Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Answers to some burning questions

Q. What is CCSL?
A. CCSL = Contextual Contemporarization of Sacred Lore.
As a devout Hindu I felt it was my moral duty to popularize my rich culture and tradition. When I read the Mahabharata I quickly realised that Vyasa had much more to offer than the drab G-rated story offered on tele-series. I therefore took it upon myself to rekindle the rich traditions and morals expounded in such a well crafted and tantalizing way. Ladies and gentlemen I present "CCSL". I should admit that I have toned down the sexual explicitness here, but the original is always available. This is an effort to bring the original Mahabharata back to the bookshelves. Jai Hind. Jai Maharashtra.

Q. What is your resource for this series?
A. I refer to Mahabharata by C. Rajagopalachari as one of the main references. I brought this book back with me from my recent trip to India and as I read it I realised that this was a great spoof opportunity so I grabbed it. You can read this book in its entirety at Mahabharata . Other references come from online resources.

Q. Is the plot for your series identical to the original?
I use the original plot extensively but sometimes I make changes for the sake of humor or just creative liberties. For example, in this series Chitrangada is the younger brother while in the original he is the older brother. Another example is Amba gets a business card instead of a garland.

Q. Are there any other mythology series that you have written?
Yes. The Rishyasringa series which is also part of the Mahabharata in the book. This was my first jab at spoofing. Please refer to the sidebar for links.

Q. Can I link your post on my website?
Sure. Blogroll me, link me…all that jazz. The more the merrier. Please don't copy the entire blog and repost it elsewhere. Thanks.

Q. Have you read the Great Indian Novel by Shashi Tharoor?
No, I haven’t had the chance yet. I intend to read it as soon as I am done with this series because it has been highly recommended by readers and friends.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Chapter 5: The very secret diary of Amba

Princess Amba's diary

Day 1: I can’t believe Ambika and Ambalika are not getting cold feet for the swayamvara. How can they not worry about getting hitched to the blind date that wins at some stupid skill game that your father comes up with?
Day 2: Thinking of breaking up with Salva. I am tired of his commitment phobia.
Day 4: The palace is packed with stud muffins. I am having increasing second thoughts about Salva.
Day 5: I can’t believe that the 60-year-old virgin has decided to show up. He probably realized its better to be laid than never.
Day 6: My sisters and I have been kidnapped by the pervy virgin. Virgin….ha! He is always staring at Ambalika’s boobs.
Day 7: I cannot believe that Salva got his ass kicked by this old man. I don’t know which is better…an old fart or a young coward.
Day 8: Ambika has been motion sick. Friggin chariot ride is getting to me too.
Day 9: Reached pervy’s hometown…stupid Hastinapur. I thought being kidnapped was going to be the worst part of the ordeal. Turns out I will be Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day 10: I can’t take this anymore. All my sisters care about are the wedding plans. I am missing Salva’s hot bod. So what if he got his ass kicked? Atleast he tried to rescue me. I am going to take it up with the virgin and go back to Salva.
Day 11: I can’t believe Vichitra agreed to let me go that quickly. Am I not good enough for him? Maybe Ambalika was right about the boob job.
Day 12: On my way to Salva’s kingdom. At last I will be united with my hunkadelic heartthrob.
Day 13: Salva downright rejected me. That punk! I am going to interview with the Hastinapur times and tell them he is lame in the sack. How dare he?
Day 14: Going back to stupid Hastinapur. I hate the goddamn chariot ride.
Day 15: Can’t believe I am actually going to become Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day16: What is going on? Vichitra had the nerve to reject my proposal? When was the last time he was proposed to by a woman? I mean really…are big boobs that important?
Day 17: Lo and behold the masterplan. It’s the most logical thing to do. I can dethrone Salva and Vichitra in one move. I am going to marry the virgin. I will then convince him to defeat Salva and take his kingdom and then our kids can be the rightful heirs of Hastinapur. Cheque and mate baby.
Day 18: Un-fucking-believable! I have officially reached the lowest low. The virgin has rejected me. My master plan fell flat on its face. Three rejections in a row…I am going to need some serious therapy.
Day 19: I am wandering around in the jungle aimlessly. Have discovered some interesting mushrooms.
Day 384: Got a pigeon declaring that both my sisters are knocked up. Great!
Day 386: Met a defense attorney…Mr. Parsuram. He thought I have a great shot at a lawsuit. I have decided to sue the virgin’s ass. Hired Parsuram as my defense lawyer.
Day 387: The court trial begins.
Day 624: Got a pigeon declaring my sisters delivered. Still waiting for the goddamn jury selection to begin.
Day 728: Jury selection begins.
Day 740: We have charged the virgin with one count of kidnapping and 3 counts of mental torture. Parsuram kicked some serious ass in the court today.
Day 743: Virgin and his lawyer were such cocky bastards. His lawyer did not give a defense argument. His only words were, “Bhishma is not guilty.” I can’t wait to take my victory lap.
Day 744: My heart skipped a beat when the jury gave its verdict. They thought it was an open and shut case. On account of being a man, Bhishma was found not guilty on all charges. What’s more….they asked me to stop my belligerent behavior and fined me 100 gold bricks to compensate Bhishma for the legal fees.” Stupid Parsuram. Now I am bankrupt.
Day 750: I am hungry, horny and broke. Screw the legal bureaucracy. I am hiring an assassin for a Bhishma free world.
Day 780: They say the 6-faced Subrahmanya is the man to meet. From the name I am guessing he is a master of disguise.
Day 785: Turns out 6-faced is not a master of disguise after all. He just had 6 plastic surgeries. Could not afford him. He took pity on me and gave me his business card. He said if I recruit someone to his company he would seal the deal with me.
Day 820: It turns out I am no good at getting men to do anything for me. Ambalika was right about the boob job. I am going to plea King Drupada as a last resort. If this doesn’t work I am officially giving up.
Day 840: Where have all the real men gone? I stuck 6-faced’s business card on Drupada’s door to remind him what a coward he is. I changed the address on the card to a location where I will bury this diary. If you are reading this diary I hope you are the champion that I spend my life looking for. I have failed to take my revenge and have become a mushroom addict.
Day 842: Blue yellow red bubbles floating everywhere. Adjfnioa. Adnfdhfi.
Day 890: Mushrooms…adfnasdoif…..
Day 913: Got arrested trying to sell mushrooms.
Day 920: Can’t take this anymore. I have decided to end my miserable life. Good-bye cruel world.

(This chapter was tailored to the writing style of the hilarious VSD series authored by Cassandra Claire. To read the VSD series go here )

(To be continued...)


