Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Chapter 9: The elephant man

Vyasa is waiting at D’rakshas, the local bar, chewing on some Juicy Root gum. Earlier in the day, he got a pigeon mail from Ganapati.

Running errands for mom. Will be a little late.

–G.

Vyasa is a little nervous as this is his first time in the bar. He straightens up and shifts his weight in the seat as he sees a beautiful woman approach him. She looks a little familiar and Vyasa jogs his memory to no avail. He wonders if she was in one of the Play Apsara center folds.

Waitress (non-chalantly): “Welcome to D’rakshas. My name is Laupadi.”
Vyasa: “My name is Vyasa. It is an honor to meet you.”
Laupadi: “That’s nice…what do you want to drink.”
Vyasa: “I will have a glass of soma, but I insist that I will pay.”
Laupadi (chuckles): “You are funny.”

A familiar voice interjects.

Ganapati: “No he is not. He is just weird. I will have a glass of soma on the rocks please.”
Laupadi: “Sorry, we are all out of rocks.”
Ganapati: “Alright, just soma then.”
Laupadi: “Okay. I will be back soon.”

Laupadi walks away from the table. Ganapati pulls up a chair.

Vyasa: “Ugh! Do you have to ruin everything? I was just getting acquainted with the kind lady”

Vyasa dreamily checks out Laupadi heading towards the bar. Ganapati snaps his fingers in Vyasa’s face.

Ganapati: “Oye, snap out of it. The kind lady happens to be a man.”
Vyasa (in a hushed whisper): “No!”
Ganapati: “Trust me, I have a nose for these things.”
Vyasa: “My God G…really? But that is impossible. No man can have that body….that body…did you even look at her? I don’t believe you.”
Ganapati: “Heard of tantric sex change?”
Vyasa: “What? You don’t believe in those quack witch doctors do you? This is ridiculous. You can’t change your gender. It is ludicrous. Okay quiet here she comes.”

Laupadi approaches them and places the drinks on the table. Vyasa has an abnormal grin on his face while Ganapati looks bored. Vyasa stares at Laupadi with narrow eyes.

Laupadi (talks to Ganapati): “You are right, he is weird.”

Laupadi briskly walks back to the bar.

Vyasa: “You are right her face looks weird, like it is artificial…it almost does not look human.”

Ganapati menacingly stares at Vyasa.

Vyasa: “Ahem! This soma is great. Did you try it?”
Ganapati: “Alright let’s just get it out. I know I am a little different looking. I see how people look at me when I enter a room. I am like the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about.”
Vyasa: “What? Don’t be silly. You are one of the most normal people I’ve met.”
Ganapati: “I have a trunk for a nose.”

Ganapati wriggles his trunk in the air inspecting it with his eyes squinting.

Vyasa: “Oh come on…it is hardly noticeable.”
Ganapati: “You are saying that there is nothing odd about my face?”
Vyasa: “Its…its…its um.”
Ganapati: “Listen, I know what I look like and I am not ashamed of it.”

Ganapati gulps down the drink and signals Laupadi from across the room to refill his glass. Laupadi comes by the table and refills the glass. Ganapati asks Laupadi to leave the pitcher at the table and continues gulping the drink furiously.

Ganapati: “You are a nice person Vyasa…no you are not nice…you are great. But you know who is an ass? My dad.”
Vyasa: “You don’t mean that G. Believe me, everybody has issues with their parents but every parent loves their child.”
Ganapati: “Not my father he doesn’t. You want to know why I look like this?”
Vyasa: “Alright I admit it. I am a little curious to know how you ended up with a…”
Ganapati: “Elephant’s head?”
Vyasa: “Yeah”
Ganapati: “Well I was a normal human baby when I was born. But my dad didn’t even know he had a son. He was away on one of his rock gigs.”
Vyasa: “Wow! Is your dad a rock star? Is it someone I know?”
Ganapati: “He wears a leopard skirt and carries a snake around his neck. Need I say more?"
Vyasa: “Your dad is the drummer for the Himalayan Howlers! I love them…Shivar me timbers is one of my favorite songs.”
Ganapati (a little annoyed): “As I was saying…”
Vyasa (sensing Ganapati’s tone): “Sorry, go on.”
Ganapati: “Well…he is such an attention whore. Did you see his latest look? He has dread locks with a water sprinkler as an accessory. Ever heard of less is more dad?”
Vyasa: “So he is a little extravagant with his wardrobe. I’m sure he loves you even though he may not show it as well. Different people have different ways of expressing their feelings. It would kill my dad to pat my back or say something nice.”
Ganapati: “Has your Dad ever chopped off your head?”

