “It’s settled then. We have to get rid of Bhima to get the ball rolling.”
K66: “But how?”
Dushyasan: “No worries. I have a plan. It’s called Bhima ka kheema.”

Kauravas: Whistles, cheers and applause.

Dushyasan: “Pilan is bhery simple. Put poison in food. Put food in Bhima. Put Bhima in water.”
K89: “That should take care of Bhima, but what about the other four? Should we get rid of them as well?”
Dushyasan: “I want it to look like an accidental death. So we should keep the other four busy. K32, do you still have the stash of Play Apsaras.”
K32: “What stash?”

Dushyasan raises an eyebrow.

K32: “Oh alright!”

And so the Kauravas set out to destroy their nemesis.

(To be continued...)

A close encounter of the lizard kind

Day: Thursday night
Time: 10:30pm
Mood: Tired and urge to pee.

I make my way to the toilet and switch on the light in the bathroom to give myself a heart attack. There is a f*ing lizard in the f*ing toilet bowl. Yes IN the toilet bowl! I panic and my urge to pee doubles. I consider calling the landlord or friends for help but immediately feel like a total nitwit, as I know how late in the night it is (especially because tomorrow is a work day). I decide to take charge of the situation and shudder with disgust. Visions of the lizard crawling all over house after it jumps out of toilet bowl begin to take shape. After 5 minutes of shuddering and wincing I realize that I could simply flush the toilet. But then again there is a strong possibility (in my twisted imagination) of the lizard jumping out on me. I shudder some more as I speculate whether this lizard has special powers like flying. Finally I realize that I have no choice but to face my nemesis. Without damage control the enemy would run amuck in the house leaving me sleepless…or worse leave me no place to release the building pressure in my abdomen if it camps out in the toilet bowl. Stoopid lizard!
With cold sweaty hands somehow I flush the toilet. Triumph quickly turns into dismay as the damn lizard positions itself between water jets and suctions itself to toilet bowl. Score: Lizard 1, me white as a ghost. My heart beats louder with the first blow of defeat. I look for bleach in the closet and cannot find it. God damnit! I resort to my weapon of mass fumigation … RAID! In a previous encounter with a lizard I had discovered that Raid is not lethal to lizards. All I hoped for was that the smell suffocates the lizard and it passes out.
Armed with Raid, I position the spray as best as I could, keeping my body as further away from the bowl as possible. I did not want to be a landing strip for the lizard in the event it attempted an escape. Lizards are notorious for that. They always plan their escape route on the attacker. Shudder. 3-2-1…attack…I spray enough to kill an army of roaches and then some more and then run like hell out of the bathroom in fear of lizard jumping on me. I tip toe back into bathroom to find the lizard’s tail severed from its body and flailing in toilet bowl water. Peeking a little further I see the lizard trying to swim in the water. I quickly hit the flush and down it goes. I flush the toilet 3 times just in case it uses its suction strategy to hang on in my toilet and come out again. I can’t use toilet for the next 2 hours even with a strong urge to pee as the visions of lizard crawling up my butt dissuade me.

I go online to read about pest control and am willing to burn a hole in my pocket to get all the cracks and holes in house sealed and fumigated. To my dismay I discover lizards are not classified as pests. What kind of a sick world do we live in where creepy crawling lizards invade a person’s house and there is nothing that can be done? 2 hours later I finally reach a point where the urge to pee takes over psychoneurosis and I pee in record time with butt hanging in mid-air. Relieved I decide to call it a night. I inspect bedding for lizards. Lie awake in bed. Envision conversation with landlord.
Me: “Lizards bad. Must fumigate house.”
Landlord: “ They are harmless. Don’t worry it won’t bite.”
Me (animated): “Do you think I don’t know that already? It doesn’t have to bite! It crawls and wriggles and breaks tail off body.”
Landlord looks at me like I am a basket case.I lie awake in bed a long time before I sleep out of exhaustion.

The debutant

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and I was fiddling with my PowerShotS2IS again. I had spent the last two months taking photos with this camera without as much as looking at the manual that came with it. My policy has always been to shoot first ask questions later. But then again there were way too many options on the menu that didn’t make any sense and the camera wasn’t doing everything I was asking it to do. Stoopid camera. I am ashamed to admit that I surrendered and decided to read the manual.
But first I needed a subject. There he was glowing like a superstar and I made him an offer he could not refuse. I offered a personalized photo shoot for no charge and he accepted … for the most part because he was a fish.
His name is Mr. Wiggles and he is a spectacular ruby red beta fish. This wasn’t the first time Mr. Wiggles was modeling. Yes, I had made an offer he could not refuse one other time. To describe our first photo shoot in one word ... miserable failure. Okay that’s two words but who is counting? He was grumpy, I refused to read the manual and as a result we ended up with a red blob floating in a bowl. But that’s ancient history.
We began with cautious optimism. I was eagerly poring through the literature while Mr. Wiggles decided to do whatever it is that he does in the fish bowl. I was soon trigger-happy shooting red blurs in water. Wiggles understandably did not share my enthusiasm. But then it happened, the light bounced pristinely over Mr. Wiggles and he swirled in the water like an agile acrobat and I captured it in all its glory. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present my nimble finned debutant, Mr. Wiggles.

Can't get enough of Mr. Wiggles? More photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/crystalblur/

Shaken but not stirred

I had the misfortune of watching a part of Larry King live on CNN where King was interviewing Donald Trump.

I quote the following from the show:

KING: What's Trump vodka?

TRUMP: Well that's a drink that -- and by the way, the profits from that go to various studies on alcoholism and everything else.

