Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Chapter 7: The Return of the Living Dead

Vyasa walks into his cottage and finds Ganapati busting a move oblivious to Vyasa.
Ganapati (G): I have a big trunk and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny...
Vyasa (V): Still up to your old antics.
G grins: Hee hee...you caught me there. So are we going to kick some Rakshas butt today?
V: Will we ever! Ready?
G: You know I am.
V: (blank)
Crickets chirping.
G: Anytime today.
V: Alright alright. I see it in my head now. It is all coming together. This will be a story about the eternal struggle between good and evil. It will be a super action dhamaka thriller.
G (throwing punches in the air with his trunk): Action dhamaka! My favorite.
V: All the key elements for a super duper hit will come together. There will be romance, murder, magic and possibly incest.
G: Woah! Incest?!
V: I am an artist ahead of my time G.

G: All I have to say is that Vanar Sena will be pissed. If you publish this they will burn down all the papyrus stores. It is not worth it.
V: Yeah the Vanar Sena. I feel like I am living on a planet of apes.
G: Good movie though.
V: What?
G: Oh it hasn't been made yet.
V: Okaaay! So back to the story. The war between Devas and Asuras had taken a toll on the Devas. Although the carnage was gruesome in both camps, Asuras possessed a weapon that made it impossible for the Devas to get an upper hand. The Asuras had Sukracharya who had obtained a PhD in Sanjivaniology.
G: Sanjivaniology?
V: I just made that word up...pretty cool huh. And with the knowledge of Sanjivaniology, Sukracharya could get people back from the dead. So the Asuras were immortal as long as Sukracharya was with them.
G: So the Devas send an assassin to kill Sukracharya?
V: Even better. The Devas send a handsome beau to woo Sukracharya's daughter Devyani in the hopes of learning Sukracharya's secret. The brave young fellow who takes up this task is called Kacha. G what are you scribbling?
G: I was making a pronunciation key for Kacha so that people don't confuse it with Kacha as in raw?
V: Oh okay. Sukracharya accepts Kacha as a graduate student and as all graduate students do, Kacha ends up running errands for his advisor for the next few years. In a couple of dance sequences Devyani falls in love with Kacha's charming ways. Meanwhile the Asuras get suspicious of Kacha's intentions and decide to take matters in their own hands. The Asuras set out to murder Kacha. On a crisp misty morning when Kacha was out in the fields where Sukracharya's cattle grazed on grass, the Asuras slit Kacha's throat, then skinned him and chopped the body into bite size pieces and then fed those bite sized pieces to the dogs.
G: Good God Vyasa!
V: They are Asuras. You have to make the audience hate them. Besides violence in media is totally acceptable but God forbid you show them a nipple.
G: Hee hee.
V: Anyway so the dogs eat all of Kacha's body. Devyani waits all day for Kacha's return. At nightfall she finally breaks down and pleads with her father to go looking for Kacha. The Asuras cannot keep secrets well and Sukracharya figures out that Kacha is dead. So Sukracharya performs rituals and brings Kacha back from the dead. The Asuras are disappointed with Sukracharya's success and decide to kill Kacha again and dispose of his body in some other way. This time they pound Kacha's body into pulp and then grind it into a paste and dump it in the ocean.
G: I think I am going to be sick.
V: But Sukracharya is so far advanced in Sanjivaniology that he manages to bring Kacha back to life. The Asuras come up with a bolder plan.
G: Third time's a charm I hope to God.
V: This time the Asuras burn Kacha's body to ashes and then mix it in wine which they then serve Sukracharya.
G: This is really sick.
V: Sssh don't break my flow of thought. Devyani pleads with her dad again after she realizes that Kacha is dead and her dad relents to his daughter's incessant pleading. When Sukracharya starts performing the rituals his stomach starts expanding and soon he realizes that Kacha is trapped inside his stomach. At this point Sukracharya tells Devyani that he might have to pay with his life to bring Kacha back from the dead. Devyani cries inconsolably and tells her dad that she could not bear to live without either of them.
G: Wait a minute so when the Asuras feed Kacha's dead body to the dogs what happens to the dogs?
V: Yeah the dogs don't make it.
G (whimpers): The dogs die?
V: Well okay they don't, Sukracharya gets them back to life. Happy?
G: I just don't like doggies dying.
V: Moving on. So now the only way for both Kacha and Sukracharya to survive is teach Kacha Sanjivaniology.
G: Why doesn’t he pass on his secret to Devyani instead?
V: Duh! Devyani is a woman.
G: That is so sexist.
V: Hey I don't make the rules. That’s how society works. So back to the story… Sukracharya shares his guarded secret with Kacha and Kacha then tears open Sukracharya's stomach and crawls out of it surrounded by fountains of blood sprouting every which way from Sukracharya’s body. Kacha now drenched in a blood bath, lies on the ground besides Sukracharya's limp body which resembles a road kill with guts spilled out. Awesomely gruesome!
G: Yeah I don't think I am going to eat dinner tonight.
V: Then Kacha does his first Sanjivaniology experiment and passes with flying colors. It's what we researchers call beginner's luck and needless to say Sukracharya was one lucky bastard. Asuras run out of ideas and stop their murderous ploys. Finally it is graduation day for Kacha and Devyani decides to ask Kacha to marry her. Devyani is horrified to hear Kacha say that technically she is like a sister to him because he was reborn from her father's stomach. So he can't possible marry her because every time they would have sex it would be incest and incest is morally wrong.
G: What no incest?
V: Yeah I figured I had enough violence in the story to appall people. Instigating Vanar Sena will be overkill.
G: Okay I am off now. Your stories are getting too gruesome for my taste.

