Sunday, December 18, 2005

Chapter 5: The very secret diary of Amba

Princess Amba's diary

Day 1: I can’t believe Ambika and Ambalika are not getting cold feet for the swayamvara. How can they not worry about getting hitched to the blind date that wins at some stupid skill game that your father comes up with?
Day 2: Thinking of breaking up with Salva. I am tired of his commitment phobia.
Day 4: The palace is packed with stud muffins. I am having increasing second thoughts about Salva.
Day 5: I can’t believe that the 60-year-old virgin has decided to show up. He probably realized its better to be laid than never.
Day 6: My sisters and I have been kidnapped by the pervy virgin. Virgin….ha! He is always staring at Ambalika’s boobs.
Day 7: I cannot believe that Salva got his ass kicked by this old man. I don’t know which is better…an old fart or a young coward.
Day 8: Ambika has been motion sick. Friggin chariot ride is getting to me too.
Day 9: Reached pervy’s hometown…stupid Hastinapur. I thought being kidnapped was going to be the worst part of the ordeal. Turns out I will be Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day 10: I can’t take this anymore. All my sisters care about are the wedding plans. I am missing Salva’s hot bod. So what if he got his ass kicked? Atleast he tried to rescue me. I am going to take it up with the virgin and go back to Salva.
Day 11: I can’t believe Vichitra agreed to let me go that quickly. Am I not good enough for him? Maybe Ambalika was right about the boob job.
Day 12: On my way to Salva’s kingdom. At last I will be united with my hunkadelic heartthrob.
Day 13: Salva downright rejected me. That punk! I am going to interview with the Hastinapur times and tell them he is lame in the sack. How dare he?
Day 14: Going back to stupid Hastinapur. I hate the goddamn chariot ride.
Day 15: Can’t believe I am actually going to become Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day16: What is going on? Vichitra had the nerve to reject my proposal? When was the last time he was proposed to by a woman? I mean really…are big boobs that important?
Day 17: Lo and behold the masterplan. It’s the most logical thing to do. I can dethrone Salva and Vichitra in one move. I am going to marry the virgin. I will then convince him to defeat Salva and take his kingdom and then our kids can be the rightful heirs of Hastinapur. Cheque and mate baby.
Day 18: Un-fucking-believable! I have officially reached the lowest low. The virgin has rejected me. My master plan fell flat on its face. Three rejections in a row…I am going to need some serious therapy.
Day 19: I am wandering around in the jungle aimlessly. Have discovered some interesting mushrooms.
Day 384: Got a pigeon declaring that both my sisters are knocked up. Great!
Day 386: Met a defense attorney…Mr. Parsuram. He thought I have a great shot at a lawsuit. I have decided to sue the virgin’s ass. Hired Parsuram as my defense lawyer.
Day 387: The court trial begins.
Day 624: Got a pigeon declaring my sisters delivered. Still waiting for the goddamn jury selection to begin.
Day 728: Jury selection begins.
Day 740: We have charged the virgin with one count of kidnapping and 3 counts of mental torture. Parsuram kicked some serious ass in the court today.
Day 743: Virgin and his lawyer were such cocky bastards. His lawyer did not give a defense argument. His only words were, “Bhishma is not guilty.” I can’t wait to take my victory lap.
Day 744: My heart skipped a beat when the jury gave its verdict. They thought it was an open and shut case. On account of being a man, Bhishma was found not guilty on all charges. What’s more….they asked me to stop my belligerent behavior and fined me 100 gold bricks to compensate Bhishma for the legal fees.” Stupid Parsuram. Now I am bankrupt.
Day 750: I am hungry, horny and broke. Screw the legal bureaucracy. I am hiring an assassin for a Bhishma free world.
Day 780: They say the 6-faced Subrahmanya is the man to meet. From the name I am guessing he is a master of disguise.
Day 785: Turns out 6-faced is not a master of disguise after all. He just had 6 plastic surgeries. Could not afford him. He took pity on me and gave me his business card. He said if I recruit someone to his company he would seal the deal with me.
Day 820: It turns out I am no good at getting men to do anything for me. Ambalika was right about the boob job. I am going to plea King Drupada as a last resort. If this doesn’t work I am officially giving up.
Day 840: Where have all the real men gone? I stuck 6-faced’s business card on Drupada’s door to remind him what a coward he is. I changed the address on the card to a location where I will bury this diary. If you are reading this diary I hope you are the champion that I spend my life looking for. I have failed to take my revenge and have become a mushroom addict.
Day 842: Blue yellow red bubbles floating everywhere. Adjfnioa. Adnfdhfi.
Day 890: Mushrooms…adfnasdoif…..
Day 913: Got arrested trying to sell mushrooms.
Day 920: Can’t take this anymore. I have decided to end my miserable life. Good-bye cruel world.

