Chapter 2: Indecent proposal

Santanu did the best he could to raise his son. Like every rich parent, he expressed his love to his son by buying expensive gifts. Devavrata…
(Ganapati: Here on referred to as Deva, since it’s a pain in the trunk to write the entire friggin’ name EVERY single time. Why can’t you ever come up with smaller names?
Vyasa: Are you done whining?)
Deva…
(Vyasa: Grrr. Alright fine! Just write.
Ganapati grins widely.)

Deva recently had his sixteenth birthday and this year his father bought him the fastest, sleekest and flashiest chariot with gold rims and everything. Deva did not care too much for the gifts. All he wished for was a little personal time with his dad. Everybody knows that killing some animals is the best way for a father to bond with his son. A fishing trip was definitely in order. After all, his dad would go by the river every day, but not once would he ask Deva to accompany him.

Santanu was completely unaware of Deva’s frustrations. Santanu was lost in his own world. He would not admit to loneliness but the truth was he was desperately missing Ganga. He reminisced about the coincidence that bought them together. In Santanu’s words, “Her name was Ganga and I met her by the shores of the river Ganga. They were both called Ganga! I mean what are the chances of that happening?”

That fateful evening, Santanu decided to go walk by the river Yamuna instead of Ganga. As he sauntered by the river he came across a beautiful maiden. All the blood in Santanu’s body quickly rushed to one strategic location and he found himself using his cheesy pick up lines. As Santanu approached her, he was captured by her mesmerizing smell, “You smell like heaven.”
“Wow, how did you guess that I am wearing ‘Heaven’ from the new line of perfumes from Chandramukhi’s secret?” asked Satyavati.
“I have two questions for you, what is your name o heavenly fragrant woman? Will you marry me?
(Ganapati: Okay this time he deserves it.)

Satyavati was a little more conservative than Ganga. She asked him to request her father for her hand in marriage. Clearly not thinking from waist above, Santanu decided to approach her father with the proposal.
Father, “I will accept your proposal on one condition, you must promise that a son borne by Satyavati will inherit the throne.”
Santanu gave it some thought and saw visions of alimony pony. After some consideration he said, “As long as Satyavati signs a pre-nup I accept.”
“Hmm…alright,” said the father, “Do you want to ask any questions to my daughter?”
Santanu looked at Satyavati and said, “Are those real?”
And just like that they got married.

Deva ofcourse got the raw deal here. He could not believe his father abolished his right to the throne over the prospect of marrying a stranger. Quite unexpectedly Deva’s anguish was subdued by Satyavati’s loving nature. He felt like she was the mother he yearned for throughout his childhood. And boy did she smell great. He assured Satyavati that the throne held no interest to him and her son would inherit the throne. But Satyavati’s father was not convinced of this and he would incessantly talk about this with his daughter. Deva took it upon himself to assure Satyavati’s father.

Father, “I trust you to sacrifice your right to the throne. But I am afraid that your children may feel differently.”
Deva was now in a dilemma. The only thing that would appease Satyavati’s father was a vow of celibacy. Should Deva sacrifice his right to get laid, for a father who had chosen to get laid with a stranger over his son?
(Ganapati: Vyasa, don’t you think the drama is a little too much here?
Vyasa: No.)
Deva decided to make the sacrifice. He took the ‘Bhishma pratigya’ or ‘I will never get laid’ vow. From then on Deva was called ‘Bhishma.’
(Vyasa: Don’t even think about it. Bhishma is short enough.)

Satyavati could not believe the sacrifice Bhishma had made. As a token of gratitude she asked Bhishma to name her children. Bhishma took his sweet revenge and named her first son Vichitravirya (vichitra=weird, virya=semen). She decided to name the second son herself. Her second child was called Chitrangada.
(Ganapati: You are picking long names on purpose. I am going to start charging you per alphabet.
Vyasa: Whine whine whine.)

(To be continued...)

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