Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Sanjaya Malakar conspiracy

(The views and opinions expressed on this website are solely those of the author. This is spoof and only a spoof. People without a sense of humor may experience rage and a strong urge to leave nasty comments. Reader discretion advised.)

The story so far.
Sanjaya Malakar is an American Idol (AI) contestant who sings as badly as Cacofonix in Asterix comics. You can sample his off-key butchering of the song “you really got me” here . But that has not stopped him from being in the top 11 of this season's AI. Don’t give a damn yet? Me neither. But apparently there were a few arguments about the intentions of Sanjaya's supporters. Fight fight fight! (Popcorn kaha hai bhayya?).
O3 takes the stage.
O3: Yakshimas. My name is O3 son of O2 and O1. My hobby is to play kabbadi and fight injustice. You say vavaviva! I say that right. I am onto you desi conspiracy. I know your mentality. You vote for Sanjaya to have a sexy time on idol. It not nice. You Indians is racist. You judge base on color and not what is talent. You are big hippo-crit. I am going to vote for Sanjaya—NOT!
Desi readers: Who is this Sanjaya yaar?
Uberdesi steps onto the podium: Bhailog aur unki behenlog (wink), don’t listen to the self hater O3. O3 does not know what he is talking about. He is making up shit and for that I am going to make him eat his own words (hence make him eat shit). You see unlike O3 I have done my research and found that statistically it is impossible for desis alone to save Sanjaya.
Dazzles readers with fancy diagrams.
Uberdesi: Thus after a thorough research I conclude that the American teenagers are the culprits. For those of you who are still not convinced (although I don’t know how that is possible), I have started my own poll to further validate what has already been validated by me. Behold! The milk and water are about to be separated.
Reader 1: But how do we know this poll is not rigged like the American idol poll?
Uberdesi: Spoken like a true self-hater. I have hard core data and I shall not be proved wrong until I prove me wrong.
Desipundit steps in with a banner: “This fight was sponsored by Desipundit”
Desipundit: This programming will continue after a few words from our expert on racism. Take it away Patrix .
Patrix: What?
Desipundit: Just a few words will do.
Patrix: India to haar gaya. Ab Tendulkar, Agarkar, Malakar kuch nahi kar saktey. India lost the world cup. Who gives a F*** about Idol? Everybody knows that reality TV has nothing to do with reality. BTW there is an all-american site promoting Malakar. Here is a link . Now leave me alone.
Americans: WTF is going on? Sanjaya is still in the race? This is turning into the presidential election. First Bush now Sanjaya! What is America coming to?
Howard Stern the misogynist: You bitches make me laugh. You actually think that you have a say in the AI results? I am the Mogul of the media. This is my domain and I have commanded my faithful followers to lead Sanjaya to victory. In doing so, I will prove that I have the biggest penis in the media industry and I can fuck whoever I want, whenever I want and wherever I want.

Meanwhile at AI...
Sanjaya: Croak croak croak
Simon Cowell : Ryan you are gay.
Ryan Seacrest : You want me to be gay.
Paula Abdul : I believe in you Sanjaya. I believe in your talent. I believe in your voice. In fact I believe I am going to have another drink (hic!).
Token black judge, Randy Jackson : Yo yo! Check this out yo! I really think you can do it yo! But I didn’t feel you tonight dawg! I want to feel you. I want to feel you under my skin. You got to give it to me…you know what I am sayin? Yo yo!
Ryan Seacrest: Just for the record I am not gay!
Keith Olbermann : It has been n+1 days (where n is a ridiculously large number) since the declaration of mission accomplished in Iraq and here are the results of last nights America idol. I am only doing this because my producers are holding me at gunpoint.

Oh the drama!!!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Happy Monday

To boost your creative juices during mundane Monday morning meetings.

Send in the entries via comments or telepathic messages. Winning entry will be inked into the photo.

Winner gets bragging rights. To claim the cash prize contact Another brick in the wall

The winner is @m@r

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Movie review: Hadashi no Gen (Barefoot Gen)

This is the anime that inspired Grave of fireflies (at least according to Wikipedia) though unlike Grave of fireflies, this movie ends on an optimistic note. This movie is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.

The movie is loosely based on author Nakazawa’s memoirs of the war. Nakazawa is a Hiroshima bombing survivor and was in the elementary school first grade when Hiroshima was bombed. He expresses his experience of the war through the main character of the movie, Gen.

