Sunday, August 20, 2006

Chapter 5.5: Kill Bully

It has been months since Ganapati had heard from Vyasa. A little concerned, Ganapati decides to pay Vyasa a visit. He reaches Vyasa's cottage to find a note on the door: "Trespassers will be cursed. You are a trespasser if you have big ears, tusks and a trunk.”

Ganapati: "Funny guy".

Ganapati decides to venture in anyway. Vyasa is buried in papyrus and wrappers of juicy root. Ganapati booms in "WASSSSUP!!!". Vyasa chokes on his juicy root.

Vyasa: “You gave me a heart attack! G...what are you doing here?”
Ganapati: “I was in the neighborhood.”

Vyasa raises an eyebrow

Ganapati: “Ok fine I missed pulling your leg.”

Suddenly Vyasa bursts into tears.

Ganapati (confused): “Er...you missed me too? You are scaring me.”
Vyasa: “I can't take this G. Nothing works in the lab. The results are FUBAR. I don't have any job prospects. When will I be able to afford a decent house and a chariot?”
Ganapati: “V get a hold on yourself.”

Vyasa bawls.

Ganapati
: "Here you go."

Ganapati hands over a bottle of happy potion. Vyasa chugs it down.

Ganapati: “Slow down buddy.”
Vyasa: “There is no slowing down now.”

Vyasa continues binge drinking until he passes out. Next day he wakes up with a pounding headache.

Vyasa:“What happened?”
Ganapati: “You didn’t father any children.”
Vyasa: “Good enough for me.”

On that lazy Saturday, Vyasa and Ganapati sit down to continue writing the somewhat abandoned book.

Ganpati: “So finally, here it is...Chapter 7.”
Vyasa: “Actually this is going to be chapter 5.5.”
Ganpati: “Okay I guess.”
Vyasa: “Start writing. Life was good, nay, great for the Pandavas. And why wouldn’t it be? Their father was the King.”
Ganpati: “I thought Pandu died in the Forest Hump episode?”
Vyasa: “Chapter 5.5, remember?”
Ganpati: “Right!”
Vyasa: “As for the Kauravas, they were tired of the constant bullying by Bhima and the nepotism everywhere.”

The Kauravas have a meeting to deal with the increasing bad press they have been getting in the recent months.

Duryodhan: “I’ve had it with that big bully Bhima.”
Dushyasan: “If I am called Dushbag one more time, I am going to punch him. Even if I get an atomic wedgie for it, I will do it.”
K56: “If we don’t do something about this soon we are going to land in deep trouble. The Pandu ministry is always giving us bad press. Krips always makes sure that the first five spots in the class are taken by the Pandavas.”
K68: “I am sick of being beaten up black and blue by fat ass.”
K29: “At least you weren’t drowned. If it wasn’t for K44 I would’ve breathed my last breath. K44 had the presence of mind to ring the lunch bell.”
Duryodhan: “This has gone too far. We have to make this stop. I have given this some deep thought. Bhima’s fall is necessary for our survival. Without Bhima the Pandavas are weak. The ruin of the Pandavas will pave our way to the throne.”
K89: “But there is still one big flaw. We cannot inherit the throne unless dad becomes King. When was the last time you’ve heard of a blind King?”
Duryodhan: “Well there may never have been one before, but Shakuni mama is helping change that. Out of his own personal struggle as a cripple...excuse me...locomotively challenged, he has decided to appeal for a reform and pass the disabilities act. In a nutshell, dad is going to be a King.”

Kauravas: Cheers and applause.

Duryodhan: “It’s settled then. We have to get rid of Bhima to get the ball rolling.”
K66: “But how?”
Dushyasan: “No worries. I have a plan. It’s called Bhima ka kheema.”

Kauravas: Whistles, cheers and applause.

Dushyasan
: “Pilan is bhery simple. Put poison in food. Put food in Bhima. Put Bhima in water.”
K89: “That should take care of Bhima, but what about the other four? Should we get rid of them as well?”
Dushyasan: “I want it to look like an accidental death. So we should keep the other four busy. K32, do you still have the stash of Play Apsaras.”
K32: “What stash?”

Dushyasan raises an eyebrow.

K32: “Oh alright!”

And so the Kauravas set out to destroy their nemesis.


(To be continued...)

29 comments:

Kanishka Agiwal said...

Goody comeback!! The zing still exists and the episode 5.5 is just as hilarious as its predecessors. :)

witnwisdumb said...

