Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Chapter 4: Meet the Focker

Vichitravirya’s honeymoon did not go very smoothly. It felt like a horrible day of playing golf. There were one too many holes to go and the equipment was malfunctioning. Ambika consoled him, “Just look at it this way honey. It can only get better.” To their dismay, it got worse. It turned out that Vichitravirya was firing blanks. Some say he died of performance anxiety. Others say, “Who cares?”
Satyavati was now in a fix. With the tragic events in the family Bhishma was the King again. Satyavati was concerned about the inheritance of the throne. She approached Bhishma about the matter.
Satyavati: “I am not happy with the way things are shaping out. I want my grandson to be the rightful owner of the throne.”
Bhishma: “Er…there is just one problem with that. You don’t have a grandson.”
Satyavati: “Stop being a smartass. I am aware of that and I have a fix. I am expecting a visitor.”
Bhishma: “What the…oh my… are you pregnant? Who is he? I am going to kick his ass.”
Satyavati: “Calm down. I am not pregnant. But there is something you need to know. Why don’t you sit down and have a glass of water first?”
Bhishma: “Oh come on. I think I can handle it.”
Satyavati: “Alright. This happened before I met your father. I was by the riverside, you know doing my own thing and out of nowhere I met this hot young man.”
(Ganapati: “What’s up with all these hook ups by the riverside?”
Vyasa: “There weren’t any clubs yet.”)
Satyavati: “He was the most kind and generous man I ever met. Did I mention he looked hot? (Sigh!) Anyway, he was always buying me stuff from Chandramukhi’s secret like perfumes and red lacy…”
Bhishma: “Good God woman! Please spare me the details. Just stick to the highlights.”
Satyavati: “Oh alright. Long story short we made out and I had a son.”
Bhishma: “What? I mean WHAT?”
Satyavati: “Here we go…take long deep breaths….”
Bhishma (sitting down): “Woah woah woah. You weren’t a virgin when you married my father? Dad was fine with that?”
Satyavati: “Don’t be silly. Your Dad didn’t know.”
Bhishma: “But that’s impossible. I know my Dad was not the smartest cookie. But even I would’ve caught that you weren’t a virgin and I have never even done it.”
Satyavati: “Obviously you haven’t heard about reconstructive surgery. I had one.”
Bhishma: “Good lord! I think I’ll have the water now.”
Satyavati: “Do you want me to continue or do you need some recovery time?”
Bhishma: “I may regret this but carry on. Where is this son?”
Satyavati: “His name is Veda Vyasa. He is a brilliant man and would be happy to offer his services if needed. Frankly I don’t see any other alternative.”
(Ganapati: Ahem!
Vyasa: What?
Ganapati: You are telling me that this part of the story has nothing to do with the conversation we had yesterday about your virginity?
Vyasa: Ofcourse not! And for the last time I am NOT a virgin.
Ganapati: Okaaaay. Then tell me about this Vyasa character, does he get to sleep around?
Vyasa: This is my book and my story!
Ganapati grins widely.)
Bhishma: “Alright I guess. It’s worth a shot.”
Satyavati: “If he is anything like his father, trust me this will work.”
Bhishma: “Will you stop with the unnecessary details already?”
Vyasa rushes to Hastinapur as soon as he receives Satyavati’s pigeon mail. As the first order of things to do, Satyavati introduces her son to her daughters-in-law.
Satyavati: “Girls this is my son Vyasa. You can thank me later.”
Vyasa: “Hello ladies. I have a big package for you. (Wink wink).”
Sisters: Groan.
That night Vyasa shows up in the sisters’ room wearing a robe that says, ‘the man (up arrow) the legend (down arrow)’. Vyasa made the best of the opportunity he had in Hastinapur before heading back to the forest. In his stay, he had threesomes with the sisters and also got jiggy with a maid on the side. And just like that Ambika, Ambalika and the maid became pregnant.
Vyasa: Go me!
After two months of morning sickness, 20 pounds in weight gain, nine months of extreme uncomfort and 12 hours of excruciating pain, Ambalika and Ambika eagerly wait in the delivery room to hold their babies for the first time.
Satyavati: “Girls, I have some good news for you and some bad news for you.”
Ambika: “Let’s get over with the bad news.”
Satyavati: “Ambika your son is blind. The only reasonable explanation for this is that you closed your eyes when you conceived him. Ambalika, your son is an albino. Let me guess, you turned pale with fear when you conceived him?”
Sisters grin sheepishly.
Ambalika: “Well… so what’s the good news?”
Satyavati: “I saved a bunch of money on my chariot insurance by switching to Kaayko.”
Sisters: Groan.
No points for guessing which kid was named Pandu (whitey). The blind baby was named Dhritarashtra. The maid gave birth to a healthy baby boy as a result of not contorting her face in any manner and named him Vidura.
(Ganapati: May I say that your knowledge of biology is pretty screwed up.
Vyasa: I have a feeling that this is going to be a painfully long ordeal.)

