Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Chapter 10: Divine secrets of the Yayati sisterhood

Vyasa (V): Here we are
Ganpati (G): Indeed, here we are!
V: But the question is where were we?
G blows…eh about…almost…2 years worth of dust from the last papyrus he had scribbled.
V almost falls out of his seat.
V: 2 years! Well then it is about time.

V and G get off the seats and break into a song.
Ta-tut ta-tut tut-ta!
It was 4 years ago
Was it really?
That we gave this story a go

V: I think I snapped a tendon, we should stick to writing
G (disappointed): Oh alright.
V: Where were we story-wise?
G: Let’s see…we were writing about some dude called Shankaracharya…no wait…Sukracharya. He is an evil scientist who is funded by Asuras and can bring people back from dead.
V: Wait a minute. I do not cater to evil scientists stereotypes. Sukracharya is a good guy.
G: Then why is he consorting with the Asuras?
V: Do you know how hard it is to get funding? On average 97% of the grants are rejected.
G: Alright simmer down. So there is Dr. S and he is a single father. What’s the story with the mom?
V: I haven’t made up that part yet…no questions, just a brief summary please.
G: Okay…the daughter Devyani has an affair with a student named Kacha, not knowing that Kacha is actually a spy. You know you could call this chapter ‘the spy who shagged me!’.
V stares sternly as G chuckles.
V: Take your time, we have all day.
G: Fine! The spy plots and successfully steals Dr. S’s Sanjiviniology research and then ditches Devyani. Bru-tal! Then Devyani steals the princess’s clothes and the princess in turn pushes Devyani in a dry well. Tough day for Devyani. Then a prince conveniently and believably happens to be wandering around in the forest.
V -> searing stares.
G: And the prince is gallivanting in the woods all by himself, probably looking for damsels in distress, I mean who knows what he was looking for and it doesn’t matter so long as the plot moves forward.
V taps his foot.
G: Then the prince…what is his name anyway?
V: Umm…Yayati
G: Okay, Yayati then finds Devyani and rescues her and then Devyani proposes and gets rejected by the prince because of her fat ass and Devyani is stranded in the forest.

V (rubbing his hands with excitement): Alright, here we go.

Devyani sat in the forest feeling dejected and alone. Soon the forest was enveloped in darkness and sinister howls echoed in the forest. Devyani cowered under a tree and started praying for somebody to rescue her.

Sukracharya squints at his wrist dial under the candle light.
Sukracharya (S): Where is this girl? I can’t figure out what time it is on this dial.

Vyasa (V): Talking about wrist dials, I’m thinking of buying one with an abacus in it.
Ganapati (G): You people with your gadgets. When you are hungry it is time to eat, when you are sleepy it is time to sleep. I don’t need a dial to tell me what time it is.
V: Ganya, you are strange sometimes.

Worried about the daughter, he asks a student to go looking for her in the forest. Partly because as a tenured professor he could get away with it but mostly because he was afraid of the dark. The student searches for Devyani for hours and finally finds her and takes her home.
Student: “Can I graduate now?”
S: “That is up to the committee to decide. Remember there is no substitute for hard work.”
Disgruntled student walks away.

S: And as for you missy, do you know what time it is?
Taps the wrist dial.
S: I am sick of this behavior. Out partying at ungodly hours, the pigeon practically fainted last week from delivering your incessant pigeon mail and then there is all this expensive junk you keep buying…like this wrist dial which doesn’t even work.
Devyani (D): It works only during the day dad!

G: I always wonder why those things can’t work at night? I mean clearly we have the moon at night, so what’s the problem?
V: I don’t know. So where were we…

D: It works only during the day dad! Stop yelling at me. I wasn’t out partying, I was almost murdered.
S: Murdered? Don’t be dramatic. Why would anyone murder my daughter when I can bring you right back to life? That would be the most pointless thing to do.
D bursts into tears.
D: Nobody likes me. Everybody makes fun of me. I am never getting married.
S: Okay okay. Tell me what happened.
D: It’s Sarmishta…she thinks she is so hip. The only reason she has friends is because her dad would behead anyone who is mean to her. Anyway, I was minding my own business and I don’t know what got into her. She is probably jealous of me or something she just pushed me into a pit.
S: May be it was a mistake. May be she didn’t mean to push you.
D: She also said that your last publication had the lousiest data she has ever seen and something about error bars…that you haven’t heard about them…
Sukracharya’s face turned the deepest color of crimson.