Welcome back! Funny post, but not as hilarious as the previous episode... Guess you need time to work up to full steam. Keep 'em coming!

RK said...

Pls dont go on a sabbatical again....

Hyde said...

It has been a long time, lady. :-)

Abhishek Goyal said...

Welcome back .. its been a long long time ..

Rahul said...

anything short of, "I was waiting for you" would be a lie...

Ambuj Saxena said...

This was too short.....I hope more comes soon.

bilbo said...

yay, glad ur back to writing this. How did the defence go.


Vyasa:“What happened?”
Ganapati: “You didn’t father any children.”
Vyasa: “Good enough for me.”

cracked me up , big time.
Welcome back

Fleiger said...

Now tell us quick how "pilan ke mutabik" they went, and how "galti se mistake ho gaya". A few illustrations from Play... won't go wrong in clearing the point.

(I am facing some problems with beta, so be ready to get 3-4 comments from me)

pragni~dreamcatcher~ said...

Allllright!! So finally the series picks up pace. Really. Was waiting for the next chapter. And this one is brilliant.

Crystal blur said...

Hey guys,
Thanks for all your comments. It was very difficult for me to write this episode b'coz I am in the middle of writing a paper and my thesis. Can't think funny thoughts with so much pressure on the work front. I will be done by the end of december...will write more frequently then.
-C

cheti said...

WB

I am sure the pace will pick up soon enough

Paladin said...

"It has been months since Ganapati had heard from Vyasa."

Yea, yea - blame it on Vyasa for this delayed post :P

BTW I really like the concept of posting this unexpected .5 chapter ;) Hehe, each of your chapters are witty/funny/interesting in their own way!

Sameer said...

hilarious.. good to see you back!

Ashu M said...

Nicely done - hilarious read as usual.
I can picture Vyasa choking when Ganesh yells "Wassup!"

Excellent idea ... writing something thesis-unrelated-types. Wish I had thought of that! Expended all my 'creative' energy, instead, into a massive thesis that prompted my advisor to ask whether it was indeed an MS, and not a PhD ;)
Good luck with all that.

Atrakasya said...

Doing good, crys :)

sun4none said...

n u r back in action! thank God!

Crystal blur said...

Cheti,
I hope you are talking about my dissertation and not Vyasa's dissertation :p

Paladin,
Yeah, I am trying to follow Rajagopalachari's MB and its not written in a very orderly fashion. Eventually we should have all the stories straight :)

Sameer,
Thanks. And I visited your blogsite. The caricatures are fantastic. I can't help wonder how you would potray G. Bappa for my series.

Ashu,
Did you also enjoy the Juicy root --Juicy fruit pun? ;)I just hope my advisor does not think that I should get a M.S. instead of PhD. So did you end up getting a PhD then?

Atra,
Thanks. I see you have been actively blogging as well. I hope to catch up on reading your blogs.

sun,
yeah, have been dormant quite sometime now haven't I? Its good to be back.

Cuckoo said...

Oh, so you came back with a bang!!!

Ganapati: “You didn’t father any children.” was the best. Keep it up.

theobard said...

WICKED !!!!! THIS IS AWESOME..

Zero said...

Hi Crystal Blur,

I visited your blog for the first time through a link mailed by a friend.

I'm glad I got here. The Mahabharata article (I have read only the 5.5 so far) is simply hillarious.

Keep writing!

More power to your pen!
or
Keyboard! .. as you prefer.

~.

Bharath said...

Hey Crys,
I never knew much about Mahabharata. Thanks for the enlightment and clearing of many doubts. Especially how kauravas were born. I was always skeptical about the capacity of the blind guy. Waiting for Jan ;)

mandeepsg said...

gr8 to see the post back...don't let the steam go down now..this is better than anything I read on net.

raghu said...

plz coountinue..im ready 2 pay 4 dis!

Surjo said...

I was waiting so eagerly for the series to continue. Wonderful !!! ROTFLOL !!!

Amateur Blogger said...

And she's back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And hilarious as ever...

Gimme more gimme more...

All the best with the defence.

Nikhil Kulkarni said...

Hey!

Best o' Luck for your thesis ... will be eagerly waiting for episodes from December Onwards :-)

Concordia Discors said...

Dushbag?!
That had me snorting my late night tea out through my nose.
I'm also working on my thesis and just like you, I should be done by December. Hope December sees the completion of Chapters 7-10.

DJ said...

when is the next piece of mahabharata gonna be posted? it has been a long wait now...