Sunday, December 04, 2005

Chapter 3: Bride and prejudice

Satyavati had put a ban on Santanu’s walks by the riverside. Some say he died of frustration, others say he died of old age. Chitrangada and Vichitravirya…

(Ganapati: Here on known as Ranga and Vichu.
Vyasa: Can’t you do a find and replace?
Ganapati: Can’t you choose smaller names?
Vyasa: Please write the name in its entirety. It’s really important for the storyline.
Ganapati raising his trunk: Fine!
Vyasa: I saw that. Don’t you give me the trunk!)

Vichitravirya and Chitrangada were too young to inherit the throne, so Bhishma took up the responsibility and became the interim King. Soon the two boys grew into testosterone driven horny young men. Chitrangada’s life took an unexpected turn when a Gandharva, who coincidentally was also named Chitrangada, challenged him to a battle. The Gandharva despised the fact that a mere mortal was also called Chitrangada. He decided the only way to settle this was with a battle. The winner gets to keep the name.

The battle lasted three years and ended in Satyavati’s son’s death.
Bhishma disclosed the sad news to Satyavati, “Your son is dead and you are to be blamed.”
Satyavati, “How could you say that?”
Bhishma, “Let me just put it this way, the boy I named is not dead.”

And just like that Vichitravirya became the King of Hastinapur. Vichitravirya seemed very disinterested in the Hastinapur politics and had started going for walks by the riverside to clear his mind. Bhishma realized that if he didn’t act soon, Vichitravirya was going to start using his cheesy pick up lines. Bhishma asked Satyavati to keep a close eye on Vichitrvirya while he would go check out the three sisters in Kasi who were of marriageable age.

Bhishma traveled to Kasi and found himself amongst many young suitors who had traveled great distances to meet the three sisters. Apparently the three sisters (Amba, Ambika and Ambalika) were pretty hot. Bhishma’s excitement soon turned into rage when he heard nasty remarks about his presence.
Man 1: “Who is that old man?”
Man 2: “That’s Bhishma. He claims to be a virgin.”
Man 1: “Virgin? Bah! Its all a publicity stunt.”
Man 3: “I’ve heard he is gay.”
Bhishma was enraged: “Listen you no good gossipmongers. There is no shame in being a virgin and I am not gay!”

(Ganapati: Do I sense some personal anguish here?
Vyasa: That’s ridiculous! I am very popular. Girls love my six-pack. May I add that it wouldn’t hurt you to go to the gym? Look at that tummy.
Ganapati: So a virgin huh?)

Bhishma announced: “I challenge everybody here. If you are man enough, stop me from taking these three sisters to Hastinapur”.
Most people were too stunned to react to this daylight abduction or they were just plain chicken. There was only one man who accepted the challenge. His name was King Salva and he was the secret lover of Amba. Unfortunately for Amba, her knight in shining armor did not pull through and was defeated by Bhishma. Amba was taken to Hastinapur along with her sisters.

Vichitravirya’s joy knew no bounds. He was drowned in visions of foursomes. This was the first royal wedding that was about to take place in a palace instead of some riverbank. Hastinapur went all out in preparing for the royal wedding. On the day of the wedding Amba decided to speak her mind to Bhishma.
Amba: “I know you are super excited about the wedding and all but I need to say this. I love somebody else. I love Salva.”
Bhishma: “That loser?”
Amba: “Atleast he came there in person to win me over.”
Bhishma: “I will talk this over with Vichitravirya.”

Amba waits for the verdict as Bhishma goes into Vichitravirya’s room. After a momentary silence Vichitravirya says, “I can deal with that. I am okay with threesomes. Amba can go marry Salva.”
And just like that Vichitravirya married Ambika and Ambalika. Meanwhile Amba set out on a journey to meet King Salva. After a long hard journey she finally arrived at the palace of King Salva.
Amba: “Honey I am home.”
Salva: “What are you doing here?”
Amba: “I convinced Bhishma to let me marry you. So here I am.”
Salva: “I can’t marry you. I am already known as the loser who got his ass kicked by a 60-year-old virgin. Please don’t make it worse. Go back to Hastinapur.”
Amba furiously: “Well I hope you can live with the ‘lame in the sack’ title, cause I will be interviewing with Hastinapur Times as soon as I get there.”

Amba went back to Hastinapur.
Amba: “Viru darling, I am back.”
Vichitravirya: “I am sorry dear, besides three is mind-blowing and four would probably kill me.”
Amba curses: “Bleeeeeep.” Walks over to Bhishma’s room.
Amba: “Bhishma baby, come on, we all know about the cold showers you take. How about we get married? You go kick Salva’s ass once more and take over his kingdom. We can live happily ever after.”
Bhishma: “I am sorry but you are not my type.”

Amba could not bear the triple rejection. Overcome by fury she cursed: “Bhishma you call yourself a virgin when you just screwed me over? I vow to return the favor by screwing your happiness too.”
And just like that Amba enrolled for weapons training in a military camp.

(To be continued...)

35 comments:

bilbo said...

Bhishma you call yourself a virgin when you just screwed me over?
that, IMO was the best line in this one. And the rest of it is ROFL too. awesome series. Keep it up

bottled-imp said...

keep it coming crys, am loving every line of it. great that you are not deviating from the epic even.

Silent Melody said...

Vyasa: I saw that. Don’t you give me the trunk!)

ROTFL Crys; Keep it coming

parikrama said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
parikrama said...

Different people.. Different strokes.. Prof. Suresh applauded the fact that U are not deviating from minute details..whereas I got a feeling that this episode dragged a bit (at times) coz u dwelled a lilttle more on the story.. n less on the punch lines.. Was gonna suggest that U can take some liberty with the details and skip some of the minor details,but looking at the response, I guess I'll have to keep my advise to myself :)

Anyways... U still rock. Amongst all the one liners, i like the phrase "& Just like that.." . What a fundoo way to explain intricacy & complexity of Life !!

