Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Suralichya vadyafucking waste of time

There are hundreds of food blogs online, touting saliva inducing photos of their great successes in the kitchen. That my friends is the Disney version of what could happen in your kitchen. Sure it could happen to you, a perfectly baked something or the other, but that is one side of the story. What about the other side? The dark side where rotis are amoeboid and flames erupt to singe your eyebrows and concoctions turn into inedible goo. Where are those stories? Yes, I am talking about all those FUBAR experiments in the kitchen. Surely these stories need a voice. Not because we can learn from those mistakes but because these stories could be infinitely more entertaining to read. Since I have found immense pleasure in others’ misery I thought I should give some back to the community. So here it is…my first attempt at making suralichya vadya.

Once upon a time I was browsing some food blogs. I came across some extremely delicious looking suralichya vadya photos. Hubba hubba hubba. So I took a look at the recipe and it looked fairly straight forward. Make batter, cook over low flame until thickens, plate out, cool and roll. The batter cooking did not have any specific instructions. The most they would say was, cook until it is cooked. This is going to be a good lesson on why recipes with specific instructions are a great idea, you can tell.

Anyway, I looked at the recipe and convinced myself that I could handle it…easy peazy. So here I was, 10 minutes into cooking the batter on low flame with constant stirring. That is co-incidentally the amount of time it takes for me to lose patience. The flame went up 2 notches. Bad idea. Very quickly, the batter started turning into a viscous and lumpy blob. Seeing this I panicked and hastily plated out the batter before it could turn into one giant lump. Of course the batter was not yet completely cooked. I valiantly microwaved the plated batter in an attempt to cook the plated stuff but the batter could care less. So this is what I ended up with…perforated raw suralichya vadya and lumps of half cooked batter.


At this point I was left with a crap load of dirty dishes, a tummy roaring with hunger and one twitching eye. Most people would quit at this point, order a pizza and call it a day. Not me. No no no no no. I was sure not going to dump this disaster. So I steamed my perforated suralichya namesake vadya for 10 mins like idlis and then doused them in a seasoning of oil, mustard seeds and hing and ate them. And then I farted happily every after.

Moral of the story:
1) An empty stomach and a lumpy batter do not make for a great day.
2) Suralichya vadya = crap load of dirty dishes. Think about it.
3) It is immoral to make suralichya vadya

8 comments:

Joy Forever said...

C'mon, I wrote about my culinary adventures over three years ago... so all the blogs do not necessarily write about the "Disney" version. I did not post pictures though! My worst FUBAR cooking was a few months ago - the first cake that I baked. It was tough enough to be used as a construction material and I had to hack it up with the meat chopper. My poor landlord who had become too interested in my baking got to taste the first bite. But like you, I was not going to give up. For months later, that cake was an excellent thing for gnawing at leisure... one piece could be gnawed on for several hours without adding any calories (burning some, as a matter of fact) and sharper teeth were a by-product.
You are right about the entertainment value though. Will be waiting for more such entertaining stories (at your expense, sorry!).

Shilpa said...

All my roti/paratha making attempts end in disasters. So do my yummy dessert making ones!

Crystal blur said...

Joy,
Your story cracked me up. I have never made any cakes from scratch but Betty Crocker mixes were always a great success. I certainly hope I don't have too many of such stories to blog about!

Shilpa,
Sorry to hear about the kitchen disasters :( Although I have mastered the art of rolling dough, the rotis never fluff unless I cheat and put butter while baking. I blame it on the quality of flour we get in the US.

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

You might honour yourself with a nobel prize in cooking after this:
http://s-kar.blogspot.com/2008/12/2-minute-crash-course-in-cooking.html

Crystal blur said...

Karthik,

You are hilarious! 1 gallon milk!! And then cole slaw in milk? (Gag). I have 2 words for you...Sanjay Thumma...his recipes have somehow always worked well for me. But even if you don't follow his recipes he is very entertaining to watch. I watch his videos just for laughs sometimes.

http://www.youtube.com/user/vahchef

Enjoy.

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

@CB: I have two words for you too(What are the odds?): Thanks but.

I've become a much better cook now. I discovered that the reason for my poor cooking was a missing ingredient. Since then, I've always done my cooking with the right blend of philosophy and it always tastes perfect! :)

I shall however laugh very loudly at Thumma and get entertained whenever I'm choking on my burnt cole slaw milk! Thanks :)

Crystal blur said...

Karthik,

You got better at cooking? Dammit, I was hoping for some more cooking blog posts from you.

If you eat meat then you should try Thumma's mutton biryani recipe...sooooo good!!

Stupidosaur said...

Cook Maggi masala in milk.
Maggi FUBAR

Eat.
You FUBAR