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Chapter 4: Meet the Focker

Vichitravirya’s honeymoon did not go very smoothly. It felt like a horrible day of playing golf. There were one too many holes to go and the equipment was malfunctioning. Ambika consoled him, “Just look at it this way honey. It can only get better.” To their dismay, it got worse. It turned out that Vichitravirya was firing blanks. Some say he died of performance anxiety. Others say, “Who cares?”
Satyavati was now in a fix. With the tragic events in the family Bhishma was the King again. Satyavati was concerned about the inheritance of the throne. She approached Bhishma about the matter.
Satyavati: “I am not happy with the way things are shaping out. I want my grandson to be the rightful owner of the throne.”
Bhishma: “Er…there is just one problem with that. You don’t have a grandson.”
Satyavati: “Stop being a smartass. I am aware of that and I have a fix. I am expecting a visitor.”
Bhishma: “What the…oh my… are you pregnant? Who is he? I am going to kick his ass.”
Satyavati: “Calm down. I am not pregnant. But there is something you need to know. Why don’t you sit down and have a glass of water first?”
Bhishma: “Oh come on. I think I can handle it.”
Satyavati: “Alright. This happened before I met your father. I was by the riverside, you know doing my own thing and out of nowhere I met this hot young man.”
(Ganapati: “What’s up with all these hook ups by the riverside?”
Vyasa: “There weren’t any clubs yet.”)
Satyavati: “He was the most kind and generous man I ever met. Did I mention he looked hot? (Sigh!) Anyway, he was always buying me stuff from Chandramukhi’s secret like perfumes and red lacy…”
Bhishma: “Good God woman! Please spare me the details. Just stick to the highlights.”
Satyavati: “Oh alright. Long story short we made out and I had a son.”
Bhishma: “What? I mean WHAT?”
Satyavati: “Here we go…take long deep breaths….”
Bhishma (sitting down): “Woah woah woah. You weren’t a virgin when you married my father? Dad was fine with that?”
Satyavati: “Don’t be silly. Your Dad didn’t know.”
Bhishma: “But that’s impossible. I know my Dad was not the smartest cookie. But even I would’ve caught that you weren’t a virgin and I have never even done it.”
Satyavati: “Obviously you haven’t heard about reconstructive surgery. I had one.”
Bhishma: “Good lord! I think I’ll have the water now.”
Satyavati: “Do you want me to continue or do you need some recovery time?”
Bhishma: “I may regret this but carry on. Where is this son?”
Satyavati: “His name is Veda Vyasa. He is a brilliant man and would be happy to offer his services if needed. Frankly I don’t see any other alternative.”
(Ganapati: Ahem!
Vyasa: What?
Ganapati: You are telling me that this part of the story has nothing to do with the conversation we had yesterday about your virginity?
Vyasa: Ofcourse not! And for the last time I am NOT a virgin.
Ganapati: Okaaaay. Then tell me about this Vyasa character, does he get to sleep around?
Vyasa: This is my book and my story!
Ganapati grins widely.)
Bhishma: “Alright I guess. It’s worth a shot.”
Satyavati: “If he is anything like his father, trust me this will work.”
Bhishma: “Will you stop with the unnecessary details already?”
Vyasa rushes to Hastinapur as soon as he receives Satyavati’s pigeon mail. As the first order of things to do, Satyavati introduces her son to her daughters-in-law.
Satyavati: “Girls this is my son Vyasa. You can thank me later.”
Vyasa: “Hello ladies. I have a big package for you. (Wink wink).”
Sisters: Groan.
That night Vyasa shows up in the sisters’ room wearing a robe that says, ‘the man (up arrow) the legend (down arrow)’. Vyasa made the best of the opportunity he had in Hastinapur before heading back to the forest. In his stay, he had threesomes with the sisters and also got jiggy with a maid on the side. And just like that Ambika, Ambalika and the maid became pregnant.
Vyasa: Go me!
After two months of morning sickness, 20 pounds in weight gain, nine months of extreme uncomfort and 12 hours of excruciating pain, Ambalika and Ambika eagerly wait in the delivery room to hold their babies for the first time.
Satyavati: “Girls, I have some good news for you and some bad news for you.”
Ambika: “Let’s get over with the bad news.”
Satyavati: “Ambika your son is blind. The only reasonable explanation for this is that you closed your eyes when you conceived him. Ambalika, your son is an albino. Let me guess, you turned pale with fear when you conceived him?”
Sisters grin sheepishly.
Ambalika: “Well… so what’s the good news?”
Satyavati: “I saved a bunch of money on my chariot insurance by switching to Kaayko.”
Sisters: Groan.
No points for guessing which kid was named Pandu (whitey). The blind baby was named Dhritarashtra. The maid gave birth to a healthy baby boy as a result of not contorting her face in any manner and named him Vidura.
(Ganapati: May I say that your knowledge of biology is pretty screwed up.
Vyasa: I have a feeling that this is going to be a painfully long ordeal.)

(To be continued...)

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Chapter 3: Bride and prejudice

Satyavati had put a ban on Santanu’s walks by the riverside. Some say he died of frustration, others say he died of old age. Chitrangada and Vichitravirya…

(Ganapati: Here on known as Ranga and Vichu.
Vyasa: Can’t you do a find and replace?
Ganapati: Can’t you choose smaller names?
Vyasa: Please write the name in its entirety. It’s really important for the storyline.
Ganapati raising his trunk: Fine!
Vyasa: I saw that. Don’t you give me the trunk!)

Vichitravirya and Chitrangada were too young to inherit the throne, so Bhishma took up the responsibility and became the interim King. Soon the two boys grew into testosterone driven horny young men. Chitrangada’s life took an unexpected turn when a Gandharva, who coincidentally was also named Chitrangada, challenged him to a battle. The Gandharva despised the fact that a mere mortal was also called Chitrangada. He decided the only way to settle this was with a battle. The winner gets to keep the name.

The battle lasted three years and ended in Satyavati’s son’s death.
Bhishma disclosed the sad news to Satyavati, “Your son is dead and you are to be blamed.”
Satyavati, “How could you say that?”
Bhishma, “Let me just put it this way, the boy I named is not dead.”

And just like that Vichitravirya became the King of Hastinapur. Vichitravirya seemed very disinterested in the Hastinapur politics and had started going for walks by the riverside to clear his mind. Bhishma realized that if he didn’t act soon, Vichitravirya was going to start using his cheesy pick up lines. Bhishma asked Satyavati to keep a close eye on Vichitrvirya while he would go check out the three sisters in Kasi who were of marriageable age.

Bhishma traveled to Kasi and found himself amongst many young suitors who had traveled great distances to meet the three sisters. Apparently the three sisters (Amba, Ambika and Ambalika) were pretty hot. Bhishma’s excitement soon turned into rage when he heard nasty remarks about his presence.
Man 1: “Who is that old man?”
Man 2: “That’s Bhishma. He claims to be a virgin.”
Man 1: “Virgin? Bah! Its all a publicity stunt.”
Man 3: “I’ve heard he is gay.”
Bhishma was enraged: “Listen you no good gossipmongers. There is no shame in being a virgin and I am not gay!”

(Ganapati: Do I sense some personal anguish here?
Vyasa: That’s ridiculous! I am very popular. Girls love my six-pack. May I add that it wouldn’t hurt you to go to the gym? Look at that tummy.
Ganapati: So a virgin huh?)

