Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Chapter 2: Indecent proposal

Santanu did the best he could to raise his son. Like every rich parent, he expressed his love to his son by buying expensive gifts. Devavrata…
(Ganapati: Here on referred to as Deva, since it’s a pain in the trunk to write the entire friggin’ name EVERY single time. Why can’t you ever come up with smaller names?
Vyasa: Are you done whining?
(Vyasa: Grrr. Alright fine! Just write.
Ganapati grins widely.)

Deva recently had his sixteenth birthday and this year his father bought him the fastest, sleekest and flashiest chariot with gold rims and everything. Deva did not care too much for the gifts. All he wished for was a little personal time with his dad. Everybody knows that killing some animals is the best way for a father to bond with his son. A fishing trip was definitely in order. After all, his dad would go by the river every day, but not once would he ask Deva to accompany him.

Santanu was completely unaware of Deva’s frustrations. Santanu was lost in his own world. He would not admit to loneliness but the truth was he was desperately missing Ganga. He reminisced about the coincidence that bought them together. In Santanu’s words, “Her name was Ganga and I met her by the shores of the river Ganga. They were both called Ganga! I mean what are the chances of that happening?”

That fateful evening, Santanu decided to go walk by the river Yamuna instead of Ganga. As he sauntered by the river he came across a beautiful maiden. All the blood in Santanu’s body quickly rushed to one strategic location and he found himself using his cheesy pick up lines. As Santanu approached her, he was captured by her mesmerizing smell, “You smell like heaven.”
“Wow, how did you guess that I am wearing ‘Heaven’ from the new line of perfumes from Chandramukhi’s secret?” asked Satyavati.
“I have two questions for you, what is your name o heavenly fragrant woman? Will you marry me?
(Ganapati: Okay this time he deserves it.)

Satyavati was a little more conservative than Ganga. She asked him to request her father for her hand in marriage. Clearly not thinking from waist above, Santanu decided to approach her father with the proposal.
Father, “I will accept your proposal on one condition, you must promise that a son borne by Satyavati will inherit the throne.”
Santanu gave it some thought and saw visions of alimony pony. After some consideration he said, “As long as Satyavati signs a pre-nup I accept.”
“Hmm…alright,” said the father, “Do you want to ask any questions to my daughter?”
Santanu looked at Satyavati and said, “Are those real?”
And just like that they got married.

Deva ofcourse got the raw deal here. He could not believe his father abolished his right to the throne over the prospect of marrying a stranger. Quite unexpectedly Deva’s anguish was subdued by Satyavati’s loving nature. He felt like she was the mother he yearned for throughout his childhood. And boy did she smell great. He assured Satyavati that the throne held no interest to him and her son would inherit the throne. But Satyavati’s father was not convinced of this and he would incessantly talk about this with his daughter. Deva took it upon himself to assure Satyavati’s father.

Father, “I trust you to sacrifice your right to the throne. But I am afraid that your children may feel differently.”
Deva was now in a dilemma. The only thing that would appease Satyavati’s father was a vow of celibacy. Should Deva sacrifice his right to get laid, for a father who had chosen to get laid with a stranger over his son?
(Ganapati: Vyasa, don’t you think the drama is a little too much here?
Vyasa: No
Deva decided to make the sacrifice. He took the ‘Bhishma pratigya’ or ‘I will never get laid’ vow. From then on Deva was called ‘Bhishma.’
(Vyasa: Don’t even think about it. Bhishma is short enough.)

Satyavati could not believe the sacrifice Bhishma had made. As a token of gratitude she asked Bhishma to name her children. Bhishma took his sweet revenge and named her first son Vichitravirya (vichitra=weird, virya=semen). She decided to name the second son herself. Her second child was called Chitrangada.
(Ganapati: You are picking long names on purpose. I am going to start charging you per alphabet.
Vyasa: Whine whine whine.)

(To be continued...)


Nithya Swaminathan said...

ROTFLMAO @ the translation of Vichitravirya!! totally rocking, crys!:)

parikrama said...

I wanna audition for Ganapati's role..his one liners are rib ticklingly funny. Lage Raho Crys..

SeaSwallowMe said...

rotfl @ bhishma's revenge :)

bottled-imp said...

your series is brilliant lady. bhishma's revenge cracked me up completly. made my afternoon!!

Fizo said...

This episode was too good and I second IW..Ganpati rocks!

Reshmi said...

LOL @ Bhishi's revenge :)) and gannu-bhai is hilarious!! next chapter pls!

Silent Melody said...

Crys ; u Rock

Crystal blur said...

Hey guys,
I must admit Ganapati is my favorite character as well :)
Thanks for the comments!


Maybe a mention of how she got the Chanramukhi's Secret scent is in order---the erotic encounter with the sage on the barge who created a mist storm so that he could get jiggy with Satyavati and after which with some astute surgical procedures he restored her virginity. However she gave birth to a son---Vedvyas the Man himself---to be known for his poor body hygiene and for starting the swinger life style in Bharat desh

Crystal blur said...

Hey GB,
Some of Satyavati's premarital adventures will be coming up in the next episodes.
Thanks for dropping a line,
Crys :)

Jk said...

Holy Gods!..really amazing post.. "weird semen"...fkcing awesome! u go girl!

Crystal blur said...

Thanks for recommending by blog.
Glad it was a fun read :)

Pleiades said...

OMG!! I haven't giggled this much in ages!!! THE BEST post I've read in ages!!

I'm sending hajaar links to everyone everywhere. This EPIC needs to be told... errr... read...

"Weird semen" was PRICELESS!


vi said...

ok new to your blog but glad i am here...really funny stuff!!
(thanks gi for refering this blog!)

mou said...

Hi Crys, great read indeed! Enjoyed each and every line. I haven't read the real version of Mahabharata. But google searches tell me that Chitrangada was the elder of the two brothers and when he died battling with the gandharva by the same name, Vichitravirya was too young to inherit the throne. So Chitrangada seems to be wayy elder than Vichitravirya and not the other way round. Just an observation :)
I lllovee your posts. Keep writing...

Crystal blur said...

Thanks for the plug :)
Welcome to the whacky version of MB
I am refering to Mahabharata by C. Rajagopalachari as the main resource for this series. I also use the internet to dig up some stories. I am glad you brought up the point that in the orginal story, Chitrangada was the elder of the two brothers. From the onset I had decided to change the storyline at my discretion (on account of artistic liberty and this being a spoof). So be prepared for some diversions from the storyline in the upcoming chapters as well. Thanks for the comment.
-Crys :)

alkyron said...

uber kicking!!! :)

Gautam Ghosh said...

what an awesome story ! Wonder where I have heard of this before...was it written by Ram Ganpati Varma?

Vivek said...

brilliant spoof!:)

Crystal blur said...

:) :) :)

feignman said...

vichitravirya..??? hahahahahahhahahaa..thats as funny as it gets..haha..:))

adityakelkar said...

Hi Crystal
New to your blog - the MB series totally rocks!!! Am just finishing chapter 2, and cant stop laughing!!

witnwisdumb said...

Ouch, I was laughing so hard that my cheeks and stomach are now aching. "Ganapati: Vyasa, don’t you think the drama is a little too much here?
Vyasa: No."

What a riot.

Paladin said...

Great sense of humor. My fav. part from this chapter was a statement out-of-the-blue ...

Santanu looked at Satyavati and said, “Are those real?”

simply awesome!!! :) :)

Kozhi said...

Really really funny Crystal. You have one heck of a sense of humour. You should really think of putting this stuff down in a book or write for a TV show. Awesome work! keep it going..