Vyasa gasps and looks aghast. Ganapati chugs down the remaining drink to empty the pitcher.

Vyasa: “What? Your dad did that to you? Why?”
Ganapati: “Because he is a lunatic murderer.”
Vyasa: “That is horrible.”
Ganapati: “Yeah he is the dad of the year.”
Vyasa: “So is that how?”
Ganapati: “Yeah pretty much. He comes home after a long tour one day. Mom was in the shower and she had specifically asked me to not let anyone in the house. I had never seen Dad so when he returned I treated him like a perfect stranger. He reeked of alcohol and didn’t make any sense when he talked. So I didn’t let him into the house. Before I knew what was happening he chopped off my head.”

Vyasa listens to Ganapati with an expression of disbelief.

Ganapati: “Mom threw a fit when she saw what he had done and told dad that I was his son. She cried uncontrollably and demanded I be brought to life. I wish she would’ve done it herself instead of asking my drunken dad. He took me somewhere in the forest and realized that he had carried the body but had forgotten the head. It was too late to get my head because the head wasn’t kept on ice. So he decided to find an alternative. He found a baby elephant around where we were and chopped off its head.”
Vyasa: “He killed a baby elephant? This is beyond horrible.”
Ganapati: “And then he superglues the elephants head onto my body. Voila!”
Vyasa: “Wow! I mean I thought I was the ultimate gruesome fiction writer but even I couldn’t have made up something so awful. G you need a butt load of therapy.”
Ganapati: “Tell me about it.”
Vyasa: “How could your mom stick with him? She should’ve gotten a divorce.”
Ganapati: “She wanted to but my dad is a very powerful man. He has a cult following and he is worshipped like a God. Dad threatened mom. He told her that nobody would believe a woman’s word over a man’s word and that he could easily prove that I wasn’t his son. There was no facial resemblance after all.”
Vyasa: “Oh no.”
Ganapati: “So now you know.”
Vyasa: “There are corrective surgery options available nowadays you know?”
Ganapati: “Why would you say that? Why would I want a corrective surgery?”
Vyasa: “I thought you … never mind.”

Laupadi comes by the table and clears the glasses.

Laupadi: “The bar is closed now. I will leave the bill here. Thanks.”

Vyasa and Ganapati sip the remains of the drink and place gold coins on the table.

Vyasa: “Are you coming by my cottage over the weekend?”
Ganapati: “Hic!”
Vyasa: “Great. How are you going to get home? I will hail you a chariot.”
Ganapati: “Don’t worry I can ride. I came here on my mouse.”
Vyasa: “You rode a mouse? Okay! I am taking you home.”

Vyasa struggles to support Ganapati’s weight but his knees buckle.

Laupadi: “Need a hand?”

Vyasa grins sheepishly. Laupadi gives Ganapati a boost and gets him off the chair effortlessly.

Vyasa: “Wow! You are pretty…”

Vyasa luckily finishes the sentence in his mind – ‘strong for a woman’.

Laupadi (smiles): “Why thanks sweety.”

Laupadi and Vyasa move steadily towards the chariot stand and get Ganapati into the chariot. Vyasa thanks Laupadi and hands her a generous tip. Laupadi smiles and heads back to the bar. The chariot rolls on towards Ganapati’s mansion while Ganapati blissfully snores with drool coming out of his mouth. Vyasa leans back and rests his head as the chariot rolls on into the dark forest.