Bhishma announced: “I challenge everybody here. If you are man enough, stop me from taking these three sisters to Hastinapur”.
Most people were too stunned to react to this daylight abduction or they were just plain chicken. There was only one man who accepted the challenge. His name was King Salva and he was the secret lover of Amba. Unfortunately for Amba, her knight in shining armor did not pull through and was defeated by Bhishma. Amba was taken to Hastinapur along with her sisters.

Vichitravirya’s joy knew no bounds. He was drowned in visions of foursomes. This was the first royal wedding that was about to take place in a palace instead of some riverbank. Hastinapur went all out in preparing for the royal wedding. On the day of the wedding Amba decided to speak her mind to Bhishma.
Amba: “I know you are super excited about the wedding and all but I need to say this. I love somebody else. I love Salva.”
Bhishma: “That loser?”
Amba: “Atleast he came there in person to win me over.”
Bhishma: “I will talk this over with Vichitravirya.”

Amba waits for the verdict as Bhishma goes into Vichitravirya’s room. After a momentary silence Vichitravirya says, “I can deal with that. I am okay with threesomes. Amba can go marry Salva.”
And just like that Vichitravirya married Ambika and Ambalika. Meanwhile Amba set out on a journey to meet King Salva. After a long hard journey she finally arrived at the palace of King Salva.
Amba: “Honey I am home.”
Salva: “What are you doing here?”
Amba: “I convinced Bhishma to let me marry you. So here I am.”
Salva: “I can’t marry you. I am already known as the loser who got his ass kicked by a 60-year-old virgin. Please don’t make it worse. Go back to Hastinapur.”
Amba furiously: “Well I hope you can live with the ‘lame in the sack’ title, cause I will be interviewing with Hastinapur Times as soon as I get there.”

Amba went back to Hastinapur.
Amba: “Viru darling, I am back.”
Vichitravirya: “I am sorry dear, besides three is mind-blowing and four would probably kill me.”
Amba curses: “Bleeeeeep.” Walks over to Bhishma’s room.
Amba: “Bhishma baby, come on, we all know about the cold showers you take. How about we get married? You go kick Salva’s ass once more and take over his kingdom. We can live happily ever after.”
Bhishma: “I am sorry but you are not my type.”

Amba could not bear the triple rejection. Overcome by fury she cursed: “Bhishma you call yourself a virgin when you just screwed me over? I vow to return the favor by screwing your happiness too.”
And just like that Amba enrolled for weapons training in a military camp.

(To be continued...)

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Chapter 2: Indecent proposal

Santanu did the best he could to raise his son. Like every rich parent, he expressed his love to his son by buying expensive gifts. Devavrata…
(Ganapati: Here on referred to as Deva, since it’s a pain in the trunk to write the entire friggin’ name EVERY single time. Why can’t you ever come up with smaller names?
Vyasa: Are you done whining?
(Vyasa: Grrr. Alright fine! Just write.
Ganapati grins widely.)

Deva recently had his sixteenth birthday and this year his father bought him the fastest, sleekest and flashiest chariot with gold rims and everything. Deva did not care too much for the gifts. All he wished for was a little personal time with his dad. Everybody knows that killing some animals is the best way for a father to bond with his son. A fishing trip was definitely in order. After all, his dad would go by the river every day, but not once would he ask Deva to accompany him.

Santanu was completely unaware of Deva’s frustrations. Santanu was lost in his own world. He would not admit to loneliness but the truth was he was desperately missing Ganga. He reminisced about the coincidence that bought them together. In Santanu’s words, “Her name was Ganga and I met her by the shores of the river Ganga. They were both called Ganga! I mean what are the chances of that happening?”

That fateful evening, Santanu decided to go walk by the river Yamuna instead of Ganga. As he sauntered by the river he came across a beautiful maiden. All the blood in Santanu’s body quickly rushed to one strategic location and he found himself using his cheesy pick up lines. As Santanu approached her, he was captured by her mesmerizing smell, “You smell like heaven.”
“Wow, how did you guess that I am wearing ‘Heaven’ from the new line of perfumes from Chandramukhi’s secret?” asked Satyavati.
“I have two questions for you, what is your name o heavenly fragrant woman? Will you marry me?
(Ganapati: Okay this time he deserves it.)

Satyavati was a little more conservative than Ganga. She asked him to request her father for her hand in marriage. Clearly not thinking from waist above, Santanu decided to approach her father with the proposal.
Father, “I will accept your proposal on one condition, you must promise that a son borne by Satyavati will inherit the throne.”
Santanu gave it some thought and saw visions of alimony pony. After some consideration he said, “As long as Satyavati signs a pre-nup I accept.”
“Hmm…alright,” said the father, “Do you want to ask any questions to my daughter?”
Santanu looked at Satyavati and said, “Are those real?”
And just like that they got married.

Deva ofcourse got the raw deal here. He could not believe his father abolished his right to the throne over the prospect of marrying a stranger. Quite unexpectedly Deva’s anguish was subdued by Satyavati’s loving nature. He felt like she was the mother he yearned for throughout his childhood. And boy did she smell great. He assured Satyavati that the throne held no interest to him and her son would inherit the throne. But Satyavati’s father was not convinced of this and he would incessantly talk about this with his daughter. Deva took it upon himself to assure Satyavati’s father.

Father, “I trust you to sacrifice your right to the throne. But I am afraid that your children may feel differently.”
Deva was now in a dilemma. The only thing that would appease Satyavati’s father was a vow of celibacy. Should Deva sacrifice his right to get laid, for a father who had chosen to get laid with a stranger over his son?
(Ganapati: Vyasa, don’t you think the drama is a little too much here?
Vyasa: No
Deva decided to make the sacrifice. He took the ‘Bhishma pratigya’ or ‘I will never get laid’ vow. From then on Deva was called ‘Bhishma.’
(Vyasa: Don’t even think about it. Bhishma is short enough.)

Satyavati could not believe the sacrifice Bhishma had made. As a token of gratitude she asked Bhishma to name her children. Bhishma took his sweet revenge and named her first son Vichitravirya (vichitra=weird, virya=semen). She decided to name the second son herself. Her second child was called Chitrangada.
(Ganapati: You are picking long names on purpose. I am going to start charging you per alphabet.
Vyasa: Whine whine whine.)