(To be continued...)

44 comments:

Jk said...

The first one to comment...Yipppeeee... can't stop laughing, crysy..jhakaas stuff... u seem to be getting funnier post after post...keep the series going.. am liking it very much...really apreciate the way u have included the finer details of the not-so-famous characters of the Mahabharatha...

nku said...

The good news is too good. Kaayko insurance!! Mahabharata goes global! Ha ha ha ha :-)

You sure are brilliant man! Go, go!

Ambar said...

The man, the legend ROFLOL!

Nithya Swaminathan said...

crys this is the best episode so far... awesome! the up arrow down arrow stuff was ROTLMAO!

parikrama said...

"Can’t stop this thing we started"

Keep going gurl. Look at all those people who are lapping up every single word that U are dishing out.. No wonder U are playing a lil hard to get.. what with all of those sneak peaks of title.. concealer.. ocuss.. focuss.. foo..etc etc.. U don't want simpleton's like me to turn up to Ur blog na ? Thats why all of those tricky clues :(

Success has changed U Crys.. Ab tum "woh" Crys nahi rahi..

Anyways Lagey Raho..

Animesh said...

I have two questions,
Where do you get these plot ideas, and when is the next chapter coming?

And I also have 4 words for you:

This is fscking awesome!!!!

go girl!
-A

asterix said...

Crystal ,

darlin you rock !!!! :)

Awesome stuff!

Reshmi said...

whew!! now that i have some control over the laughter .... :)))

gr8 T-shirt idea with the arrows :D

and yea it is amazing how x-rated MB actually is. most ppl grow up on the clean and clear version of it. this will serve as a gr8 eye-opener :D

keep up the good work crysi!

Soham Pablo said...

Holy shit! It took me about a minute to wipe my tears off. People in my office were wonderin why I was sitting griining widely at the monitor occisionally guffawing.

My god....up arrow down arrow ....

Please keep up the GREAT work.

I would recommend your name for this years Sahitya Akademy, but I'm gonna be busy checkin out the riverside.....

Tenali Rama said...

It felt like a horrible day of playing golf...
:D - My salutations!

Btw, do you know Sanskrit? You've got all the names right!

Pleiades said...

BRILLIANT!!! Every line is effing UMMMAZING!!!

Can hardly wait for the next one!! :D:D:D:D

Crystal blur said...

Jk,
Lol @ yipee. I am amazed by Vyasa's details on characters. I hope I can pull this off without tampering with the storyline too much.
nku,
I love Geiko ads. They always crack me up (except the bear ad, where he eats the salmon :( )
Ambar, Nithya,Reshmi,
I couldn't figure out how to insert arrow in html..but text works too :)
Parikrama,
ROTFL @ tum woh crys nahi rahi. I thought the melodrama was only in the blogs :p As far as the http://obfusscator.blogspot.com goes...its just a site where I am experimenting with puzzles and stuff. You will always have direct access to the series without any participation in the puzzle solving. :)
Animesh,
Lol ...bhery phunny.
Soham,
I thought this would be a lesson against hook ups on riverside. (tut tut).:)
tenali rama,
How I wish I had learned some sanskrit. I have to do a lot of google searches sometimes...but its time well spend.
Pleiades,
wow thats a lot of vowels in your ID. Thanks.

A big thank you to you all for the encouragement :)
-Crys

Shruthi said...

The commments above have said it all! :)))

Kele Panchu said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kele Panchu said...

Great job crys!

I'm following the chapters (15 more to come? then you can write another 7 for the Ramayana).

"I've saved a bunch of money on my chariot insurance..."


:))

Manasi said...

Wow!
You creative is amazing man! I am impressed. Keep them coming and then compile them to form a book! I will be a bestseller no doubt!
BOL!
Manasi.

Harish Kumar said...

Awesome.

Arvind said...

hi crystal blur,

i have been following your posts for a few days now and i think you are a very good writer. have you read 'the Great Indian Novel' by Shashi Tharoor? if yes, i think you know why i am mentioning that book. methinks, the best joke - without taking anything away from the rest of them - is the Vichitravirya one. i am sure you are enjoying writing all this as much as your readers are enjoying reading the stuff - or may be more. if you continue like this you are going to carve not a little but a big niche in the universe. and yeah... a last word - and i am not telling it just like that - my intentions are the best you can ask for. you are actually very funny and original in your ideas and jokes; i think the just-like-that motif is turning out to be the fly in the ointment factor, if you know what i mean. you dont need it.

happy writing.

Pip Pip and Toodle-oo,
Arvind

Ginkgo said...

haha...tht was neat...:-)

Crystal blur said...

kele panchu,
Thanks kp. Its more like 50 to go. As far as Ramamyana goes..don't even get me started :p

Manasi,
It took me a second to figure out BOL...thanks girl! :)) Book? Abhi tak gaay ne doodh nahi diya aur tum dahi bechne ki baat kar rahey ho? Just kidding...that would be a dream come true.