38 comments:

Sameer said...

drakshas! hehee :)

Mukul Varma said...

Return of the binge!!!

"I will have a glass of soma, but I insist that I will pay." - Cracked me up! :-D

When is the next chapter scheduled? Summer of 09? ;-)

mandeepsg said...

poor ganpati...i never thought he had such a tough childhood....nice catch!!!

Stray Visitor said...

I'm lovin it :-)

NK said...

You write really well! Love the Douglas Adams-type sarcastic style..
And your fundas on Indian Mythology are clear too...

Drunken Master said...

In the quiet words of the Guinness brewers.....Brilliant!!!

Crystal blur said...

Sameer,
It was hard to choose that name because I had another in mind but in the end I settled on D'rakshas.

mukul,
Glad you enjoyed it. As for the release of next episode...only G. Bappa nose.

mandeepsg,
Yup, G had it rough growing up and there weren't any child protection services then.

stray visitor,
Thanks :)

nk,
Thanks!! You are too kind :)

drunken master,
You crack me up. I luv Guinness ads!

Joy Forever said...

Oh my G! I was busy reading HP7 and here you have written another chapter of Mahabharat... by the way, is it just me, or is there really any resemblance between the chapter "King's Cross" and Bhagawad Gita? In the timing and the situation if not in the content?

And your chapter 9 was lovely, as usual!

dodo said...

"... with a water sprinkler as an accessory."

ROFL! Thanks for the laughs, Crys :)!

Now that you mention the whole head-transplantation thing, if G got the head of an elephant, won't he also have its/his/her brain? What kind of elephant brain wants to ride a mouse? Hindu mythology is full of advanced scientific kink!

Geetali said...

hahaha... hilarious!!!

Patrix said...

Ah! Back to what you do best, eh?

Himalayan Howlers!

Howlarious!

cheti said...

Crys !

funtastic !

I love your little probes and pricks in the name of humour !!! Himalayan Howlers indeed !!!!

You forget all biology science research etc ! Go and become a comedy show writer !

parikrama said...

>> “Yeah pretty much. He comes home after a long tour one day. Mom was in the shower and she had specifically asked me to not let anyone in the house. I had never seen Dad so when he returned I treated him like a perfect stranger. He reeked of alcohol and didn’t make any sense when he talked. So I didn’t let him into the house. Before I knew what was happening he chopped off my head.”


Hmmmm now Cryss, somehow that was way too too long. There were quite a few long drawn dialogues in this episode. I know some bits are unavoidable coz you got a story to tell. Yet, it kinda killed the fast-paced flow built by the one liners. But seems like I am the lone dissenter. So never mind. Next plz.

Pyare Mohan said...

Hey Crys,
Great writing. Would you be interested in writing a script for an Indian Animated Film? I am looking for writers for our animation films and i think you have the right sensibilities to write for an animation film.
Do let me know. If interested, please email me at
pazhampori@gmail.com.
Thanks

PkS said...

What a pleasant surprise. Thought you would not write another chapter and it would remain unfinished like the unfinished symphony or Duke Nukem Forever.

Let me get a bit nostalgic. The reason most of us landed up on this blog was because of the hilarious RishiRingya episodes, they were hilarious. The new episode is a welcome welcome change.

I hope you write more episodes and keep busy laughing our asses of.

Hyde said...

Finally!!

Fleiger said...

The title and G's pigeon mail... I was sure where the story was going :D

Nice one, now get back to the main story of Mahabharata...

Twisted DNA said...

"You are insulting Lord Ganesha. He will not forgive you my friend". Now repeat that in Apu's accent :P

Awesome, as is usual with your Mahabharata posts :)

another brick in the wall said...

hahahaha! million yrs later i get ample time 2 read blogs again and i must say "God bless you!" for this! thank u thank u! after a real messed up day.. this was brilliant! Mahabharata series is the funniest thing i've ever read on blogger boss i must admit! and as parikrama said.. next plz and fast :)

FactoryMan said...

