Yavakridaaa

Grad student 1: “One of the visiting scholars has arrived Guruji.”

Dr. Bharadwaj: “What already? I thought they were coming next week. Argh! My appointment papyrus is messed up. My son can show them around. Let’s see, what do I have scheduled for the afternoon? Here it is … some grad student’s final defense. Ah good, nothing important. I will meet the scholars in the afternoon.”

Grad student 1 runs around looking for his mentor’s son (Yavakrida) and finds Yava pestering the new grad students.

Grad student 1: “The visiting scholar is here and Guruji would like you to show them around the ashram.”

Yavakrida (groan!): “Oh alright! Where is he?”

Yavakrida grudgingly makes his way to greet the scholar.

Ramananda (R): “Hello, my name is Ramananda, I’m here to meet Dr. Bharadwaj.”

Yavakrida (Y): “Yes, I am Dr. Bharadwaj’s son. My name is Yavakrida.”

R: “Nice to meet you Yavakrida.”

Y: “No, no, you are not pronouncing it correctly.”

R: “Okay, so how is it pronounced?”

Y: “It’s Ya…repeat it after me…ya.”

R: “Ya.”

Y: “Va”

R: “Wa”

Y: “No, it’s va not wa, you have to bite your lips while saying va, unlike while saying wa your mouth forms the shape of a lotus bud. Got it? Va!”

Ganapati (G): “It’s just a friggin name. Can we move on with the story?”

Vyasa (V): “And what would you know about having your name incessantly mispronounced, Mr. No V in my name so I don’t care?”

G: “Good God, quit being so sensitive.”

V: “So as I was saying…or rather Yavakrida says.”

Y: “Va!”

R: “Wah!”

Two hours later.

Y: “Okay you can work on the va some more later.”

R (sarcastically): “Oh, you bet. In fact I will clear my evening schedule for it.”

V: “Ganapati, stop fudging my script.”

G: “I am just giving it some normalcy. I am sure some readers will identify with R’s feelings.”

V (pinching the bridge of his nose): “Just write.”

Y: Next is kree.”

R (exasperated): “Kri”

Y: “No it is kree. Listen to the pitch carefully. Kree.”

R: “Kreeeeeee.”

Y: “Okay, now it is too much. You have to rein it in a bit.”

R: “Kree.”

Y: “Good! And finally dah! You have to emphasize on the last bit, daahhhhhh!”

G: “Why do parents keep naming their kids with such complicated names? In the good old days of Ramayana, people had sensible names like Ram, Sita, Luv, Kush. Simple and beautiful. But now they have these insanely long names.”

V: “There are merits to long names. The kids learn half the alphabets just memorizing the names.”

G: “Ah! Good point.”

Y: “Put it all together and it is Yavakridaah! Go on say it.”

R (in a tired voice): “Yavakrida…”

Yavakrida gives encouraging looks.

R (taking the hint): “daaah!”

Y: “Yes! Now was that so hard? Pronouncing the name correctly, is a simple gesture to show respect for your fellow humans, wouldn’t you agree Ravindra?”

R: “My name is Ramananda.”

Y: “Whatever! The point I make is very important. It is crucial to get the pronunciation of the names exactly right.”

Chapter 13: Sagar's seven (Part 3 of 3)

Previously on Sagar’s seven here

Vyasa: “The bandits have a small lead but they knew that it wouldn’t take too long for the guards to catch up.”

Sagar: “Boys, it won’t take too long for the guards to catch up.”

Bandit 1 bites fingers.

Sagar: “But don’t worry, I had it all planned out. Shiru should be waiting for us with getaway horses down this road.”

Sure enough good old Shiru was patiently waiting for Sagar and the bandits.

Bandits: “You are the man Shiru!”

The bandits hop onto the horses with the loot and head into the forest as they hear a distant gallop of the guards giving chase.

The guards are hot on the bandits’ trail. The bandits manage to put some distance between the guards and themselves by taking a secret pathway in the hilly terrain. After riding for a considerable amount of time the bandits are exhausted. Night befalls upon them but they keep moving. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion the bandits decide to take refuge in an ashram they come across along the way.  They sneak into the ashram, grab clothing from the clothing lines and find an empty room to hide.

The guardsmen give a relentless chase. The squad is lead by a courageous general, two veteran soldiers and two rookies.

Rooky 1: “This is so exciting. We are on a live mission!”

Rooky 2: “Man, I have been collecting souvenirs all along the way. Mom is going to love it.”

The chase leads to an ashram. General reads the name of the ashram. “Mandavya’s Academy” is carved in big bold letters at the entrance.

General: “Okay, I know this guy. He is some kind of yogic mentor. We have to be very careful. This is the grant deadline week. The mentors are a bit psychotic during this time. So what is the first thing you do when you encounter a yogic mentor that you want to take under your custody?”

General quizzes the rookies.

Rookies in chorus: “Take control of the water source.”

General: “Good. At least the academy didn’t send me total nut jobs this year. The vets will scour the ashram for the goons; rookies come with me to the mentor’s cottage. Let’s roll.”

All in chorus: “Sir yes sir!”

The general moves towards the main cottage where the mentor is burning the mid night oil.

General: “Just as I thought, last minute grant application writing.”

Rookie 1: “Why are we arresting the mentor?”

General: “It is not a coincidence that the trail leads into this ashram. I’m afraid he is our prime suspect. Lack of funding has driven many mentors to creative ways of obtaining funding. Now keep your eyes peeled for any sudden movements.”

Rookies are very impressed by the General and follow him towards the cottage. Three heads peep into the mentor’s cottage through a window and see Mandavya scribbling away, even mumbling at times. The general gives the go signal to the rookies and the three of them storm into the cottage and take control of all the water sources before Mandavya can say what.

Mandavya: “What the?”

General: “You are under arrest.”

Mandavya: “What for? What is this nonsense? I have a deadline to make.”

General: “Playing the fool, I see. Not a very original ploy.”

Mandavya (irritated): “I was finally in the writing zone. And now thanks to you morons I’ve lost the chariot of thought.”

Veteran soldiers walk in with Sagar and the two bandits.

