Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Chapter 1: The 60 year old virgin


King Santanu was a great admirer of beauty. Yes he had a fetish for pretty women. Despite the cheesy pick up lines he was quite the ladies man. That’s right, size does matter. He drove the ladies wild with his oh so huge bank account.
( Vyasa: Mind out of the gutter please Ganpati and continue writing.)
One day he was passing by the river when he met a well-endowed woman in a scantily clad outfit. Santanu could not stop checking her out and she seemed to enjoy the attention. So Santanu decided to approach her. Overcome by sensations that will not be described here, Santanu said, “I have two questions for you, what is your name o well-endowed woman and will you marry me?”
“I have four words for you,” Ganga said, “show me the money”. King Santanu offered a gaudy diamond ring as a token of his lust and flashy lifestyle. Impressed but not yet convinced Ganga made a list of demands, “I will marry you on the following conditions. I refuse to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. You shall not ask me any questions about my past, where I go or what I do. You have to give me compliments every day. If you don’t fulfill any of these conditions a divorce will follow. Will you please look at my face when I am talking with you?”
Santanu: “Are those real?”
And just like that Santanu and Ganga got married. The honeymoon was spectacular. Two days into the honeymoon Ganga made a shocking announcement, “Santa honey, I am pregnant.” Santanu, “What? I knew I was good but man, I sure outdid myself this time.” After nine long months Ganga gave birth to a little boy. Santanu was ecstatic, “Ganga this is the happiest day of my life. In fact I think I want more children. I want a whole gilli danda team.” But Santanu’s joy was short lived as Ganga made another shocking announcement, “Santa poodle, our baby is dead.”
(Ganapati: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the sex and violence.)
What followed was a roller coaster of emotions for Santanu. The death of his first child was followed by six more pregnancies and all of these babies died the day they were born. Santanu’s fairy tale marriage had turned into a nightmare. He realized he was married to a serial killer. It took seven baby killings and five years before Santanu decided to ask Ganga to stop the madness.
(Ganapati: Seven babies and five years?
Vyasa: What? She had triplets once.)

Santanu: “Honey I know you are a serial killer and all, but I am not getting any younger, can we atleast keep one?”
Ganga: “Good Lord I thought you’d never ask. But by asking this question you have broken the promise you made me before I accepted your proposal. My lawyers will contact you for the settlements. As you know by now, I am not much of a mother figure, so I am more than happy to let you keep the baby.”
Santanu then uttered the wisest words he had for as long as he could remember, “Never again will I marry without a pre-nup.”
A nasty divorce followed and Ganga rode off into the sunset on the alimony pony.
And just like that Santanu became a single dad of the little baby boy he named Devavrata. Rumors have it that it was Santanu’s wild parties that scarred the little boy for life. Others say it was the mom’s serial killing that led to what Devavrata grew up to be — a sixty year old virgin.

(To be continued...)

31 comments:

SeaSwallowMe said...

oh cool, crys - you don’t waste much time, do you ?

she promises a spoof, and there it is, part-1. hilarious as ever :)

p.s. i was just gonna say - g.bappa sure has a nose for this kinda thing :-P

FunnyCide said...

this is so funny..
you should read Shashi Tharoor's "The Great Indian Novel" [if you havent already] thats a complete riot too.. it is a spoof of MB just like this one.. on second thots read the book after you finish this series.. dont want to murk up your fantastical ideas. :D

parikrama said...

>> Seven babies and five years?

Prachand Hanshaa Ani Zaminivar Lolan et all..

Let me confess that my knowledge of Mahabharata is solely based on B.R.Chopra's serial. U seem to have done ample research to start right at the bottom of the family tree. Have no clue how Devvrata is linked to the likes of Pandavs & Kauravs.. (Not that i care). But even with my inherent ignorance, I throughly enjoyed this curtain raiser. Though this post didn't reach the kinkiness level of Ur Rishyaringa series.. but am sure it will get there in coming episodes..

As always, Dil Maange More..

cheti said...

hilarious crys ! you have an eye for details ! subtle stabs !!! lol !

inmyeye said...

ROTFL @ "are those real" & "alimnoy pony"

this was fantastic crys... i am so looking forward to next chapter...

brilliant!

Reshmi said...

i am still laughing at "santa poodle" :-))) and the serial killer stuff. u r good girl!!
it is a loooong journey with MB. waiting for the rest :)

Crystal blur said...

SSM,
Well considering how long Mahabharata is, even if I get thru half of it I will feel accomplished. Laffing at the G.bappa comment :)

Funny,
I have heard a lot about 'the great Indian novel' but haven't had the chance to read it. I hope to read it someday. I don't think my series has too much in common with the novel 'coz the novel is more of a political satire.