(What? You must be shitting me! The interview continues in all seriousness).

TRUMP: But we launched a vodka called Trump vodka, and we're considering it -- and I think it will be the finest vodka anywhere in the world.

A shot of irony straight up.

Animania

Whisper of the heart

My first impression of Japanese animation was of futuristic robots, monsters and dragons. I can’t recollect how I adopted this point of view (Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon perhaps?). I had some glimpses in the anime world through Animatrix and Kill Bill and was very impressed by the animation there but somehow I did not dig any further into the world of Japanese animation. I am ever so grateful to TCM (Turner classic movies) for taking off my blindfold and introducing me to the world of anime. I feel like an explorer who has embarked on a new and exciting journey to a distant world.

Jaded by the land of Disney where I get an assurance of happy endings, anime came as a breath of fresh air. There was no commitment made to happy endings (Grave of fireflies, Princess Mononoke) and sometimes a villain was absent altogether (My neighbor Totoro, Whisper of the heart and Only yesterday). To me this was a much-needed jolt of reality in the world of animation plagued with sickly sweet fairy tales. Moreover anime had dark characters that were not just crazed deviants or purely evil (Princess Mononoke). They had their own aspirations and motivations that drove them to act the way they did.
Miyazaki: "The concept of portraying evil and then destroying it - I know this is considered mainstream, but I think it is rotten. This idea that whenever something evil happens someone particular can be blamed and punished for it, in life and in politics is hopeless."

I have to say that there were a number of things that I did not expect from anime.
1) The diversity in target audience. There was anime that appealed to every age group and demographic. Castles and magical creatures for the little ones, romance for teenagers, science fiction for the nerds and even erotica (hentai) for the pervy ones.
2) I did not expect animation to delve into intense topics as in ‘The grave of the fireflies’, which is a harrowing story of two kids, who are orphaned and victims of war.
3) I never ever expected to get so emotionally tangled with animated characters. I thought that with animation, the disconnect with reality (as in void of real actors) would always keep me aware of the fictitious nature of the medium and that would keep me from having any sort of emotional attachment. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
4) I loved the hand painted animation that these movies stuck with instead of the computer generated sleek images.
5) I was very pleasantly surprised to see such headstrong female protagonists in Miyazaki’s movies since the movies were made in the 80s.
When asked about women in lead role Miyazaki said: “That would be far too complicated and lengthy an answer to state here, so I'll just suffice by saying that it's because I love women very much (laughs).”
6) I also did not expect that I would prefer the subtitled version to the dubbed version of anime. The dubbing by Disney seems to take away the Japanese appeal from the movie. It was surprising how Disney-like Princess Mononoke felt in the dubbed version. I have decided to stick with the subtitled versions if I have the option.

So far I have watched five anime movies. Yes I know I have a lot of catching up to do.

Only Yesterday:
Loved the character detailing and the rich landscapes in the movie. There is a scene in this movie where this little girl is throwing a tantrum, as her family is ready to leave to go to a restaurant. Unintentionally the girl steps out of the house without wearing shoes (but she is wearing socks and is fully clothed). Her father gets very upset about her stepping out of the house and slaps the little girl!
I didn’t know what to make of it. I started wondering what the cultural implications of revealing ones feet were in Japan (especially if you were a woman). I realise that the Japanese have a fetish for small feet but the extreme outburst of the father in this movie makes me wonder why is it considered inappropriate to reveal your (mind you not legs) feet?

Whisper of the heart:
I felt like I was experiencing the city life in Tokyo in person while I watched this movie. The work ethic that comes across in this movie was also very striking and that’s something I have associated with the Japanese culture through whatever little I have seen or read about Japan. This movie has a very romantic premise. With Japanese romantic movies I also noticed that you could cut the sexual tension with a knife (just like in X-files with Mulder and Scully). The movies then typically end with the couple bowing to each other acknowledging their relationship. All I have to say is ... just make out already! But seriously, why the extreme censorship in the physical intimacy when the graphic violence is so over the top?

My neighbor Totoro:
Again the character detailing of the two sisters is simply brilliant. It’s a happy fun movie appealing to all ages and I loved that. The movie does not reveal certain aspects of the story. For instance, throughout the movie the kids are told that their mom is in the hospital because she has a cold. The audience does not find out what disease the mother is suffering from. To me that was very profound. In life, all your questions about the world may not be answered.

Princess Mononoke:
I have to say this movie did not grab my attention as all the other movies did. This movie is probably more appealing to the younger audience (not to say that I am old :p) But then again the violence was so graphic, how could it be a movie for kids? If it is targeted towards kids, I wonder whether the Japanese history has something to do with it. Has their past prompted them to accept violence as a part of life?

Grave of fireflies:
This movie grabbed my heart and wrenched it till I cried. I read somewhere that this movie was played in Japanese theaters back to back with ‘My neighbor Totoro’. I wish I could’ve done that. Without Totoro to cheer me up I was engulfed in a depressive cloud last night. (Note to self: will not subject self to harrowing movies without a neutralizing dose of Totoro like movies at disposal).

I could not resist digging around for more gems of anime. So I did some research and came up with a list of movies that I want to watch:

Kiki’s delivery service
Spirited Away
Ocean waves
Chie the brat
Cowboy Bebop The movie
The dimension traveler
Like the clouds, like the wind
Tokyo Godfather
Ghost in the shell
Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust
Vampire Hunter
Gauche the cellist
The cat returns
Perfect blue
Millennium actress
The aurora
Howl’s moving castle
My neighbors the Yamadas

Akira

Eternal Family

Dead Leaves

If you are an anime virgin, I hope that I have made enough ruckus to make you check out some anime. On the other hand if you have been there done that got the t-shirt then do recommend other must watch anime movies and/or I would love to hear your take on any of the movies that I have listed on my ‘to watch’ list.