Soldiers: “We found the jewels and the thieves.”

General looks at Mandavya with an amused smile.

General: “Let me guess. You have never seen these men before.”

Mandavya: “As a matter of fact I haven’t.”

General: “Ugh! Arrest all of them.”

Mandavya: “This is unacceptable. I won’t stand for it. I have my rights.”

General: “Oh the rights, I forgot. Soldier, read him his rights.”

Soldier 2: “What rights?”

General: “Exactly!”

Mandavya is now fuming with anger.

General: “Gentlemen, prepare the horses. We are taking the jewelry back to the palace. Bind the thieves, that includes Mandavya and take them all to the King. Let him decide what he wants to do with them.”

General steps out. The vets bind the bandits and carry the loot to the horses. The rookies are left in charge of Mandavya.

Mandavya: “Alright fine, I will come along and settle this matter with the King. Hopefully he has more sense than your General. I just want a sip of water before I come with you.”

Rookie 1: “NO! No water. You come with us now.”

Mandavya: “No need to over react. All I want is a sip of water.”

Mandavya starts reaching for a water bowl.

Rookie 2: “Watch out. Do something!!”

Rookie 1 panics and gives in to his first instinct. He impales Mandavya with a spear and Mandavya falls to his knees. Blood starts gushing out of his stomach. Rookie 2 smacks Rookie 1 in head.

Rookie 2: “What have you done?!”

Rookie 2 runs to the General.

General: “What now?”

Rookie 2: “There has been an accident. Mandavya fell on the spear.”

General: “Fuck me without ghee.”

At the palace.

King Devapann: “Yes! My General has returned. Tell me, did you catch the scum?”

General: “Yes your majesty.”

King Devapann: “Good. And the jewels?”

General: “We have them.”

King Devapann: “Bravo! You and your men have made me proud again.”

General: “Your majesty the mission did not go as smoothly as we’d hoped.”

King Devapann: “Well, nothing a bag of gold coins can’t fix I’m sure.”

General: “Actually, a yogic mentor was involved in the operation.”

King Devapann: “Wait what?! Please tell me you did not piss him off.”

General: “Um…he was impaled…”

King goes face palm. Courtiers gasp.

General: “…in the stomach…”

Courtiers cringe.

General: “…by our soldier.”

King Devapann: “So he is dead.”

General: “Ordinarily, this would be the kind of injury that you succumb to. However, the yogic mentor used his yogic powers to stay alive. He should be here shortly with my soldiers. They are helping him make his way to the court as we speak.”

King Devapann (bites his knuckles): “Somebody punch someone.”

Rookie 2 smacks Rookie 1 on the head and Rookie 1 retorts by punching Rookie 2 in the arm.

General: “Here comes the mentor now.”

Mandavya (in deep pain): “Wa-ter.”

Courtiers: Silent gasps.

Minister: “Somebody get him some wine for his pain.”

Mandavya (gulps some wine and then begins to speak): “I have lived an honest life and yet here I am with my guts spilling out. At first I did not know whom to blame for this unlawful persecution. The soldiers who carried out the act? But they were only obeying their General’s orders. So the General then, but he is only obeying the King who commands him.”

The King gulps.

Mandavya: “But no, I’ll go to the very root of the problem. The problem is systemic. It is the system that needs to be changed. And so I will take it up with Dharma, the one who wrote our laws and constitution.”

King Devapann: “You are so wise.”

Mandavya: “I have a couple of favors to ask.”

King Devapann: “Anything you want.”

Mandavya: “Arrange a ride for me to Dharma’s office and take care of my graduate students.”

King Devapann: “Done and done.”

And so Mandavya was escorted by the General himself. On the way…

Mandavya: “Wa-ter.”

General: “You will get it first thing in Dharma’s office.”

Dharma’s office was an old dingy government office building. Mandavya and the General were greeted by the reception official, a thin old bored woman.

General: “Could we get some water please?”

Reception official / R.O.(never taking her head away from the papyrus about Angallywood she was reading): “No water allowed on government premises.”

General (grinning sheepishly): “Sorry Mandavya.”

Mandavya: “I would like to speak with Dharma.”

R. O.: “Please fill out these papyrus and take a token, you’re lucky the wait will be just under two hours today.”

Mandavya: “What? This is an emergency. Can’t you see I have a spear lodged in my stomach?”

R.O. (looks at Mandavya): “You’re right. What was I thinking? You need to fill in the pink papyrus in addition to the ones I provided. Standard non-liability agreement, in case you kick the bucket on our premises. Surprisingly, it’s more common than you’d think.”

Mandavya (appalled): “This is unacceptable…”

General (interrupts Mandavya in the middle of his tirade and takes Mandavya by the shoulder): “Why don’t you take a seat? I’ll handle this.”

Mandavya sits in the waiting room, fuming with anger, sweat dripping on the binding of the spear. One hour later, Mandavya was escorted into Dharma’s office room.

Dharma: “Come in…Mandavya is it? Yes, I have your papyruses.”

Mandavya: “Look at me! I don’t deserve this. I have lived an honest li…”

Dharma: “Let me see. Impaled with spear for crimes of the highest orders. Murders, 39 of them.”

Mandavya: “What are you talking about? You obviously have the wrong papers.”

Dharma (chuckles): “Oh no, I have the right papers. You’ve killed countless bees, mosquitoes and flies when you were four.”

Mandavya: “What? You’re kidding me!”

Dharma: “Oh no, I’m perfectly serious.”

Mandavya: “How can you accuse me of crimes that I did when I was a child?”

Dharma: “Oh, so I should let you off the hook is it? What about the pain and suffering of the bees and the flies and the mosquitoes? The pain was very real.”

Mandavya (losing it): “I’ve had it with your nonsense. You have no idea what it is to live by these idiotic rules you have created. So I see it fit that as a punishment you live by those very idiotic rules.”

Dharma: “Spare me the melodrama. There is no water allowed on these premises. You can do nothing.”

Mandavya pulls out the spear from his stomach; the spear is soaked in blood and sweat.

Mandavya: “Shit just got real.”