Reshmi said...

LOL @ "Some say he died of frustration.." and most of the rest :)

continue on!

SeaSwallowMe said...

crys,

seeing that i've forgotten most of my amar-chitra-katha gyaan, i wouldn't know it if you played fast & loose with the facts either. i got to say - wish they'd been a PG-13 version like yours - i bet i would've retained the stories & the plots better :)

waiting for instalment #4 :)

Rads said...

Crys, this rocks big time!! :))

Keep em' coming!

Crystal blur said...

Hey guys,
Good to hear from you all.
SSM, when I refer to the original, I feel like my version is the Amar chitra katha version of the original TVMA edition :) But the complexity of the plot is something I did not appreciate before I began spoofing. I can't even imagine how Vyasa came up with all this.
IW..will consider adding more punch line.
Imp...Am currently happy with the original plot, so haven't taken too many deviations.
Bilbosan, Resh, Melody and Rads...glad you are enjoying the series.
Thanks everyone,
Crys

GREATBONG said...

Extremely enjoyable.

Jk said...

Hahahahaha, ROTFL...Totally awesome..have been thinking of writing one since yrs now but cud never get the time...thnks for doing it for me...really nice!

Anonymous said...

hey crys - makes for a real fun read!
ur writing reminds me of the definition of a mini skirt - long enough to cover the essentials, short enough to keep it very(!) interesting! ;)

ano

anthony said...

now who the %$$&^%&^%^%*& are you...? How have I not u/ur blog before..? U are a $#$%$%^^^&**(())()*,. U made me laugh so much right after dinner, my stomach seems like kumbkarna is yawning inside... My goodness... U re too GOOOOOOOOD... came in via Great Bong.. and aaaaarrgh my stomach... read all the chapters.. eagerly waitin for more...

Red said...

Your are brilliant. I just realised the Mahabharat has two Chitrangadas, the other being the Manipuri princess seduced by Arjuna

nku said...

Cool! Hilarious one :-) Keep 'em coming!

Animesh said...

@red: Chitrandaga and Chitrangadaa [two a's meaning the second swar of the devnagri script] are male and female names respectively.

I so hate the inability in English to properly write Hindi names!

Anyways, hilarious series Crystal. Will look forward to more of this.

One suggestion though, you may want to place the warning on top for the faint hearted that you used in the previous spoof. Just for people who might land up here as a result of some completely harmless google searches.

BTW, What abt the Shikhandi bit? I guess it is coming in a while :-).

Animesh
http://animeshpathak.blogspot.com

aashray said...

GB, JK, Ano, Anthoney, Red, Nku,
Thanks for dropping a line.

Ano,
Nice analogy there :)

Animesh,
Thanks for the suggestion...so far I haven't had any irate comments, so I think everybody is gets the humor here. And yes, Shikhandi is coming up soon :)

Thanks again yall,
Crys

Dhananjay Shettigar said...

JK referred this series to me. And, GOD bless him and of course YOU. Am reading this in the office and have hardly been able to control my laughter.
"Don't you give me the trunk." HILARIOUS!!! Eagerly awaiting your next installment.
BTW, I hope you would not mind if I link up your series on my blog as a MUST READ. And, blogrolling you.

Ambar said...

This stuff is hilarious! You should read Shashi Tharoor's Great Indian Novel after you're done with this series :-)

BTW, you're on desipundit!

Shruthi said...

This is totally funny :) AFter I read this, I went through the Rishyashringa series too... :D hollered with laughter :)
Waiting for more!

Ashish Gupta said...

this is amazing. can't control my laughter. you must complete the series. thanks...and good luck.

Sowmya said...

ROTFL!! First time here. I thought Krishna Dharma gave 'Mahabharata' a blockbuster treatment, but your version is totally hilarious. Waiting for the next chapter!

oz said...

Ah! a refreshing blog...extremely refreshing!

Crystal blur said...

Dhananjay,
Thanks in advance for referring my series.
Ambar,
I plan to read G.I.N., several people have recommended it and I am curious to see how that plays out.
Shruthi,
I am glad u liked reading my stuff. The Rishya series was how I got started.
Ashish,
Its some 50 chapters to go with grad school...so it may take awhile but I would like to complete this for sure.
Sowmya, Oz,
Thanks for stopping by.

It was fun reading the comments. Thanks yall
-Crys :)

L*J said...

Absolutely hilarious.
When are you filming this?
Keep it up :D

Crystal blur said...

l*j
I'm still waiting for offers ;)

alkyron said...

and to think that i was DOWNBEAT when i began reading this

*BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA*

Vivek said...

some lines are too ordinary... but maybe therein lies the charm of the spoof;)

Crystal blur said...

Awesome alkyron! I feel like I've accomplished my goal everytime I read that. :)

Vivek...my writing here tries to bring out a lot of different elements from the original Mahabharata. Hopefully you will find something more than ordinary as you read more of my blogs :).

-Crys

witnwisdumb said...

'Bhishma, “Let me just put it this way, the boy I named is not dead.” '

Dazzling wit.

Red said...

Btw Arjuna's wife and the Queen of Manipur was also called Chitrangada!

netneo said...

This has to be the funniest thing i have read ...in years
ROFL
Keep it up
U rock!

S4ur4bh said...

This is not about the text but about the pics ... :)

Nice job with the camera.. Congrats and keep the good work going . !

sunshine said...

lol.. definitely the next Douglas Adams in the making :)
Just be wary of Bajrang Dal :))

yogesh said...

Vyasa: I saw that. Don’t you give me the trunk!)

HA
HA
HA