Arigato gozaimas :)

Totoro

Totoro, Mei and Satsuki


I am currently fascinated by Hayao Miyazaki's movies. Here is a short and sweet introduction to one of his movies.

Movie title: Tonari no Totoro (1988) or My neighbor Totoro

Rated: A for adorable animated adventure

Story: Adventures of two sisters, Mei and Satsuki with the a playful forest spirit called Totoro who rides in a Catbus. I was captivated by the imagination and animation of the movie.

Catbus

{Will blog about Mimi wo sumaseba (Whisper of the heart) when I find some time. Miyazaki wrote the screenplay for this movie.}

The march of the penguins

Readers approach the blog site in the hopes of finding Chaper 7. Instead of Chapter 7, they find Crys standing besides the Madagascar penguins smiling and waving.
Reader (R 1): About time for Chapter 7…what the?
Readers do not look even slightly amused.
Madagascar penguin (MP): Just smile and wave…smile and wave.
Crys (grinning sheepishly): He he.
R 1: Where is G. Bappa? Why are you here with the penguins? You better have a good excuse for not posting Chapter 7.
C: I do. I mean I don’t. It’s not an excuse!
R 1: What is it Crys? You do or you don’t?
R 2: Yeah. What’s going on here? The last time I visited this site, instead of Chapter 7 you came up with a sarcastic WHO blog, which by the way seemed like an over reaction to a couple of harmless comments disliking your blog.
C: Oh no…that wasn’t directed towards those comments.
MP: R 2, looks like you haven’t heard about Blindspotview uncle and his crew who went ape shit over this series under the influence of sanctimonitis. The health advisory had to take some action. Follow the links in the WHO blog to read about efforts of other volunteers fighting sanctimonitis.
R 1: Lets not digress again. We are talking about Chapter 7… alright Crys, out with it.
C: Well…I had my committee meeting this week and I have some good news and some bad news.
R 3: This better not be one of your Kaiko insurance jokes.
C: Very funny. Anyhoo, the good news is that I will be graduating by the end of this summer. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will finally get my PhD and be a doctor…. Dr. Blur …(sigh).
R 4: PhD? You won’t be a real doctor then.
C (aggravated): Not a real doctor did you say?
R 2: There there Crys, don’t listen to them. But seriously, was that the good news?
C: Hey!
R 1: Stop it you guys. I say kudos Crys and good job. You will be a great doctor.
C: Gee thanks R 1.
R 1: You are very welcome dear. Now where is Chapter 7?
C: Hmph! Oh alright, that’s the bad news. I haven’t started working on it. I just have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Uh….why are you all looking at me like that. Are you alright? That vein in your head is really popping out now.
MP: Just smile and wave now.
C: I don’t think it’s going to work.
MP (slaps Crys): Don’t give me excuses give me results.
C: What did you do that for?
C gives MP threatening looks and starts rubbing her sore cheeks.
R 4: So now that you are done with your meeting, should we expect to see the next chapter already?
C: With my dissertation writing and research I can’t be certain. Stay tuned is all I can say. You will surely bear with me while I get my degree right. Hey where are you guys going?
Readers smile and wave.

WHO health advisory

Hello friends. Today we are going to learn about sanctimonitis.

What is sanctimonitis?

Sanctimonitis is a terrible disease afflicting people all over the world. The sufferers of sanctimonitis hallucinate about threats to their cultural well being through infringement of their sacred moral ideals that they themselves arbitrarily define or make up. As a result they try to enforce their myopic ideas of socially acceptable behaviour on everyone around them.

Is sanctimonitis very common?

The official WHO count is not out yet but this disease is found more commonly than you think.

Is sanctimonitis contagious?

Your susceptibility is directly proportional to your body's gullibility index. People who display resistance to fallacious arguments have been shown to be immune to sanctimonitis.

How do you spot a person suffering from sanctimonitis?

You could not spot one until they open their mouth to talk because most of the time they look and behave just like all of us.

Can you catch sanctimonitis before it worsens?

Sanctimonitis if not treated can lead to a full-blown case of fanatic fever. And believe me there is no fun in fanatic. Common symptoms of sanctimonitis include frequent irrational outbursts on innocent bystanders, constant sermons on 'sacred' ideals followed by patronising or abusive recourses to better mankind.

Do we have rehab centers for sanctimonitis sufferers?

Gaurav Sabnis and Great Bong have generously volunteered some time to fight sanctimonitis. Gaurav in his post dissects a severe case of a sanctimonitis sufferer and Great Bong reveals how sanctimonitis has corrupted our society. Thanks both of you for the very excellent posts.

Is there a vaccine that could prevent sanctimonitis?

Scientists are working on this problem but so far there is no vaccine available.

What can I do to help?

Follow the triple A program:

1) Awareness. You could spread awareness about this disease.

2) Acceptance. Encourage sanctimonitis sufferers to accept their disease.

3) Avoidance. Avoid entertaining psycophantic rants doled out by sanctimonitis sufferers. If encouraged, sanctimonitis may worsen.

I dream of a sanctimonitis free world.

Chapter 6: Forest hump

Kunti was a 16-year-old young and restless celebrity socialite. She was always the talk of the town. Her sizzling looks and lavish lifestyle kept her in the public eye. Her foster parents had initiated her into this opulent lifestyle through the frequent banquets that they hosted. With all the parties they hosted they also had frequent houseguests. One of the houseguests was a businessman called Durvasa. He was an enterprising businessman and had come up with the very first dating service at the time. Pleased by the hospitality he received at the stay he left Kunti a little gift.