Mandavya then shoots the spear in Dharma’s direction and it lodges into Dharma’s head.

Both Dharma and Mandavya collapse on the floor.

Dharma: “Fuck me without ghee.”

---

After a brief blackout the next thing he knew, Dharma was swimming as fast as he could to beat the million others. The rules of the game were simple, you win you live, you lose you die. In an astonishing feat of swimming, Dharma won.

Dharma: “GOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!”

9 months later, Vichitravirya’s wife Ambalika gave birth to a son. She named him Vidura. 

Ganapati: “Woah! The spear action was amazing! Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.”

Ganapati imitates spears being thrown with his trunk. Vyasa smiles.

Chapter 13: Sagar's seven (part 2 of 3)

Previously on Sagar's seven here

Bandit 1: “Booty squad? Alright I’m in.”
Sagar: “We will hit the palace on the day after the Sweet Sixteen party for the princess. We are going in as the cleaning crew. The booty squad has already penetrated the palace and has been working as the princess’s maids. They have paid off one of the security guards to let us in and out of the palace. But the security guards change shift very often so we have to time this just right. Once inside the palace, we have10 min to get to the bedroom, break into the dressing room, grab the loot and get the hell out of there.”

A soft-skinned lotus eyed woman enters the room and all the men turn their attention to her. Sagar walks over to her.

Sagar: “Booty Queen! I’m glad you made it safely?”
Booty Queen (amused): “How cute? If only I had a gold coin for every patronizing man I met. Anyhow, I’m afraid I don’t have too much time to chit chat. The princess will notice if I am missing for too long. Here is the key to the dressing room. It took me a month to get the copy made. Put it to good use. Good luck.”

Booty Queen leaves as quickly as she had appeared.

Bandit 1 (whistles): “What a woman!”
Sagar (snaps his fingers): “As I was saying. It is very important to not lose focus in the dressing room and leave within the allotted time. Got it? Game on.”

A skinny boy knocks and walks into the room.

Boy: “Shiru is here to meet with you Boss”.
Sagar: “Go over the plan again. I don’t want any mistakes. I’ll be back soon.”

Meanwhile at the palace, King Devapann and his council are discussing Yayati and his saggy balls.

King Devapann: “This is why I don’t go around seducing women along the river banks or in the jungles. It is so risky. How can you trust some random stranger you met at the river bank?”
Minister 1: “To top it off, King Yayati managed to piss off Sukracharya in the grant application season.”
Minister 2: “Yeah, don’t mess with those yogic mentors with their woo water. If you do, your ass is grass.”
King Devapann: “I don’t know what he was thinking. You have to use your common sense to stay out of trouble. If you are the king you can order whoever pleases you to well come to the palace and please you. All this running around behind women like sissies. Where are all the men I say?”

And then King Devapann uttered the famous last words that so many of us have foolishly uttered.

King Devapann: “And running into trouble with yogic mentors? Please that could never happen to me.”

The cruel universe with a twisted sense of humor let out an evil laugh and thought ‘challenge accepted’.

 

D-day arrives. Sagar, Bandit 1 and Bandit 2 are dressed up as the cleaning crew and haul their cart full of paraphernalia to the main palace gate. At the first security check point the guards screen the goods in the cart and pat down the men to check for concealed weapons. The guards look visibly tired from the late shift of the Sweet Sixteen party. They do a half ass security check of the goods in the cart. The high pitched screaming of teenage girls had taken its toll on the security. The bandit crew makes through the first security check point.

Next they have to go through gate 12B which was the entrance to the dhobi square. The security guard at gate 12B had been paid off to let them through. Sagar spots the guard who in turn gives a slight nod of recognition. Just as the cart gets closer to Gate 12B a burly guard stops the cart.

Burly guard: “Where do you think you are going?”
Sagar: “We are the cleaning crew to clean up after the party. We were told to report to gate 12B.”
Burly guard: “Do you have the work approval scroll?”
Sagar: “Why yes. The work approval scroll.”

Sagar spreads his palm in the direction of Bandit 1.

Bandit 1: “Work approval scroll.”

Bandit 1 spreads his empty palm in the direction of Bandit 2. Bandit 2 scrambles inside the back of the cart and digs out a scroll. Sagar hands it over to the Burly guard. Burly guard inspects the scroll.

Burly guard: “The seal looks authentic. But you are headed in the wrong direction. You have to report to gate 14 first.”

Sagar not wanting to push his luck decides to follow the guard’s instructions and heads to gate 14. After rolling in the direction of gate 14 bandit 1 sneaks a peek at the burly guard. The burly guard stares back at bandit 1. Bandit 1 manages a smile and looks toward gate 14.

Bandit 1: “The guard is still watching us.”
Sagar: “I guess we have to make it through Gate 14 and catch up with the Booty squad…somehow.”

At gate 14 there are 2 guards stationed. They seem to be in a cheerful mood.

Sagar: “Excuse me sir, we are the cleaning crew. We were told report to you.”
Guard 1: “I wasn’t told to let any cleaning crew through today. Do you know about this Jaggu?”
Jaggu: “Nope. No cleaning crew news.”
Sagar: “Well may be there was a mistake in the paper work. The pigeons were sent out at the last minute by the ministry.”
Guard 1: “Well then sucks for you. No orders, no getting in.”

Sagar gives a vacant stare at his accomplices who have equally vacant expressions. An impeccably dressed man walks up to the security to get through.

Guard 1: “Salaam Raoji. Last night was spectacularly managed.”
Raoji: “Thanks. Who are they?” (referring to the crew)
Guard 1: “Cleaning crew. No orders came through for letting them in though. So we are sending them back.”
Raoji: “Oh thank God! I’ve been begging the labor ministry for years. The papyrus work finally went through.”
Guard 1: “You know about this?”
Raoji: “I am not letting you send them back. I desperately need extra hands in there.”
Guard 1: “Okay, so long as it’s not my head on the line.”
Raoji: “I will keep an eye on them personally. Come along boys.”

The bandits can’t believe their luck and start unloading the cart.

