Saturday, November 26, 2005

My first day in kindergarden (Rated PG 13 for violence)

I am four and life is changing fast and I am very confused. The first day to nursery school was such a shock for me. I don’t like it too much. I am stuck with some 20 cranky kids who are mostly yelling and crying. I decided something terrible is about to happen to all of us so began crying loudly as well. Who are these people? Why am I here? What do they want? I feel like I am in some sort of boot camp because of all the violence we are subjected to. What you are about to read is something no child should have to go through. This is what we were taught in nursery school.

Piggy On The Railway
Piggy on the railway,
Picking up stones,
Along came an engine
And broke poor Piggy's bones.
"Oh" said Piggy,
"That's not fair"
"Oh" said the Engine,
"I don't care"

I felt bad for the piggy but maybe I shouldn’t. Like the wise engine driver said, if you see someone stupid enough to walk on the railway tracks, they deserve to get run over and I should not care.

The Lion and the Unicorn
The Lion and the Unicorn
Were fighting for the crown;
The Lion beat the Unicorn
All about the town.
Some gave them white bread
And some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum cake
And drummed them out of town!

I guess I should beat the crap out of the neighboring kid for his action figure and I might get some plum cake in the process.
I Love Little Pussy
I love little pussy,
Her coat is so warm.
And if I don't hurt her,
She'll do me no harm.
So I'll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away.
But pussy and I,
Very gently will play.

My teacher seemed to enjoy this one a little too much, wonder why?

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree.
Merry, merry king of the bush is he.
Laugh, Kookaburra,
Laugh, Kookaburra,
Gay your life must be.

I told Uncle Mishra that he is gay.

Little Bo Peep
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And can't tell where to find them.
Leave them alone, And they'll come home,
Wagging their tails behind them.

Does that mean no one will look for me if I get lost? I feel cold and alone.

To Market, to Market
To market, to market to buy a fat pig,
Home again, home again, jiggetty jig.
To market, to market to buy a fat hog,
Home again, home again, jiggetty jog.

After I learned this one I called Mishra aunty…well fat Mishra aunty. I got into a lot of trouble. I am confused.

Goosey, Goosey, Gander
Goosey, goosey, gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs, and downstairs,
And in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers!
I took him by the left leg
And threw him down the stairs.

People who don't believe in god and people who are old deserve to be thrown down the stairs.

Five little monkeys
Five little monkeys swinging from a tree,
Teasing Mr crocodile, "You can't catch me"
Along came the crocodile, as quietly as can be
and SNAP! Went the crocodile,
and then there were:
Four little monkeys swinging from a tree…
Continue until there are no little monkeys.

If you want to pick on someone make sure they are weak and powerless to get back at you, like grandpa. Monkeys are stupid.
I dedicated the next poem to Mishra aunty the last time she came over. I even added my special touch. I substituted Mishra aunty for elephant to make the poem more personal.

An Elephant Walks Like This and That
An elephant walks like this and that,
He's terribly tall and he's terribly fat.
He's got no fingers, He's got no toes,
But goodness gracious What a LONG nose!

I think Mishra aunty was deeply touched by my gesture. She was speechless.
Mom said watching TV is doing no good to me. So I have to go learn a new nursery rhyme now, about a baby falling from the cradle.


parikrama said...

Wicked stuff crys.. Dil Maange More..

Crystal blur said...

Hey Parikrama,
Am considering writing part 2 since there are so many more violent rhymes...from Humpty Dumpty to Jack and Jill.

cheti said...

ROTFL crys !!! Now i have an argument against ppl who say i should stop watching TV for the sake of my kid !!!!!

Reshmi said...

Jeez!! crazy stuff crys! enjoyed greatly :D

now i am really happy i never went to kindergarten :P

Ashu M said...

Oh My Lord! This might explain kids’ odd fascination with animals!

I LOVED the Kookaburra poem. Unitl, well … ya know … I learnt about puns and the extreme shortage of words in the language with the most words. Don’t think I’ve recited it since. Until now!

And ROTFL about the teacher and her Feline poem!

And what - the black plague connotations of Ring’a Ring o’ Roses bears no mention in your list?

Thanks - needed the laugh :)

tocsin said...

I am speechless. : ))) I am not. I just really can't say what my initial comment was.

Crystal blur said...

Cheti, You could even back up yur right to watch TV by statistics which show nursery rhymes have more violence than TV.

How did you get away not going to KG?

Your comment finally decided to show up :)

Waiting curiously for your initial comment :)

I am just thankful that I never paid attention in school :)

Reshmi said...

he hee.... too busy moving from one city to another and also having no good KG near home initially led to all initial education @ home wonly - newpapers and sister's old books etc.
somehow my parents skipped all the rhymes along the way. looks like they did a good thing too! ;)

Reshmi said...

hey recently i heard this program on npr. an interesting discussion abt another nursery rhyme which goes;

Three men in a tub;
And who do you think they be?
as gay as it sounds the guy on the show explained how it evolved into this state :P here is a link.

Crystal blur said...

Hey Resh,
I checked out the link and the men in the pic look happy and gay for sure :).

PkS said...

Well, I once pushed a classmate of mine to the floor for "Jack and Jill".