In the movie, Gen survives the Hiroshima bombing and is left to deal with the aftermath. Gen struggles to survive and keep his spirit uncrushed while he is surrounded by the harrowing reality of war. After watching the gruesome movies of recent times with fountains of blood spurting from freshly cut jugulars and ruthless mind numbing violence this movie manages to crumble you with a child’s despaired cry.

The movie conveys the tragedy of the bombings in a profound manner. I was moved to tears. I let the pain I felt pickle in my mind instead of running away from it. I wonder if the warmongers would support violence so vehemently if they could have a first person experience of the aftermath.

I highly recommend this genius of a movie.

Also read an interview with Nakazawa

Friday, March 16, 2007

Gravity of the situation hypothetically speaking

Last night I wondered as I always do about what earth would be like if the earth's core cools down? How would the cooling of magma affect life on earth? Would several if not all the species on earth get wiped out? Is it another doomsday scenario? If it is a doomsday scenario where is the movie on it? Turns out there is some movie called 'The Core' which is based on reversal of earth’s magnetic poles. Reversal? They can reverse?!? So I dug up an article on geomagnetic reversal which said that every 200,000 years or so the earth’s magnetic poles switch (Me: WTF?) although the last time it flipped was some 780,000 years ago. So it’s due in a “not in our lifetime” sort of near-distant future (nobody knows when exactly). But the scientists assure us that it’s not a big deal since humanity has survived the last reversal (as Borat would put it, that’s a relief…not!). Every time I discover a novel concept, writer, musician or artist and I get excited to share it with my friends I am greeted with, “yeah I already knew that”. Well why didn’t you ever mention it before then smartass? Party poopers!

But anyway, I will focus on the question I started with or it will turn into a 100 different tangents far from where we began like my thesis project. Since my knowledge of physics and geology is rudimentary at best, I asked a couple of enlightened souls to speculate. The speculation began with both my sources agreeing on one of the consequences being that the magnetic poles would cease to exist. In other words there would be no North Pole or South Pole magnetically speaking. So I began to wonder how that would impact life on earth. Being a biologist, the first thing that popped into my head was that the migratory birds would get screwed. Sinister possibilities like earth radiated and fried by cosmic rays did not pass my mind. I was busy thinking about life without working compasses and GPS based navigation system. I was still deducing the perils of living in a magnet-less society while my non-biologist sources had moved onto questions like would earth’s gravity be the same?

So no poles, what about gravity? What would be the impact of magma cooling on earth’s gravity? For occurrence of change in earth’s gravity, there has to be a change in mass because mass and gravity are somehow related (don’t ask me how but if you know how do tell).

When the magma cools there may be changes in its density. Which means that when the magma was in its hot liquid form, the molecules had more space to be in but as it cools and solidifies there are more molecules in lesser space (or less molecules in more space like ice?) hence the change in density (no. of molecules in a defined space). Phew!

So an important factor determining the density of the magma would be volume and there would be two scenarios available for the magma:
(1) Solid crust scenario: the earth’s crust is rigid enough to keep the volume available for magma expansion/condensation a constant.
(2) Elastic crust scenario: the magma will not be restricted by earth’s crust during the cooling process which means volume is not a constant.

We were not completely sure about which of these two scenarios are more likely to occur so we explored both.

The debate in the solid crust scenario was whether there would be a change in a mass (and therefore gravity) of the earth when the volume is a constant.
Caution: Equation ahead.
To address the possibility of a change in mass of the magma, the following equation comes in handy,
Density =Mass/Volume
Wow! I didn’t think I would ever need to refer to that equation after I graduated but here we are.
So, if the volume remains constant due to the earth’s restrictive crust and the density of the magma changes due to the cooling process, would the mass have to change to satisfy the equation? Would that change gravity? Does that equation even apply here? Even though the equation suggests there will be a change in mass, where is this change in mass of the earth coming from. In other words, we had ‘X’ amount of magma and ‘Y’ amount of crust, mantle and other stuff the earth is made of. After cooling we still have the same amount of mass. Unless now I will be directed to some complicated thermodynamics equation where the energy transfer needs to be factored in or some such jazz I will continue assuming thermodynamics will not be crashing this party.

