Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Rishyasringa (Part four)

Meanwhile in Anga, at another boring meeting.
Courtier 1:"Do you know what this meeting is for?"
Courtier 2:"Nope, as usual I got the last minute pigeon. I mean how am I supposed to get any work done with these stupid meetings?"
Courtier 1:"All I know is that I am not being paid enough for all this overtime."
Courtier 3:"I heard that lately the Queen has been on King's case. You know, the whole...'you are getting out of shape and go to the gym' stuff."
Courtier 2:"Women! They are all the same."
Courtier 3:"So the King calls these 7 am meetings, even on weekends to get out of gym."
Courtier 2:"Why that fat ass."
King:"Alright minister, lets commence the meeting. Minister?"
Minister: Snoring
Courtier 5 taps on minister's shoulder.
Minister sleep talks: "Not tonight honey."
Courtier 5 shakes minister vigorously.
Minister wakes up and grins sheepishly.
King: "Whats the latest on Booty squad?"
Security advisor: "The last message said, the mouse has taken bait."
Dumbass:"Okay we got to focus here, we are talking about the squad progress not mice."
Security advisor (in a irritated tone):"Thats a code you moron."
Dumbass mumbles:"Whatever, jerk."
Minister: "Anyhoo, there is a problem that I foresee with the mission."
Smartass: Cough cough.
Minister: "Oh alright, Smartass thinks we need to figure out a way to escape the inevitable wrath of Vibhandaka."
King:"And why is Vibhandaka pissed?"
Minister:"Oh he will be, after his son betrays him and elopes with the Booty squad. On top of that his son is going to use Vibhandaka's connections in the water department. Our calculations show that there is a very high probability of shit hitting the fan."
Courtier 2: "What if Vibhandaka accidently dies a gruesome death?"
Smartass: "Thats too boring and predictable. In fact, I have a better idea."
Smartass narrates his plan.
King: "Well....alright. You do realise that if this does not work, its your ass on the line?"
Smartass: "Oh fuck, I didn't see that coming. Booty Queen was right, you never know how, when and where you might get screwed...and not in a good way."
King:"Talking about screwing, I gotta get going."

Back in the Jungle.
Booty Fool: "Its been 4 days and the old fart is not budging. I can't give Rishya a booty call if Dad does not leave the cottage."
Booty Queen: "Don't worry, I took care of it. Dad will totally leave the cottage today."
As if on cue, Vibhandaka hurriedly heads into the jungle.
Booty Squad:"Woah!"
Booty Queen: "Last night I added a little something to the happy potion."
Booty Fool:"What did you put in there?"
Booty Queen: "You don't want to go there girlfriend."
Booty Fool:"I have so much to learn from you Q."
Booty Queen: "Booty Fool, you can like kiss my ass later. Now be a bad girl and go seduce Rishya. This time take him somewhere away from the cottage."
Booty Fool:"Awesome, let me grab the red thongs and I will be on my way."
Booty Queen: "Alright, listen up bitches, as soon as the love birds hit the road we snoop around the cottage."
Booty squad: "Like what exactly are we looking for?"
Booty Queen: "I got a pigeon from Smartass with new mission orders. Here read them."
Booty squad gasps:"Like oh my gawd!! But how could that be?"
Booty Queen: "Men! They are all the same."

End of Part four.

(To be continued...)

Monday, August 29, 2005

Rishyasringa (Part three)

Dad returns to find most of the chores unfinished.
Dad: "There better be a good explanation for the apparent slacking."
Rishyasringa : "Dad, I have been thinking I am old enough to get out on my own. You know explore the world, build my own cottage."
Dad roars with laughter: "Oh you are serious? Ahem...well, I am sorry son but your GPA clearly shows that you need to focus on your studies and believe me there is a lot of room for improvement."
Rishyasringa: "I am tired of being judged by you. I think I am quite capable of supporting myself by offering private tuitions alone."
Dad now suspicious at the sudden change in attitude, senses that this conversation has something more to it than his son was revealing.
Dad: "Alright son, whats going on here? I want you to first off walk in a straight line for me."
Rishyasringa:"I did not drink your happy potion dad!"
Dad: "Then what is it?"
Rishyasringa exhaling deeply: "I was studying as usual, for the surprise test that you hinted to last night. Suddenly out of nowhere, I was confronted by the most beautiful man I have seen. He made my heart race. I have never felt like this before specially in my happy place."
Dad: "Holy fuck. That was no man! That was a bitch. Either that or my son is a homo."
Eyes his son's pink robe suspiciously.
Rishyasringa:"Okay I can't make any sense of that sentence. First of all what is "fuck" and "homo"? And I am pretty sure that was no bitch, definitely Homo sapien, not Canis familiaris"
Dad asks the son to describe the man he saw.
Dad: "Look son, we need to talk"
Rishyasringa: "Its a little too late for that dad."
Dad:"Alright enough. Now listen to me carefully. That was no man that you saw. That was a woman... the most cunning creature you will meet. She will torture you, never be satisfied with all your efforts.... in short make your life a living hell."
Rishyasringa mumbles:"I don't really see the change of life style for me from what you describe."
Dad: "What was that?"
Rishyasringa:"What was what?"
Dad: "Now go, and work on your grades."
Rishyasringa:"But Daaaaad"
Booty squad eavesdropping.
Booty queen: "My my. Like what have we got here? Totally like a rebel who is well endowed."
Booty fool: "100% bootilicious in my book."
Booty squad: Hoot hoot.
Dad:"Thats the wierdest owl I have ever heard."

End of Part three

(To be continued...)