(To be continued...)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Chapter 1: The 60 year old virgin

King Santanu was a great admirer of beauty. Yes he had a fetish for pretty women. Despite the cheesy pick up lines he was quite the ladies man. That’s right, size does matter. He drove the ladies wild with his oh so huge bank account.
( Vyasa: Mind out of the gutter please Ganpati and continue writing.)
One day he was passing by the river when he met a well-endowed woman in a scantily clad outfit. Santanu could not stop checking her out and she seemed to enjoy the attention. So Santanu decided to approach her. Overcome by sensations that will not be described here, Santanu said, “I have two questions for you, what is your name o well-endowed woman and will you marry me?”
“I have four words for you,” Ganga said, “show me the money”. King Santanu offered a gaudy diamond ring as a token of his lust and flashy lifestyle. Impressed but not yet convinced Ganga made a list of demands, “I will marry you on the following conditions. I refuse to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. You shall not ask me any questions about my past, where I go or what I do. You have to give me compliments every day. If you don’t fulfill any of these conditions a divorce will follow. Will you please look at my face when I am talking with you?”
Santanu: “Are those real?”
And just like that Santanu and Ganga got married. The honeymoon was spectacular. Two days into the honeymoon Ganga made a shocking announcement, “Santa honey, I am pregnant.” Santanu, “What? I knew I was good but man, I sure outdid myself this time.” After nine long months Ganga gave birth to a little boy. Santanu was ecstatic, “Ganga this is the happiest day of my life. In fact I think I want more children. I want a whole gilli danda team.” But Santanu’s joy was short lived as Ganga made another shocking announcement, “Santa poodle, our baby is dead.”
(Ganapati: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the sex and violence.)
What followed was a roller coaster of emotions for Santanu. The death of his first child was followed by six more pregnancies and all of these babies died the day they were born. Santanu’s fairy tale marriage had turned into a nightmare. He realized he was married to a serial killer. It took seven baby killings and five years before Santanu decided to ask Ganga to stop the madness.
(Ganapati: Seven babies and five years?
Vyasa: What? She had triplets once.)

Santanu: “Honey I know you are a serial killer and all, but I am not getting any younger, can we atleast keep one?”
Ganga: “Good Lord I thought you’d never ask. But by asking this question you have broken the promise you made me before I accepted your proposal. My lawyers will contact you for the settlements. As you know by now, I am not much of a mother figure, so I am more than happy to let you keep the baby.”
Santanu then uttered the wisest words he had for as long as he could remember, “Never again will I marry without a pre-nup.”
A nasty divorce followed and Ganga rode off into the sunset on the alimony pony.
And just like that Santanu became a single dad of the little baby boy he named Devavrata. Rumors have it that it was Santanu’s wild parties that scarred the little boy for life. Others say it was the mom’s serial killing that led to what Devavrata grew up to be — a sixty year old virgin.

(To be continued...)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Vyasa's dissertation

Vyasa did his graduate studies on fictional literature and it was time he did what he had procrastinated for as long as he could. He had to write the dissertation. It was going to be long and detailed with three key elements romance, action and a happy ending. Soon the complicated plot was brewing in Vyasa’s head and he finally wrote the first draft. Vyasa realized he could get a great publication out of this and decided to contact some publishers.
He tried his luck with the most famous publisher at the time, Brahma. Brahma listened to the plot.
Brahma: “The plot is okay. But considering you don’t have any prior publications it would be a great risk on the publishing company’s part.”
Vyasa: “I am willing to do this free of charge. All I want is my dissertation read. I want my work to reach out to people. You know...the publish or perish rule. I don’t care for money. I wouldn’t be going to graduate school otherwise you know.”
Brahma: “Okay but you still haven't written the book. I can’t make any promises without looking at the final version.”
Vyasa: “Well that’s another problem. My advisor wants me to work on all these other projects and I can’t find time to write the book. I was hoping that you can provide someone to write the book for me as I narrate it.”
Brahma: “I generally don’t do this but the booty squad in your draft has intrigued me. So here is a number of somebody who owes me a favor. His name is Ganapati. He may be a little difficult to work with but that’s all I can offer.”
Vyasa: “He couldn’t be worse than my advisor. I will come by when the book is done.”

Vyasa calls Ganapati.
Ganapati: “Hello?”
Vyasa: “Hello this is Vyasa. I am looking for somebody to write a book for me. Brahma said you would be willing to help me out?”
Ganapati: “That depends on what your book is about.”
Vyasa: “The two main pillars of the book are sex and violence.”
Ganapati: “So when do we start?”

And so it came to pass, the great epic called Mahabharata.

(To be continued...)

Saturday, November 26, 2005

My first day in kindergarden (Rated PG 13 for violence)

I am four and life is changing fast and I am very confused. The first day to nursery school was such a shock for me. I don’t like it too much. I am stuck with some 20 cranky kids who are mostly yelling and crying. I decided something terrible is about to happen to all of us so began crying loudly as well. Who are these people? Why am I here? What do they want? I feel like I am in some sort of boot camp because of all the violence we are subjected to. What you are about to read is something no child should have to go through. This is what we were taught in nursery school.

Piggy On The Railway
Piggy on the railway,
Picking up stones,
Along came an engine
And broke poor Piggy's bones.
"Oh" said Piggy,
"That's not fair"
"Oh" said the Engine,
"I don't care"

I felt bad for the piggy but maybe I shouldn’t. Like the wise engine driver said, if you see someone stupid enough to walk on the railway tracks, they deserve to get run over and I should not care.

The Lion and the Unicorn
The Lion and the Unicorn
Were fighting for the crown;
The Lion beat the Unicorn
All about the town.
Some gave them white bread
And some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum cake
And drummed them out of town!

I guess I should beat the crap out of the neighboring kid for his action figure and I might get some plum cake in the process.
I Love Little Pussy
I love little pussy,
Her coat is so warm.
And if I don't hurt her,
She'll do me no harm.
So I'll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away.
But pussy and I,
Very gently will play.

My teacher seemed to enjoy this one a little too much, wonder why?

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree.
Merry, merry king of the bush is he.
Laugh, Kookaburra,
Laugh, Kookaburra,
Gay your life must be.

I told Uncle Mishra that he is gay.

Little Bo Peep
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And can't tell where to find them.
Leave them alone, And they'll come home,
Wagging their tails behind them.

Does that mean no one will look for me if I get lost? I feel cold and alone.

To Market, to Market
To market, to market to buy a fat pig,
Home again, home again, jiggetty jig.
To market, to market to buy a fat hog,
Home again, home again, jiggetty jog.

After I learned this one I called Mishra aunty…well fat Mishra aunty. I got into a lot of trouble. I am confused.

Goosey, Goosey, Gander
Goosey, goosey, gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs, and downstairs,
And in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers!
I took him by the left leg
And threw him down the stairs.

People who don't believe in god and people who are old deserve to be thrown down the stairs.

Five little monkeys
Five little monkeys swinging from a tree,
Teasing Mr crocodile, "You can't catch me"
Along came the crocodile, as quietly as can be
and SNAP! Went the crocodile,
and then there were:
Four little monkeys swinging from a tree…
Continue until there are no little monkeys.

If you want to pick on someone make sure they are weak and powerless to get back at you, like grandpa. Monkeys are stupid.
I dedicated the next poem to Mishra aunty the last time she came over. I even added my special touch. I substituted Mishra aunty for elephant to make the poem more personal.

An Elephant Walks Like This and That
An elephant walks like this and that,
He's terribly tall and he's terribly fat.
He's got no fingers, He's got no toes,
But goodness gracious What a LONG nose!