Raoji: “Oh no, you won’t need those ghastly bourgeois brands in there. I will give you all the supplies you need. Now hurry along, we don’t have all day.”

Raoji starts walking at a fast pace. Afraid of losing their chance to get in, the bandits run along Raoji’s side.

Raoji: “The guards are always so paranoid. Anyway, we had to get one dozen elephants for last night’s party and they have made a terrible mess in the stables. So I want you to clean up the stables before the western breeze kicks in and starts blowing the ghastly smell into the palace.”

The bandit crew is now reluctantly following Raoji with visions of giant piles of elephant poo.

Raoji: “Here you are. This is where you report to me, in the main servant quarters. Gopal will show you where the supply closet is.”
Booty Fool: “There you are Raoji.”
Raoji (not pleased): “I’m very busy today.”
Booty Fool: “I don’t mean to take up too much of your time. But the princess would like the sheets in her room changed again. The staff put in pink sheets but the princess would much rather have the mauve ones.”
Raoji: “Everyone is busy. Her room was made up to her request. We have a full schedule today, the staff will get to it as soon as they can.”
Booty Fool: “I don’t see these men doing anything. I can take them off your hands.”
Raoji: “They are about to sanitize the stables.”
Booty Fool: “Oh I’m sorry. I will let the princess know that the elephant stables have a higher priority than her room and I am sure she will be very understanding.”
Raoji: “Grrr! Okay fine take them. I don’t have time for this. You three, report to me as soon as you are done with the princess’s room okay?”

Booty Fool starts moving away in the same hurry as Raoji. Bandit crew catches up with Booty Fool.

Bandit 1: “Phew! That was close. We were…”
Booty Fool: “Sshh! Keep some distance behind me, your head low and follow me.”

Booty Fool navigates them through the palatial labyrinth. As they make their way up the stairs Booty Fool confronts the bandit crew.

Booty Fool: “WTF were you doing at Gate 14? I specifically told you to go to Gate 12B.”

Sagar: “Something came up okay. But we made it in didn’t we?”

Booty Fool: “Well hardly. You would be picking up elephant poop if it hadn’t been for me. I will take you to the princess’s room because God knows the Booty Squad wants to get some money and be done with this maid stint. So don’t screw up.”

Sagar: “Don’t worry. We have it under control now.”

Booty Fool: “Alright. Here we are. The dressing room is the first door to the right. Good luck.”

The Bandit crew opens the door to the princess’s bedroom. The three bandits enter the palatial room. Giant windows lined with silk curtains. In the center of the room there is a plush bed with a thousand pillows of different colors and sizes, the bed posts are covered with fresh flowers and the butterfly motif runs through the walls. A fragrant lavender perfume pervades the room.

Bandit 1: “Girls…yeesh!”

The bandits swiftly move to the dressing room. The door is locked. Sagar thrusts his empty hand in front of Bandit 1.

Sagar: “The key.”

Bandit 1 thrusts his hand in front of Bandit 2.

Bandit 1: “The key.”

Bandit 2: “I don’t have it.”

Bandit 1: “What do mean you don’t have it? I gave it to you to keep it safely, remember?”

Bandit 2: “Yes, and I did. It is safely tucked away in the cleaning supplies.”

Sagar: “Are you fucking serious?”

Bandit 1 (smacks Bandit 2 on his head): “You idiot.”

The room reverberates with a mysterious voice: “I-diot”

Sagar: “What the hell was that?”

Bandit 2 stands closer to Bandit 1 and they all look around feeling a bit tense.

Bandit 2: “I heard the palace was haunted. Maybe it’s true.”

Sagar: “Alright, we don’t have time for this superstitious nonsense. But if we don’t figure out how to get through this door soon, we are going to be screwed.”

Mysterious voice (reverberates): “Screwed!”

The bandits are now visibly tense.

Bandit 1: “It’s probably best that we leave.”

Bandit 2: “Should we clean the room before leaving.”

Sagar gives angry stares to Bandits 1 and 2. Suddenly, the bedroom door springs open and two shadowy figures walk in. The bandits quickly grab things closest to them and assume fight poses. Sagar stands on one leg in a coiled position with a pillow in his hand, Bandit 1 points a vase like a sword and Bandit 2 holds a chair over his head. Booty Queen and Booty Luscious enter the door.

Booty Queen: “At ease soldiers.”

Sagar (sheepishly): “Oh thank God.”

Booty Queen: “So everything in order?”

Sagar: “Well…would you happen to have an extra copy of the key to the dressing room?”

Booty Luscious (disgruntled sighs): “I told you they were not reliable.”

Booty Queen (miffed): “It took me one month and some unspeakable favors to get the key forged. One month! And yet here you are without the key. The one key! Alright this is the final time Booty Squad comes to your rescue Sagar. If you fail, I swear we will personally hunt you down.”

Mysterious voice: “Hunt!”

Sagar and the bandits look startled.

Booty Luscious: “Oh relax. It’s the parrot.”

For the first time Sagar and his goons notice a parrot perched up on a ledge in the ceiling.

Booty Queen: “The parrot has the original key on the necklace around his neck. The bastard will only answer to the princess. No matter, I know how to deal with him.”

Booty Queen brandishes a slender wooden tube concealed in her waist band, aims it at the parrot and as soon as she blows into the cylinder a dart darts straight towards the parrot and lodges into the parrot’s neck. The parrot plunges towards the floor as the word “screwed” echo into the room in the same mysterious voice.

Booty Queen and Booty Luscious leave the room and the bandits hustle to get the key. They open the dressing room and furiously pack all the jewels and clothes into the laundry bag that Raoji had so graciously provided.

Sagar: “Wrap it up boys. We are running out of time.”

Bandit 1: “Done, let’s scoot.”

The three walk in a hurry with overstuffed laundry bags.

Bandit 2:  “Which way are we going?”

Sagar (pulls out a papyrus): “This way.”

They navigate the palace successfully to get to the gate with the paid off security guard. He lets them out. They hurry out to the cart by Gate 14.

Sagar: “Load the stuff, quickly.”

All of them scamper into the cart. Just when the cart begins to moves, it is stopped. Raoji appears to have caught up with them.