Arvind,
Yes several people have recommended the GIN and I shall read it after I am done with this series. So far from the responses that I have got I have observed that readers like different elements of the humour. I guess its a matter of personal taste. Thanks for the detailed comment and critique.

Ginkgo, Harish, Shruthi,
Thanks for your comments.

-Crys :)

Doh said...

this was absolutomo ecstacy !
you oughtta be made illegal ! :)
and since somebody told me requests were legal :)
however be as it may ...
i would like to see synergies bw
BeeBeePeepee and Yumbilica proteges
maybe a world cup ...(ala the karan-arjun showdown ...and i do realise that there is a very cheesy precedent ) (for the male audience !! )
having said "Cur-man-Ye vadhika raste " still Still STill STIll ..(etc etc) rankles a bone !!
(doggie style) so do the honors :)

cheers much for the mirth :)
and of course take no prisoners on the style quotient :)

Ginkgo said...

lolz..part 2 was hialrious..

I had straight away read part 4 without realising this was a series..

The vichitra Virya and the Small talk between Ganpat and vyasa..are hilarious..
Maan u rock...:-)

If u have a yhoo account..add me in there...aranme2000@yahoo.com

wud luv to get to knw ya more..
Not sure u r a boy or a girl..but either way, Im sure ud be one hell of a person:-)

Antara said...

hey blur
your blog is surely awsome, with your eye for detail and comedy you can surely be famous and rich like Ms.JK Rowling!

tmww said...

Wonderful wonderful wonderful...
I like every bit of it.. including the fact that the writer is female of the species.. ;)

Fiction apart.. keep up the good work.. I will soon add you up in my bloggers list..

made my day.. :)
Abhinav

cheti said...

crys

this is crazy ! absolutely crazy cheesy .. ganpati is getting more and more wicked !!!

love every word of it !!!

Ashish said...

where is next chapter in series? pls don't make us wait....

aruna said...

Whoa!...u are a great writer!!!

I loved every single line..

As everyone mentioned here, you sure have to try publishing a book or copyright it...

good work !!

Archana said...

I simply love this version of the Mahabharata :-))! Waiting for the next installment to come out!

Vivek Krishna said...

pardon me if i sound MCP'ish but never met a girl with this kind of humor..eagerly awaiting for the next installment.

buckwaasur said...

so i finally get to comment...

like i said, this is the best one in the series yet...and i'm sure it'll keep getting better... :-)

Nandya said...

u absolutley rock my world...!!!!!

ha ha ha.....just cant stop laughing....

Anonymous said...

kayko insurance karne ka ! LOL .

man, crys, u rock . Waiting when you will be introducing crysna of the gopis fame ..

still LMAO ..


~Sahu

Crystal blur said...

Hey thanks everyone for your comments and please bear with me for the upcoming chapters. I hope to publish once a week bcoz its very tedious to balance my time between grad school and all the other crazy stuff. Will try my best to churn out a chapter a week.

-Crys :)

alkyron said...

this is so funny! it really made my day ... all the best for your studies , but i sure as HECK hope u keep this wonderfully madcap version up and running ... there's a whole ton of December gloom killing laughatrons in here :)

kudos , kudos!

Vivek said...

the grand saga continues... but do tell me if you have read Mahabharata or is it based on the tele serial and Great Indian Novel?

Crystal blur said...

alkyron...there might be a lag in the holidays since I will be ut of town :( will try my bestest :)

Vivek...As I have mentioned in some my comments before I use Mahabharata by C. Rajagopalachari as a resource in addition to which I use many online resources. I haven't read the great indian novel, will read it once I am done with the series. Definitely not the tele serial representation.

-Crys :)

-Crys

arjuna said...

u rock crystal..are thr any other parts comin up....cant wait to see wat happens when krishna...arjuna..and karna are ard...ppl in my office r thinkin i am mad coz i was laughin loudly when the arrow up/down part came..

Chaitu said...

what?... what?... I mean What?

Vivek Gupta said...

This surely is a very funny series and you are a very original humor writer. Don't mean to knitpick but your idea of T-shirt for Vyasa has been inspired from somewhere else. Would be nice to see if you acknowledge the source.

Crystal blur said...

Sorry didn't get to answer the comments here for so long.

Arjuna,
Glad you had fun reading and hope you will enjoy the upcoming episodes.

Chaitu,
eh?

Vivek Gupta,
'The man the legend' is a tee that my boyfriend has. I am not aware of any sources for one-liners that appear on tees or bumper stickers.

Thanks for the comments,
Crys

witnwisdumb said...

ROFLMAO

"Ganapati: May I say that your knowledge of biology is pretty screwed up."

Viks said...

too funny.
You are extremely talented. Remind me of me ;)
Keep up the good work and cant wait for more updates.

Geetali said...

hahaha!! oh man, i soo love this series.
Who are you? Where have you been all this time?!

Gokul said...

Quite simply, the best ever rendition of my favourite epic!
- Gokul