Okay. So to continue on the “mass should not change” line of thought, one of the sources proposed a thought experiment. Imagine there is a closed glass container which is half filled with liquid. The glass does not expand/contract by the temperature of the liquid and it is suspended in nothingness like earth. While this analogy of a glass that does not expand or contract was being constructed to better understand the impact of magma cooling on earth’s mass, I went back to a memory of a physics class in school. The biggest turn off for me in physics was that the lessons started with some arbitrary assumptions for no apparent reason. It would begin with sentences like, ‘imagine a weightless, frictionless piston’. I would never get past this ‘imagine weightless frictionless piston’ line. First of all there is no such thing and secondly why are we imagining this imaginary piston? But before I could get past that thought the teacher would have moved on to some complex sleep inducing equation derivation which would comatose my interest completely. But here I was imagining imaginary glasses that don’t expand or contract according to the liquid in them. Anyhow, getting back to the magma story, the glass container would restrict the volume and the liquid would change density as it cools but the mass would remain the same (the closed container avoids loss of liquid by evaporation and there is no condensation on the exterior of the glass container as it is suspended in vacuum). But what about the air in the empty part of the glass or is that irrelevant? Sources had to get back to work so will ponder on this with me tomorrow.

Moving on to elastic crust scenario, the crust accommodates for the changes in volume as magma condenses. So the earth will end up shrinking (or expanding?) and this would result in a change in volume but not in mass. But there would be a change in the center of gravity perhaps? At this point one source wandered out trying to figure out how gravity is calculated. The remaining source concluded that we would no longer be walking perpendicular to the surface but rather at an angle…matrix style. Back problems anyone? Needless to say Kamasutra will be updated. The discussions about the disappearance of earth’s electromagnetic shield resulting in increased cosmic radiation, ozone depletion and such were left for another day as I wandered off imagining the various amusing sexual positions possible.

On a side note: I hope that this biologist’s venture into a physicist’s domain will be a frictionless ordeal.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Ba-bull (Rated F for frustrating)

Curse you “Academy of motion pictures” for recommending this movie to me. I should’ve looked at the reviews on to temper my expectations before renting out this movie. I write this review to warn readers and lower their expectations if they ever decide to watch Babel. For those of you who have already suffered through it I am sorry I couldn’t get this review to you any earlier.

First of all stop making movies that don’t have story lines that go in a chronological order. Memento was awesome but after that it just got annoying. In addition to the chronological distortion this movie follows 3 stories. My suggestion here is, pick one story…preferably the one with Brad Pitt and explore it instead of bombarding the audience with bits from 3 stories like water drops of a Chinese torture tactic. I followed the catastrophic developments in the movie only to be left with questions like what did the Japanese girl write in the note she gave to the cop? Did the cop that got shot by the kid in Morocco survive? Why did I rent out this movie?

Sparks of profundity gets lost in unnecessary images of Cate Blanchett peeing and incoherent time travel. But the most disappointing thing of all was that not once did Brad Pitt remove his shirt. I mean come on! They are trapped in the middle of the desert with no air-conditioning. It is only natural that Brad Pitt goes topless. If not the desert heat then the desperation of the character would make him rip his shirt in frustration. I don’t know what the writers were thinking. I mean here was an opportunity to explore Brad Pitt’s abs…er character and they abandon that only to explore some Asian school girl fantasy. Bunch of perverts! And then they want us to buy that a pussy flashing school girl can’t find a horny teenager to have sex with? The script is totally unrealistic. I give it two thumbs, two middle fingers and six toes down.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Chapter 7: The Return of the Living Dead

Vyasa walks into his cottage and finds Ganapati busting a move oblivious to Vyasa.
Ganapati (G): I have a big trunk and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny...
Vyasa (V): Still up to your old antics.
G grins: Hee caught me there. So are we going to kick some Rakshas butt today?
V: Will we ever! Ready?
G: You know I am.
V: (blank)
Crickets chirping.
G: Anytime today.
V: Alright alright. I see it in my head now. It is all coming together. This will be a story about the eternal struggle between good and evil. It will be a super action dhamaka thriller.
G (throwing punches in the air with his trunk): Action dhamaka! My favorite.
V: All the key elements for a super duper hit will come together. There will be romance, murder, magic and possibly incest.
G: Woah! Incest?!
V: I am an artist ahead of my time G.