Raoji: “And where do you think you are going?”

Sagar: “Um…”

Raoji: “Is that the laundry in the cart?”

Raoji eyes the cart carefully. One of the overstuffed cloth bags had ripped open to reveal some jewelry.

Raoji: “Is that? Guards! Thieves!”

Sagar: “It’s jail or bail boys.”

Sagar whips the horses into action. The horses speed through the main gate as the guards prepare to give them a chase.

Vyasa: “That’s it for now, come back next week for our next session.”

Ganapati: “What?! You can’t stop now.”

Vyasa: “I can and I will.”

Le Goog's Les Paul

So Google did its part yesterday, for the innumerable masses trapped in cubicles doing mind numbingly boring (albeit well paying) jobs. In another stroke of genius, Google successfully decreased productivity worldwide by unleashing the Les Paul guitar doodle. Although the guitar doodle probably didn't touch the frenzy set off by the Pacman doodle, it was awesome!

Here be Pirates soundtrack on google guitar doodle:



I quote Jack Black who quotes AC/DC: "We roll tonight ... to the guitar bite ... and for those about to rock ... I salute you."

Rock on Google

Chapter 12: Sagar's seven (part 1 of 3)

Vyasa (V) is animatedly describing a dramatic drama script that he has been working on to Ganapati (G). G is soaking in every word excitedly because he is a sucker for action drama.

V in his best voice over guy voice: “In a world full of dirty laundry, is there hope? Coming soon to a stage near you. ‘Dhobi Ghat’. There is drama. ‘Hey Bhagwan, mere aakhri safed patloon par tumne ye keechad kyon uchala?’ There is action, ‘I need a washed pair of underwear stat. Dry stupid clothes dry’. There is romance. ‘Blank’. Okay scratch that.”

G: “Heh”

V (continues in a voice over guy voice): “Starring Lint Eastwood. Lint Eastwood voice over: ‘When you decided to wear unwashed undies, you had to ask yourself this question, do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?”

G pulls out the quill from his dhoti and revolves it: “Pow pow pow! I love Lint Eastwood!”

V: “Also starring Dinu Washing-ton. Dinu voice ‘I am not going to bury my laundry. My laundry is going to bury me.’ The only way he can survive is by doing more laundry. Also starring, Silk Smitten. Silk Smitten runs jiggling in slow motion.”

G: “Ah! I miss Riverwatch.”

V: “I don’t know man, breaking into Angallywood is tough. The politics…it’s killer but I can still deal with it. My half cousin’s wife’s uncle knows a guy who knows an assistant director. So I am pretty sure I can get around the bureaucracy with nepotism.”

G: “Well played.”

V: “But they kill you with edits and censorship man! They stripped my script to some melodramatic sob story which only a masochist could read through and the ghastly dialogues, it’s like the script is written for a 4 y old, you know a really dumb 4 y old.”

G: “Well you could do the silly stuff until you have a leg in and then once you have some street cred move onto something you would like to do.”

V: “Gah! You’re like my dad. That’s such a sell out mentality. I for one will adhere to my standards. I’m going to think big. I want to break the mould, put it out there.”

G: “Talk to me in five years”.

V: “I was thinking about this drama script called “Dhobi Ghat” where the laundry is a metaphor for life. It doesn’t matter who you are in life. Whether you are a king or a poor grad student, you always have some dirty laundry to do. Sure some people can throw money at the problem, get other people to do their laundry but the problem never goes away. There is always more laundry to do.”

G: “Obviously you have given a lot of thought to laundry”.

V: “And just like in life, with laundry we are confronted with choices. Should you play by the rules set by the clothes retailers on those itchy labels or should you risk it all and dare to wash the dry clean only clothes with the regular clothes? Should you sort the loads by the fabric composition or by color? If by fabric compo then where does the 50% cotton and 50% silk go? You see how I give life’s big questions a new perspective?”

G: “Yeah, mind blowing”

V: “Then there is the issue about color. You’d think it is a clear cut issue here. You should never mix the colored ones with the whites, cause then you are just asking for trouble.”

G: “Woah! Okay that’s going a bit too far”.

V: “We live in a sick world my friend. I had a room-mate once who not only mixed colors with whites, he washed the delicates and cottons together. What are we? Animals?”

G: “No that’s not what I meant. I was alluding to the metaphor…”

V: “Forget about the metaphor. The coolest part about Dhobi Ghat is…you’ll never guess it. Okay ready?”

G: “Please tell me there won’t be any ghastly laundry puns.”

V: “Well of course not.”

G: “Well good.”

V: “Did that take a load off your mind.”

G: “Aargh!”

V: “Okay okay, check it out, for realz this time. Ready? There will be no Dhobi Ghat in the whole story. People are going to expect it and they will keep waiting for it and I won’t give it to them. The movie will end abruptly and leave the audience hanging…like the laundry. I am going to totally go meta on the audience.”

G: “Wow! Is there something else you are looking into for, you know, back-up in case this thing doesn’t take off?”

V: “I don’t know, I probably should. My stuff could be a bit too sublime for Angallywood. When the time comes I might get a regular job, just to pay the bills and such.”

G: “Yeah, good idea. So what about the dissertation?”

V: “Heh! I’ve been procrastinating I must admit. But now is as good a time as any to get back to it. Are you up for it?”

G: “Am I? Let’s do this thing!”

V narrates: “It was high noon. The sun was blazing. The royals and the guards were hung over from last night’s celebrations. The princess’s jewels had still not been taken to the treasury. Sagar the con man had kept the plan simple.”

1 month before...

Sagar: “All we have to do is break into a palace with security system that rivals that of Brahmastra Inc., which was last we tried impregnable. We need to cross the moat with hungry crocodiles, scale the giant wall which is 2000 feet high, get past about 3000 security personnel unnoticed, find the location of princess’s bedroom out of the 349 rooms in the palace, get past the princess and her maids, steal the jewelry and live off the money we make from selling the stash.”

Bandit 1: “This is impossible”.

Sagar: “If by impossible you mean completely possible then yes.”

Bandit 1: “Okay I’m leaving”.