Durvasa: “I am leaving you with a free trial offer voucher on my new dating service enterprise. Send in the voucher and you will be able to use the service free of charge.”
Kunti: “Aren’t dating services for losers?”
Durvasa: “Trust me, this is the next big thing.”

Kunti’s curiosity got the better of her that evening and she started eyeing the card.
"Tired of wandering around by the river? Want to make some hot new friends? Just send us a pigeon to Sikh of Jack Inhoff and we promise to deliver. Remember, if you don’t get it, you don’t get it."
Kunti decided to try the service and send the pigeon. Before she knew it a dreamy eyed stranger showed up at her door.

Suraj: “Hi, I am Suraj from the dating service.”
Kunti: “Habbahabba…er…I mean …you guys are fast.”
And just like that Kunti was expecting the unexpected.
Mom: "You are expecting? Kunti, how could you be so irresponsible? Who's the father?"
Kunti: "Please don't be upset ma. His name is Suraj...er...or was it Surya?"
Mom: "Aaargh! Now listen to me young lady. There better not be any sex tapes floating around or you will be in big trouble."
Dad: "Calm down honey, I am sure it was the guys fault. Why would our sweet pumpkin do something like this?"
Kunti makes a puppy face and Dad hugs Kunti.

Mom: "Okay this time it has gone too far. Kunti needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions. It's not just about Kunti anymore...we have to think about the baby's future. We need to get Kunti married."
Kunti: "But Maaa, I am not ready to get married yet."
Mom: "When I need your opinion, I will give it to you."
Kunti: "Dad...do something."
Mom shoots a 'don't even think about it ' look.
Dad: "Sorry sweetie, I think your mother is right."
Mom: "Alright, tell me everything that happened."

Kunti narrates the story as her parents listen intently with occasional outbursts of 'I am going to kill that S.O.B.' by Dad. After some thought Mom comes up with a plan. The following night Kunti is secretly escorted out of the kingdom. Under the cover of the dark, Kunti makes her way to Durvasa's house.

Kunti: "Hello Durvasa uncle. I am pleased to announce that I am preggo and you will be taking care of all the delivery expenses as promised."
Durvasa (astounded): "As promised?"
Kunti brings attention to Durvasa's business card logo 'we promise to deliver'.
Durvasa: "My publicist is going to pay for this. That moron."

After nine months, Kunti was in the delivery room yelling in pain that she would never ever do it again. Six hours later she was the mother of a beautiful baby boy. Durvasa promptly pulled out of further financial responsibilities. Kunti was now eager to go home and get back to her parties but with the little baby and no money of her own to pay the bills, she realized she had a tough choice to make: parties or being a single mom. She quickly put up her child for adoption. The adoption agency informed her that the child was adopted by a childless couple in the chariot business and that the baby was named Karna. Relieved, Kunti returned home, eagerly looking forward to the high life.

(Ganapati: I object to such character assassination of women.
Vyasa: Overruled).

Mom: "There there little one. Everything will be okay."
Kunti: "Ma, I don't know what I would do without you."
Mom: "Don't worry Kunti, I have it all figured out. We have to get you a reconstructive surgery, get you back to the gym and lose all the pounds you have packed and then my dear you will be married off and live happily ever after."
Kunti: "But mom I don't want to get married. And I don't want to go to the gym."
Dad: "Dear lets not be hasty. Lets give her some time."
Mom: "I've had it with both of you. My word is final. Now let me schedule the surgery."
Dad: "What did my poor pumpkin ever do to deserve this?"
Kunti: "Can you not call me pumpkin? I gave birth to a child last week."
Dad: "Alright sugarplum, I won't call you pumpkin."

Soon it was time to get Kunti married off. On the day of the Swayamwara there was a line of suitors waiting for Kunti's verdict. Kunti noted Pandu’s presence at the Swayamwara. He was the King of Hastinapur as his elder brother Dhritarashtra was blind.

(Ganapati: That is a complete exploitation of Dhritarashtra’s disability.
Vyasa: If you really want to know what’s exploitation try going to grad school.)

Kunti’s attraction to fair skin made Pandu the clear winner in her eyes. She felt a sense of fulfillment to be so close to her happily ever after. Little did Kunti know that Murphy's law was going to strike with a vengeance. Kunti and Pandu were childless for more than a year now and Pandu kept blaming Kunti for the impotency. Tired of the finger pointing she suggested that he marry another woman to solve this problem.

(Ganapati: So is there some sort of a hereditary impotency problem going on in this dynasty?
Vyasa: What's hereditary?
Ganapati: Never mind.)

Pandu promptly married Madri and went on a honeymoon with her to the hottest honeymoon resort in a secluded jungle. Pandu wanted to impress Madri so he decided to take her along on a hunting trip. To his delight five minutes into the hunt he spotted two deer behind the bushes just ten paces away from them. Pandu latched his arrow onto the target and shot the arrow that swiftly pierced his target. A loud yowl arose from the bush, "Whoever shot this arrow is dead meat!"
Pandu: "A talking deer?"

A man and a woman dressed like deer appeared from behind the bushes.
Madri: "It's just some honeymooners role playing."
Pandu: "Role playing?"
Madri: "Yeah it’s the latest thing to spice it up when things get a little boring."
The deerman looked very angry with an arrow sticking out of his butt.
Deerman: "What the hell do you think you were doing you moron?"
Pandu: "Who are you calling a moron? You were the one taking a forest hump in that ridiculous costume. How was I to know?"
Deerwoman (whispers in Deerman's ears): "He looks like one of those rich snobs who think they can get away with anything with money."