I think Mishra aunty was deeply touched by my gesture. She was speechless.
Mom said watching TV is doing no good to me. So I have to go learn a new nursery rhyme now, about a baby falling from the cradle.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Sketching a woman

Added a new link in the link list called "Sketching a woman". It's a sketch starting from skeleton structure of a woman. The artist transform the skeleton by adding on muscle layers and then giving a more difinitive form. Check it out.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Movie review: Born into brothels

I watched a documentary called “Born into brothels” yesterday. I hadn’t heard about the movie before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was already a little spooked out by my last adventure of watching ‘what the bleep do we know?’ and so was very apprehensive about this documentary. Once bitten twice judgmental. So here I was with my friends thinking, ‘I can’t believe I got myself into this’. It was a Saturday night and I didn’t want to feel angry, useless and depressed all at once like I did after I watched ‘Salaam Bombay’. I reserve such heavy material movies for non-drinking and/or non-weekend days….that doesn’t really leave too many days in a year, but the point is I was going to get a shot of reality instead of kamikaze on a Saturday night. Clearly labeled as a documentary all hopes for sexcapades of Lolita were abolished. I felt like a puppy about to get its weekly bath.

To my greatest surprise, it wasn’t a movie focused on the sad state of affairs of the kids in brothels. The movie effortlessly connects you to these kids, their life, perspectives, hopes and goals. Filmed by a photographer and filmmaker Zana Brisky, this documentary is her effort and struggle to give these kids a chance at a better life.

Zana starts frequenting the brothels of Calcutta, India to photograph the women and their life there. Unintentionally she befriends the kids and finds herself on a new mission of teaching the kids photography. Zana gives eight kids point and shoot cameras and starts tutoring them on photography. The kids themselves photograph much of the documentary. What starts out as a fun project, shapes into an incredible inspiring saga.

One of the kids is so talented that he is chosen to go to Amsterdam for a 7-day workshop by the World Press Photo Foundation. This workshop invites 10 individuals every year from all over the world to get their views on photography. The kid does not really care about this opportunity; he is lost in another world as he finds out that his mother was burned alive and dies of burn injuries. These kids are faced with difficult decisions at such an early age. They are not choosing ice-cream flavors, they are choosing between family and a chance at a life out of the brothel at 8 years of age.

Sometimes when you hear them talk you feel like you are listening to a 40 year old person who is disillusioned by life. In other instances they are just regular kids playing pranks and laughing contagiously.

I loved everything about this documentary. The photography, the way the subject is handled, the portrayal of the kids and most of all the message of the movie. For once the case is made for them for what they are—talented, smart, hard-working, productive kids.

Rated A for Awe-inspiring and empowering. Don’t miss it.

Movie clips

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Movie Review of "What the bleep do we know?"

A torture weapon to tranquilize, annoy and destroy your brain cells.
Rated: C for Completely avoidable.

This movie came with high recommendation from many friends and finally I had the misfortune of watching this sleep inducing and possibly brain damaging pseudoscience documentary. The theme of the movie is, ‘you can change the world by the power of thought’. Some of you may say, ‘so what’s wrong with that? A change in attitude could indeed be life changing’. This movie says more than that and that’s where I start getting pissed off. The disgusting manipulation of science to make data fit their theories is where the rabbit hole to bull-shit begins.
This movie is made to initiate cult following for the Ramtha institute of “enlightenment”. Let me tell you a little bit more about this institute so that you are aware of where all these scientific “experts” and “facts” presented in the movie are coming from. Ramtha institute was started by J.Z Knight, who claims to communicate with a 35000-year-old spirit Ramtha (a warrior from Atlantis). All the other “experts” are affiliated with this institute or other universities, which conduct studies that don’t follow any scientific method.
Many people don’t know what to make of the movie because they may not know enough about quantum theories and neurobiology to make a fair judgment. That’s what the moviemakers count on, you giving them the benefit of doubt.
Think about it though. Can you really change the crystal structure of water by your thoughts? The study done by Masaru Emoto called ‘messages in water’ is anything but science. The crystal structures shown in the movie were a biased subset. The researcher knew what word the bottle was labeled with so it was easy for him to pick out crystals that matched the description. A beautiful crystal for love and an ugly one for hate. I’d like to see Mr. Emoto get those results without knowing what word the bottle was labeled with.
Aside from the crappy movie content, the whole attempt at making the documentary into a movie was a complete failure.
Here are a few reviews of the movie that I enjoyed reading:
BBC review:Less Stephen Hawkings, more Oprah Winfrey
Short funny review
Very detailed review on the factual inaccuracies of the movie

Thursday, September 08, 2005

To switch or not to switch

The Monty Hall dilemma

You are probably familiar with the problem from the TV show ‘Lets make a deal’. Here is the problem. There are three doors and there is a car behind one of the doors and goats behind the other two doors. You don’t know which door the car is behind, but the game show host knows where it is. You get to pick a door and once you pick a door, the host will open a door with a goat behind from the remaining two doors (i.e. the doors you didn’t pick). Then you have two choices, either you stick with the door you originally picked or switch to the other door.

What would you do?

According to Marilyn Vos Savant, if you switch you have a higher probability to win. The reasoning being that 2 /3 times you will pick the wrong door and when the host opens a door with the goat, he has no choice but to pick the only other door with the goat behind. So 2/3 of the times if you switch you will get the car.

Not convinced yet? There is a computer simulation for this problem, which is fun to try out. Go to http://www.cut-the-knot.org/hall.shtml

So would you switch or stick?

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Shadow and light

Sharp lines emerged and blurred in front of my eyes.

Such games the light and shadow played today.

My room filled with color and warmth.

Then tired, the light retreated away.

More photos uploaded at http://www.flickr.com/photos/crystalblur/

Monday, September 05, 2005

Waiter, there is art in my coffee!

My latest addiction on the internet is Flickr.com. The other day I was surfing around and came across a collection of photos on latte art. Exquisite, impressive…all and all in good taste.
For more photos go to: http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonx/sets/48921/

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Rishyasringa (The conclusion)

So far....
Minister: "One more meeting and I will scream."
King of Anga: Busy having orgies.
Smartass: "I am fucked if the Booty Squad does not come through."
Booty Squad: "We kicked some serious ass."
Rishyasringa: "So many women, so little time."
Vibhandaka: (Farts). "Oh fuck! Here I go again."
Horses: "Are we there yet?"

Booty squad finally reaches the palace along with Rishyasringa.
King of Anga: "Welcome to Anga son. It is our pleasure to have you here."
Rishyasringa:"Thank you your majesty."
Kinga of Anga:"You are welcome to stay here as long as you want. I have one favor to ask from you though. Will you be able to hook us up with Swarga's water department?"
Rishyasringa:"Sure thing"
Booty Fool pinches Rishyasringa.
Rishyasringa:"Ow, I mean what's in it for me?"
King:"What's on your mind?"
Rishyasringa whispers to Booty Fool: "What do I ask for?"
Booty Fool (whispers):"Princess's hand in marriage."
Rishyasringa : "What? And kill my social life before it could even begin?."
Booty Fool (groan):"Okay first of all, the King's social life is not anywhere close to over, secondly have you even seen Princess Santa?, thirdly you promised me and don't even get me started with the horns on your head."
Rishyasringa:"Okay okay! You don't have to be so fucking rude."
King:"Ahem! So do you know what you want?"
Rishyasringa:"Yes, I want your daughter's hand in marriage."
Courtiers: Gasp!
Smartass:"Damn those bitches are smart!"
All heads turn to the King.
King looks at Queen. All heads turn to the Queen.
Queen:"He is smart, well educated, and damn he is hot....sure Santa should marry him."
The King agrees and the very next day water starts flowing in Anga again.

