Sugar rush

What’s with women and chocolate?

A question that has plagued mankind for centuries…okay fine it has plagued my mind ever since I have started writing my thesis. (Now you know how well my thesis writing is going).

To answer the question, I started with some literature searches and within no time this mystery was history. This is what I found. (Puts on nerd glasses). I would like to draw your attention to the nursery rhyme “what are girls made of?” page 9, paragraph 2.

I quote the poem below:
What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs' tails;
That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice, and everything nice;
That's what little girls are made of.

(On a side note, the first paragraph is pretty mean.)

So now that we know that girls are made of part sugar, it’s only natural that we need refills. Brilliant!
Intruder: “Er…sorry to interject but as an avid reader of t-shirts and bumper stickers I have to ask this. If girls are made of sugar and spice, why do they taste like tuna fish?”
Me (jaw dropped): “You sir are a very sick man! Here is my number. Call me.”

As I was saying, girls have to constantly look for a source of sugar. And God knows you don’t have to be made of sugar to indulge in a delightful fat and sugar ecstasy. For those of you who claim that you don’t have a sweet tooth, I have two words for you: Krispy Kreme. You can get all sorts of doughnuts there but my favorite is the no bells and whistles, original glazed.

They say you never forget your first. Before Krispy Kreme I believed a doughnut is a doughnut. They are all the same. Boy was I wrong. One bite and I was floored. It was a delectable sugar meltdown tuned to perfection. Packed with 200 calories and 2 grams of fat, the doughnut was a passport to food heaven. That’s right WAS. Those sick bastards!

It happened last month. Like an unsuspecting victim I was vegetating on the couch watching TV in a zombie like state when suddenly I heard Krispy Kreme.
Me: “I’m awake I’m awake.”
That’s when it came…the cruel inhuman devastating blow. I saw it on the local news last month.
“All the Krispy Kreme outlets in our city have been shut down”, the news reporter announced calmly.
Me (nervous laughter): “Ha ha. Very funny. This is a joke right?”
The reporter continued in a baritone voice, “…the reason for closing the business…”
Me: “It’s not funny anymore. You need to shut your dill hole now channel 13!”
Reporter: “…to cut their losses.”
Me (shuddering): “Krispy Kreme no more?”

I quickly went through the 5 stages of grief in the next 5 minutes:
Denial: “This is bullpoo. I don’t believe it”
Anger: “The abomination! Curse you channel 13. Beep beep beep beep”
Bargaining: “Why did they take away all of the outlets? One would’ve been fine… I would’ve worked with one.”
Depression: “I have lost my will to live.”
Acceptance: “Oh how I will miss you glazed ecstasy. I should’ve known better… it was too good to last.”

As I wallowed in sorrow, feeling as empty as a doughnut hole, it struck me.

In a moment of Zen I said, “Doh! This is nuts.”

Me: “Krispy Kreme ran out of business? That does not make any sense.”

That’s when I realized what this was all about. Folks I put my very life in danger as I lead you to truth. This, my friends is a full blown government conspiracy.

I mean think about it, how could Krispy Kreme run out of business? I mean how stupid do they think we are? First came the weapons of mass destruction (we let that pass), then came the war on terror (we let that pass) and now they tell us Krispy Kreme ran out of business. This has gone too far.”

Adding insult to injury here is a link to a recent article on CNN. http://edition.cnn.com/2006/BUSINESS/08/08/krispykreme.hk/

Going out of business my foot!

Must bring back our preciouses…must eat them…must go into sugar coma…must bring Krispy Kreme back to our cholesterol deprived arteries.

Its war people!