Parikrama,
Cracked up on the marathi version of ROTFL. I am appalled to learn that you don't know who the 60 year old virgin is! :) :) Well you will find out in the next chapter.

Cheti!
Haven't heard from you for awhile. Glad you had fun reading it.

In my eye,
Thanks :)) I am having fun writing the second chapter.

Reshmi,
Its a daunting task, but as long as I am in graduate school the spoof is going to be my happy hour since I have so much fun writing.

Its always a great motivation to write the series with a positive feedback so thanks everyone for taking the time to comment

Ashu M said...

Scheisse! Too sleepy to comment (or comprehend), but this is HILARIOUS :)

Nandu said...

Came here from Desipundit - brilliant!

Anonymous said...

I've known the story since God knows when, but this is a new approach.. interesting :-)

Do you think Vyasa was eluding to a really serious case of 'Post Partum Depression' here?

Red said...

I salut thee. This is even funnier than Shashi Tharoor

Crystal blur said...

Ashu,
I am confused...you didn't comprehend it and yet it was funny ...hmmm :)
Nandu,
Welcome :)
Anonymous...I'm painting Vyasa as a frustrated grad student, who just wants a publication.:)
Red,
Gee..wow...(can you see my head getting bigger?)

Thanks guys!

Vivek Krishna said...

absolutely hilarious..!! keep it coming.

alkyron said...

hi came here from another blog i have to say ... THIS IS FUNNY!!!!!!

my stars talk about putting a new twist on the Old Classics!!!

Vivek said...

wonderful.... I always narrated Mahabharata to friends like this.... and one of them forwarded your posts to me:)! Its hilarious!

Sharky said...

Please express your copyright on this blog ASAP!

This is the most hilarious thing I have read for a LONG time...

Anuja said...

This is super! thank God Mahabharata's a loooooooong tale so we'll get to read you for a loooooooooooong time too !

Crystal blur said...

Thanks you guys!!... Crys :)

Kanishka Agiwal said...

I haven't stopped laughing ever since I started reading your Mahabharat series!! Humour at its best!! You are a hit here in SPJain, Dubai.

More such posts!! Great to find light hearted posts in this blogosphere full of heart broken and self pity posts!!

anish said...

niiice ! keep it coming..

Shruti T A said...

Love it! The funniest part was everything you wrote between "Chapter 1" and "(To be continued...)".

witnwisdumb said...

Funny, but not as funny as Chapter Six (the only other one I have read so far - I decided to start at the beginning after reading that one :) ). Yet, that isn't saying anything negative, cuz Chapter Six is absolutely fantabulous. So this rocks as well.

inomorr said...

Good god! Could she be living in bombay and have a fetish for finance professionals missing their social lives?

Amit said...

yes, heard it before. but not the whole truth. the truth is that in the teenage life, Devrath gave the commitment to her stepmother about not to married in his whole life. that's why his name became from Devarath to Bhism(deficult or hard whatever).

half truth is always dangerous.

Rahul said...

Mahabharataki maardi :P Good one !

Nrupesh said...

nice one....crystal.... a quirky sense of humour!! keep it up

belligerenthoper.blogspot.com

Follies n foibles said...

U have such a way with words! A friend n I have laughed through ur Mahabharata blog! Its a cheery thought that some people look back upon the sacrosanct epics with a sense of humour!!

Do publish a book! I'd love to hear your views!

Satya said...

i'm a huge fan of the actual mahabharata, but this is bloody brilliant! :D damned funny!

ps: actually, bhishma is roughly a 120 year old virgin! 60 does him no justice at all (or halves his embarrassment, depending on how you look at it). ;)

Ashok K. Banker said...

Bloody brilliant! Publish, please. We need more of this. Consider doing it as a stand-up routine too - I'd pay to watch. Wish I'd discovered this earlier, it's such fun. I've long wanted to do my own rift on the Ramayana but even my most liberal friends took one look and went, 'Dude, you're so dead if this gets out!' Sigh. Having a family, I wimped out. Maybe someday in an alternate universe. Meanwhile, you write on!

Ashok Banker

Crystal blur said...

Hey Ashok,

Thanks for the kudos. I understand your concerns about vaanar sena hunting you down if you write an irreverent take on Hindu mythology. But if you want to get it out there, you can still publish online anonymously. Granted you can't make any money that way but on the bright side you don't let the terrorists win. :)

Also, an Indian woman doing a stand up on Hindu mythology? I have two words for that...EPIC FAIL!

Arun said...

someone posted abt this funny series in jammmy's blog. (Ouch my toe). am really glad he did. this stuff is hilarious. i can't stop laughing. looking forward to read the rest of the chapters too.