Just when things seem to settle, Vibhandaka arrives in the palace and he looks mighty pissed.
Minister whispers to Smartass:'Wow he got here fast. He must have some kind of magical powers."
Vibhandaka furiously:"You thought you could use my contacts in the water department and I won't find out?"
King:"Vibhandaka please calm down. You must be tired from the journey. Here let me make you an offering of some of my finest happy potion."
Vibhandaka eyes the happy potion. Rishyasringa steps in arm in arm with Princess Santa.
Rishyasringa:"Yo Dad! Wassup?"
Vibhandaka (very pissed) :"Thats it! You guys are going down."
Minister:"Before you curse us for eternal damnation there is something we want you to see. Smartass go ahead."
Smartass goes near Vibhandaka with a platter covered with a red silk cloth. He unveils the cloth to reveal Vibhandaka's personal diary.
Vibhandaka: "Oh fuck!"
Smartass:"I loved the drawings."
Rishyasringa:"What is it?"
Vibhandaka:"Nothing!" Looks at King."So you were saying, you have the vintage happy potion?"
King:"Oh yes, certainly."

And there you have it....
Rishyasringa: Enjoying marital bliss
Santa: "Whats with the horns?"
Booty Squad minting money in their upscale Booty Parlour: "Totally awesome."
Booty Fool starts up her own production in Angallywood:"Like action!"
Courtiers:"We are still underpaid!"
Vibhandaka: Hic hic
King: "Holy fuck Vibhandaka...how is this position humanly possible?"
Queen: "Oh yeah I've done it that way before."
King:"Oh really?"
Smartass:"Shit I think I forgot my undies in the queen's bedroom"

---The End----

If you are interested in reading a brief non-CCSL version of this story go to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rishyasringa

Rishyasringa (Part five)

Rishyasringa is sitting in the cottage trying to concentrate but inevitably ends up day dreaming about Booty Fool. Not knowing if he would see Booty Fool again, he decides to sketch her from memory. Booty Fool walks upto the cottage and finds Rishyasringa deep in thought.
Booty Fool:"HI!!"
Rishyasringa:"Shriek!! Don't ever do that again."
Booty Fool:"Aw I am sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
Rishyasringa:"I thought I will never see you again."
Booty Fool hugs Rishyasringa and Rishyasringa feels the tingling sensation in his happy place again.
Booty Fool: "You need to get out more often. I know! Lets go on a date, by the riverside."
Rishyasringa:"I don't know about that. Dad wants me to review chapter 20.8 today."
Booty Fool:"Oh come on! Pleeeease". Bats eyelashes.
Rishyasringa:"Yeah you right. Fuck it. Lets go."
Booty Fool:"Did you just say fuck?"
Rishyasringa:"Yeah, what does it mean?"
Booty Fool:"Oh I'll tell you what it means. In fact if it is your lucky day, I might just show you what it means."
Booty Fool and Rishyasringa walk to the riverside hand in hand.

Booty squad swiftly moves towards the cottage after Booty Fool and Rishyasringa leave.
Booty Queen:"Alright bitches. So like this is the plan. Sleeping booty, Black booty and I go inside the cottage and y'all keep an eye. If there is a threat, give the Booty Call."
Booty squad quickly gets in position.
Booty Queen, Sleeping Booty and Black Booty start rummaging through the cottage.
Sleeping Booty:"I found it! Look y'all, this trunk is labeled Vibhandaka's secret stash."
Booty Queen:"Like did you even read the orders? It specifically said to look for 'incriminating evidence'. Now look more carefully."
Black Booty:"I wonder whats in the secret stash though."
Booty Queen:"Oh probably subscription to Apsaras gone wild."
Black Booty:"OMG! Look! Trunk labeled incriminating evidence. This is it."
Sleeping Booty:"Shoot! It says password protected."
Booty Queen:"So like whats the problem?"
Sleeping Booty:"Er...we don't know the password?"
Booty Queen:"Like don't be absurd. It says right there, password protected."
Black Booty:"Oh you are so smart Q!"
Black Booty writes "protected" on the trunk and click, the trunk opens.
Booty Queen:"Look what we have here...Vibhandaka's personal diary! Take the diary and lets head back before somebody finds us."

Booty Squad heads back to the Booty camp.
Meanwhile by the riverside.
Booty Fool:"You mean you have NEVER seen a woman? Never ever??"
Rishyasringa:"Hey I already feel bad enough. You don't have to rub it in."
Booty Fool:"Alright I am sorry. I could show you what a woman looks like."
Booty Fool starts peeling off her clothes.
Booty Fool now clad only in red thongs:"So what do you think?"
Rishyasringa stunned and pink:"I think I need new underwear."

At the Booty Camp, the Booty squad is horrified after reading the diary.
Sleeping Booty:"Like I have no words."
Black Booty:"I thought I had seen it all."
Booty Queen:"Who would've thought Vibhandaka and animal sex."
Sleeping Booty:"Those drawings and descriptions...that poor deer must've died of exhaustion."
Booty Queen:"OMG, it gets worse you guys. Like Beauty Fool didn't see it at first b'coz of his long hair but then she noticed that Rishya had something that looked like deer horns coming out of his head."
Black Booty:"Does that mean....?"
Booty Queen:"Like Duh!"
Beauty Squad:"EEEWWWWW!"
Sleeping Booty:"I think I am going to throw up."

Rishyasringa and Booty Fool return singing "Its a bootiful world."
Rishyasringa:"I think I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I can't live without you Booty Fool."
Booty Fool giggles:"Don't be silly!"
Rishyasringa:"I want to make you happy. Is there anything I can do?"
Booty Fool: "Actually there is..."
Rishyasringa listens to Booty Fool as she talks for an hour.
Booty Fool:"In summary, I want you to come to Anga and bring rain, give me a break in Angallywood and make Booty Squad rich."
Rishyasringa:"Wow!" Thinks for a bit. "And you said there are lots of women in Anga?"
Booty Fool:"Lots!"
Rishyasringa:"Let me grab a few things and I will meet you in 5."
Booty Fool:"Awesome."
Booty squad along with Rishyasringa begin their journey to Anga.

End of Part five.

(To be continued...)