(This chapter was tailored to the writing style of the hilarious VSD series authored by Cassandra Claire. To read the VSD series go here )

(To be continued...)



Salil said...

Hey really enjoyed reading your posts. I've linked them.

Kele Panchu said...

New ishtyle! Keep 'em coming.

Nandya said...

no madam....ur original style eeeess the bestest...pls continue in the same vein

Crystal blur said...

Thanks Salil for the plug :).

KP..thanks buddy (grin)

Nandya...missing g. bappa are we? Fikar not...the diary was something I had planned for this particular chapter and is a crucial part of the plot. The series is intended to go on in the way Chapter 1-4 were written.

-Crys :)

Saint_PH_Courtshire said...

Crystal Blur

This is hilarious. I am writing a PhD on the MBh and I'm going to send my advisor this link, she will probably offer to hire you as an assistant!

Saint P.H. Courtshire
(sounds pretentious, just an anagram of my name)

Fleiger said...

Hi, Happened to reach here through quite a big chain of blogs, but the visit is worth it. Sending the links to all my friends. Please keep them coming...

Right now I am ROTFL thinking what comments GB would have given on this part. (You guessed it, I have a soft spot for G'bappa, being named after him.)

parikrama said...

Strict “No..” “No..” for the VSD style posts in future.. Plz don’t rock the boat too much… as it is I suffer from “motion” sickness !! Waiting for the ole Crys to resurface..

vcd said...

a masterpiece in the making ... u should seriously consider publishing these chapters when u r done ... havent laughed harder in a long LONG time ...

Marw said...

.. with a lot of scope for free controversial publicity .. complete genius that ..

Deep said...

Hi Crys!!
Have enjoyed chapters 1-4 thoroughly... chap 5: not so much :( REALLY ur original style is awe-sum and u dont need to adapt to anyone else... to sum, we want 'amche g.bappa' in the middle of the mix again!

Dinesh said...

Great work..
Reached here through a chain of blogs but visit is worth..
As vcd said, you must think about publishing this work.. It'll definitely make you millionaire..
Btw, was thinking what will Vyasa comment on this?

Dinesh said...

I've linked to your blog entries. Check out here

Kausum said...

Awesome Series ... Keep 'em coming. But keep the original style ...

Ingenius ... "Yeh Dil Maange More"

Vivek said...

keeep the original style...

boob job joke is overused.... it ceased to be funny after the first few times (if not the first time)

but carry on the good work:)!

Crystal blur said...

Wow! I didn't expect such a negative response to this chapter. I still think that Amba's story was best told in a personal diary. I also thought I should clarify that I wasn't trying to copy Cassandra's just came out similar to her format. So I thought it would be best to credit her for the format (not the content).
Anyhoo....about the copyright issue...I am not exactly sure how you copyright stuff on blogs...if any of you have any information do post a comment or email me.
Crys :)

buckwaasur said...

i don't know what everyone is complaining about...

i'm a big fan of the VSD and i thoroughly enjoyed this one... :-)

abt the copyright, u just need to put a notice on the footer of ur blog template that all material in this blog is copyrighted and can't be reproduced elsewhere without ur express consent.

Anonymous said...

finally...the much awaited fifth chapter!!

keep 'em coming girl...

good job!! :)

Alkyron said...

Stories of the Spurned Spinster! :)

cool!! :)

keep it yapp! :)

regards me

FunnyCide said...

I LOVED this piece. GUess most folks here are averse to surprises in writing style. :) and about the boob job joke, no it aint overused to a bad taste, overused just enough. :P
btw, who is this 6 faced lawyer character?

Silent Melody said...

Hey Crys, I loved this style. Dunno why everyone's complaining. Keep it coming.

Dinesh said...

Hey, I loved this style.. And also the boob job joke, I don't think its overused...

Crystal blur said...

Bucku, ano, alku, funny, SM, dinu.....the boob joke thanks you for all the support you have lent.

Love you guys :)

Anonymous said...