30 comments:

Vivek Kumar said...

Ah.. so people who keep your blog bookmarked for 4 months despite the absence of post have finally been rewarded!

Good work :)

Hyde said...

A long time, eh?

cheti said...

Thank you CB for the fine come back !!!! You dont like dogs dying .. do you !!!!

Aranyi said...

dont stop!!! and then what happened???

Null Bit said...

Thank You :-) It was worth the wait..
And I had no idea G rapped :-D
How was the dissertation? Didn't you stop blogging for your Ph.D.?

Fleiger said...

Aaah... worth the wait totally, and as Lord G says, I think I am not going to eat any dinner now. Something the original didn't manage to do. (This version is better, is what I mean I guess)

Why don't all grads get to dance around the trees with their advisors' beautiful daughters???

DJ said...

back with a bang, eh?
awesome...
waiting for more

witnwisdumb said...

You're back! Yay! Now just promise us we wont have to wait months for the next chapters. Or weeks, for that matter. In fact, half an hour intervals would be good :D .

Crystal blur said...

Thanks guys for not giving up on this seldom updated blog. :)
-Crys

Ranjeet said...

Hey Crys,

Ganapati Rocks!
Keep it going, dont stop now.

Sameer said...

welcome back! :)

another brick in the wall said...

oh.. hope the "bring back crystal fund" money has reached u by now.. last week hi courier kar diyaa tha :P

thank god mahabharata is back! god i was waiting 4 it all my life! yay! :D

Pragni~The Dream Catcher~ said...

Please dont take another six months for the next one.. keep it coming!!

Mitesh said...

Aah! After a long long time, ganpati resurfaces after the visarjan :-)

Thalia said...

Hey Crys,

Glad to see you are back.It's been a long wait.

And this chapter, as all the other ones, is HILARIOUS!

You rock!

Cruel Intentions said...

Just like That ... ? Loved it .. Just like the others

Ambar said...

Finally! Good thing I hadn't performed the occasional blogroll purge :D

Shekhar said...

Loved it !!!! Waiting to hear from you more often.. :)

SurAj said...

great work ! impressive blog you have ! :)

were you inspired by Shashi Tharoors 'Great Indian Novel' for the concept ?

keep'em coming ! :)

Movie Freak said...

Oh man!!

Finally u r back....awesum post...vry hilarious

and Ganpati n rap...hahahaha

please dont stop here..waitin for more mahabharata saga ;)

Aqua said...

Yay! crystal blur is back with a bang! this post is after a LONG wait but SO worth it.

was a treat and PUHLEEEESE keep the posts coming...

Kausum said...

After so many months. However reading this post I wanted to ask you couple of questions:

1. Did you finish your dissertation?
2. Is G running away any indication that remaining episodes of Mahabharata will not be re-written?

Crystal blur said...

Suraj,
No I haven't read Tharoor's book. I was inspired by Rajagopalachari.

Kausum,
1) Yes I have.
2)G will never run away forever.

Kausum said...

Congratulations are in order!

Nivas said...

Hey CB.. this is my first ever comment on ur blog.. and I confess myself floored by your writing.. literally and figuratively.. ;-)..

Infact I find myself incapable of getting back onto the chair as I keep missing the chair handle...

Keenly awaiting you next gem.. Your Avid Fan..

Karthik

Soham Pablo said...

Great comeback....please don't stop till you have finished the whole book !

Love every bit..

Anonymous said...

hey it was OK types comparing with previous chapters...It was a long wait and i think you harried a bit, expections are high...happy that you are back once again...

raghu said...

thnxthnx thnx !!!!!!!!!
:D:D:DD:D:D
thank you sooo blooody damn much!

Shag said...

So when is the book coming into stores . . .
love ya . . . :))

Ullas said...

keep it coming.....nice series....

have always been a fan of G bappa.