Chapter 5.5: Kill Bully

It has been months since Ganapati had heard from Vyasa. A little concerned, Ganapati decides to pay Vyasa a visit. He reaches Vyasa's cottage to find a note on the door: "Trespassers will be cursed. You are a trespasser if you have big ears, tusks and a trunk.”

Ganapati: "Funny guy".

Ganapati decides to venture in anyway. Vyasa is buried in papyrus and wrappers of juicy root. Ganapati booms in "WASSSSUP!!!". Vyasa chokes on his juicy root.

Vyasa: “You gave me a heart attack! G...what are you doing here?”
Ganapati: “I was in the neighborhood.”

Vyasa raises an eyebrow

Ganapati: “Ok fine I missed pulling your leg.”

Suddenly Vyasa bursts into tears.

Ganapati (confused): “Er...you missed me too? You are scaring me.”
Vyasa: “I can't take this G. Nothing works in the lab. The results are FUBAR. I don't have any job prospects. When will I be able to afford a decent house and a chariot?”

Ganapati: “V get a hold on yourself.”

Vyasa bawls.

Ganapati: "Here you go."

Ganapati hands over a bottle of happy potion. Vyasa chugs it down.

Ganapati: “Slow down buddy.”
Vyasa: “There is no slowing down now.”

Vyasa continues binge drinking until he passes out. Next day he wakes up with a pounding headache.

Vyasa:“What happened?”
Ganapati: “You didn’t father any children.”
Vyasa: “Good enough for me.”

On that lazy Saturday, Vyasa and Ganapati sit down to continue writing the somewhat abandoned book.

Ganpati: “So finally, here it is...Chapter 7.”
Vyasa: “Actually this is going to be chapter 5.5.”
Ganpati: “Okay I guess.”
Vyasa: “Start writing. Life was good, nay, great for the Pandavas. And why wouldn’t it be? Their father was the King.”
Ganpati: “I thought Pandu died in the Forest Hump episode?”
Vyasa: “Chapter 5.5, remember?”
Ganpati: “Right!”
Vyasa: “As for the Kauravas, they were tired of the constant bullying by Bhima and the nepotism everywhere.”

The Kauravas have a meeting to deal with the increasing bad press they have been getting in the recent months.

Duryodhan: “I’ve had it with that big bully Bhima.”
Dushyasan: “If I am called Dushbag one more time, I am going to punch him. Even if I get an atomic wedgie for it, I will do it.”
K56: “If we don’t do something about this soon we are going to land in deep trouble. The Pandu ministry is always giving us bad press. Krips always makes sure that the first five spots in the class are taken by the Pandavas.”
K68: “I am sick of being beaten up black and blue by fat ass.”
K29: “At least you weren’t drowned. If it wasn’t for K44 I would’ve breathed my last breath. K44 had the presence of mind to ring the lunch bell.”
Duryodhan: “This has gone too far. We have to make this stop. I have given this some deep thought. Bhima’s fall is necessary for our survival. Without Bhima the Pandavas are weak. The ruin of the Pandavas will pave our way to the throne.”
K89: “But there is still one big flaw. We cannot inherit the throne unless dad becomes King. When was the last time you’ve heard of a blind King?”
Duryodhan: “Well there may never have been one before, but Shakuni mama is helping change that. Out of his own personal struggle as a cripple...excuse me...locomotively challenged, he has decided to appeal for a reform and pass the disabilities act. In a nutshell, dad is going to be a King.”

Kauravas: Cheers and applause.

Duryodhan: “It’s settled then. We have to get rid of Bhima to get the ball rolling.”
K66: “But how?”
Dushyasan: “No worries. I have a plan. It’s called Bhima ka kheema.”

Kauravas: Whistles, cheers and applause.

Dushyasan: “Pilan is bhery simple. Put poison in food. Put food in Bhima. Put Bhima in water.”
K89: “That should take care of Bhima, but what about the other four? Should we get rid of them as well?”
Dushyasan: “I want it to look like an accidental death. So we should keep the other four busy. K32, do you still have the stash of Play Apsaras.”
K32: “What stash?”

Dushyasan raises an eyebrow.

K32: “Oh alright!”

And so the Kauravas set out to destroy their nemesis.

(To be continued...)