Thursday, April 12, 2007

Latin Idol

This week on American Idol (AI): Latin week!
Fasten your seat belts, turn off the volume and resist your urge to pull out your hair. This is American idol.

Tanananananana oooohooooooooo tanananananana.

Keeping with the latin theme, our guest mentor this week is Hennifer Lopez
J. Lo : Ola everyone. Today I will teech you how to top the music chart with no singing talent whatsoever.
Sanjaya Malakar (yawn): Teach me something new.
J. Lo. : Let me hear you guys sing. You, what is your name?
Melinda : Melinda Dolittle.
J. Lo. : OMG I love Dr. Dolittle.
Melinda : Great.
J. Lo. : Go for it.
Melinda (sings melodiously): When marimba rhythms start to play...
J. Lo. : Woah woah woah! You’ve got it all wrong. You are focusing too much on the singing and not so much on the dancing.
Melinda : But I can’t dance.
J. Lo. : Really? Wow! You are one lucky chica to be in the top eight. Who is next?
Hayley (off key): Ooh bay…hay…hay…bee…heeeeeee.
J. Lo. : Hold it! I have one word for you. Cleavage. (Intense pause). It is a powerful thing. Let’s hear some boys sing.
Chris (sings in a boy band voice): Maaan it’s a hot one…
J. Lo. (exhales deeply): Have you learned nothing from Ricky Martin? This is Latin week people! Who can tell me what the main ingredient of a Latin song is?
Sanjaya : Duh! RAM
J. Lo. : That’s right Sanjaya. No wonder you are the crowd favorite. Without RAM or Rapid ass movement you are singing on thin ice. If all you do is sing then the ice will crack and down you go in the icy hole of anonymity.
Chris : What the hell is she talking about?
Haley : Ssssshhh
J. Lo. : You are arteests and the stage is your canvas. Si? When you sing you make a painting on the stage using your ass as a paintbrush. So you work on different strokes…the pendulum stroke, the mortar and pestle stroke…si?
Sanjaya (slaps J.Lo’s butt) : Baby can I have your number.
Contestants : Gasp!
J. Lo. : The one and only guy who gets what this is all about. Networking by getting phone numbers. Might I add the punk hairdo was genius! You guys can learn so much from Sanjaya. When you hear the name J. Lo., what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
Contestants : Grin awkwardly.
Sanjaya : Duh! Ass.
J. Lo. : That my friends is called branding. Sell yourself like a product. Study my video called I'm glad video before you take the stage this week.
Male contestants (watch with mouths hanging wide open) : I am so glad I watched that.
Female contestants take notes furiously.

On the AI live show:
The show opens with all the contestants performing a song together on the stage. Everybody is rubbing nipples, breathing heavily and humping everything in sight.

J. Lo. (Eyes tearing up) : Oh I am so proud that AI is serving as a platform for representing my culture and heritage. My job is done.
Seacrest : It is hot hot hot tonight ladies and gentlemen. And now for the individual performances. Take it away Haley.
Haley (in shorty shorts): Screeeeeech
Randy : Yo! So check this out. You were pimpin' the song too much ho…I mean yo!
Paula : Hic
Simon : Hideous performance, sexy legs.
Seacrest (turning green): I am standing right here! Next up LaKisha Jones .
The set tremors on a scale of 2 on the Richter scale.
Audience : Wow dramatic entrance! Great special effects.
Special effects guy : What special effects?
LaKisha (wearing a red dress 3 sizes too small): Ooooohhhhh
Fat oozing from dress and jiggling.
Audience (shielding their eyes): It hurts! It hurts!
Randy: Woah! Yo! Doh! No no no!
Paula: Hic!
Simon: Jello’s marketing department called, they want you to be their mascot.

Blake : Beep-bop-beepity-bopity-boo
Audience: Boohoo

Sanjaya : Makes sweet love to the camera in Spanish.
Simon : You raised your performance tonight just like the hair on my hairy chest. That was genius.
Seacrest (changes shades of green and red) : You make me sick.

Vote for the worst and Howard Stern camp : What the fuck is going on? I don’t know who we are voting for anymore.
Producers of AI: The ratings just get better and better! J. Lo. was a great idea. Is Paris Hilton available for the next show?

7 comments:

another brick in the wall said...

hahahahaha.. was expecting this.. hehe.. read today's newspaper n was thinkin wat ms.blur will hav 2 say on ths.. n i wasnt let down.. god u love sanjay :P

Aqua said...

yo yo yo...that was a terrific spoof of the LAI. i totally dig it LOL

i'm waiting for the next instalment of yr AI spoof. wonder what hairstyle sanjaya will come up with next week.

and check this out...quite funny..

http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2007/04/i-was-at-and-on-american-idol.html

Aqua said...

yo yo yo crystal maan...that was a terrific spoof of AI...you got it going yo! LOL

i'm thoroughly enjoying these spoofs and can't wait for the next instalment :)

cheti said...

Oh thanks for the status update crys ! love your reports on this guy !

Drunken Master said...

J Lo and American Idol - Birds of a feather... you know the rest.

*Cheap joke warning* Why did Sanjaya want to join the Navy Seals and become a frogman?
To have his job in sync (if that were ever possible) with his voice.

parikrama said...

>> Parikrama! Kasa kaay chalay?

Vishesh asey kahi nahi, just sadofying (as in vegetating).

Your AI series is also quite fun. Do keep both AI and MB series alive.

Crystal blur said...

ABITW,
Oh how I miss reading the newspaper...going online to read the news never cuts it. Ofcourse I want Sanjay to be the next idol...the guy knows how to make lemonade from lemon. Besides he has increased traffic to my blog. He is probably one of the most searched 'item' on the internet and has generated quite a few hits on the Sanjaya conspiracy post.

Aqua,
That post was hilarious. I loved the "I almost threw a dollar bill at Haley" Hahaha!

Cheti,
Thanks...it is a laugh riot to watch the show.

Drunken master,
Why did Sanjaya cross the road?

Parikrama,
How could you vegetate in a beautiful place like that? I am already drooling thinking about all the delicious food and the beautiful beach and travels there.

I don't want to call AI a series yet...too much pressure. But MB I hope to keep writing.