Chapter 1: The 60 year old virgin

King Santanu was a great admirer of beauty. Yes he had a fetish for pretty women. Despite the cheesy pick up lines he was quite the ladies man. That’s right, size does matter. He drove the ladies wild with his oh so huge bank account.
( Vyasa: Mind out of the gutter please Ganpati and continue writing.)
One day he was passing by the river when he met a well-endowed woman in a scantily clad outfit. Santanu could not stop checking her out and she seemed to enjoy the attention. So Santanu decided to approach her. Overcome by sensations that will not be described here, Santanu said, “I have two questions for you, what is your name o well-endowed woman and will you marry me?”
“I have four words for you,” Ganga said, “show me the money”. King Santanu offered a gaudy diamond ring as a token of his lust and flashy lifestyle. Impressed but not yet convinced Ganga made a list of demands, “I will marry you on the following conditions. I refuse to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. You shall not ask me any questions about my past, where I go or what I do. You have to give me compliments every day. If you don’t fulfill any of these conditions a divorce will follow. Will you please look at my face when I am talking with you?”
Santanu: “Are those real?”
And just like that Santanu and Ganga got married. The honeymoon was spectacular. Two days into the honeymoon Ganga made a shocking announcement, “Santa honey, I am pregnant.” Santanu, “What? I knew I was good but man, I sure outdid myself this time.” After nine long months Ganga gave birth to a little boy. Santanu was ecstatic, “Ganga this is the happiest day of my life. In fact I think I want more children. I want a whole gilli danda team.” But Santanu’s joy was short lived as Ganga made another shocking announcement, “Santa poodle, our baby is dead.”
(Ganapati: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the sex and violence.)
What followed was a roller coaster of emotions for Santanu. The death of his first child was followed by six more pregnancies and all of these babies died the day they were born. Santanu’s fairy tale marriage had turned into a nightmare. He realized he was married to a serial killer. It took seven baby killings and five years before Santanu decided to ask Ganga to stop the madness.
(Ganapati: Seven babies and five years?
Vyasa: What? She had triplets once.)
Santanu: “Honey I know you are a serial killer and all, but I am not getting any younger, can we atleast keep one?”
Ganga: “Good Lord I thought you’d never ask. But by asking this question you have broken the promise you made me before I accepted your proposal. My lawyers will contact you for the settlements. As you know by now, I am not much of a mother figure, so I am more than happy to let you keep the baby.”
Santanu then uttered the wisest words he had for as long as he could remember, “Never again will I marry without a pre-nup.”
A nasty divorce followed and Ganga rode off into the sunset on the alimony pony.
And just like that Santanu became a single dad of the little baby boy he named Devavrata. Rumors have it that it was Santanu’s wild parties that scarred the little boy for life. Others say it was the mom’s serial killing that led to what Devavrata grew up to be — a sixty year old virgin.

(To be continued...)

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