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Rishyasringa (Part two)

Booty Squad brainstorming in the strategy room.
Booty queen: "Okay lets like consider our options."
Booty fool: "As I see it we have only two options. Its either pink negligee or red thongs. I say we go with the thongs, they always work for me."
Booty queen: "Thats like a totally awesome idea. We can't go wrong with red. What say y'all?"
Booty squad: "Awesome!"
Armed with red thongs the Booty squad embarks on their quest.
Day 1:
Booty fool:"The blue skies, green forests, going into unchartered territories. Awesome."
Day 2:
Booty fool: "Are we there yet?"
Day 3:
Booty fool: "Are we there yet?"
Booty Queen: "If I hear that one more time I swear!!!"
After 4 days of constant whining and traveling , the near exhausted Booty squad finally reaches the hermitage.
Booty queen (getting off the horse):"My booty hurts like a mother."

After getting some Booty sleep, the Squad swiftly moves towards the hermitage.
Booty fool:"Holy cow Vibhandaka is hot! I could've sworn he doesn't look a day older than 20 years."
Booty queen: "Don't be silly. Thats his son, Rishyasringa. And girls we might be in luck. He looks home alone."
Booty fool: "Alright ladies, I am going in and he is going figuratively ofcourse"
Booty queen: "Remember, if Vibhandaka returns, we will warn you by giving the Booty call and you immediately head to safety. Got it?"
Booty fool: "Totally"
Meanwhile Rishyasringa has no idea that it might just be his lucky day. He is reading Chapter 10.2 for the fifth time and falling asleep when he hears a sweet voice.
Booty fool: "Well hello there"
Rishyasringa: Jaw dropped.
Booty fool: "I don't mean to interrupt whatever you were doing."
Rishyasringa: "Huh hullo. My name is Rishyasringa and you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen."
Booty fool giggles and then glances at the pile of books Rishyasringa was reading.
Rishyasringa: "I was just reviewing. Dad likes to give surprise tests and lately my GPA has been falling."
Booty fool: "I was never that good at studies.I wish I was as smart as you."
Rishyasringa: "Its not that difficult. I could give you some private tuitions if you'd like".
Booty fool: "Oh you are naughty".
Booty squad: "Hoot hooot."
Booty fool : God dammit booty call already?
Rishyasringa:"Thats the strangest owl I have heard"
Booty fool:"I got to go."
Rishyasringa:"Wait. I didn't get your name."
Booty fool hugs Rishyasringa and lightly kisses him on his cheek.
Booty fool:"I will see you soon I promise. Bye for now."
Rishyasringa is paralyzed with strange excitement as he sees Booty fool run away in slow motion.

End of Part Two

(To be continued...)

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Rishyasringa (Part one)

Once upon a time there lived a sage named Vibhandaka (aka Dad). He had a son named Rishyasringa (aka Rishyasringa). They lived in the forest, meditating about nothing in particular and collecting roots and fruits (Dad! not salad again). But salad was not even Rishyasringas life's suckiest part. Rishyasringa had never seen a woman, not even his mom (yeah, thanks a lot dad).
Little Rishya: Dad, where did I come from?
Dad: "Umm, I think we are running out of firewood. Go get some firewood. Chop chop."
After awhile, Rishyasringa gave up asking questions. Mebbe his notes on social interactions of Pan troglodytes (Chimps for the non-biology nerds) had something to do with it.

Meanwhile, country of Anga was afflicted with famine.
King of Anga: "Minister, there has been no rain and there is too much bitching going on in the kingdom. We must pretend to do something. Lets have a meeting"
Minister: (Groan) "Excellent idea, your majesty"
At the meeting:
King: "Lets keep this short, I have a skinny dipping session with my mistresses in my royal pool in about 10 mins."
Courtier 1: "We could sell subsidized beer"
King: " Brilliant!"
Minister: "Er...we can't do that, in the last banquet we finished our supplies".
Courtier 2: "How about we import some beer?"
King: "No can do, I don't have the funds, I just renovated my palace what else have you got?"
Courtier 1: "Lets call Vibhandaka. He has connectins with Swarga's water department."
Courtier 3: "I dunno about him, that dude is whacko. He has a short temper. If we piss him off, which we most likely will, he will curse the living gabeegees out of us."
Smartass: "Ya mean begeesus?"
Courtier 3: "Whatever skunk breath".
King:"Okay I have 5 mins and I haven't had any executions in the kingdom recently. So speak."
Smartass: "Hmm...lets see...single father...playing social life...after all these years I am sure he wouldn't mind a little booty action."
King: "Yes, thats it! Send in the booty squad. Talking about booty, I gotta get going."
Minister:"Wow that was the most productive meeting since....oh my gosh, its a first."
Booty squad: "Oh fuck, I didn't see that coming. Girls, we might get screwed here, one way or the other"
Booty queen: "Yeah, like if we don't go, the king slays us and like if we do, Vibhandaka might put a curse on us, or worse we have to like screw him."
Booty fool: " When will my break in the Angallywood come? I am this close on giving up on my acting aspirations."
Booty queen: "Listen up bitches, we need to figure out a scheme to save our collective asses".

End of Part one.

(To be continued...)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Down came the rain

Much had changed in Mumbai in the two years that I was away. The flyovers were a pleasant addition but I was a lil disappointed by the "Americanisation" of Mumbai with cookie cutter malls sprouting up, complete with Mac Donalds. Before I could be too disappointed, down came the rain. The rain lashed the city and transformed Bombay into a sea of trouble. People huddled together for shelter. Much was lost as the city drowned in the sinister pralaya. Saw people come together, forgetting all differences. Heroes arose with the rising tide. I was reminded yet again that Mumbai truly is a resilient city, with a spirit that braves it all.

The itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the water spout
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the spout again.

Salaam Bombay.