Looks like spoofing of this irreverent scale happens only for Hindu religious texts. Will anyone dare make a spoof of Muhammad and his 22 wives ? Crystal Blur, I suggest you stop this blur or else get in trouble for hurting Hindus.

Aloof said...

God this was sooo funny. Have sent the link out of your site to some friends. Ignore the dissenting voices and just keep going. Looking forward to reading your next piece. Well done!

Check out our blog Its indian and its about reclaiming sexuality. We're a healing center in India. If you like it we would appreciate a link on your site.

Shailesh said...

Hey Crystal Blur...

This is the most amusing stuff I have read in a very long time.. Looking forward to more of your posts.. Have you copyrighted this stuff ?? :):)


Fleiger said...

About Copyight... I am not sure about the law as such, but I guess you might find this useful...

Waiting for further chapters... Ganapatibappa Moraya!!! ;)

avnirsoni said...

I don't normally read forwarded jokes, but after much persuation from my wife, I read this one, and man was I delighted! This is a PIECE OF ART. I am forwarding this link to all my friends. Cheers Crystal! Keep up the good work!

Harish said...

brilliant brilliant stuff!!!
loved 'em!

keep it coming :)

as for the copyright thingy, this could help -

Harish said...

oopsie! (note to self : read the other comments before you post one.. and don't think you're the only one with brainwaves!)

hehe, didn't read fleiger's comment.. sorry!

Patrix said...

hilarious stuff

Rajesh J Advani said...

LOL! You are hillllaaarious!

Boltblaster said...

dear ms. blur... i must confess that you are a literary genius! have a serious stomach-ache from all the rolling on the floor with laughter. god bless you for sticking it up to those santimonious, holier-than-thou bastards. and may you be nominated for the pulitzers of blogs. ps. for the record, i am a devout hindu as well, just like you

Sleepyface said...

woah! too good! don't stop! but yes, your old ishtyle was good.

iyer education said...

*doing the jhingalala style bows*

you just rock... zimbly rock... i have never ever read the modern interpretation of the mahabharata... and now that i am reading it, it just cracks me up every time and my tummy aches... and i am sure by the time the mahabharata is over, i would have developed a six-pack... keep the good work going :)

Amateur Blogger said...

Hilarious.... Can't wait for the next part.... Please keep them coming!

Mitesh said...

This is the most amazing blog I have ever come across. Some of the statements I loved were
"Are those real?"

"The good news is I saved a bunch of money on my chariot insurance by switching to Kaayko."

"Obviously you haven’t heard about reconstructive surgery."

" I saw that. Don’t you give me the trunk!"

I should also say that the second statement above had me in splits. I couldn't suppress my laughter and annoyed other people in nearby cubicles.

God, you rock!! I love you. Just like that. :-)

Dinesh said...

Can't wait for next episode..

blog now said...

great blog...

come on.. we r waiting for the next episode..
please enlighten us with what happened next.

"are those real?"

HimS said...

This chapter was tailored to the writing style of the hilarious VSD series authored by Cassandra Claire.

Apparently this is the same style used in Bridget Jones diary.

Amalesh said...

This was one of the most hilarious set of blogs I have ever read..

Just a wild thought - A new name for this version of Mahabharat:


Ha ha...

Ra said...

Great style you have got. And facinating read.

Also suggest that you serialize other spoofs on other great epics like the New and Old Testament and the Stories from the Koran.

That would also help us understand and conteporarise them to our times.

Lets see how good you are at this thing ....

I am waiting....... !! ;-)

Crystal blur said...

Here is some more catching up to do at we go..

Thanks for the support. Will check out the site.

Shailesh, fleiger, harish,
Thanks for the copyright suggestion. Finally got around to doing that.

Thanks for spreading the word around :)

Patrix, rajesh advani, vishnupriya,amateur blogger, Vasa, Dinesh, blog now,

Didn't really mean to stir any hornets nest. The nest just came to me :)

here's wishing you a solid 6-pack of fun and laughs. no, i am not talking about beer :p

I guess most personal diaries would have the same format. But I still thought I should credit Cassandra for the format, bcoz thats the only blog I had come across in that format.

Lol @ sex and the city.

when i need your opinion on what I should or should not do I will give it to you. ;)


nirav said...

Hi came across your blog today
read all of mahabharata and rishyasringa

and maan that was funny.
Waiting for the next one, and yeah am also attaching this link on my blog

Rush said...

hey crys!

my friend gave me this link, and i shot him a mail thankin him :) :)

really good work!! keep em coming!