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Rishyasringa (Part four)

Meanwhile in Anga, at another boring meeting.
Courtier 1:"Do you know what this meeting is for?"
Courtier 2:"Nope, as usual I got the last minute pigeon. I mean how am I supposed to get any work done with these stupid meetings?"
Courtier 1:"All I know is that I am not being paid enough for all this overtime."
Courtier 3:"I heard that lately the Queen has been on King's case. You know, the whole...'you are getting out of shape and go to the gym' stuff."
Courtier 2:"Women! They are all the same."
Courtier 3:"So the King calls these 7 am meetings, even on weekends to get out of gym."
Courtier 2:"Why that fat ass."
King:"Alright minister, lets commence the meeting. Minister?"
Minister: Snoring
Courtier 5 taps on minister's shoulder.
Minister sleep talks: "Not tonight honey."
Courtier 5 shakes minister vigorously.
Minister wakes up and grins sheepishly.
King: "Whats the latest on Booty squad?"
Security advisor: "The last message said, the mouse has taken bait."
Dumbass:"Okay we got to focus here, we are talking about the squad progress not mice."
Security advisor (in a irritated tone):"Thats a code you moron."
Dumbass mumbles:"Whatever, jerk."
Minister: "Anyhoo, there is a problem that I foresee with the mission."
Smartass: Cough cough.
Minister: "Oh alright, Smartass thinks we need to figure out a way to escape the inevitable wrath of Vibhandaka."
King:"And why is Vibhandaka pissed?"
Minister:"Oh he will be, after his son betrays him and elopes with the Booty squad. On top of that his son is going to use Vibhandaka's connections in the water department. Our calculations show that there is a very high probability of shit hitting the fan."
Courtier 2: "What if Vibhandaka accidently dies a gruesome death?"
Smartass: "Thats too boring and predictable. In fact, I have a better idea."
Smartass narrates his plan.
King: "Well....alright. You do realise that if this does not work, its your ass on the line?"
Smartass: "Oh fuck, I didn't see that coming. Booty Queen was right, you never know how, when and where you might get screwed...and not in a good way."
King:"Talking about screwing, I gotta get going."

Back in the Jungle.
Booty Fool: "Its been 4 days and the old fart is not budging. I can't give Rishya a booty call if Dad does not leave the cottage."
Booty Queen: "Don't worry, I took care of it. Dad will totally leave the cottage today."
As if on cue, Vibhandaka hurriedly heads into the jungle.
Booty Squad:"Woah!"
Booty Queen: "Last night I added a little something to the happy potion."
Booty Fool:"What did you put in there?"
Booty Queen: "You don't want to go there girlfriend."
Booty Fool:"I have so much to learn from you Q."
Booty Queen: "Booty Fool, you can like kiss my ass later. Now be a bad girl and go seduce Rishya. This time take him somewhere away from the cottage."
Booty Fool:"Awesome, let me grab the red thongs and I will be on my way."
Booty Queen: "Alright, listen up bitches, as soon as the love birds hit the road we snoop around the cottage."
Booty squad: "Like what exactly are we looking for?"
Booty Queen: "I got a pigeon from Smartass with new mission orders. Here read them."
Booty squad gasps:"Like oh my gawd!! But how could that be?"
Booty Queen: "Men! They are all the same."

End of Part four.

(To be continued...)

Monday, August 29, 2005

Rishyasringa (Part three)

Dad returns to find most of the chores unfinished.
Dad: "There better be a good explanation for the apparent slacking."
Rishyasringa : "Dad, I have been thinking I am old enough to get out on my own. You know explore the world, build my own cottage."
Dad roars with laughter: "Oh you are serious? Ahem...well, I am sorry son but your GPA clearly shows that you need to focus on your studies and believe me there is a lot of room for improvement."
Rishyasringa: "I am tired of being judged by you. I think I am quite capable of supporting myself by offering private tuitions alone."
Dad now suspicious at the sudden change in attitude, senses that this conversation has something more to it than his son was revealing.
Dad: "Alright son, whats going on here? I want you to first off walk in a straight line for me."
Rishyasringa:"I did not drink your happy potion dad!"
Dad: "Then what is it?"
Rishyasringa exhaling deeply: "I was studying as usual, for the surprise test that you hinted to last night. Suddenly out of nowhere, I was confronted by the most beautiful man I have seen. He made my heart race. I have never felt like this before specially in my happy place."
Dad: "Holy fuck. That was no man! That was a bitch. Either that or my son is a homo."
Eyes his son's pink robe suspiciously.
Rishyasringa:"Okay I can't make any sense of that sentence. First of all what is "fuck" and "homo"? And I am pretty sure that was no bitch, definitely Homo sapien, not Canis familiaris"
Dad asks the son to describe the man he saw.
Dad: "Look son, we need to talk"
Rishyasringa: "Its a little too late for that dad."
Dad:"Alright enough. Now listen to me carefully. That was no man that you saw. That was a woman... the most cunning creature you will meet. She will torture you, never be satisfied with all your efforts.... in short make your life a living hell."
Rishyasringa mumbles:"I don't really see the change of life style for me from what you describe."
Dad: "What was that?"
Rishyasringa:"What was what?"
Dad: "Now go, and work on your grades."
Rishyasringa:"But Daaaaad"
Booty squad eavesdropping.
Booty queen: "My my. Like what have we got here? Totally like a rebel who is well endowed."
Booty fool: "100% bootilicious in my book."
Booty squad: Hoot hoot.
Dad:"Thats the wierdest owl I have ever heard."

End of Part three

(To be continued...)

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Rishyasringa (Part two)

Booty Squad brainstorming in the strategy room.
Booty queen: "Okay lets like consider our options."
Booty fool: "As I see it we have only two options. Its either pink negligee or red thongs. I say we go with the thongs, they always work for me."
Booty queen: "Thats like a totally awesome idea. We can't go wrong with red. What say y'all?"
Booty squad: "Awesome!"
Armed with red thongs the Booty squad embarks on their quest.
Day 1:
Booty fool:"The blue skies, green forests, going into unchartered territories. Awesome."
Day 2:
Booty fool: "Are we there yet?"
Day 3:
Booty fool: "Are we there yet?"
Booty Queen: "If I hear that one more time I swear!!!"
After 4 days of constant whining and traveling , the near exhausted Booty squad finally reaches the hermitage.
Booty queen (getting off the horse):"My booty hurts like a mother."

After getting some Booty sleep, the Squad swiftly moves towards the hermitage.
Booty fool:"Holy cow Vibhandaka is hot! I could've sworn he doesn't look a day older than 20 years."
Booty queen: "Don't be silly. Thats his son, Rishyasringa. And girls we might be in luck. He looks home alone."
Booty fool: "Alright ladies, I am going in and he is going down....er figuratively ofcourse"
Booty queen: "Remember, if Vibhandaka returns, we will warn you by giving the Booty call and you immediately head to safety. Got it?"
Booty fool: "Totally"
Meanwhile Rishyasringa has no idea that it might just be his lucky day. He is reading Chapter 10.2 for the fifth time and falling asleep when he hears a sweet voice.
Booty fool: "Well hello there"
Rishyasringa: Jaw dropped.
Booty fool: "I don't mean to interrupt whatever you were doing."
Rishyasringa: "Huh hullo. My name is Rishyasringa and you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen."
Booty fool giggles and then glances at the pile of books Rishyasringa was reading.
Rishyasringa: "I was just reviewing. Dad likes to give surprise tests and lately my GPA has been falling."
Booty fool: "I was never that good at studies.I wish I was as smart as you."
Rishyasringa: "Its not that difficult. I could give you some private tuitions if you'd like".
Booty fool: "Oh you are naughty".
Booty squad: "Hoot hooot."
Booty fool : God dammit booty call already?
Rishyasringa:"Thats the strangest owl I have heard"
Booty fool:"I got to go."
Rishyasringa:"Wait. I didn't get your name."
Booty fool hugs Rishyasringa and lightly kisses him on his cheek.
Booty fool:"I will see you soon I promise. Bye for now."
Rishyasringa is paralyzed with strange excitement as he sees Booty fool run away in slow motion.

