Chapter 5: The very secret diary of Amba

Princess Amba's diary

Day 1: I can’t believe Ambika and Ambalika are not getting cold feet for the swayamvara. How can they not worry about getting hitched to the blind date that wins at some stupid skill game that your father comes up with?
Day 2: Thinking of breaking up with Salva. I am tired of his commitment phobia.
Day 4: The palace is packed with stud muffins. I am having increasing second thoughts about Salva.
Day 5: I can’t believe that the 60-year-old virgin has decided to show up. He probably realized its better to be laid than never.
Day 6: My sisters and I have been kidnapped by the pervy virgin. Virgin….ha! He is always staring at Ambalika’s boobs.
Day 7: I cannot believe that Salva got his ass kicked by this old man. I don’t know which is better…an old fart or a young coward.
Day 8: Ambika has been motion sick. Friggin chariot ride is getting to me too.
Day 9: Reached pervy’s hometown…stupid Hastinapur. I thought being kidnapped was going to be the worst part of the ordeal. Turns out I will be Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day 10: I can’t take this anymore. All my sisters care about are the wedding plans. I am missing Salva’s hot bod. So what if he got his ass kicked? Atleast he tried to rescue me. I am going to take it up with the virgin and go back to Salva.
Day 11: I can’t believe Vichitra agreed to let me go that quickly. Am I not good enough for him? Maybe Ambalika was right about the boob job.
Day 12: On my way to Salva’s kingdom. At last I will be united with my hunkadelic heartthrob.
Day 13: Salva downright rejected me. That punk! I am going to interview with the Hastinapur times and tell them he is lame in the sack. How dare he?
Day 14: Going back to stupid Hastinapur. I hate the goddamn chariot ride.
Day 15: Can’t believe I am actually going to become Mrs. Vichitravirya (puke).
Day16: What is going on? Vichitra had the nerve to reject my proposal? When was the last time he was proposed to by a woman? I mean really…are big boobs that important?
Day 17: Lo and behold the masterplan. It’s the most logical thing to do. I can dethrone Salva and Vichitra in one move. I am going to marry the virgin. I will then convince him to defeat Salva and take his kingdom and then our kids can be the rightful heirs of Hastinapur. Cheque and mate baby.
Day 18: Un-fucking-believable! I have officially reached the lowest low. The virgin has rejected me. My master plan fell flat on its face. Three rejections in a row…I am going to need some serious therapy.
Day 19: I am wandering around in the jungle aimlessly. Have discovered some interesting mushrooms.
Day 384: Got a pigeon declaring that both my sisters are knocked up. Great!
Day 386: Met a defense attorney…Mr. Parsuram. He thought I have a great shot at a lawsuit. I have decided to sue the virgin’s ass. Hired Parsuram as my defense lawyer.
Day 387: The court trial begins.
Day 624: Got a pigeon declaring my sisters delivered. Still waiting for the goddamn jury selection to begin.
Day 728: Jury selection begins.
Day 740: We have charged the virgin with one count of kidnapping and 3 counts of mental torture. Parsuram kicked some serious ass in the court today.
Day 743: Virgin and his lawyer were such cocky bastards. His lawyer did not give a defense argument. His only words were, “Bhishma is not guilty.” I can’t wait to take my victory lap.
Day 744: My heart skipped a beat when the jury gave its verdict. They thought it was an open and shut case. On account of being a man, Bhishma was found not guilty on all charges. What’s more….they asked me to stop my belligerent behavior and fined me 100 gold bricks to compensate Bhishma for the legal fees.” Stupid Parsuram. Now I am bankrupt.
Day 750: I am hungry, horny and broke. Screw the legal bureaucracy. I am hiring an assassin for a Bhishma free world.
Day 780: They say the 6-faced Subrahmanya is the man to meet. From the name I am guessing he is a master of disguise.
Day 785: Turns out 6-faced is not a master of disguise after all. He just had 6 plastic surgeries. Could not afford him. He took pity on me and gave me his business card. He said if I recruit someone to his company he would seal the deal with me.
Day 820: It turns out I am no good at getting men to do anything for me. Ambalika was right about the boob job. I am going to plea King Drupada as a last resort. If this doesn’t work I am officially giving up.
Day 840: Where have all the real men gone? I stuck 6-faced’s business card on Drupada’s door to remind him what a coward he is. I changed the address on the card to a location where I will bury this diary. If you are reading this diary I hope you are the champion that I spend my life looking for. I have failed to take my revenge and have become a mushroom addict.
Day 842: Blue yellow red bubbles floating everywhere. Adjfnioa. Adnfdhfi.
Day 890: Mushrooms…adfnasdoif…..
Day 913: Got arrested trying to sell mushrooms.
Day 920: Can’t take this anymore. I have decided to end my miserable life. Good-bye cruel world.

(This chapter was tailored to the writing style of the hilarious VSD series authored by Cassandra Claire. To read the VSD series go here )

(To be continued...)

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