Bandit 2: “Even if we somehow make it in there, are we supposed to carry the whole stash out of the place unnoticed?”

Sagar: “Yeah, ideally.”.

Bandit 1: “And how many men do you think we need to do this job?”

Sagar: “Men? Have you heard of the Booty squad? Together we will be Sagar’s seven!”

Chapter 11: How Yayati got his mojo back

(Here is a consolidated version of the Twitter episode. It reads like a Twitter feed, so start reading from the bottom.)

gbappa
@vyasagrad Alright jeez. So you don't have a good ending to the story. C u @D'rakshas.

vyasagrad
@gbappa What is with endings? Is it a happy ending? Is it a sad ending? Who cares? Yayati dies of old age and Puru dies of STD. Everybody dies G. That's how all stories end. There are no happy endings. No rainbows and butterflies. Alright? 

gbappa
@vyasagrad wait what happens to Yayati and Puru?

vyasagrad
@gbappa The end of chapter 11, meet you @D'rakshas

purutheguru
@yayatithehotty God u r boring. I have some awesome ruling to do so if we can cut through the monologuing and get my youth back it would be great. Kthxbye.

yayatithehotty
@purutheguru Son, you gave me the greatest gift there was. Last year has been amazing. But I have learned there is more to life than sex, alcohol and rock and roll...

(1 year later)

purutheguru
@yayatithehotty, @son1, @son2, @son3 See you at my crowning ceremony suckers.

devyaniscool
@yayatithehotty You disgust me.

yayatithehotty
@purutheguru Alright, since I seem to be running out of options I will take it if you throw in the phone# of the hotty wearing yellow flowers from last nights party.

purutheguru
@yayatithehotty The right to the throne you say? You are on like Hanuman. However, you can has my youth for 1 y only.

yayatithehotty
@purutheguru (aka son4) You are my last hope. Son please, be a man!

son3 has blocked yayatithehotty

son2
@yayatithehotty fwd re:tweet from @son1 :p Also u need a new handle...hotty?! 

yayatithehotty
@son2 fwd tweet for @son1

son1
@yayatithehotty No dad, your kingdom is not worth the saggy balls.

yayatithehotty
@son1 Son, I once more have the urge to taste the nectar of youth.Would you be willing to trade your youth for the right the rule the kingdom.

(15 years later.Yayati's 4 sons have grown into horny young teens and Yayati is a horny young teen at heart).

yayatithehotty
@sukracharya OK fine pwn3d my ass. I'm begging you...gimme my mojo back. #cbmb

yayatithehotty
@sukracharya I LOL @ ur curse. If anything the gray hair makes me look dignified. Wait what's happening with my balls? #cbmb

Sexy Sarmishta
@yayatithehotty Great! I'm preggers too...there goes my figure #cbmb

sukracharya
@yayatithehotty Curse u Yayati, I missed the grant deadline thnx 2 all this family drama. Prepare 2 be old and mojoless #cbmb

yayatithehotty
@devyaniscool Ur pregnant! But more importantly, u told on me? Not cool!

Devyani Iscool
@sukracharya I HATE YOU!!! All u care about is ur stoopid grants & research. FYI, I’m preggo and Yayati cheated on me with Sarmishta #CBMB

sarmishtasposse
@sexysarmishta Who sleeps with my bff and cheats on devyani? PINK FLOWERED YELLOW PANTS! #cbmb

sarmishtasposse
@sexysarmishta Oh no U didn't! Deets pls

yayatithehotty
@devyaniscool Looks like the dhobi mixed up the laundry again...nothing to be suspicious about...he he...I looooove you...<3 <3 :* #cbmb

yayatithehotty
@sexysarmishta Crap! 2 words for you...direct messages #cbmb

devyaniscool
@sexysarmishta And how would you know? #cbmb

sexysarmishta
@yayatithehotty Were they yellow with pink flowers? #cbmb

yayatithehotty
Is mourning the loss of his favorite underpants. @devyaniscool Get off twitter and look for them already. #cbmb

sukracharya
Hi. This is the Sukracharya. I just joined.

devyaniscool
@sukracharya Daaadd! Sarmishta is flirting with Yayati. Make it stop. #cbmb

sexysarmishta
@yayatithehotty You were looking sexy at the river bank yesterday, have you been working out? #cbmb

sexysarmishta
@devyanisposse Hi Devyani, what's up with the new ID? #cbmb

devyanisposse
@sexysarmishta @sarmishtasposse @devyaniscool Devyani so doesn't have a mustache. Devyani, as her ID states, is cool. #cbmb

crystalblur
I have 1 from the internet. Q: Why do most gay men have mustaches? A: To hide their stretch marks.

vyasagrad
@gbappa Groan!!

gbappa
@vyasagrad E-nuff with the stache jokes already :p

vyasagrad
@gbappa Eeeeeeeeee who?

gbappa
@vyasagrad Eeeeeeeeee

vyasagrad
@gbappa ooh I luv knock knock jokes...who's there?

gbappa
@vyasagrad Knock knock

vyasagrad
@gbappa Do U know any mustache jokes?

sarmishtasposse
@sexysarmishta Wait I got another 1...what is she (@devyaniscool) auditioning for? a porn movie...u know bcoz of the stache...haha LOLZ

sexysarmishta
@sarmishtasposse Haha G1 You'd think she would at least bleach the stache for the wedding day

sarmishtasposse
@sexysarmishta @devyaniscool LOLZ her dhoti will go well with her stache

sexysarmishta
@devyaniscool Heard you proposed to @yayatithehotty? Will you be wearing dhotis next?

vyasagrad
@gbappa Or so she thinks...muahahahaha

gbappa
@devyaniscool hooks up with @yayatithehotty ? Good for Devyani

yayatithehotty
so this is what it feels like to be married...

devyaniscool
Wedding day was almost perfect except for Dad’s goof up of getting @sexysarmishta to become my maid of honor. Maid dad, not maid of honor.

gbappa
@vyasagrad Stop padding up these stories like ur resume

vyasagrad
@gbappa R u crazy? 140 tweets or less…maybe

gbappa
@vyasagrad episode 11 in 140 characters or less?

crystalblur
Chapter 11: How Yayati got his mojo back

Must watch movies and more

Updated on: 5Jan10

Ola readors and readoritas! Enjoying Christmas break by doing all kinds of fun things I suppose. If you have access to snow you must try making some Calvin snowmen. Buck and I made some and it was the most fun ever! We had a couple of evil snowmen attacking little snowmen with butter knives. Evil is so much fun :)

Anyhoo...I have decided to start an ongoing list of must watch, must avoid and everything in between movies. Will start with a list of recent (post 2007) releases ‘coz I recently got a Netflix account and have started catching up on movies released in the past couple of years. Here we go:

Awesome

1) 9 (The animation, the beasts, the creativity…what’s not to like…well okay the ending could’ve been better, but still the awesomeness cannot be denied.)