Pandu decides to go for a settlement with the Deerman.
Pandu: "You know what? It was an honest mistake.Let me take care of your medical bills and we call it even. How about that?"
Deerwoman: "See...he is trying to get away by throwing some money at us."
Deerman: "Curse you albinoman! You will die of performance anxiety."
Then the deerman and deerwoman left in a fit of anger.
Pandu and Madri tried to forget the incident and go on with their honeymoon. Pandu being superstitious did not want to take the risk of dying by performance anxiety. Just like his uncle Bhishma, he took a vow of celibacy.

Satyavati: “I am beginning to worry. Pandu is the King. His wives need to bear children”.
Bhishma: “You are talking to the man who has been there, never done it and got the robe. He won’t last a week with the vow.”
Satyavati: “If you say so.”
Months passed by and Hastinapur was still left with no heirs.
(Ganapati: Wait a minute…what about Dhritarashtra?
Vyasa: Gripping story isn’t it?
Ganapati: Yeah the suspense of Dhritarashtra’s fertility status is killing me.
Vyasa: Are you always this sarcastic?
Ganapati: As a matter of fact I am never sarcastic. I am guessing it is a side effect of having a constant pain in the trunk.
Vyasa rolls his eyes.)

Dhritarashtra decides to approach Bhishma and plead for a bride.
Dhritarashtra: “Bhishma uncle, if there is anyone in the world who can help me get a wife…its you. I hadn’t realized it until I heard about an article in Hastinapur Times that ranked you as the best matchmaker in the history of Hastinapur.”
Bhishma: “Oh the irony. Always the best man never the groom. Did I top the hottest bachelor list as well?”
Dhritarashtra (cracking up): “I always loved your sense of humour. Oh…you were serious.”
Bhishma: “Alright…I will see what I can do.”
Sure enough Bhishma hooked up Dhritarashtra with his friend Shakuni’s sister Gandhari.
Bhishma: “Go me!”
Gandhari: “As a devoted wife, I don’t wish to enjoy the beautiful visions around me if my husband is incapable of sight. From now on I will wear a blindfold and volunteer myself to blindness.”

(Ganapati: What? That’s ridiculous. What’s next? Hop around on one foot if the husband was a cripple?
Vyasa: Whoever said that all the characters in the story are the brightest people on the planet?
Ganapati: Oh alright.)

Pandu was still adamant about the celibacy vow and Hastinapur was still in need of an heir. Satyavati and Bhishma called for a family gathering with Ambika, Ambalika, Pandu and his wives to figure out a way to propagate the family name.
Bhishma: "Let's get this over with as quickly and painlessly as we can."
Satyavati: "Vyasa is always available."
Ambika and Ambalika wildly gesture against the idea behind Satyavati's back.

(Vyasa:"Hey! I didn't ask you to write that."
Ganapati:"Oh alright I will scratch it out."
Ganapati pretends to scratch the sentence off the script.)
 
Bhishma: "Alright. That was easy."
Kunti: "Wait! I have heard of this dating service. Maybe we could give it a shot."
Madri: "Isn't dating service for losers?"
Kunti: "Why would you say such a horrible thing? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find someone nowadays?"
Madri: "Alright alright. Why are you being so touchy?"
Bhishma: "Well, what do you think Pandu?"
Pandu: "Does it really matter?"
Satyavati: "Let's not have an emotional breakdown now Pandu. Kunti, can you pass on the details of the dating service to me?"
Bhishma looks at Satyavati suspiciously.
Satyavati: "What? Its not for me."
Kunti: "Don't worry. I will take care of it."
Kunti immediately sends a pigeon to Durvasa.

Durvasa: "Aha! Payback time. Let the fleecing begin." Durvasa decided to overcharge heavily. He got them hooked on a sham 'buy one get two half off' deal.
Madri: “I’m pregnant.”
Kunti: “Join the club.”
Gandhari: “I’m pregnant too.”
Dhritarashtra: “I rock”
Pandu: ‘Sulk’
Madri gave birth to twins named Nakula and Sahadeva, the sons of Ashwini twins. Kunti on the other hand went crazy with the deals and ended up having three sons, Yudhishtira the son of Yama, Bhima the son of Pavan and Arjuna the son of Indra.

(Ganapati: This is getting to be quite a sex fest. Isn't this a little too much sex for a book that you intend to sell as mythology?
Vyasa: It's in my publishing contract. They said sex sells so I better add lots of it.
Ganapati: Ah! No arguing that.)

Gandhari had the longest pregnancy in the history of Hastinapur. It lasted for 2 years during which Gandhari got increasingly frustrated. At the end of the pregnancy she gave birth to a ball of flesh.

(Ganapati: “Here is a question for you. Since you explained earlier that Pandu’s skin color and Dhritarashtra’s disability was related to the mother's facial expression during conception, how do you explain Gandhari’s delivery situation.”
Vyasa: Artistic liberties.)

Satyavati invited Vyasa to figure out a solution for this unnatural delivery. Vyasa divided the mass of flesh into 101 parts and put them in jars filled with butter. After two years, 100 boys (Kauravas) and one girl arose from the jars. Duryodhan was the first child to be born from the jar followed by Dushyasan.

(Ganapati: Followed by Kaurava 3, Kaurava 4…Kauarava 100.
Vyasa shakes his head.)

