Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Sanjaya Malakar conspiracy

(The views and opinions expressed on this website are solely those of the author. This is spoof and only a spoof. People without a sense of humor may experience rage and a strong urge to leave nasty comments. Reader discretion advised.)

The story so far.
Sanjaya Malakar is an American Idol (AI) contestant who sings as badly as Cacofonix in Asterix comics. You can sample his off-key butchering of the song “you really got me” here . But that has not stopped him from being in the top 11 of this season's AI. Don’t give a damn yet? Me neither. But apparently there were a few arguments about the intentions of Sanjaya's supporters. Fight fight fight! (Popcorn kaha hai bhayya?).
O3 takes the stage.
O3: Yakshimas. My name is O3 son of O2 and O1. My hobby is to play kabbadi and fight injustice. You say vavaviva! I say that right. I am onto you desi conspiracy. I know your mentality. You vote for Sanjaya to have a sexy time on idol. It not nice. You Indians is racist. You judge base on color and not what is talent. You are big hippo-crit. I am going to vote for Sanjaya—NOT!
Desi readers: Who is this Sanjaya yaar?
Uberdesi steps onto the podium: Bhailog aur unki behenlog (wink), don’t listen to the self hater O3. O3 does not know what he is talking about. He is making up shit and for that I am going to make him eat his own words (hence make him eat shit). You see unlike O3 I have done my research and found that statistically it is impossible for desis alone to save Sanjaya.
Dazzles readers with fancy diagrams.
Uberdesi: Thus after a thorough research I conclude that the American teenagers are the culprits. For those of you who are still not convinced (although I don’t know how that is possible), I have started my own poll to further validate what has already been validated by me. Behold! The milk and water are about to be separated.
Reader 1: But how do we know this poll is not rigged like the American idol poll?
Uberdesi: Spoken like a true self-hater. I have hard core data and I shall not be proved wrong until I prove me wrong.
Desipundit steps in with a banner: “This fight was sponsored by Desipundit”
Desipundit: This programming will continue after a few words from our expert on racism. Take it away Patrix .
Patrix: What?
Desipundit: Just a few words will do.
Patrix: India to haar gaya. Ab Tendulkar, Agarkar, Malakar kuch nahi kar saktey. India lost the world cup. Who gives a F*** about Idol? Everybody knows that reality TV has nothing to do with reality. BTW there is an all-american site promoting Malakar. Here is a link . Now leave me alone.
Americans: WTF is going on? Sanjaya is still in the race? This is turning into the presidential election. First Bush now Sanjaya! What is America coming to?
Howard Stern the misogynist: You bitches make me laugh. You actually think that you have a say in the AI results? I am the Mogul of the media. This is my domain and I have commanded my faithful followers to lead Sanjaya to victory. In doing so, I will prove that I have the biggest penis in the media industry and I can fuck whoever I want, whenever I want and wherever I want.

Meanwhile at AI...
Sanjaya: Croak croak croak
Simon Cowell : Ryan you are gay.
Ryan Seacrest : You want me to be gay.
Paula Abdul : I believe in you Sanjaya. I believe in your talent. I believe in your voice. In fact I believe I am going to have another drink (hic!).
Token black judge, Randy Jackson : Yo yo! Check this out yo! I really think you can do it yo! But I didn’t feel you tonight dawg! I want to feel you. I want to feel you under my skin. You got to give it to me…you know what I am sayin? Yo yo!
Ryan Seacrest: Just for the record I am not gay!
Keith Olbermann : It has been n+1 days (where n is a ridiculously large number) since the declaration of mission accomplished in Iraq and here are the results of last nights America idol. I am only doing this because my producers are holding me at gunpoint.

Oh the drama!!!

11 comments:

Patrix said...

Hilarious as always. BTW, I am not that depressed about India's ouster. Next Surf Excel...err...World Cup hai na! :)

another brick in the wall said...

hehehe.. god u r funny!

cheti said...

Thanks for explainig the whole AI muddle with such clarity crys !!! Even though its all quiet irrelevant !

BTW I have never understood one thing :

"Bhailog aur unki behenlog (wink), " Bhailog ke behenlog , khud ke bhi behen ho jaathe hain na !??? so why the wink ??? The wink invariably appears !

Crystal blur said...

Patrix,
I realised that getting a doctoral degree had made irreversible damage on my brain when all I could think of was Excel sheets when I read Surf excel in your comment and couldn't get the joke until my dearly beloved enlightened me on the dhoolayi. Bah!

ABIW,
Yes I am, yes I am ;) :)

cheti,
Bhailog ke behenlog are not necessarily your behenlog as the same logic of dushman ka dushman is not dushman but in fact is dost. Otherwise everybody is into incest. Chee chee chee.

cheti said...

"Otherwise everybody is into incest"

Precisely my point !!! All winkers are !

And btw .. "Surf Excel hai na" is a advt tagline for Surf's Excel range cleaning powder ! Patrix was being quite optimistic ! I seriously doubt if he wanted to point to "dhoolayi" !!! You shouldnt be missing Indian advt !

Ashu M said...

From my youtube listening sessions, I'd say he doesn't sing quite as badly as Cacofonix - he's just unremarkable. But its more fun to think he's bad :)

(I'll read the rest of the post later ... just wanted to mention) I'll be watching my first AI episode since the first season one of these days. Someone sent me photos of Sanjaya's sister (who also auditioned, was equally ordinary - but better looking - and didn't make it to the finals). Only because she's a Hooters girl and she's in the audience at AI :)

So there - I've admitted it!

Link: http://celebritysmack.blogspot.com/2007/03/sanjayas-sister-is-hooters-girl.html

Aqua said...

LOL...hilarious....what an apt take on paula and randy esp...

enjoyed reading this.

Crystal blur said...

Incest?! Bad Cheti bad. :) The Surf excel is over my head...I give up.

Ashu,
So that is why TV is sometimes referred to as boob tube? :)

Aqua,
Glad you enjoyed it.

Cruel Intentions said...

"Meanwhile at AI...
Sanjaya: Croak croak croak"

You are solely responsible for making 28 people laugh in the midst of a day long Server Crash at IBM. Kudos to thee!

Crystal blur said...

CI,
You are my most loyal reader. First the entry in the bird cartoon contest and now promoting my blog in your office. Reader ho to aisa! Saturated fat and carbohydrates in your mouth!

raghu said...

i heard him sing once.. heehhe.. i was asked to change the channel.. but then if i'd have to vote id have voted for sanjaya.. just to ahve the drama goin on 4 longer..whoa its fun!

guess wat the word verification is?!?!?

ffun!