G: All I have to say is that Vanar Sena will be pissed. If you publish this they will burn down all the papyrus stores. It is not worth it.
V: Yeah the Vanar Sena. I feel like I am living on a planet of apes.
G: Good movie though.
V: What?
G: Oh it hasn't been made yet.
V: Okaaay! So back to the story. The war between Devas and Asuras had taken a toll on the Devas. Although the carnage was gruesome in both camps, Asuras possessed a weapon that made it impossible for the Devas to get an upper hand. The Asuras had Sukracharya who had obtained a PhD in Sanjivaniology.
G: Sanjivaniology?
V: I just made that word up...pretty cool huh. And with the knowledge of Sanjivaniology, Sukracharya could get people back from the dead. So the Asuras were immortal as long as Sukracharya was with them.
G: So the Devas send an assassin to kill Sukracharya?
V: Even better. The Devas send a handsome beau to woo Sukracharya's daughter Devyani in the hopes of learning Sukracharya's secret. The brave young fellow who takes up this task is called Kacha. G what are you scribbling?
G: I was making a pronunciation key for Kacha so that people don't confuse it with Kacha as in raw?
V: Oh okay. Sukracharya accepts Kacha as a graduate student and as all graduate students do, Kacha ends up running errands for his advisor for the next few years. In a couple of dance sequences Devyani falls in love with Kacha's charming ways. Meanwhile the Asuras get suspicious of Kacha's intentions and decide to take matters in their own hands. The Asuras set out to murder Kacha. On a crisp misty morning when Kacha was out in the fields where Sukracharya's cattle grazed on grass, the Asuras slit Kacha's throat, then skinned him and chopped the body into bite size pieces and then fed those bite sized pieces to the dogs.
G: Good God Vyasa!
V: They are Asuras. You have to make the audience hate them. Besides violence in media is totally acceptable but God forbid you show them a nipple.
G: Hee hee.
V: Anyway so the dogs eat all of Kacha's body. Devyani waits all day for Kacha's return. At nightfall she finally breaks down and pleads with her father to go looking for Kacha. The Asuras cannot keep secrets well and Sukracharya figures out that Kacha is dead. So Sukracharya performs rituals and brings Kacha back from the dead. The Asuras are disappointed with Sukracharya's success and decide to kill Kacha again and dispose of his body in some other way. This time they pound Kacha's body into pulp and then grind it into a paste and dump it in the ocean.
G: I think I am going to be sick.
V: But Sukracharya is so far advanced in Sanjivaniology that he manages to bring Kacha back to life. The Asuras come up with a bolder plan.
G: Third time's a charm I hope to God.
V: This time the Asuras burn Kacha's body to ashes and then mix it in wine which they then serve Sukracharya.
G: This is really sick.
V: Sssh don't break my flow of thought. Devyani pleads with her dad again after she realizes that Kacha is dead and her dad relents to his daughter's incessant pleading. When Sukracharya starts performing the rituals his stomach starts expanding and soon he realizes that Kacha is trapped inside his stomach. At this point Sukracharya tells Devyani that he might have to pay with his life to bring Kacha back from the dead. Devyani cries inconsolably and tells her dad that she could not bear to live without either of them.
G: Wait a minute so when the Asuras feed Kacha's dead body to the dogs what happens to the dogs?
V: Yeah the dogs don't make it.
G (whimpers): The dogs die?
V: Well okay they don't, Sukracharya gets them back to life. Happy?
G: I just don't like doggies dying.
V: Moving on. So now the only way for both Kacha and Sukracharya to survive is teach Kacha Sanjivaniology.
G: Why doesn’t he pass on his secret to Devyani instead?
V: Duh! Devyani is a woman.
G: That is so sexist.
V: Hey I don't make the rules. That’s how society works. So back to the story… Sukracharya shares his guarded secret with Kacha and Kacha then tears open Sukracharya's stomach and crawls out of it surrounded by fountains of blood sprouting every which way from Sukracharya’s body. Kacha now drenched in a blood bath, lies on the ground besides Sukracharya's limp body which resembles a road kill with guts spilled out. Awesomely gruesome!
G: Yeah I don't think I am going to eat dinner tonight.
V: Then Kacha does his first Sanjivaniology experiment and passes with flying colors. It's what we researchers call beginner's luck and needless to say Sukracharya was one lucky bastard. Asuras run out of ideas and stop their murderous ploys. Finally it is graduation day for Kacha and Devyani decides to ask Kacha to marry her. Devyani is horrified to hear Kacha say that technically she is like a sister to him because he was reborn from her father's stomach. So he can't possible marry her because every time they would have sex it would be incest and incest is morally wrong.
G: What no incest?
V: Yeah I figured I had enough violence in the story to appall people. Instigating Vanar Sena will be overkill.
G: Okay I am off now. Your stories are getting too gruesome for my taste.