Miracle 101

The Vatican has started documenting ‘evidence’ to decree Pope John Paul II a saint. A candidate considered for sainthood is expected to have performed at least two miracles. The candidate may perform the miracles while s/he is alive or dead, although posthumous miracles earn brownie points because it proves that the candidate is in heaven and has close ties with God. Miracles performed posthumously by past successful candidates include lack of decomposition of their dead body. This one is a toughie to pull of because one has to posthumously convince all the flesh eating bacteria/insects/worms to abandon the idea of feasting on your ex-body. However, all hope for a miracle is not lost even if the candidate fails to stop the ex-body from decaying. Some candidates have scored miracles by making their decomposed remains smell like roses. Strangely enough those very candidates could cook up quite a stink with their farts when they were alive. God works in mysterious ways indeed.

Getting back to Pope John Paul II, he seems to have picked the old fashioned 'cure the sick' miracle for his application. Since the advent of Western medicine, miracles are hard to come by. But it is a dizzying victory when miracles heal where science has failed. Healings done posthumously are not only considered a bona fide miracle but are also regarded as a postcard from heaven.

“Hello mortals,
I am super happy to inform you that I have reached the Pearly Gates without any motion sickness. The security check was a pain in the ass...I beg your pardon rear end. But technically I do not have a butt anymore. Ahem! I digress. I have managed to successfully gain entrance into heaven. To expedite my sainthood application, I have put in a good word for Sister Blimey and Mr. Bullock.

Sincerely,
Artist formerly known as John Paul II.

P.S.: God says hi.”

Turns out Pope John Paul II has some awesome connections in heaven and his fast track sainthood processing is the envy of every green card applicant. Along with the latest American Idol results, CNN brings this miraculous story of posthumous miracles performed by the ex-pope.

The evidence gathered and handed over at the ceremony at Rome's Basilica of St John includes testimony from some 130 people as well as scrutiny of his life,spoken words and writings. [...] They include documentation on the case of Sister Marie Simon-Pierre, a 46-year-old French nun diagnosed with Parkinson's -- the same disease that the late pope had -- until she said it inexplicably disappeared two months after his death. Simon-Pierre, who worked as a maternity ward supervisor in Aix-En-Provence, could be central to the case since the Church demands proof of a medically unexplained healing before a candidate can be beatified. [...] "My healing was the work of God through the intercession of John Paul," she said.

Evidence for having performed at least 2 miracles to be decreed as saint is quite a tall order some might say. Was being celibate, feeding the poor, dedicating your life to alleviate human suffering not enough? But despair not…it is actually the easiest of the prerequisites to fulfill. As the savvy gecko would put it, "It is so easy, even a caveman could do it". Here is how it works…find somebody who has a disease that western medicine cannot cure yet. Next, convince the subject that you can cure him by acting as a medium of God BUT (and the but is very important in case of failures, so make sure you put the but in) patient must have unquestioning faith in God. If patient dies despite your blessings then you simply blame the patient or even the planets. Even the sky is not the limit here, you are only limited by your imagination. You can blame your patient for not having a pure heart, sinning too much to be saved by the blessing or it could all just be God’s plan. So no need to be too hard on yourself if your miracle is a total dud. Just pull something out of your ass and they would buy it…no questions asked. That’s the best part…the evidence lies in the eyes of the beholder and the lack of evidence lies in the eyes of sinners who will be admonished to hell. So yay! Then there are times when people bounce back to good health and nobody can explain what the fudge happened. This is the time to jump in and take all the credit. Tada! A miracle! Although resist all temptation to utter “Tada!” aloud after the miracle is performed or the miracle’s status will be down graded to a magic trick.

Now miracles can get you the title of being a saint but it is a title that will be bestowed upon you only after you are dead. I know, a true artist is never appreciated in their lifetime. Look at Jesus, the poor guy not only walked on water but even made wine from it. Still there were people going, “I don’t know, what else have you got?” But hope is never lost in the house of God. If you impress people with your miracle healings you will have a cult following in no time. You can have your own dominion where people will do all kinds of insane things for you. You get to play Simon says all your life and you are Simon!

If you are really good, you could even own a city.