S: I will have a chat with her Dad first thing in the morning.
He simmered through the night and made his way to the palace at the crack of dawn.

At the palace.
King Vrishaparva (KV): Sukracharya? What a pleasant surprise! Usually I don’t wake up before you can start telling time but the wife is on my case. So I do a little cardio in the morning to get the old motor running. In fact I am looking for a running partner, you interested?
S gives angry stares.
KV: Sooooo, what’s up? What brings you here?
S: I will get right to the point. I am not treated with respect and I am tired of this attitude. There are lots of other kingdoms that I can offer my services to and would be appreciated for. In fact, I am thinking of leaving you and your kingdom for good.
KV: What did the Asuras do now?
S: It wasn’t the Asuras this time. It was your daughter.
KV: My daughter? What could she possibly do or say that would make you leave?
S: I am not going to repeat the hideousness that she uttered but I want to make it clear that I will not stand for it.
KV: Okay, I will talk with her.
S: I am afraid that is not enough.
KV: Look, I would hate for things to end this way. You and I both know that my kingdom will crumble without your Frankenstein stuff. I apologize on her behalf.
S: I have put up with a lot humiliation with the Asuras harassing my students and murdering them and feeding their body parts to my pets. But this time it has gone too far. There is nothing you can say or do to stop me.
KV: I will double your salary and fund you for a year.
S: I said that I will not…really? Double!
KV: Yes.
S: I do need some more grant money and my last application was rejected. Alright you have a deal.
KV: Great chatting with you. Gotta run.

Sukracharya gleefully returns home only to find a miffed Devyani.

D: So?
S: It has all been taken care of.
D: What do you mean? Do I get an apology from Sarmistha?
S: Er…yes. She is going to mail it to you.
D (whines): Daaaad! I was humiliated. You didn’t just let them get away with it?
S: Of course not, they are going to pay for it.
D: Pay, you got a settlement? How much? Can I shop at Gocci now?
S: Sorry hon, you already spent your allowance and I need the extra money for my research.
D: This is not fair. I demand an apology from Sarmistha…no wait, I want her to be my maid for…forever.
S: Devyani, she is the King’s daughter.
Devyani makes puppy face.
S: Dammit Devyani! Okay fine, but if they don’t agree you will have to quit moping around and no more trips to the forest after dark.

G: Are all the women in your story unreasonable, emotional drags that serve the only utilitarian purpose of propagating the progeny?
V: Well they are women. What are you getting at?
G sighs.
V: I am getting hungry. Should we go grab a bite?
G: Might as well finish this chapter.
V: Oh that would take far too long. Sarmista becomes Devyani’s maid, I still haven’t figured out a way to make that sound plausible. Then Devyani finally hooks up with Yayati, the guy who rescued her from the well in the forest which by the way is an inter-caste marriage. Pretty forward of me know? Hooking up a Kshatriya with a Brahmin girl.
G: Scandalous.
V: And then of course, Sarmista also gets jiggy with Yayati…the whole catfight angle to the story.
G: Yeah let’s go grab a bite. I have a coupon for Kabooters
V: You go there?
G: Yeah, I go there for the food. They have really good wings.
V: Riiigght!

29 comments:

Divya said...

And she's back :D brilliance :D

Kabooters! Do they have hot waitresses in running shorts also? :P

Joy Forever said...

Yay! The next season of Mahabharata starts! And it's as good as ever!

Phenomenal Thinker said...