Your knowledge on mythology and your creativity is amazing....
I have been hooked on to your blog....
I think you should think about publishing the Mahabharata series...

ronak said...

Funfantastic flabbergasted
u have a fan here!! crys

keep goin strong
mwah...........
haha....

Megha said...

When are you posting your next chapter?

Yogesh said...

Awesome..
everyone is waiting for your next chapter

Lucifer said...

great work . . .
i am waiting for the next episode, give G a cup of coffee if he's soma is still heavy on him ;-)
read mahabharta before in text books, but your style is more interesting now i belive i am reading it with interest for the first time :)

Hari Vishnu said...

Ohhh Myyy Gooood... you really are perfecting this arent you.. too good, all those parallels with mythology.. makes it really easy to picture mythology in a modern sense :-).. 'SHIVAr me timbers' left me ROFLMAO..

but it does look like you're slowing the story up a bit.. shouldnt you get moving?..i have some juicy parts in mahabharata that i particularly want to read about from you..

nymph said...

hey, i tumbled on to this blog while trying to look up the name chitrangada.... and i swore on everybody that day who dared to disturb me while i read your entire mythology series :)

waiting for the next update...

please please please...... hurry up.....

Johnny said...

hmm... end of story? :)

Divya said...

Oh good lord... I just read this from chapter 1 to 9.. this is beyond brilliant!! :D do go on with the story...
:D

Aniruddha said...

Heyy ...I just finishd reading the Mahabharata series.....ur amazing...

but i can see u havnt posted for a long time now.....dun tell me u wont continue .....

plzz ...am waiting for chapter 10 !

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Just finished the entire Mahabharata series. A laughter riot! And I enjoyed it in spite of my lack of familiarity with the epic. I hope you continue to post.

Anurag Sud said...

wow! do you give shashi tharoor a run for his money :-))

Pinaki said...

I had to wait till the end before I sent my word across.

Wahaw! *\m/*

One singular spark of idea can start such a laugh riot - I had no clue. For the religiously challenged there is definitely one silver lining - the plot stays. I mean, what more can they ask for? Why should they at all?

Okay, better be apolitical here. Been trying to visualize the whole thing here. You know what?

V: John Cho (that perennial desperate, looser look...)
G: Kal Pen (awfully picked nose!)
Santanu: Neil Patrick Harris (quite obvious)
Ganga: Anna Nicole Smith (she doesn't even have to 'get-into-the-character' - she fits right in. digital imagery takes care of the rest. *with all due respects*)
Devyani: Renee Zellweger (been there, done that.)
Shiva: Marilyn Manson (and you were talking of get-ups?)
Laupadi: Rakhi Sawant (no questions. she looks the part, just has to open her mouth.)
AAA Sisters: Olsen sisters + body double.

Methinks I am awake, after office lunch, now. Gotto go. Enormous thanks. Until then...

Freezer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Freezer said...

mind blowing story !!!!!!!!!!
totally awesome
was laughing like crazzzzy
had to go take a break while reading this ........
ppl in the office started to think i was mentally unstable cos i was laughing alone staring at the screen

also read the "Rishyasringa" series
thats great work too

waiting eagerly (with my friends) for the release of the next chapterS
:D

Bharat Sharma said...

This is sick.

Perverted, derogatory to Hindu belief.

Please remove this muck at the earliest.

Maliboin said...

Crystal Blur -

I love it that you are so clear about the Hindu mythology and then making fun of it at the right places. Your writings are hilarious.

However, you could avoid using the F** and B** words and use something else. Or if you absolutely need to use it, try using it with the special characters..

Saurabh Somani said...

I see Douglas Adams is amongst your favorite authors. all i can say is, if he had read your superb satire, he would've been proud!!!

is there ever going to be a next chapter?

Raju said...

Good god, that was brilliant, hilarious, I'm outta words :P I read through all the episodes in a shot :P . I'm not much into this blogging thing,but found link to this topic from the atheist vs theist community in orkut. Heights of creativity and humor sense. I hope the epic continues :) cheers.