Dushala was the only girl to be born.
Gandhari: “Thank god for the nannies.”
Meanwhile, Pandu's patience grew thin with the celibate lifestyle. He finally decided to screw the vow in an intimate moment with Madri. Some say Pandu died of a heart attack, others say it was performance anxiety.
And just like that, Dhritarashtra became the first blind King of Hastinapur.

(To be continued...)

FAQ - CCSL

Answers to some burning questions

Q. What is CCSL?
A. CCSL = Contextual Contemporarization of Sacred Lore. As a devout Hindu I felt it was my moral duty to popularize my rich culture and tradition. When I read the Mahabharata I quickly realised that Vyasa had much more to offer than the drab G-rated story offered on tele-series. I therefore took it upon myself to rekindle the rich traditions and morals expounded in such a well crafted and tantalizing way. Ladies and gentlemen I present "CCSL". I should admit that I have toned down the sexual explicitness here, but the original is always available. This is an effort to bring the original Mahabharata back to the bookshelves. Jai Hind. Jai Maharashtra.

Q. What is your resource for this series?
A. I refer to Mahabharata by C. Rajagopalachari as one of the main references. I brought this book back with me from my recent trip to India and as I read it I realised that this was a great spoof opportunity so I grabbed it. You can read this book in its entirety at Mahabharata . Other references come from online resources.

Q. Is the plot for your series identical to the original?
A. I use the original plot extensively but sometimes I make changes for the sake of humor or just creative liberties. For example, in this series Chitrangada is the younger brother while in the original he is the older brother. Another example is Amba gets a business card instead of a garland.

Q. Are there any other mythology series that you have written?
A. Yes. The Rishyasringa series which is also part of the Mahabharata in the book. This was my first jab at spoofing. Please refer to the sidebar for links.

Q. Can I link your post on my website?
A. Sure. Blogroll me, link me…all that jazz. The more the merrier. Please don't copy the entire blog and repost it elsewhere. Thanks.

Q. Have you read the Great Indian Novel by Shashi Tharoor?
A. No, I haven’t had the chance yet. I intend to read it as soon as I am done with this series because it has been highly recommended by readers and friends.

Chapter 5: The very secret diary of Amba

Princess Amba's diary

Day 1: I can’t believe Ambika and Ambalika are not getting cold feet for the swayamvara. How can they not worry about getting hitched to the blind date that wins at some stupid skill game that your father comes up with?
Day 2: Thinking of breaking up with Salva. I am tired of his commitment phobia.
Day 4: The palace is packed with stud muffins. I am having increasing second thoughts about Salva.
Day 5: I can’t believe that the 60-year-old virgin has decided to show up. He probably realized its better to be laid than never.
Day 6: My sisters and I have been kidnapped by the pervy virgin. Virgin….ha! He is always staring at Ambalika’s boobs.
Day 7: I cannot believe that Salva got his ass kicked by this old man. I don’t know which is better…an old fart or a young coward.
Day 8: Ambika has been motion sick. Friggin chariot ride is getting to me too.
Day 9: Reached pervy’s hometown…stupid Hastinapur. I thought being kidnapped was going to be the worst part of the ordeal. Turns out I will be Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day 10: I can’t take this anymore. All my sisters care about are the wedding plans. I am missing Salva’s hot bod. So what if he got his ass kicked? Atleast he tried to rescue me. I am going to take it up with the virgin and go back to Salva.
Day 11: I can’t believe Vichitra agreed to let me go that quickly. Am I not good enough for him? Maybe Ambalika was right about the boob job.
Day 12: On my way to Salva’s kingdom. At last I will be united with my hunkadelic heartthrob.
Day 13: Salva downright rejected me. That punk! I am going to interview with the Hastinapur times and tell them he is lame in the sack. How dare he?
Day 14: Going back to stupid Hastinapur. I hate the goddamn chariot ride.
Day 15: Can’t believe I am actually going to become Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day16: What is going on? Vichitra had the nerve to reject my proposal? When was the last time he was proposed to by a woman? I mean really…are big boobs that important?
Day 17: Lo and behold the masterplan. It’s the most logical thing to do. I can dethrone Salva and Vichitra in one move. I am going to marry the virgin. I will then convince him to defeat Salva and take his kingdom and then our kids can be the rightful heirs of Hastinapur. Cheque and mate baby.
Day 18: Un-fucking-believable! I have officially reached the lowest low. The virgin has rejected me. My master plan fell flat on its face. Three rejections in a row…I am going to need some serious therapy.
Day 19: I am wandering around in the jungle aimlessly. Have discovered some interesting mushrooms.
Day 384: Got a pigeon declaring that both my sisters are knocked up. Great!
Day 386: Met a defense attorney…Mr. Parsuram. He thought I have a great shot at a lawsuit. I have decided to sue the virgin’s ass. Hired Parsuram as my defense lawyer.
Day 387: The court trial begins.
Day 624: Got a pigeon declaring my sisters delivered. Still waiting for the goddamn jury selection to begin.
Day 728: Jury selection begins.
Day 740: We have charged the virgin with one count of kidnapping and 3 counts of mental torture. Parsuram kicked some serious ass in the court today.
Day 743: Virgin and his lawyer were such cocky bastards. His lawyer did not give a defense argument. His only words were, “Bhishma is not guilty.” I can’t wait to take my victory lap.
Day 744: My heart skipped a beat when the jury gave its verdict. They thought it was an open and shut case. On account of being a man, Bhishma was found not guilty on all charges. What’s more….they asked me to stop my belligerent behavior and fined me 100 gold bricks to compensate Bhishma for the legal fees.” Stupid Parsuram. Now I am bankrupt.
Day 750: I am hungry, horny and broke. Screw the legal bureaucracy. I am hiring an assassin for a Bhishma free world.
Day 780: They say the 6-faced Subrahmanya is the man to meet. From the name I am guessing he is a master of disguise.
Day 785: Turns out 6-faced is not a master of disguise after all. He just had 6 plastic surgeries. Could not afford him. He took pity on me and gave me his business card. He said if I recruit someone to his company he would seal the deal with me.
Day 820: It turns out I am no good at getting men to do anything for me. Ambalika was right about the boob job. I am going to plea King Drupada as a last resort. If this doesn’t work I am officially giving up.
Day 840: Where have all the real men gone? I stuck 6-faced’s business card on Drupada’s door to remind him what a coward he is. I changed the address on the card to a location where I will bury this diary. If you are reading this diary I hope you are the champion that I spend my life looking for. I have failed to take my revenge and have become a mushroom addict.
Day 842: Blue yellow red bubbles floating everywhere. Adjfnioa. Adnfdhfi.
Day 890: Mushrooms…adfnasdoif…..
Day 913: Got arrested trying to sell mushrooms.
Day 920: Can’t take this anymore. I have decided to end my miserable life. Good-bye cruel world.