2) District 9 (I loved the aliens, the plot, the script…not one boring moment).

3) Doubt (The amazing Meryl Streep! Script and plot rocked my world...absolutely loved it).


Awesome but depressing

1) The boy in the striped pajamas (Nazi Germany as seen through two eight year old boys. You never see the brutality on the screen and somehow that makes it even more chilling. It is a brilliant movie).


Surprisingly entertaining

1) Bolt (From the previews I had low expectations but it what a cute movie it turned out to be).

2) Julie and Julia (Brisk, light and as usual Meryl Streep rocks!).

3) The devil wears Prada (Meryl Streep again! Plus you get to see fabulous clothes paraded around).

4) Tulpan (I know I shouldn't judge a country based on a farce such as Borat but I did. Am I glad I watched Tulpan. The balance has been restored. I will continue to judge).


Only if you are really bored

1) Hancock (It was a very bizarre plot but at least it never got boring or annoying).

2) Enchanted (Amy Adams is adorable. Fairy tale princess on the cynical streets of New York…it coaxes a smile out of you).

3) Ella enchanted (Cinder-ella with a twist…me likey).

4) Land of the lost (Matt Lauer bits were hilarious. Other than that it was a drag. So watch the first and last 5 min of the movie and the rest is avoidable).


Could not take more than 15 min of this crap

1) Confessions of a shopaholic (Seriously, get a script before making a movie).

2) Step brothers (I love Will Ferrell but this was just too crass).

3) Nobody knows (I’m referring to the Japanese one…apparently there is a Korean movie by the same name too. The movie is well-made, based on a true story yadayadayada but it was like watching a 2 h rape scene…seriously sadistic! Watch it only if you want to punish yourself).

4) The code (Yikes…didn’t watch beyond the first 10 min…may be it gets better, didn’t care to find out).

5) Marley & me (Depressing and annoying. It is not a badly made movie but being an avid watcher of 'the dog whisperer' I found the uncontrolled mayhem that the dog unleashes throughout the movie highly irritating. I have low tolerance for people who adopt pets and then don't do a good job of taking care of them).

6) The tale of Despereaux (Possible the most boring animated movie I have watched).

7) Mall cop (Crap).

Addictive TV shows that make you hate having a job:

1) Sopranos (This show made me crave Italian food like I've never before. Buy lots of pasta and Ragu with the DVDs)

2) 24-season 1 (Every episode ends in a cliffhanger. So the best way to keep a day job while doing a marathon with this show is to stop watching it in the middle of the episode. That way you can stop without going nuts).

3) Six feet under (I just loved this show!)

4) Dexter (Initially I didn't care for the show, the science is pretty crappy, plus the guy who plays the main character in Dexter is a homosexual in six feet under, so it took me a while to 'accept' Dexter but now I am hooked).

Of shrooms and koopalings

Dear Princess Peach,

Hi! In case you are wondering where I am and what's taking so long I thought I should write. I am stuck in the freaking desert for the last 3 days. Yes Luigi is with me but that hasn't made things any easier. Sure we are getting better each day but looks like you will be with the koopalings for a good few months.

Rest assured, if we don't give up on rescuing you and make it to the end I want to say this...you better be prepared to give one hell of a blow job.

Best,
Mario

5 toes make a right...foot

Ding! Tired feet ready themselves to exit the subway at Penn Station NY. “This is Canal street”, proclaims the train announcement. One man is appalled. The tired feet march on. One pair of feet recklessly run at 20mph in the quest to catch a connecting train. Mad rush. The running feet nearly run over a man. The man who was almost run over utters a single word, “Jeez!” The 20mph feet screech in their sneakers which in turn give out a high pitched squeal. Then without acknowledging the mini outburst, the feet carry on at 15 mph. Around the corner, a quarter succumbs to gravity. The sound of metal colliding with the floor reverberates only for a moment. The coin finds a resting place in the wet brown ick of the subway. Amazingly, the coin is not orphaned and makes its way back into the wallet. At least one person is appalled and feels heartfelt gratitude for the invention of credit cards. The feet carry on, turning another corner and stumbling upon the familiar face of ‘Sleepy Lester’ and his harmonica. This time the feet are tempted to slow down or even stop. But they don’t…they march on.

Crystal and the physics of kayaking

I went kayaking last weekend! Never thought I would kayak because a) the kayaks look like flimsy, non-reliable contraptions of doom and b) I have very miserable hand strength. I struggle with sealed water bottle caps…yes it is that bad.

But then I met Buck’s friend Chip. Chip is in his 50s (or 60s?), very active, athletic and enthusiastic about kayaking. He convinced me to give it a try and I thought okay, it can’t be that bad. I have rowed a boat in Powai or somewhere in Mumbai and I can swim albeit frog style. So I should be able to handle it. Happily I agreed and made my way to a kayaking lesson.

Chip of course was very excited and when we got to his house, we were confronted with 3 kayaks locked and loaded on top of his Jetta. How do you fit 3 kayaks on a medium sized 4-door car you ask? Apparently you need some basic knowledge of trigonometry, a little bit of integration and derivatizing and then multiply the whole thing with Plank’s constant to get a unique number that does not appear in the Fibonacci sequence. So obviously it is yellow, green and white from left to right, left and right being relative terms which you can figure out using Einstein’s constant of relativity. It is good to know all the constants, it evens out all the equations and stabilizes them. Man, was I glad I took all those math and physics classes or we would have never headed out to the water. Then to remember the order in which the Kayaks go on the car Chip came up with an acronym. Of course later on we forgot the acronym, so then we had to come up with another acronym to remember the first one. It is all very hazy now.