Finally Mahabharata is back! :D I like this the best... "Are all the women in your story unreasonable, emotional drags that serve the only utilitarian purpose of propagating the progeny?"

another brick in the wall said...

here we go again :D.. prayers answered! pigs actually are flying anyway :P

VM said...

funny as usual...great to see u back after a long gap...keep posting!!

kosh said...

"blow the dust of the papyrus" ?? - more like 'dig through multiple strata of fossiliferous rock' , I say!! :P

Welcome back!!

Akoz said...

Finally its back!! Thank you Crystal!!!!

Badri said...

Only today a friend referred me to your blog. Finished all the 10 chapters in office itself.

Too good and funny and so right on. So unbelievably funny. You made my day!!

Drunken Master said...

Excellent start to what would is otherwise quite a dull morning.

Kabooters! Brilliant!!!

Rohit said...

Dat was wonderful..
Literally LMAO to "97% of the grants " and "Wrist watch with abacus" stuff. Don't seem to have lost your touch after the FUBAR suralichya vadya. Picked it up exactly where you left it..

raghu said...

so long, thanks.. ill spread the word :)

Crystal blur said...

Hi guys!

It was great to see a mailbox full of familiar IDs. I read the comments first thing in the morning while sipping on my first hot cup of tea for the day and I was grinning all the while. It was one satisfying cup of tea :)

I have to admit, I was questioning whether I had another MB episode in me. But the pigs did fly and the fossiliferous rock was pushed out of the way.

Great to hear from everyone. Thanks guys!!

Joy Forever said...

I can see swine flu, but I fail to see the reference... was it predicted that Mahabharata will resume when pigs fly?

emme said...

Thanks!

KEEP IT GOING!

Crystal blur said...

Joy,
No it wasn't predicted but still...since it looked like another episode was unlikely...

Thanks emme

AG said...

Is getting aid really that difficult? tat too he was prmonising to bring back ppl from the dead rt..

Crystal blur said...

AG,

Yes it is very difficult to get funding for Sukracharya. The anti-reanimation or pro-death people have ethical objections and banned such research in many kingdoms.

AG said...

Nice work Crytal blur, will wait for the next chapter

AK said...

whistle and claps..... :)

cheti said...

you chose exactly the day on which i was going on another long leave to post this !

Welcome back ! Great come back ! But I guess you are not in the groove yet ! It was not as caustic - my vocab is not that good - as some of your earlier ones

Hari Vishnu said...

Wow shes back !! The GV duo, finally ! (Y)Ears have i waited for this post !

Crystal blur said...

Thanks AG and AK

Cheti,
Boo :p

Hari,
I always knew HP fans have nothing on MB fans. You guys are hard core. Waiting 2 years for the next chapter?! I am one lucky gal :)

Gangadhar said...

And MB is back.. Only one word of appreciation comes forth to you Crystal.. "Thanks!" :) keep inking, it's been a long wait..

Vikrant Patwardhan said...

Thanks for the come-back, long awaited!

Marri-age hath not dulled your wit nor suralichya vadya softened your keyboard :-)

But I agree with cheti: this is not the crystal at its sparkling best! intangibles aside, shouldn't it be "only the utilitarian purpose of propagating the progeny" rather than "the only utilitarian purpose of propagating the progeny" and "Pretty forward of me, no?", instead of "Pretty forward of me know?". Lastly, it was "Sanjivaniology" in Ch.7 and its "Sanjiviniology" here.

But hey, this fan remains in the club, and committed as ever! :-) Type - or, now, twitter away!

Sameer said...

you are back!! :)

d_grail said...

Yay..its back!!!thankoo

Shantanu Bhadoria said...

**Takes CB's hand and kisses it hundred times**

Ohh thank you! Thank you!!
I have missed this so bad!!You made my day. Please don't stop again!!!
regards,
Shag

RainMaker said...

repeat all of the comments from above :)
[oh yes Plagiarism :D, can't help it, they all already said and done what i wanted :) ]....

Hari Vishnu said...

Amazzzing stuff again !