(This chapter was tailored to the writing style of the hilarious VSD series authored by Cassandra Claire. To read the VSD series go here )

(To be continued...)

FAQ - CCSL

Chapter 4: Meet the Focker

Vichitravirya’s honeymoon did not go very smoothly. It felt like a horrible day of playing golf. There were one too many holes to go and the equipment was malfunctioning. Ambika consoled him, “Just look at it this way honey. It can only get better.” To their dismay, it got worse. It turned out that Vichitravirya was firing blanks. Some say he died of performance anxiety. Others say, “Who cares?”
Satyavati was now in a fix. With the tragic events in the family Bhishma was the King again. Satyavati was concerned about the inheritance of the throne. She approached Bhishma about the matter.
Satyavati: “I am not happy with the way things are shaping out. I want my grandson to be the rightful owner of the throne.”
Bhishma: “Er…there is just one problem with that. You don’t have a grandson.”
Satyavati: “Stop being a smartass. I am aware of that and I have a fix. I am expecting a visitor.”
Bhishma: “What the…oh my… are you pregnant? Who is he? I am going to kick his ass.”
Satyavati: “Calm down. I am not pregnant. But there is something you need to know. Why don’t you sit down and have a glass of water first?”
Bhishma: “Oh come on. I think I can handle it.”
Satyavati: “Alright. This happened before I met your father. I was by the riverside, you know doing my own thing and out of nowhere I met this hot young man.”
(Ganapati: “What’s up with all these hook ups by the riverside?”
Vyasa: “There weren’t any clubs yet.”)
Satyavati: “He was the most kind and generous man I ever met. Did I mention he looked hot? (Sigh!) Anyway, he was always buying me stuff from Chandramukhi’s secret like perfumes and red lacy…”
Bhishma: “Good God woman! Please spare me the details. Just stick to the highlights.”
Satyavati: “Oh alright. Long story short we made out and I had a son.”
Bhishma: “What? I mean WHAT?”
Satyavati: “Here we go…take long deep breaths….”
Bhishma (sitting down): “Woah woah woah. You weren’t a virgin when you married my father? Dad was fine with that?”
Satyavati: “Don’t be silly. Your Dad didn’t know.”
Bhishma: “But that’s impossible. I know my Dad was not the smartest cookie. But even I would’ve caught that you weren’t a virgin and I have never even done it.”
Satyavati: “Obviously you haven’t heard about reconstructive surgery. I had one.”
Bhishma: “Good lord! I think I’ll have the water now.”
Satyavati: “Do you want me to continue or do you need some recovery time?”
Bhishma: “I may regret this but carry on. Where is this son?”
Satyavati: “His name is Veda Vyasa. He is a brilliant man and would be happy to offer his services if needed. Frankly I don’t see any other alternative.”
(Ganapati: Ahem!
Vyasa: What?
Ganapati: You are telling me that this part of the story has nothing to do with the conversation we had yesterday about your virginity?
Vyasa: Ofcourse not! And for the last time I am NOT a virgin.
Ganapati: Okaaaay. Then tell me about this Vyasa character, does he get to sleep around?
Vyasa: This is my book and my story!
Ganapati grins widely.)
Bhishma: “Alright I guess. It’s worth a shot.”
Satyavati: “If he is anything like his father, trust me this will work.”
Bhishma: “Will you stop with the unnecessary details already?”
Vyasa rushes to Hastinapur as soon as he receives Satyavati’s pigeon mail. As the first order of things to do, Satyavati introduces her son to her daughters-in-law.
Satyavati: “Girls this is my son Vyasa. You can thank me later.”
Vyasa: “Hello ladies. I have a big package for you. (Wink wink).”
Sisters: Groan.
That night Vyasa shows up in the sisters’ room wearing a robe that says, ‘the man (up arrow) the legend (down arrow)’. Vyasa made the best of the opportunity he had in Hastinapur before heading back to the forest. In his stay, he had threesomes with the sisters and also got jiggy with a maid on the side. And just like that Ambika, Ambalika and the maid became pregnant.
Vyasa: Go me!
After two months of morning sickness, 20 pounds in weight gain, nine months of extreme uncomfort and 12 hours of excruciating pain, Ambalika and Ambika eagerly wait in the delivery room to hold their babies for the first time.
Satyavati: “Girls, I have some good news for you and some bad news for you.”
Ambika: “Let’s get over with the bad news.”
Satyavati: “Ambika your son is blind. The only reasonable explanation for this is that you closed your eyes when you conceived him. Ambalika, your son is an albino. Let me guess, you turned pale with fear when you conceived him?”
Sisters grin sheepishly.
Ambalika: “Well… so what’s the good news?”
Satyavati: “I saved a bunch of money on my chariot insurance by switching to Kaayko.”
Sisters: Groan.
No points for guessing which kid was named Pandu (whitey). The blind baby was named Dhritarashtra. The maid gave birth to a healthy baby boy as a result of not contorting her face in any manner and named him Vidura.
(Ganapati: May I say that your knowledge of biology is pretty screwed up.
Vyasa: I have a feeling that this is going to be a painfully long ordeal.)