Lesson 1: Getting into the kayak.

Yeah, it starts there. How do you get into a wobbly kayak that is more tipsy than Jack Sparrow at 10 in the morning? First you take a journey through time and go back to the buoyancy lessons you took in the physics class. Multiply the kayak with the buoyancy constant to make the kayak stable and then leap ‘crouching tiger hidden slip disk’ style and aim to land straight into the kayak cockpit. If you try this, let me know how it worked out for you. Then you find your center of gravity which is usually right under your butt. Now it is time to bid good bye to land sweet land and make way to the watery grave.

Lesson 2: Rowing

Apparently you do not need hand strength to row a kayak if you are doing it correctly. The stroke requires you to use the abdominal and back muscles. I know what you are thinking. An ab workout in the middle of a lake? Where do I sign up?

It is pretty much like learning to ride a bike. You balance the kayak with your knees, if the wave tips the kayak to the right you lift your right knee which is wedged against the kayak side to lift it up. The trick is to not over compensate, coz once you get into a pendulum swing the sin theta will increase and what that means in layman terms is that you are about to swim with the fishes.

So that also brings up the other problem of rowing. The oar is held the same way one would hold a balancing stick on the tight rope. Then without bending the elbows too much you begin to row. To row correctly you need to swing your torso side to side. The problem with that is …you have to move the upper torso. Once you find your center of gravity, you don’t want to mess with the posture too much. So that’s the challenge. Add to that, an uneven strength in the strokes depending on whether one is righty or lefty. I being righty, the kayak kept steering to the left. So navigating was an added challenge.

I kept venturing out in the center of the lake because I felt the water was steadier there as compared to the water’s edge which had more of the ripples and waves. However, I realized that it was a very bad idea for a n00b to do that. Thankfully, my beginners luck spared me the agony of toppling into the water. However, Buck wasn’t as lucky. His kayak took a bad turn with gargantuan sin theta values and Buck was water bound. The important thing is not to panic. Even when you can’t feel the ground beneath your feet, which Buck didn’t. So now there was the task to get Buck ashore and tow the kayak and oar to the shore. Buck pretty much had to swim to the shore because we weren’t familiar with techniques of getting back into the kayak in the middle of the lake. Plus the gravitational constant is too high for you to do crouching tiger. Add to that Newton’s second and third law of motion. Buck as a result was left with little or no thrust.

I will stick with the shore next time.

Surprisingly Buck didn’t get psyched out by the dupki he took in the water and went for another round of kayaking. I on the other hand called it a day.

Lesson 3 is in July.

Meanwhile I found these videos of kayaking on you tube. Simply amazing. Hope you guys will get excited about kayaking after reading this post and put all your physics and math skills to test.

Alice in wonderland

I decided to take another plunge into the rabbit hole last week when I came across “The Annotated Alice”. This time around, I had a Gardner by my side, Martin was his name and he revealed that there were many a things left unexplored when I first visited wonderland. Cleverly hidden math riddles, wordplay and illustrations, I was dazzled by it all. Curiouser and curiouser as I got, alas a dreadful question I asked, which was quite so eloquently put by Smokie when they sang…

Twenty-four years just waiting for a chance,
To tell her how I'm feeling, maybe get a second glance,
Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice...
Alice, who the fuck is Alice?

Alice Liddell photographed by Lewis Carroll

So I had questions, more questions than Alice had for the dormouse, about Alice and the Dodo with the pen name called Carroll. I was curiouser, that he chose a little girl as the protagonist. Was he a feminist? A social activist perhaps? How did he concoct this fantastical fantasy land? Much to my chagrin, Wonderland started transforming into Michael Jackson’s Neverland and my now disturbed mind was filled with images of Carroll Carroll (as Vladimir Nabakov referred to Carroll, comparing him with Humbert Humbert from Lolita). In fact, in the introduction to the annotated Alice, which I had conveniently skipped and proceeded to jump deep into Wonderland enjoying tea parties and croquet, there was a disclosure of some circumstantial evidence that Carroll might have been…(gag)…a pedophile.

Lewis Carroll

Of course the moment I read that, I was filled with disgust and I felt a shudder as I wondered about Alice and other ‘child friends’ that Carroll made over the years. Who was Alice? Was she a fictitious character or one of Carroll’s child friends? Many believe that Carroll designed Alice after Alice Liddell, who was the daughter of Henry Liddell, a friend of Carroll. He described Alice Liddell as ‘a child of quite unearthly beauty.’

He wrote a letter to Alice Liddell after she got married stating, “I have had scores of child-friends since your time but they have been quite a different thing.” Gardner mentions that it is also known that Mrs. Liddell was suspicious of Carroll’s kinship with Alice and took measures to discourage their interaction. Mrs. Liddell all of the early letters to Alice. Carroll would often sign off his letters to his special friends as 10,000,000 kisses. However, in Gardner’s view Carroll’s intentions could not have been sexual.

Gardner also mentions that Carroll was adept at meeting little girls and would carry knick knacks to peak the girls’ interest. This would include safety pins to pin up the skirts of the little girls when they decided to wade in the water at the beach. He would sketch nude photos of his child friends with polite permission from the moms no less. Didn’t MJ have notes from mommas of his PJ buddies too?

Once Carroll offered a piece of blotting paper to a little girl who was drenched in sea water and said to her, “May I offer you this to blot yourself up?”

Whether Carroll was sexually interested in these little girl is something that is not clearly known. Some say in those days, taking nude photos of little girls did not have sexual connotations. Little girls would be admired for their purity and virgin beauty. Even so, I find that the way he sought out and consorted with little girls, was a bit odd.

Now I return to the mock turtle and the Duchess.

“Well, there was Mystery,” the Mock turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flappers…