End of Part Two

(To be continued...)

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Rishyasringa (Part one)

Once upon a time there lived a sage named Vibhandaka (aka Dad). He had a son named Rishyasringa (aka Rishyasringa). They lived in the forest, meditating about nothing in particular and collecting roots and fruits (Dad! not salad again). But salad was not even Rishyasringas life's suckiest part. Rishyasringa had never seen a woman, not even his mom (yeah, thanks a lot dad).
Little Rishya: Dad, where did I come from?
Dad: "Umm, I think we are running out of firewood. Go get some firewood. Chop chop."
After awhile, Rishyasringa gave up asking questions. Mebbe his notes on social interactions of Pan troglodytes (Chimps for the non-biology nerds) had something to do with it.

Meanwhile, country of Anga was afflicted with famine.
King of Anga: "Minister, there has been no rain and there is too much bitching going on in the kingdom. We must pretend to do something. Lets have a meeting"
Minister: (Groan) "Excellent idea, your majesty"
At the meeting:
King: "Lets keep this short, I have a skinny dipping session with my mistresses in my royal pool in about 10 mins."
Courtier 1: "We could sell subsidized beer"
King: " Brilliant!"
Minister: "Er...we can't do that, in the last banquet we finished our supplies".
Courtier 2: "How about we import some beer?"
King: "No can do, I don't have the funds, I just renovated my palace what else have you got?"
Courtier 1: "Lets call Vibhandaka. He has connectins with Swarga's water department."
Courtier 3: "I dunno about him, that dude is whacko. He has a short temper. If we piss him off, which we most likely will, he will curse the living gabeegees out of us."
Smartass: "Ya mean begeesus?"
Courtier 3: "Whatever skunk breath".
King:"Okay I have 5 mins and I haven't had any executions in the kingdom recently. So speak."
Smartass: "Hmm...lets see...single father...playing superdad...no social life...after all these years I am sure he wouldn't mind a little booty action."
King: "Yes, thats it! Send in the booty squad. Talking about booty, I gotta get going."
Minister:"Wow that was the most productive meeting since....oh my gosh, its a first."
Booty squad: "Oh fuck, I didn't see that coming. Girls, we might get screwed here, one way or the other"
Booty queen: "Yeah, like if we don't go, the king slays us and like if we do, Vibhandaka might put a curse on us, or worse we have to like screw him."
Booty fool: " When will my break in the Angallywood come? I am this close on giving up on my acting aspirations."
Booty queen: "Listen up bitches, we need to figure out a scheme to save our collective asses".

End of Part one.

(To be continued...)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Down came the rain

Much had changed in Mumbai in the two years that I was away. The flyovers were a pleasant addition but I was a lil disappointed by the "Americanisation" of Mumbai with cookie cutter malls sprouting up, complete with Mac Donalds. Before I could be too disappointed, down came the rain. The rain lashed the city and transformed Bombay into a sea of trouble. People huddled together for shelter. Much was lost as the city drowned in the sinister pralaya. Saw people come together, forgetting all differences. Heroes arose with the rising tide. I was reminded yet again that Mumbai truly is a resilient city, with a spirit that braves it all.

The itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the water spout
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the spout again.

Salaam Bombay.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


Want to extinguish the sun
Just for some selfish fun
Pluck away the stars for good
Just because it suits my mood

Forgot everything I learned
Something terrible I yearned
Betraying the beaten path
Baring unto a bitter wrath

Wasn't a choice I could make
Tried so hard to hesitate
Lately the way I see
Its all a skewed reality

The hell's bell will toll
As I quickly lose control
Willing to bet it all
I prepare for the fall

Ready to give up all I got
Without a concern or a doubt
A recluse from the humankind
Prisoner of a diseased mind

Whats this urge to self destruct
A penchant to not give a fuck
Hell bend to walk in reverse
Complying to my mind perverse

Defying everything that is real
To unearth what lies concealed
Maybe I failed to see
The angel I was meant to be

Orphaned by morality
Remorse a formality
Righteous Gods will frown
Disown me, put me down

Not welded by chastity
I submit to heresy
Brutal, deviant and ugly
The truth it sets me free

Full circle

Hunched in front of the PC
Or bleary eyed watching TV
Nuking dinners in the microwave
Over and over in a full circle

Downing shots of kamikazes
With a buzz to seduce reality
Waking up hung over life
Over and over in a full circle

Morning papers mourning martyrs still
Rapes and murders simply for a thrill
Heroes fighting for peace and justice
Over and over in a full circle

Affairs, divorces, sex tapes and all
Papparazzi then spew some gall
Stars they rise and they fall
Over and over in a full circle

Breathe in breathe out
Echo what is without
Duplicate, reconstruct, reproduce
Over and over in a full circle

Creation, nurture and destruction
A universe of replication
Listen to the pulsationg beat repeat
Over and over in a full circle

An ode to catdog

An orange ball of fur
Tip toes in the grass
Hunts with the passion
Of a big jungle cat

He thinks he is the king
of the ground he walks on
He looks like garfield
and acts like a dog

He walks me to school
and waits on me at dusk
He paws at the geckos
and then sniffs like a mutt

He is the best catdog
you will ever meet
But now he is lost
and wandering the streets

I hope he comes back home
I miss him a ton
Coz without the orange furball
its just not much fun

The way

Won't you share the toxicity
Inject a shot of pain into me

Smouldering steadily your mind chars
Trade open wounds for some benign scars

Your dark demons you defend
One woman war until the end?

I know they have been unkind
Got you locked up in a sick mind

Bury the remains of the cold shattered God
Gather every drop of resilience and move on

Bare unto the warm light the venom frozen within
Like snow melting and trickling on the first day of spring

A monsoon of tears to wash away the mirth
Wild colorful blossoms soon impending birth

Fertilize the coming day with the ashes of the past
You don't have forever, peace follows at last

Grasp on today, tomorrow may not be
Be the warrior you are, not a refugee

Reservation preservation

Living in a community
Enforcing equal opportunity
With the power of reservation
thought they started a revolution

Raking votes these politicians
Really became the morticians
Of a million dashed careers
A nation of blinded seers

Is this really a solution
Dissuading the resolution
Of the hard working mind
In the name of helping mankind