(To be continued...)

FAQ CCSL

Chapter 3: Bride and prejudice

Satyavati had put a ban on Santanu’s walks by the riverside. Some say he died of frustration, others say he died of old age. Chitrangada and Vichitravirya…

(Ganapati: Here on known as Ranga and Vichu.
Vyasa: Can’t you do a find and replace?
Ganapati: Can’t you choose smaller names?
Vyasa: Please write the name in its entirety. It’s really important for the storyline.
Ganapati raising his trunk: Fine!
Vyasa: I saw that. Don’t you give me the trunk!)

Vichitravirya and Chitrangada were too young to inherit the throne, so Bhishma took up the responsibility and became the interim King. Soon the two boys grew into testosterone driven horny young men. Chitrangada’s life took an unexpected turn when a Gandharva, who coincidentally was also named Chitrangada, challenged him to a battle. The Gandharva despised the fact that a mere mortal was also called Chitrangada. He decided the only way to settle this was with a battle. The winner gets to keep the name.

The battle lasted three years and ended in Satyavati’s son’s death.
Bhishma disclosed the sad news to Satyavati, “Your son is dead and you are to be blamed.”
Satyavati, “How could you say that?”
Bhishma, “Let me just put it this way, the boy I named is not dead.”

And just like that Vichitravirya became the King of Hastinapur. Vichitravirya seemed very disinterested in the Hastinapur politics and had started going for walks by the riverside to clear his mind. Bhishma realized that if he didn’t act soon, Vichitravirya was going to start using his cheesy pick up lines. Bhishma asked Satyavati to keep a close eye on Vichitrvirya while he would go check out the three sisters in Kasi who were of marriageable age.

Bhishma traveled to Kasi and found himself amongst many young suitors who had traveled great distances to meet the three sisters. Apparently the three sisters (Amba, Ambika and Ambalika) were pretty hot. Bhishma’s excitement soon turned into rage when he heard nasty remarks about his presence.
Man 1: “Who is that old man?”
Man 2: “That’s Bhishma. He claims to be a virgin.”
Man 1: “Virgin? Bah! Its all a publicity stunt.”
Man 3: “I’ve heard he is gay.”
Bhishma was enraged: “Listen you no good gossipmongers. There is no shame in being a virgin and I am not gay!”

(Ganapati: Do I sense some personal anguish here?
Vyasa: That’s ridiculous! I am very popular. Girls love my six-pack. May I add that it wouldn’t hurt you to go to the gym? Look at that tummy.
Ganapati: So a virgin huh?)

Bhishma announced: “I challenge everybody here. If you are man enough, stop me from taking these three sisters to Hastinapur”.
Most people were too stunned to react to this daylight abduction or they were just plain chicken. There was only one man who accepted the challenge. His name was King Salva and he was the secret lover of Amba. Unfortunately for Amba, her knight in shining armor did not pull through and was defeated by Bhishma. Amba was taken to Hastinapur along with her sisters.

Vichitravirya’s joy knew no bounds. He was drowned in visions of foursomes. This was the first royal wedding that was about to take place in a palace instead of some riverbank. Hastinapur went all out in preparing for the royal wedding. On the day of the wedding Amba decided to speak her mind to Bhishma.
Amba: “I know you are super excited about the wedding and all but I need to say this. I love somebody else. I love Salva.”
Bhishma: “That loser?”
Amba: “Atleast he came there in person to win me over.”
Bhishma: “I will talk this over with Vichitravirya.”

Amba waits for the verdict as Bhishma goes into Vichitravirya’s room. After a momentary silence Vichitravirya says, “I can deal with that. I am okay with threesomes. Amba can go marry Salva.”
And just like that Vichitravirya married Ambika and Ambalika. Meanwhile Amba set out on a journey to meet King Salva. After a long hard journey she finally arrived at the palace of King Salva.
Amba: “Honey I am home.”
Salva: “What are you doing here?”
Amba: “I convinced Bhishma to let me marry you. So here I am.”
Salva: “I can’t marry you. I am already known as the loser who got his ass kicked by a 60-year-old virgin. Please don’t make it worse. Go back to Hastinapur.”
Amba furiously: “Well I hope you can live with the ‘lame in the sack’ title, cause I will be interviewing with Hastinapur Times as soon as I get there.”

Amba went back to Hastinapur.
Amba: “Viru darling, I am back.”
Vichitravirya: “I am sorry dear, besides three is mind-blowing and four would probably kill me.”
Amba curses: “Bleeeeeep.” Walks over to Bhishma’s room.
Amba: “Bhishma baby, come on, we all know about the cold showers you take. How about we get married? You go kick Salva’s ass once more and take over his kingdom. We can live happily ever after.”
Bhishma: “I am sorry but you are not my type.”

Amba could not bear the triple rejection. Overcome by fury she cursed: “Bhishma you call yourself a virgin when you just screwed me over? I vow to return the favor by screwing your happiness too.”
And just like that Amba enrolled for weapons training in a military camp.

(To be continued...)

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